Chaiken’s Web: The L Word Season Finale

This last episode had more going on than a lesbian rugby match.

There were a few highlights (Dana came back) and major low lights (Dana only came back for like 30 seconds).

I’ve gathered that the writers and creators of the L Word want to keep the fans coming back for more… more what… I’m not sure.

Considering I have no idea what kind of elaborate lesbisodes that Ilene has in store for us, I have taken it upon myself to compose a list of the last episode’s cliffhangers and give a little insight to what I think should happen on the first episode of season 5.

Cliffhanger # 1

Helena is so sick of being Kathryn's little pet that she steals stacks of cash from Kathryn’s safe. (She shoulda' just slapped the bitch)… Will Helena go to Jail? Will Kathryn find Helena and threaten her life? Will Peggy Peabody come and save the day?

What should happen next season?:

Helena is on the lamb and everyone is looking for her. She skips town. She ends up hiding out in a tiny village on the Mexican coast. She thinks she’s safe and settles down with a seamstress named Lola.

One afternoon, she is sipping Mojitos at the only gay bar in town when she gets tapped on the shoulder…She turns around… Guess who it is?

Cliffhanger #2

Max may or may not get his sex change operation… is Maura coming back? (Doesn’t it seem like no-one else really cares…except for me)

What should happen next season?:

After the girls left Max standing in the middle of the driveway…He takes a walk to the Planet.

He sits at the bar and guess who shows up? Dana!

No, silly rabbits… Ivan (remember Ivan…Kit’s transvestite, silent Planter partner, who in his spare time does Elvis impersonations).

Ivan helps Max discover his purpose and the true meaning of life? (Picture The Karate Kid… Max with his shirt off; wearing a bandana; and washing cars… hot!)

After painting Ivan’s fence, Max has a vision. He now knows his life’s purpose, which is… to keep his vagina and become a Celine Dion impersonator.

Cliffhanger #3

Jenny is sitting on a raft in the middle of the pacific. (I’m hoping it has a slow leak).

What should happen next season?

As Jenny floats away on the S.S. Schecter she realizes that nobody is looking for her. She discovers that she has no friends.

All she wants now is someone to talk to… Someone who understands...

After a week in the boat Jenny gets a little hungry. She unravels one of her hair extensions to fish for food… What does she catch? Wilson from the film Castaway!

She is totally enamored by Wilson. Wilson understands that Lez Girls was only inspired by her friends and that it was a fictional adaptation of reality. Jenny realizes that she has found her soul mate.

Wilson and Jenny have a lavish love affair and end up landing on the coast of Mexico. Wilson wants a Mojito so they walk to a tiny coastal village and find the only Lesbian bar around, called “Loca Novias”. Who do they see? Helena!

Jenny and Wilson help Helena hide from Kathryn’s henchman (in exchange for a nice new hut and an air pump).

Later on, the trio end up joining forces with (and funding) an underground lesbian guerilla movement to over-throw the current Mexican President.

Jenny writes a new book (Bienvenido A La Casa Munecas, Dos: La Anos de la Schecter… Stacey Merkin gives it an awesome review… Jenny now refers to her as the “vagina toupee”).

Cliffhanger #4

Shane is thinking about getting house trained… (What will the neighbors think?!)

What should happen next season?

After Jenny’s disappearance Shane adopts Sounder. Shane and Page move into a quiet suburban neighborhood.

To their dismay, their new neighbors don’t like having dykes on the block.

The Anti Dyke Suburban Movement (ADSM) has a protest rally at the Homeowner’s Association meeting (Monday nights! free baked goods!).

After Shane hears all the terrible ignorant things that her new neighbors have to say, she gives a heartfelt poem to the disgruntled homophobes entitled, “Dykes Are People Too”. They give her a standing ovation and accept Shane and her family into the community.

Then Shane invites everyone over to her house for new trendy haircuts and lasagna.

Cliffhanger #5

Tina reveals that she has feelings for Bette (Shocker!) but helps Bette and Jody reconcile. (Hmmmmmm)

What should happen next season?

Bette and Jody get into a fight because Bette can’t think of an 18th reason why they should be together.

Jody begins to sign out of control and pokes out one of Bette's eyes.

Bette decides to end the relationship “That was fucking unacceptable!”

Returning to work she has a hard time dealing with her new nick-name “Patch Porter” (cuz now she wears a patch).

Bette goes to Tina for help. Then they get back together.

Cliffhanger #6

Tasha and Alice… um...um…Tasha and Alice? (I’m still wondering why the sounds of the crashing waves didn’t trigger a Tasha flashback.)

What should happen next season?

While Tasha is over in Iraq, Dana’s ghost lingers around. Alice realizes that she is still in love with Dana. They have a paranormal love affair. But Alice wants to role play and it’s hard to get Dana in costume (she is a ghost).

Alice is desperate to teach Dana “Circles”, she begins to practice voodoo. She digs up Dana’s body and buries it in a pet cemetery (along with Mr. Piddles).

Dana comes back to life and wins Wimbledon.

Cliffhanger #7

Kit and Papi… Kit and Angus… Kit and a bottle of tequila. (Now we’re talking).

What should happen next season? :

Kit ditches her prospective suitors and decides to sell the Planet.

She opens up a new bar in Mexico called “Loca Novias”.

On Friday nights you can see a Celine Dion impersonator.

Cliffhanger #8

Phyllis hooks up with Joyce! (They belong together!)

What should happen next season?

Phyllis divorces Leonard.

Phyllis and Joyce get married and have a big elaborate wedding.

Around town they are now considered “The New (but aged) Ellen and Portia”.

(Is anyone looking forward to those love scenes???? I love them both… but let us pray to Sapho for a lot of low lighting)

At the end of the first episode all the girls meet up at “Loca Novias” and discuss lesbian Kama Sutra… and then Marina walks in who is now dating Lara… Dun dun dun….

The End

That’s my spin on the L Word season finally.

I know Ilene in all her infinite dyke wisdom will whip up something extra-ordinary for next year.

Until next season,

Beebo Brinker

Thanks to Michael( my favorite collaborator) for all his input.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Id like to thank all the dykes that made this blog poss. :) Let me just say as a homo L Word hands down...ur pants is was better the Queer as Folk. Awesome writing once again to my fav lesbo::Claps:: (well 3rd Dana and Helena are my favs)

Anonymous said...

...hmmm...I think I'd rather watch THIS spin on the show than what Eileen may have in store for us...lol

...WELL DONE:)))

Anonymous said...

lmao :-D bloody brilliant! seriously best idea = dana and alice ghost action + pet cemetary + dana coming back to life. it's been too long since alice was ya know crazy and in her own little world and seriously the show misses something incredible without dana. it's just not the same no matter how many new characters they try to shove in our face.

shane said...

the l word was amazing it is the insperation to me and my wife having a baby