11/13/07

more on fashion

Well, I don't own a Gucci bag, but I did go to fashion school where there was none of that going-to-class-in-your-PJs business. It was a runway show 24/7. I studied textiles, so fashion to me is an empty and shallow idea that is perpetually changed by the standards of some random monkeys in a room somewhere in Upper Manhattan (think Mugatu in Zoolander). If you ask me, nothing is either in or out of fashion because everything comes back at some point.

But alas, we have to wear clothes in our society, so we are constantly having fashion shoved in our faces. It's a scary thing when you shrink out of Lane Bryant and finally have hips and are faced with shopping where everyone else shops. I mean, WOO-HOO, I shrunk out of Lane Bryant, but not-so-fast kid, there's a whole new level of FASHION to tackle.

Let's start with jeans, a lesbian staple. Yes, the ass of these jeans I am wearing sag. I'll admit it. But before you judge me take a look at your own ass, and anyway, who hasn't faced the challenge of finding the "perfect jeans?" My best friend is 5'8" and skinny and HER ass sags in her jeans. At least I know a tapered leg makes me look like an ice cream cone, and thus, I painstakingly rip out old seams to insert triangles in that oh-so late 90's fashion (it's coming back, people, I am just ahead of my time). But I am good at it and I think sewing is such a lost art. There are some couture options out there. Got 2 grand to blow? There are companies that will make you a custom pair of jeans by giving you a...well it's like an "ass scan" for lack of better term, and designing them to your specifications. 2000 bucks may sound hefty for jeans. But really, if you add up all the money spent on ill-fitting jeans that were "close enough" in the dressing room, (then once you try them at home, you say, "what was I thinking?" and toss said jeans in the thrift store pile) it would probably come pretty close to 2 grand. And how hard is it to find REAL denim these days? Stiff, firm, thick, dark...utilitarian. Nuts to 1-5% spandex...it only permits me to wear a size I shouldn't.

Dresses. An interesting question to pose to a lesbian is her stance on dresses...or skirts even. I personally love dresses, (skirts? Not-so-much) but my lifestyle is not one where I need to dress even in casual business attire. When I do need to "dress to the nines," I usually go far beyond that (into the tens and elevens, usually, heh). My proudest dress shopping adventure came when I found this sparkly black dress that was cut just the right way to show my cleavage...in less than 30 minutes. It was one of those lucky moments where I was looking frantically and pessimistically through racks of hideous acrylics of floral prints until I turned around and saw it. If I were a TV show, the clouds would have parted and a beam of light would have shone down on this dress while a choir of angels "ahhhh-ed" in the background. And it fit, and I felt pretty! I even spun around to flare out the skirt and giggled like a schoolgirl. I wore high heels and bedazzled all the nay-sayers who thought I couldn't pull it off.

Let's talk underwear...yes reader, I am so comfortable with you and myself that I am willing to share my thoughts on underwear. Forget me and sexy panties...I've always said if someone bought them for me, I'd wear them, but I refuse to go out and find my own lacy or silky pair.

And actually, if you ask my mother when she first thought I might be gay, she'll tell you I claimed an allergy to my first pair of lacy panties. Well, they ITCHED me! And I was five and used to my My Little Pony panties. It really was NOT commentary on how I felt about the LOOK of them.

Anyway. For me, cotton is king, and I'd been on the verge of needing a new 6-pack for quite a few months and just never got around to it. So I'm in Target and I'm looking at the packages of Hanes Her Way and I totally have no idea what style of underwear I usually wear. I was like, when the hell was the last time I bought underwear? Geez! I actually had to sneak off to the intimates section and pull out the band on the underwear I was wearing and try to visually compare and contrast styles. It didn't help that the section was disorganized and I had to dig. This caused me to knock at least 10 packages of panties off the wall. And I don't remember "hipsters" ever being an option. THEN after you've got the right style (bikinis for me) it's all about the design because white is boring. The best set, design-wise, was only available in BRIEFS and there is NO WAY I am wearing granny panties. So, after knocking nearly a dozen more packages on the floor, I finally found a set that I can tolerate. I didn't necessarily want the next person I sleep with to see the pretty daisy pair, but what can I do? Haha. Too much information there I am sure, but it was this looming task (no pun intended) that I finally fulfilled.

And bra shopping. You know like 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size? That one larger boob phenomena really make a difference sometimes. I took a poll once and 9 times out of 10 the larger breast was on the stronger side of the body (ie right handed = larger right breast)...just an interesting side note...I like to educate as well as entertain, and sometimes I even give advice. And my best advice is to PEE before you shop. For whatever reason your bladder knows no difference between a bathroom stall and a fitting room stall. As soon as you close the door and snap the lock shut, it KNOWS! Buyer BEWARE!!

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7 comments:

dubbs said...

and I like hats...but not baseball hats...too dykey for me.

and someone once told me I looked like a lesbian because of my shoes...wtf???

Paula the Surf Mom said...

I used to sort of worry about what i looked like... now, well its just not so important anymore.

dubbs said...

"Do your OWN thang!" That's my motto!

Lesberita said...

My idea of fashion is whatever I can dig up on a Saturday afternoon at the Salvation Army or Goodwill...

dubbs said...

Like a GREAT country-western shirt for when you go line dancing!!

Paula the Surf Mom said...

Hey there is a lot that can be said for them snap button shirts

Geek Porn Girl said...

That's so true about fitting rooms and bathroom stalls!

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