Ask a Lesbian: "Can You Help a Straight Guy in Love?"

Recently a straight male contacted our "Ask a Lesbian" advice column for some advice. I asked our ladies to weigh in on advice for him. I've posted his query and our responses. Feel free to weigh in on the comments section.

I am going to try to keep this simple. I am a straight guy is in love with a beautiful girl. She is my friend (not a girlfriend), but we have sex and a great relationship. I help her with money, and we have fun together. I am a sugar daddy of sorts -- but if everyone is happy, who cares. I am in another relationship, so I am not exactly available to expand our friendship further, and she is "happy with the way things are." I have asked her about this several times, and her answer is always the same. In the two years we have been together, I sometimes wonder why she has not met another guy (SO) and I would have to let her go. I would let her go because I love her, but to my amazement (and I am happy to say) no guy has emerged, and we are still going strong.

Now my "gay-dar" (I hope it is OK to say that) is pretty poor. But after thinking back on conversations, and such, I finally came to the conclusion that maybe she is a lesbian. She said that being bi-sexual means that you are confused about your identity. You are either lesbian or straight. This conversation came up when we were talking about someone else we know. So at the time, because she was having sex with me, I thought that she must be straight. But now I am not so sure. She has a good friend (girl friend), and now I think this friend may be her lover.

So, should I ask her if she is lesbian? I only want to know because I love her and want to know what is important to her. Since we are going strong, and everything is OK with our relationship, should I even care? Maybe I should just let it go and enjoy our time together. If she is a lesbian, I am honored that she spends time with me. I am not jealous, if anything, I would rather know that she has a girlfriend, and I am the only man, than her being straight, and having several men. I am afraid if I approach this wrong (and knowing me I will probably say the wrong thing), and she will say something like "its none of your business," or something similar, and I will mess up everything we have.

So, do I let it go? or do I ask? and if so, how?

I hope you ladies on this board can help me.

Straight guy in love

Dear Straight Guy in Love: It is in my personal experience that you should never ask a person if they are gay. Coming to terms with ones sexuality is something that a person has to do on their own time. Even if you think she is questioning, or possibly could be seeing a woman, it is not appropriate to ask her, especially since you are not in a relationship. If she wants to come out to you, than she will when she is ready for you to know. The best thing you can do is let her know in a roundabout way that you are an open-minded person and comfortable with all types of sexualities. If she is questioning, than her knowing you are a supportive and open-minded person may make her feel more comfortable talking to you about it if and when she is ready. Other than that, there is not much else you can do but enjoy each other's company and respect your decisions to lead seperate lives when you are not together.

Best of luck to you,

For some reason this world requires a person to identify and either 100% straight or 100% gay but if when asked the question are you a lesbian or are you straight, I normally say 'I really like girls way more than boys but the two likes never meet in bed'... and that is the perfect description of my sexuality. Sexuality is simply not a black and white issue and everyone has there own version of normal. But the key here is being honest for all concerned.

Best of Luck,
Paula the Surf Mom

Dear Straight Guy,
I don’t think she is a lesbian at all, rather she is just brilliant! Why would she need another man when she gets sex and money from you, and friendship and support from her close friend? She’s got the best of all worlds.

Seriously though – women who claim to be bisexual can honestly be just that. I think everyone is on a scale and some scales lean heavier towards one gender in particular. To say you can not be bisexual is a very bold and inaccurate statement, which further leads me to believe she is completely straight and doesn’t know what she is talking about. Of course unless she really is bisexual and this is the only way for her to feel like she is pulling one over on you. But then why would should lie? Does she think you will be upset and no longer offer her your friendship and sex? Honestly, I don’t know many men that would disapprove, especially given your “arrangement.”

I definitely think you should let this one go. If you are both happy in your given situation, don’t rock the boat. And if you are as good of friends as you think, she will tell you when/if she wants to share further details about her relationship with this other woman, if there is in fact something to share.

Good luck!

My first question would be: does your current significant other know that you are engaged in a sexual relationship with PL (possible lesbian?) If she's aware that you are having a sex with another woman and is truly accepting of it, does it matter if that woman is gay, straight or bi-sexual?

I'm assuming PL is an adult woman and chooses her sexual partners based on her needs (sexual and, in this case, also financial). If she wanted another partner, or wanted to tell you about a current partner, I'm guessing she will/would.

If your current significant other doesn't know about PL, then I don't think EVERYONE in this triangle would be "happy with the way things are." Secrets are painful and hurtful.

What if PL's "friend" really was a lover? How would that change things for you? Would you resent being a sugar daddy? Feel used? Or would it excite you?

Sounds to me like there are a lot of variables in this scenario and getting to the core of what you really want to know - and why you want to know it - is important before even bringing it up with her.

It's clear that you seem to care about her, but I'm not sure why knowing if she's gay, straight or bi-sexual is of any importance - given you are in another relationship yourself.

As for bi-sexuals being confused, I couldn't agree less. I'm purely gay, but I have friends who are open to both sexes and the only thing they are confused about is why others seem so hung up on their sexual orientation.
Wishful Writer

I don't think you should ask her. It really is none of your business. If she hasn't let you into her world in the two years that you have been together then she doesn't want you in it. Sad but true.
Good luck,
Beebo Brinker

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1 comment:

curtis119 said...

Wishful Writer,
you hit the nail right square in the middle of the head. Right on!

Token Heterosexual,
listen to her advice and you won't go wrong.