1/25/08

Theories on the Lesbian U-Haul Phenomena

Let's face it, ever since the days of Sapphos, lesbians have entered relationships at warp speed. The excerpt below is a passage from a poem written by Sapphos herself while living on the Isle of Lesbos at the time of Ancient Greece:

"but come--if ever before
having heard my voice from far away
you listened, and leaving your father's
golden home you came

in your chariot yoked with swift, lovely
sparrows bringing you over the dark earth
thick-feathered wings swirling down
from the sky through mid-air

arriving quickly--you, Blessed One,
with a smile on your unaging face
asking again what have I suffered
and why am I calling again..."


There's the age old running joke Q:"What does a lesbian bring on the second date?" A: "A U-Haul" and for some reason, all lesbians are guilty of going through this at least once in their dating lives. So what's up with lesbians and their tendency to progress in a relationship at lighting speed? Well, I've come up with a few of my own theories that I would like to explore here.*

*Please be advised these theories are for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed in this article may have been written when I was drunk or sleeping. Please do not take them too seriously (or may god have mercy on your lipgloss).

Theory 1 - The low-income theory

This theory targets the younger lesbian population, either collegiate lesbians or recently graduated lesbians who have recently entered the working world. These women usually find themselves in crappy entry-level jobs which pay slightly over the poverty line. It is also known that most women graduate with substantial amounts of student loan debt and find themselves struggling to make ends meet in the real word. If lesbian 1 happens upon a lady caller of interest, it immediately becomes apparant to her that having said lady move in would subsequently reduce ther rent by 50% with the sharing of living costs. This would make paying for their already too-pricey ultra-hip art district studio apartment a lot easier on the wallet. With that said, the lady being courted might be encouraged rather rapidly to pack up her U-Haul and move on in.

Theory 2 - The beloved pet theory

This theory targets lesbian pet owners and the women they date. There are two classes of lesbians; the dog lesbians and the cat lesbians. Very rarely will you encounter a lesbian who shares a love for both species, it is almost always one or the other. Often times two women will start dating, one of whom owns a pet (we'll call it "Fluffy" for reasons of consistency). Lesbian 1 is very loyal to Fluffy; she has had him for many years and they are great companions. Then, lesbian 1 meets lesbian 2 and the sparks really fly. The relationship progresses in a great direction and they are spending a lot of time together. Suddenly, lesbian 1 starts to experience pangs of guilt for her neglect towards Fluffy. Fluffy has started to rebel by peeing on the carpets and pooping in the bathtub. Feeling torn between her new lover and her beloved pet, lesbian 1 comes to the conclusion that the only way to keep everyone happy and continue on with her life is to invite lesbian 2 to move in with her, and thus the U-Haul is packed up and off they go.

Theory 3 - The ugly theory

The ugly theory is simple, so I won't waste too much of your time here. It targets lesbians who feel they are ugly and find they have to compensate for their percieved ugliness with a really fantastic personality. This breed of lesbian's fear of rejection and the idea of never finding true love may lead to slight delirium. In these cases, the delirium may cause the lesbian to attach themselves to the first woman that shows a vested interest in them. This can lead to attached-at-the-hip-syndrome and ultimately cause the delirious lesbian to invite their new girlfriend to move in as soon as possible. This false sense of security that comes with the idea that if you live with your girlfriend, than you must be in a stable long-term relationship. Given the reality of how lesbian drama in these circumstances usually plays out, this situation almost always ends up in tragedy for the not-so-happily married couple.

Theory 4 - The first girlfriend theory

This theory is for everyone, whether you dated guys first (unfortunately) or you have only been with girls, if you're a lesbian you had to start somewhere and that somewhere was your first girlfriend. Whether you spent just a few short weeks, or many long years together, there is no denying that they were probably some of the most intense moments of your life. You probably stopped calling all your friends, had more sex than you ever imagined possible, and disappeared off the face of the earth (and this is all within the first month). And with all those endorphins flowing, who could resist jumping on the bandwagon and getting your own place together? So the U-Haul pulls up and for a few months, all is happy in paradise, and then reality sets in. The true colors shine and you pack up your U-Haul and flee the nest in search of your next great love. Don't worry though, you'll certainly never forget your first girlfriend, you'll also never make that mistake again.

So here I will conclude this segment on theories of the lesbian U-Haul phenomena. Don't don't go getting all flustered and feeling like you just can't seem to get it right when it comes to dating. I'll admit, I'm not perfect either (no matter how much I try). In fact, I pulled a U-Haul so badly with my first girlfriend that some might call it an OVERhaul. We were actually roommates before we started dating, so when our relationship began, we were already living together. That should make you feel a little better now.

In conclusion, The next time you're ready to pack up your stuff and run off to a tropical island with your new girlfriend, stop and think about your motives. Is it really because her pet Fluffy is so damn cute? Is it because she makes enough money to cover the cost of living and pay for the groceries? Or is it because you are simply too scared to be alone? Whatever the reason (and I don't care how great the sex is), make sure to re-think everything through 10 times or else you might find yourself stuck with a mortgage and a not-so-cute pet that pees on the carpet and poops in the tub.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, please leave your comment, after your reading is thru.

6 comments:

Acquafortis said...

I liked your theories.
I'm in an over a year relationship where my girlfriend U-hauled after a month.
Still going strong for now although I must admit there were various ups and downs.

~Julie Phineas~ said...

OMG! I am Lesbian #2 in your Beloved Pet Theory!!!

Acquafortis said...

Julie, cat or dog lesbian?

~Julie Phineas~ said...

Cat... I now have two step-kittens hahaha

fallwitch said...

I actually wrote a college paper on this once but I will summarize for brevity.

Its comes down to this. When hetro couples start to date there is always this thing that women have to do because we have a lot to lose by getting involved too quickly with a man. But even at first there is always that thing where we have to judge if the man wants us for just sex or perhaps even harm us. It takes us a while to get past all of this "stuff" before we will even consider getting serious. We really have to know (as best we can their intentions). It takes a while to peel through all the outer layers before we let ourselves get seriously involved. There was a study once that found that for most women, it takes at least 7 or more encounters with a man before they will feel "in love". Where as most men say it usually only takes 1-3. Men (generally speaking) have a lot less to risk getting involved with women then the other way around.

However, when women date women there is a whole layer of "stuff" generally speaking that we don't have to get through first. Most women can become very intimate (emotionally) very quickly with other women much sooner than they would with men (comparatively).

Because of this, we can know fairly quickly how we feel about another women. We can fall in love much quicker than hetro couples due to what I mentioned above, therefore, the u-haul joke, as funny as it is, is really not too far off the mark. (of course there is exceptions to everything, but for the most part I think this is pretty valid.)

Anonymous said...

What do women risk that men don't risk in getting involved in a relationship?

Look at the stats Lesbians rape, they have higher rates of domestic violence etc etc. The stats are in.

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