2/22/08

Ask Butchie: Looking for a Straight Answer


This week in our Lesbian Advice Column a 23year old bi girl says: "My Gaydar seems to be broken... Do I ask her directly if she's straight?"

Hello--
I could use some advice.

I'm a 23 year-old bisexual (one of those honest ones, not the "hasbian" type). Recently I met a girl who completely blew me away at first sight, first conversation, you name it. I miraculously gathered the hutzpah to get her information, and was quite thrilled, until I ran into her online profile. Straight, it says.


My gaydar disagrees. (Not to be silly, but she even drives a Subaru.) She's also failed to mention any previous boyfriends, guys she's interested in, anything of the relationship category sort in conversation since then. And oh, yes, we have hung out a few times--the first get-together, we saw a concert and stayed up chatting in her kitchen until 2 AM. I feel unbelievably comfortable around her, and we "click" like there's no tomorrow. Non-awkward silences, but great stories and talking and jokes, lots of shared interests, and a general agreement of personalities.


But there's the straight thing. The more time I spend with her, the more emotionally involved I will get (I know me), but I also can't imagine telling her until we've been friends for longer, and I at least have a chance to get some sort of feel for any potential non-straightness she might have. She's a little younger than I am, still in college, so I figure it's entirely possible she's one of those girls who doesn't figure out her sexuality until a little later; she's also from a very conservative town where no one comes out, so I can see how that would be a hard situation to be honest in. It's just hard, because she's very difficult to read and the conversation never moves in the direction of previous relationships, so I have no idea about her history; all I really know is there's this connection, and she has to be feeling it too.

So, do I tell her? Now, or later? Do I ask her directly if she's straight? Have people been in similar situations and can shed light on this? Help!

-- Gaydar-challenged

Well Ms. Gaydar Challenged I must start off by saying you are definitely not alone in this predicament. It is clear to me there is a connection here so don’t let someone’s status on their myspace page discourage you from nature and from letting this friendship/relationship flourish into something beautiful.

As they say go with your gut, ride it out. Get to know her a little better and what better way then to ask about her past , family ,friends, relationships. Hey who knows you might even get more information than what you asked for. If she doesn’t reveal the answer to the million dollar question, you might want to give her some time before asking her straight out. If she is questioning her sexuality and she is not yet comfortable with this it very well might push her away so you have to be careful and take baby steps. Take your time here and enjoy this wonderful ride. You will know when the right time is to drop the news. You know what feels right inside, stick to that.

Good luck my friend and thanks for writing in. I hope we could be of help to you and please feel free to tell all your friends about us too!

Love,
Butchie

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