My name is Julie Phineas and I am the newest addition to the awesome staff here at The Lesbiatopia Blog as your ‘Lesbian Parenting Guru’. I am very proud and excited to have the opportunity to share my thoughts and insights with you, and I hope you enjoy my posts which I plan to present every other Friday. To let you know a little about me, I am a work at home mom of 2 children, living with my domestic partner, Gina, in Southern California. My children are currently 5 years old and 7 years old, and I’ve got a GREAT woman by my side to share life with. I thought for my first Lesbiatopia post, I would share with you how exactly I became a lesbian mom.
I say that I ‘became’ a lesbian mom because I’ve been a straight mom, a single mom, and a lesbian mom.
I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and when I was young I fantasized about having two children by the time I was 25 years old then working on a career once they were in school. Of course this charted me on course for having kids as soon as I was considered grown.
By the time I was 19 I was engaged to the first guy who asked me to marry him, and I moved off to New York to start a life with him.
Unfortunately, before the wedding could take place I learned that having children with him was not going to happen. This was enough for me to call the wedding off and come back to Cali, where I decided I was going to be an independent woman. I had a short glimpse of what it was like to be a housewife living with my ex in NY, and I was determined not to fall in love or become attached again anytime soon. I started dating a little after a few months and even let my sister convince me to go on a few dates with her husband’s best friend and you’ll never guess what happened…
I got pregnant.
The sad part is that I had a miscarriage about six weeks into it. What happened there though is I got the baby bug in me again and you know what I did… I married the best friend. (*Re-living this is a lil’ painful I might add!) I really wanted to have children, and well, he said that he did too. So about a year later we got married, and three months later I had my new bun in the oven. YAY for the bun!!
That little bun is my little boy… Noah.
He’s seven years old now, and having him really changed my priorities in a snap. Ever since he was born I’ve been doing my best to be the best mom that I can. Even though having my son was the best thing that had happened to me, at the time it was the most confusing phase of my life. The relationship with his father was an illusion of what a relationship should have been, and it was clear to me right away that we needed something different.
I separated from my husband for a few months, and really enjoyed my time as a single mom.
It was during that time that I started exploring who I was more and trying to enjoy life. Gina was a friend of my mom and sisters, and I began to get close with her during this time as well. I hadn’t ever really looked at her as someone I could have a relationship with, I just knew that I really enjoyed her company. With my new found outlook on life though, I was open to the idea and when she expressed her romantic interest in me I accepted the invitation.
This is where things got really confusing and tangled and sordid and everything in between. (*sigh)
Here I was a single mom, estranged from my husband, establishing my independence, and exploring my sexuality. Hmmmmm… can anyone spell ‘recipe for disaster?’ Long story short, I was falling for Gina and loving my independence, but I tried to do what was best for my son and went back to work things out with his father. Try to guess what happened next??
I got pregnant. (again)
Whoops For The 2nd Time.
Needless to say, Gina was never speaking to me again, and I was stuck with the best friend.
Or so it seemed!
In a twisted turn of events, when I was 8 months pregnant with baby #2, Noah’s father was diagnosed with Cancer. (*definately not good.) After the baby was born we began a round of surgeries and medications and luckily he was able to eliminate the illness from his body. What happened here though is that we took a really good look at our lives, and our future together.
Baby #2 was a girl, Trinity Marie – born 2 years apart to the day from her brother.
My divorce was final a few months after her second birthday.
And of course - in true form of lesbians before me - I filed for Domestic Partnership with the True Love of my life, Gina Phineas, just FIVE DAYS after my divorce was final.
(And yes, there was a U-haul involved. *LOL)
So now here I find I have evolved into the role of Lesbian Mom, and my wifey, well, she gets named Recruiter of The Millennium by butch girls everywhere with their eye on the married chick down the street. *HaHaHa
We’ve covered a bit of ground together, and I’ve even got the woman’s last name!
She is ‘Mama’ and I am ‘Mommy’, and even though we have baby daddy drama now and then, the situation works and the kids are doing great! Noah is running for 2nd grade Student Council and Trinity is trying her best not to stand on the tables in Kindergarten. Gina and I have embraced marriage and parenting together (we complement each other very well) and have even entered the world of lesbian baby making!
Even though I’ve been a straight mom, a single mom, and a lesbian mom, one thing that is constant is that I am just a mom.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes because I was very naïve when I had my children and had them while I was still young; plus I faced the challenges of coming to terms with my sexuality and life choices at the same time. What I’ve learned through it all after all the parenting classes, books, and advice is that the one choice that always works is to do what is in the best interest of your child. This may not always be in the best interests of yourself or others, but I can say with confidence that it works for the children!
Whether you have babies, toddlers, schoolsters or teens… being a mom is a tough gig, lesbian or not, and I hope that thru my posts here on Lesbiatopia I am able to shed some light for others out there on what it is like to be a parent from the perspective of a lesbian.
I hope that you enjoyed reading about how I became a lesbian and I look forward to sharing more of my ‘lesbian mommy’ insights with you soon. Have a great weekend and take care out there in the world!
Much Love and Peace.