3/2/08

Lesbian Homo-scopes By Miss Clit-0

Life has its ups and downs and without the right guidance you can find yourself in an unfurnished apartment sitting on an old pizza box scraping your arms with a box cutter. Luckily life doesn’t have to be so drab!

Miss Clit-O a world un-famous pseudo astrologer is here to help! She has combed the lesbian cosmos to bring you the encouraging words you need just to get by.



Pisces- Feb 19th- March 20th You’ve been searching the cosmos for the answers your soul desperately needs. Instead of following in the footsteps of the Dali Lama why not pick up a James Brown CD or Jam out to some Aretha Franklin. Those mother fuckers really know soul. On the good foot bitches!

Aries March 21st - April 20th You’ve been so stressed out lately that your temper has been getting the better of you…Its time for you to take a chill pill. So throw on your favorite flannel, get out your coupon book and spend a little quality time with the one that you dominate. Life is way too short to write nasty letters to the Cheese Cake Factory home office because your fries were a little too salty.

Taurus April 21st - May 21st Taurus you’re known to be a little inflexible at times. This month you should start a yoga class. Maybe by June you’ll be a little more limber and you and your partner can master that backwards cowboy you’ve been working on. Giddy up!

Gemini May 22nd- June 21st Hey girls! I know you’ve been feeling a little restless lately and you’ve been dying to do something different. Instead of going off to Bali for a retreat to add a little pizzazz to the mundane just treat yourself to a little something that you and your woman can enjoy. I heard ball-gags are all the new rage! If you happen to have a video camera and some leather chaps you might just have all the new excitement that you need.

Cancer June 22nd- July 22nd With all those late nights watching forensic files you’ve been feeling less than secure these days. Why not utilize that Home Depot gift card your parents got you for Christmas and install a home security system. You’ll feel a bit safer while you cozy up with your favorite butch for that two hour court TV special on serial killers.

Leo July 23rd- August 23rd Hey my little lionesses! I know you’ve been dreaming about the day you get accosted by Gary Busey on the red carpet, but its just not your time. To satisfy those pipe dreams you should get with a gaggle of your girl friends and have a karaoke night out. You’ll be the Belle of the dyke bar as you bust out “Come to my Window” to starving Melissa Ethridge fans.

Virgo August 24th- September 22nd Hey Virgo, you’ve been a little tight with the man wallet lately. It’s not the end of the world to splurge on something frivolous. Miss Clit-o knows you’ve been drooling over that poster of Jackie Warner in the Curves locker room. It’ll be worth it for you to make the purchase. Just make sure you get a nice glass or plastic cover for it (paper tends to dissolve when you lick it).

Libra September 23rd- October 23rd Last month was a hard one and you’re feeling all out of sorts. Just remember everything happens for a reason and eventually things will balance out. Instead staying home and watching Fried Green Tomatoes over and over again hit the local watering hole and strike up a conversation with the nearest Drag Queen. They always have the best anecdotes that help make light of heavy situations.

Scorpio October 24th- November 22nd You’ve been so busy lately that even your vibrator is feeling the repercussions. You need to take your head out of the job and get it into something…else. It’ll do you good to put on that sexy black dress (or your favorite turtle neck.. whatever floats your boat)and go out and get crazy. It’s a shame to let your sexual prowess go to waste… and the scene is a little boring without a mysterious Scorpio on the prowl. Sagittarius

November 23rd- December 21st I know that your really excited because your new Encyclopedia Britannica came with a virtual DVD of the Solar system, but you’re really boring your girlfriend. It’s time for you to get your nose out of the books and begin exploring her universe. I bet she knows a place where you can find a three dimensional model of Orion’s Belt.

Capricorn December 22nd- January 20th You are a superstar! Not in that Mary Kathryn Gallagher sort of way; your kind of like the Angelina of you local dyke community. All that hard work has really paid off and you’re finally getting the recognition that you deserve. Its great to be able to take time to bask in the sunlight of your success but don’t be blinded by it. Put on a pair of shades so you can see what’s going on around you. Aquarius

January 21st-February 18th Hey! Why have you been so cranky lately? Did someone steal your Jon Benet Ramsey murder case trading cards? Don’t fret so much. Whatever you lost let it be lost and if you’re meant to have it, you will. Anyway, you’ll find something else that tickles your eccentricities in due time.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love love love these...oh what does miss Clit-o look like? A long lost of Miss Cleo

Beebo Brinker said...

she looks like Telly Savalas with a wig.

Lesberita said...

These are a few of my favorite things...

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