The Secret Lesbian Viking Enclave

Lesbiatopia’s managing editor informed me of the fact that this blog gets a lot of hits from Norway. As I am appointed as European Special Correspondent, she sent me on a quest to find the source of this unusual Scandinavian influx of traffic.

As it happens my day job requires allows me to be quite up-to-date on any information regarding other countries, including Norway. And I also happen to be a lesbian… so when combining these 2 factual elements with some well-aimed computer Google searches I should be able to pull this off. Or at least that’s what I thought.

The start of my virtual quest was a happy and hopeful one. I mean, who wouldn’t want to find a secret enclave of Norwegian (= fair-haired, blue-eyed & well-nourished) sisters? Even the fact that I actually live in Belgium and had no hopes of meeting any of these Norwegian beauties in the flesh, couldn’t stop me from getting all excited. (What’s a bit of flesh in this virtual day and age, anyway?)

I started having very vivid (Viking) visions of half-naked Xena-like women who worship the Midnight Sun by touching each other inappropriately while singing “we come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the wild butch queens grow”. And whose post-worshiping rituals consist of surfing to Lesbiatopia, of course. I guess you could say I got a little bit carried away. (Luckily all this happened late February and early March which made it a bit too early in the year to involve Solstices and other Dante’s Cove-inspired madness in my visions. Although, I do honestly think I can’t stretch my imagination that far.)

Anyway, there I was… spending my days Googling like mad, adding Norwegian lesbians to my Facebook friends list so I could question them in an atmosphere of virtual sisterhood, sifting through tons of Viking pictures and feverishly looking for a lead on this secret enclave of blond goddesses when I received a Facebook message from a very high-ranked Norwegian Government official (whose name I can never mention, obviously). Here’s the message:


My first thought was: don’t these Norwegians know that writing in capitals equals shouting? And then it dawned on me that in all these years I have been adoring women (as a hobby and a lifestyle) no bleu-eyed blonde woman has ever made it to the top regions of my hotlist anyway so I might as well take the subtle piece of advice, ask our managing editor to forgive me for not following through on the leads and write down in all honesty what happened to me on my quest.

The only option I have left now is to ask you, Norwegian Lesbiatopia visitors, if it’s true that there is a hidden elitist lesbian Viking enclave in Norway that desperately wants to remain secret. But you probably won’t be able to give us an honest answer anyway...

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Anonymous said...

ok so what happened now? You are googling like a mad-lesbian and your imagination is running away from you straight to the beds of sexy blond viking women and then someone shouts at you?! And that's it? No reason why you couldn't find out anymore info? Wow this just really sounds like an agent double o 8 story. (lol get it 008 because our lesbian agent has breasts lol)
Well either way I am confused, do we get to find out why our Norwegian sisters hit up this site so much? Do we get to find out why you weren't aloud to continue your research?

Anonymous said...

I'm Swedish. And I have very dark hair.
But I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
Norwegians speak weirdly. Even if you should land a hot Norwegian viking chick, you're never going to understand what she's talking about, because their inflections are so very, very, very odd. They'll say "I'm so depressed" and go up at the end, as though they are a French person asking a question.
I'M TELLING YOU. It's spooky.

~Julie Phineas~ said...

All I can say is WHOA.