It’s that time of the month ladies!Miss Clit-O Lesbiatopia’s very own pseudo astrologer is back to give you the guidance you need to make this the best lesbian month ever!Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s your time of the year baby girl! There is a new growth seeking to emerge this month Aries and I’m not talking abut that cyst on your gluteus, rather the inflammation of positive energy emerging from your heart. Embrace all that is… because before you know it… it will be gone.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re determined to find practical productivity in this world; but the world is anything but practical. I suggest disposing to action as opposed to speculation or abstraction. In laymen’s terms; if the mud slinging going on between the Democratic candidates is giving you heart burn…do something about it. Please…please do something about it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Love is in the air this time around Gemini. But in order for it to happen you’re going to have to take time out from those deep conversations with yourself and strike up a conversation with an actual person. That shy girl who works in the homeopathic section of health and beauty aids at Whole Foods might be the perfect candidate.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a lot of pain in this world and you can help. Your capacity to heal others is at its height this month. Make a point to talk to that lonely dyke at the bar; she’s hurting really bad and you might just have the right words to get her off the bar stool. And while you’re helping her you might just be helping yourself (that bar gets pretty crowded and you’d like a seat wouldn’t ya’)
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Stop looking in the mirror and complaining about your insecurities! Its so boring and a total turn off… and you’re better than that. You can either do something about them or accept them. Bottom line, Own your shit!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wow! How you doing Virgo? A lot has changed in the last couple of weeks and your wondering how in the hell your going to deal. Even the cosmos doesn’t know how everything is going to turn out. It all has to do with how you cope with adversity.
Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22)
Stop giving mixed signals! You’re like watching an episode of Tila Tequila. Libra’s are supposed to be all about balance, harmony, and love and you’re never going to achieve the of beauty of self-completion if you keep on playing games.
Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21)
Hey busy beaver. You’ve been all over the place lately and would give your left mammary gland for a clone. I would love to say that things are going to calm down but it’s not in the stars right now. All this hard work will pay off! You just need something to keep the momentum going. Try drinking a dozen egg yolks and going for a run. I guarantee that when you look behind you you’ll discover you have a sea of people that believe in you; and that’s just what you need. It’s the eye of the tiger baby!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hey Goonie, how’s the quest to find One-Eyed Willies secret stash. The reward at the end is sweet but remember it’s not about the treasure itself; it’s about the journey that leads to self discovery… and of course saving the Goon Docks.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Its one thing to be self disciplined but it’s another to strap on a metal cilice and flog yourself when you fall off the wagon. I know you want to look good for all the pool parties this summer but its okay to eat a carb once in a while. Live a little and have a piece of cake if you want; just don’t eat the whole cake…know what I mean.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18)
Sometimes it’s hard being you, but you have to stop comparing yourself to those who lack individuality and a sense of self. Where others will follow the standard recipe you find yourself throwing it out the window and creating something that nobody ever dreamed. Not everyone is going to want to eat Robutussen flavored brownies but then again you might meet a lady that suffers from chronic flew like symptoms that loves chocolate. The brownies and YOU might just be the thing she’s been looking for.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Last month was just magical. You were flying high on Falkore making your way through Fantasia. How lucky were you to remove yourself from the mundane and transcend to that mystical place you thought only existed in your dreams. But this month reality shows its ugly face and you find yourself at a standstill. The childlike empress is ill and you have to find the human child and defeat the Nothing in order to save her! Don’t give up! All she needs is a name.
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