7/4/08

Hot Dyke on Dyke Action

Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
-Blur



As ladies who love other ladies, we often find ourselves in the Butch/Femme dynamic in our relationships.

"Who wears the pants?" is a phrase I know we've all heard when questioned about our relationships- pass the barf bag. But what about our butch brothers and sisters who enjoy the same kind of masculinity within their relationships?

Personally speaking, I have never found myself to be attracted to other butch folk. I suppose I'm just a sucker for a skirt and a pair heels. However, I once danced with a rather sexy dyke and I had a really intense moment. We danced and grinned against each other. It wasn't an alpha dog experience but more of a boi on boi porno scene. She was forceful with me and it was surprisingly sexy, something I wasn't expecting. It got me thinking about the plus sides to what it would mean to date a lady like me.

Could I go butch on butch???

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Really, if you think about it, it makes sense.

It's the epitome of a queer relationship.

Two girls who look like boys who fuck each other. Hot, right?

It is quite the gender bender as well, and thats always fun.

If you have never considered the more masculine side of our fence, allow me to list a few horrendously stereotypical, but still possible upsides you might benefit from...

- If you can find butch lady that's a similar size as you, then VIOLA! New wardrobe!!
- Kiss them anytime, anywhere and no one ever has to worry about smearing the lipstick.
- You can call them to change your tire, not AAA.
- No long hair clogging the drains of your shower.
- Share the same social views on what the world is like for someone doesn't appear straight.
- Nothing will ever be broken between 2 Tool Slingers in the house.

I think thats definitely a list to consider. Enough to switch sides?

Maybe if I'm ever single again I'll give it a whirl...

Maybe.

22 comments:

Tina-cious.com said...

It's whoever you're attracted to! :)

Though I know a LOT of butches who cringe at the thought. :P

MFL said...

You know I never really did get this butch-femme divide.

I just am so not into pidgeon holing people into a certain 'group'

After the first few minutes, what they look like becomes less relevant than what they are like.

koen said...

It's funny to me that so many queer people (and gender queer people, at that!) wouldn't consider the thought of exploring attractiveness to others who identify as masculine or butch. It reminds me of straight men who become a little too offended with the idea of being with other men.

I appreciate this post! And I appreciate any discussion about this topic. As a "butch" person madly in love with another gender queer person, I've felt pretty lonely in a community that tends toward the butch/femme experience. Thanks for recognizing the possibilities of all sorts of attraction and for showing support.

Mr Leigh said...

3 cheers for the Gender Queer Revolution!!

Anonymous said...

We say that we want to be accepted whole-heartedly for our brand of loving and yet we still shuffle ourselves into heterosexual categories. A woman who likes a woman is still a woman unless she truly feels and identifies otherwise. In that vein there are no "he's" and "she's" just "us'".

Why within our own ranks do we allow ourselves to adhere to that heterosexual stereotype and what's more why is it that we find two fems more appreciable than the possibility of to butch ladies. Its funny my "homophobic" brother has the same perspective, two men are an abomination, two women that look like men are an abomination but two hot girly chicks??? RIGHT ON! Do we really want to be on the same wavelength as that jackass???

Sei said...

Anonymous-

I suspect that this is a subject that could be written upon at leingth by any number of psychologists and anthropologists.

To me, it boils down to the idea that we live in a "gender binary" society. Our society sees people's genders being either exactly male or female and not on any kind of spectrum. The idea that women play video games and want action packed games instead of ones based on Desperate Housewives and pink playstations has yet to really penetrate the brains of the game executives who still believe women and girls prefer one type of game and men and boys prefer another. I am a woman. I play action video games and love to watch action movies (if the lead is a beautiful woman in a tight outfit that's a definate bonus), and I watch anime and read manga. I think a lot of it is simply our preconcieved notions of what is female and what is male.

Ma'amselle Lezident said...

Oooo Sei I want to make sure you know about this site:

http://lesbiangamers.typepad.com/

These women are superstars. :)

Sei said...

Lezident, I have the site bookmarked already lol. Still, thank you :) I grew up playing video games, and I love playing various games. The horrible thing is, and I'm thinking of writing about it, I've experienced more homophobia and negative reactions to my gender/sexuality in the MMO I love to play than I have in the real world.

Sei said...

Oh yes, and I love that site. I stop by at least once a day to check on what's going on there.

Ma'amselle Lezident said...

That doesn't surprise me; if someone doesn't have to look into my eyes, they're more likely to talk smack. I don't know which MMO you're playing, but I know my buddy Joey plays WoW and is in some sort of LGBT guild that does annual pride parades through the game. Maybe you can start something like that in yours?

Sei said...

Lezident, I'm in WoW. In fact, the nickname Sei came from my 'main', an Orc Hunter. A friend of mine and I finally started a guild where I'm safe from a lot of the homophobia. I do think I know of your friend's guild, though, and I may go ahead and track it down. There were some news stories about an LGBTIQ friendly guild which sparked a lawsuit.

And, you're right. If people don't have to look at me, they don't think I have feelings or they don't care. It's made me very nervous about revieling anything about me online. I've been thrilled to be part of this site where I feel much more relaxed and can start to really get comfortable with my sexuality.

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

I have to admit, I'm a "sucker for the skirt and a pair of heels", too, the femme grrlz make me melt, even though they're nothing but trouble...

Anonymous said...

Why limit yourself to only look for one type of girl. Be open minded and whoever catches your eye or heart, go for it. Why would you not date someone just because they arent butch or girly?
--kris

Anonymous said...

My girl friend and I have gotten the question
"WHO IS THE GUY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?"
my response is always
"there is NO guy in this relationship,
that's the point." :]
wtf?!

Sasha said...

I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman that while tomboi-ish, is definitely NOT butch. Although I see a lot of butch tendencies in her. Being a femme myself, I think I actually try to pull out her butch side.

I just wonder why no one looks twice at femme on femme, but two hot butch women together is so taboo??

Woneykins said...

I've never been in a butch-femme relationship before, so maybe I'm a little biased, but (there's always a but), I just don't think there's anything attractive about mimicking the heterosexual dyad. Two beautiful, sensual, feminine women going at it? Now, that's hot...

PumaJ said...

I'm quite Femme and have always been. It has never been a choice, it just is. I love women. I love being around women. All types of women. Young, middle aged, old, straight, bi, femme, butch.. trans. I also love femme boys:-) But it has only and always ever been Butch women that turn me on and attract me sexually. I've been out in the lesbian life since 1969, when I was 18. I have zero issues with lesbians who are not femme or butch. I've had great friends amongst them. I find it very sad that even in this day and age with so much more knowledge and acceptance about gender issues, that some lesbians still think the Butch/Femme dance is somehow mimicking the hetero "dyad". That attitude and belief shows a true lack of knowledge about the varieties of sexuality within our community. Even during the most ardent years of second wave feminism, in which I was quite involved, I never stopped being Femme or being sexually attracted to Butch women. It is as natural to me as breathing. Just to be clear, though, trans women, i.e. bio women becoming men are not Butch women to me. They are guys, essentially. For me it is the person, who is still a woman but who owns and runs a great deal of her masculine energy that attracts me. She may look like a guy to some, even wear men's clothes. But, she is still a woman. Hope that makes sense.

kerri said...

haha!i love it,and i totally agree,i too prefer my women to extremely feminine,i mean like 'I REFUSE TO CHANGE A TIRE BECAUSE I DONT WANNA BREAK A NAIL'type feminine lol..but once and awhile ill come across a very attractive butch girl,but the type of butch that has a pretty face and small in size like myself,and i think'hmmm...shes kinda cute'..so yeah its def crossed my mind a few times if i could ever be with another butch,but i think it all honesty,my heart will always be with the lovely femme ladies,i love taking care of a girl,spoiling her,doting on her.but i would def be open to the idea if the situation presented itself.its all about timing i guess..

Lisbet said...

I've been asked that same question a few times and my reply was identical except I said "There isn't one. That's WHY we're lesbians. "

Lisbet said...

I've been asked that same question a few times and my reply was identical except I said "There isn't one. That's WHY we're lesbians. "

Lisbet said...

I do think it sounds so silly to presume that butch/femme relationships are some kind of cheap knockoff of straight relationships. I've seen those types of ignorant comments made by homophobes on my pro-gay-marriage Facebook posts. The truth is that 99% of us struggled with finding /accepting our identity and during that time we tried a few people on for size ; ). I'm sure I speak for more than just myself when I say that butchies are not hot because they're kinda like men and I somehow secretly want a man. If I wanted a man I'd have one. It's not like they are rare or difficult to obtain lol. I love the look, feel, smell and voice of a butch and neither a femme nor a male is an acceptable substitute. Every butch/femme relationship is different, just like every relationship is different. Every butch is a mixture of butch and femme, and everyone's percentages are different. The same goes for femmes, most have at least some "stereotypically male" qualities. If not they'd be impossible to live with. The point is that even in butch/butch or femme /femme relationships, while the match may appear identical to outsiders, inside the dynamic of the relationship there's still a more dominant partner, in many cases.

Lisbet said...

You are so wise on these gender issues. Lesbians don't come in a box with our ingredients listed on the side. Gender is not only different for each individual but also fluctuates throughout life. As for your brother, I disagree that any two consenting adults who love each other having sex is an abomination, however, as a femme, the idea of two hot butchies getting busy=Yummy! Your brother knows that whatever type you're into, two is better than one. I concur ; )

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