by Cynthia Rodriguez
Resident Bookworm and Book Reviewer Extraordinaire
I surrender. I've decided I'm gonna be known in the future as the old witch on the block who lives with seven cats. That seems to be what lesbian spinster stories are made of. Almost fifteen years of relationship experience in the gay community has caused much heartaches, headaches and borderline alcoholism. Years of plenty of Rolaids and Xanax later, I've realized there is multitude of lessons I've learned about the female mystique and emotional scars that have all but shredded my rainbow flag.
The road trip back from Philadelphia with a co-worker this past Saturday night was transformed into a mobile confessional for me regarding my frustrations with relations to women. Us "brain ninjas" as Dane Cook refers to our sex,I have to agree with. I feel so detached from our mind manipulating gender sometimes. I hate to admit that at times I can totally relate to, and even sympathize with straight guys. Women are a such a pain in the ass, it just makes me want to run back in the closet again and lock the dead bolt.
We are a complex, crazy, complicated species. Sometimes I feel it's almost masochistic to be a lesbian. Not because of the conservative right, the politics of it, or any of the constant, societal bullshit we go through. I'm talking about of the emotional road wrecks involved.
At this point of my life, I can probably classify the distinct types of romantic affairs I've had into certain sections: The newbies, the veterans, and the "straight"/bisexual/bicurious/married women seemingly being the main categories.
The newbies in all their fresh, novice glory has it's advantages and disadvantages. One one hand, it's a great opportunity to attempt to mold them into the "perfect" lesbian on every level. That is of course, until they become sexually seasoned enough to want to venture out into new territory, then you're screwed, and not in a good way. On the other hand, dealing with the constant low self confidence, self esteem issues, the baggage that goes with all that, and the whole "not out", or "not out to everyone" status can become a little cumbersome as well. It gets hard to remember the who's who in their world of who knows they're gay and who doesn't. "So, the lady we bumped into the grocery store knows, but your best friend's cousin's neighbor doesn't..." The younger ones are great in the fact they usually don't have kids, and/or alot of responsibilities to deal with so they usually have the most time to spend with you, sometimes a little too much time, however, they're usually the most broke, and the dumbest. I love when I hear an ex from long ago tell me how much they learned from me and how far they've come thanks to me and blah, blah, blah. I just think to myself, "I'm so happy I've helped you become a better person...for someone else."
The benefits of dating veterans is the experience they have. The detriment of dating veterans is the experience they have. It's definitely refreshing not having to play Obi Wan Kenobi in the bedroom, and be with someone who knows what they are doing. Being able to relate to the similar joys and struggles with one who's been there can be comforting...and annoying. Sometimes, all at the same time. Mutual past difficulties with lesbian relationships can leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, no pun intended, and a rough road ahead where you feel you have to "prove" yourself that your better than that last girlfriend they had who was a "real bitch or a cheat" or whatever...
It gets a little old after a while, and I figure, so am I, so I don't really have the time and energy to deal with all the suspicions, trust issues, endless discussions that begin with "we need to talk about that" (a five minute incident should not turn into a five hour discussion), and not so healthy behaviors such as going through my phone and reading every single text I have in there and so on. The older ones usually have the serious work ethic though, and for the most part you don't have to worry about setting aside a separate budget just to date them. They are the most cunning however, in the mind games. If they learn your weak spots, they collect enough ammo to emotionally squash you like a bug.
The last category, oh yeah, they're a real trip. I can do an entire blog just on them. The "straight" girls amuse themselves by keeping you as their little "guilty pleasure" on the side. Summoning you once in a while when they're bored, or pissed off at their boyfriends.
The bicurious and bisexual broads are a true roller coaster ride. Not saying that they all can't be monogomous, but I hate when they are not honest about it. Again, nice to hear from another ex how they are just trying to date now, and not just "hook up". All I can think of is "Wow, I'm so glad you're not a whore anymore, like when you were with me, that's great..."
Married women, now that's just asking for pure trouble, in every possible way. The "desperate housewives" road is a dead-end, in every sense of the word. When the novelty of the risk fades on both ends, and the hard realization kicks in that they can lose everything, and you can possibly gain the lovely reputation of "home wrecker", you learn that getting sucked into their suburban world ends up making you want to impale yourself on their white picket fence. That's all I have to say about that.
The immoral to this story? There isn't one. It's just...I guess I have issues.