9/12/08

Lesbian Relationships: Notes from a Bitter, Jaded, Middle-aged Lesbian

by Cynthia Rodriguez

Resident Bookworm and Book Reviewer Extraordinaire

I surrender. I've decided I'm gonna be known in the future as the old witch on the block who lives with seven cats. That seems to be what lesbian spinster stories are made of. Almost fifteen years of relationship experience in the gay community has caused much heartaches, headaches and borderline alcoholism. Years of plenty of Rolaids and Xanax later, I've realized there is multitude of lessons I've learned about the female mystique and emotional scars that have all but shredded my rainbow flag.

The road trip back from Philadelphia with a co-worker this past Saturday night was transformed into a mobile confessional for me regarding my frustrations with relations to women. Us "brain ninjas" as Dane Cook refers to our sex,I have to agree with. I feel so detached from our mind manipulating gender sometimes. I hate to admit that at times I can totally relate to, and even sympathize with straight guys. Women are a such a pain in the ass, it just makes me want to run back in the closet again and lock the dead bolt.


We are a complex, crazy, complicated species. Sometimes I feel it's almost masochistic to be a lesbian. Not because of the conservative right, the politics of it, or any of the constant, societal bullshit we go through. I'm talking about of the emotional road wrecks involved.

At this point of my life, I can probably classify the distinct types of romantic affairs I've had into certain sections: The newbies, the veterans, and the "straight"/bisexual/bicurious/married women seemingly being the main categories.

The newbies in all their fresh, novice glory has it's advantages and disadvantages. One one hand, it's a great opportunity to attempt to mold them into the "perfect" lesbian on every level. That is of course, until they become sexually seasoned enough to want to venture out into new territory, then you're screwed, and not in a good way. On the other hand, dealing with the constant low self confidence, self esteem issues, the baggage that goes with all that, and the whole "not out", or "not out to everyone" status can become a little cumbersome as well. It gets hard to remember the who's who in their world of who knows they're gay and who doesn't. "So, the lady we bumped into the grocery store knows, but your best friend's cousin's neighbor doesn't..." The younger ones are great in the fact they usually don't have kids, and/or alot of responsibilities to deal with so they usually have the most time to spend with you, sometimes a little too much time, however, they're usually the most broke, and the dumbest. I love when I hear an ex from long ago tell me how much they learned from me and how far they've come thanks to me and blah, blah, blah. I just think to myself, "I'm so happy I've helped you become a better person...for someone else."

The benefits of dating veterans is the experience they have. The detriment of dating veterans is the experience they have. It's definitely refreshing not having to play Obi Wan Kenobi in the bedroom, and be with someone who knows what they are doing. Being able to relate to the similar joys and struggles with one who's been there can be comforting...and annoying. Sometimes, all at the same time. Mutual past difficulties with lesbian relationships can leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, no pun intended, and a rough road ahead where you feel you have to "prove" yourself that your better than that last girlfriend they had who was a "real bitch or a cheat" or whatever...

It gets a little old after a while, and I figure, so am I, so I don't really have the time and energy to deal with all the suspicions, trust issues, endless discussions that begin with "we need to talk about that" (a five minute incident should not turn into a five hour discussion), and not so healthy behaviors such as going through my phone and reading every single text I have in there and so on. The older ones usually have the serious work ethic though, and for the most part you don't have to worry about setting aside a separate budget just to date them. They are the most cunning however, in the mind games. If they learn your weak spots, they collect enough ammo to emotionally squash you like a bug.

The last category, oh yeah, they're a real trip. I can do an entire blog just on them. The "straight" girls amuse themselves by keeping you as their little "guilty pleasure" on the side. Summoning you once in a while when they're bored, or pissed off at their boyfriends.

The bicurious and bisexual broads are a true roller coaster ride. Not saying that they all can't be monogomous, but I hate when they are not honest about it. Again, nice to hear from another ex how they are just trying to date now, and not just "hook up". All I can think of is "Wow, I'm so glad you're not a whore anymore, like when you were with me, that's great..."

Married women, now that's just asking for pure trouble, in every possible way. The "desperate housewives" road is a dead-end, in every sense of the word. When the novelty of the risk fades on both ends, and the hard realization kicks in that they can lose everything, and you can possibly gain the lovely reputation of "home wrecker", you learn that getting sucked into their suburban world ends up making you want to impale yourself on their white picket fence. That's all I have to say about that.

The immoral to this story? There isn't one. It's just...I guess I have issues.


25 comments:

Sue said...

right on sister! my most recent (and most emotionally debilitating) tryst was with your last category - and i must say you nailed it. now, if i could just let her go... ;)

enjoyed this a lot. hang in there. and by hang in there i mean cats are cool.

Renee Gannon said...

You articles are hilarious, I just love them! And there is nothing wrong with people a crazy cat lady... cats are waaaay cooler than people anyway.

Anonymous said...

Um, well, I guess I am the last paragragh...sorry!

Anonymous said...

so, the next time you sleep over we'll talk. i love you beyond love and i adore, absolutely adore, your writing. Pookie xx

Sei said...

Are you trying to scare me away from dating?

I loved the article. I sometimes found myself baffled and laughing. Still, there really is the worry about breaking out in chronic cats.

Renee Gannon said...

"Women are a such a pain in the ass, it just makes me want to run back in the closet again and lock the dead bolt." You hit the nail on the head with this one. haha.

Sei said...

My luck with relationships has been pretty poor, over all. My last girlfriend was about two years ago now, and she fit into the last category. Around the end of the second month, I really came to realize that she was more interested in guys than in me, and kept pressuring me to be more male than was comfortable for me. I broke it up about a week later without regret. I decided I wasn't ready for a relationship yet.

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

LOVING the feedback! Thanks you'se guys. At first I thought, omg, am I saying too much? lol...but then I thought, nahh.

And Sei, don't let my personal little misery scare ya', it's really not that bad, well, it IS, this is my half-ass attempt to be positive, I don't think it's really working...

-Cindy Rodriguez

Sue said...

hey, anonymous #1, what's your number? ;) jk hahaha. (if you knew me it would be funny.)

Sei said...

Cindy-

Don't worry about it. I was trying to be silly. I've got a lot of reasons why I'm not dating right now. One of which is I'm still getting comfortable with myself (I sort of fit into the first category right now). Maybe someday in the near future I'll start dating again.

Anonymous said...

Cinnie....
I loved the last paragraph..

Anonymous said...

Oh no you didn't just call yourself middle aged - we're the same age remember...
Obi Wan Kenobi? Yikes - I'm confused! :\
Great article, Cindy - you really shared yourself and made it fun to read.

Anonymous said...

Nice T-shirt BTW

Anonymous said...

--good job.

Ellis said...

Oh this is terrible...I am the first, my last love was the second and my current crush may be the third.

Help.

On the other hand, forewarned is forearmed. Great article!

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

Thanks Ellis, it's interesting and kind of funny to see people think of and share what "category" they are in.

At the same time, if it helps at ALL, then it's worth it. I like my blogs to be entertaining AND educational.

Nothing wrong with being and dealing with the different "categories", as long as you know what you're getting into...

MLC said...

I think being a lesbian could be really great -- if you didn't have to date women. That's the real problem right there.

Brain ninjas...funny!

-janet

Anonymous said...

I like cats but don't want seven..how about a nice cave? Like the one Tom Hanks had in Castaway. That's where I'm taking my bitter, jaded, middle aged ass...lol. No whining, no stupid conversations, no 100 dollar contraptions to have an orgasm. I think I will take a cot though.

Anonymous said...

AHHH Now I'm too scared to even try getting a date...as if I will anyway, Chicks scare me..

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

they scare me too.

Lisa said...

Whenever my best friend goes through crap with guys, she always says maybe she'd be better off as a lesbian - and I always tell her: you know what we're like - would you want to deal with another you??

Sigh. I really love this post - makes me feel like I'm not alone in my relationship frustrations, and that people of all different ages and orientations are going through the same shit. I guess deep down, I feel there's someone special out there for everyone, and I refuse to settle for anyone that's remotely like any of the losers I've dated.......yet, now this makes me incredibly picky, which will ensure that I will die alone in my really cool apartment with my really cool dog that I will purchase someday in an effort to not feel lonely... ;)

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

Lisa, thank you sooo much for the comments, they were great, and really funny.

It reminds me of an old SNL skit with John Lovitz doing a "public service announcement" about women needing to "lower their standards", funny but sad at the same time...

Anonymous said...

I hate the veterans, and the rookies, the rest are stuck in the middle... Still waiting to hear about a successful long-lasting lesbian relationship...

Anonymous said...

It's easy to lose faith in lesbian relationships - and in other people's love. When I'm feeling especially cynical, I try to remind myself that I have faith in my own love. I trust myself and my intentions. I just try to be patient and hope to meet someone else who is kind and that I can trust. They have to be out there somewhere.

Anonymous said...

I think F up people are just that regardless of sexual orientation.

For example, I work a lot with young trans people and many of them expect someone to fix it all for them. Ah, its mostly on you.

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