Dear Busy Beaver & Pugs,
i realize that i am probably a rarity when it comes to the lesbian community - and women in general for that matter. i've never really been into oral sex. receiving is ok, nice sometimes, but just doesn't blow my mind. never has. that's not to say that many great amazing partners haven't done it because they have, and yes it's always...ok. personally i need more to really have a mind-blowing orgasm. i've been in a relationship most of my adult life, serial monogamist. somehow i've tended to meet and get involved with women that feel like their strap-on is an extension of themselves... so the oral thing was never an issue. it's not that i dislike going down on a partner, it's just that because it never was that great for me i never got the point.
well i'm single for the first time in quite a while. i'm not interested or ready to get involved in another relationship but i want to be sexually active. i met a woman a while back who really opened my eyes to how amazing it can be to go down on someone. i really love it now, i definitely want to have oral sex with new partners that i meet - however, i'm a lesbian in my 30s who has very little experience with it. which is just crazy, i should really know more than i do. i've asked advice other places online and pretty much they say everyone is different and you just have to explore and figure it out. that's all fine and good, but how do i get over my feelings of inexperience?
i'm not going to go out there and have sex with a bunch of women. i don't want a relationship but at the same time i'm not interested in one night stands. i know i can't really get experienced without experience but what can make me feel more confident in going down on a new partner? since i don't particularly like receiving oral sex, what do i need to know/understand about giving it? i know over-thinking it is probably just going to pose more of a problem, but i am really really intimidated about going down on a new woman who has more than likely been with people way more experienced than me.
I Need the Low Down on Goin’ Down
Dear Low Down,
Unfortunately, there’s not one magic trick to going down on a woman. Dan Savage wrote a hilarious column about this, wherein he asked women to write in about what they wanted out of their partners. The advice was so conflicting and funny I almost wet my pants reading it.
You can check it out HERE.
But back to you, Low Down. Here’s what you have going for you. You are articulate and you know what you want to do and you want to learn. I hope you are articulate in person, not just in writing, because before you use that tongue of yours to do The Deed, you are going to need it to communicate.
When things are heating up in the bedroom, you need to be able to say something along the lines of, “The thought of going down on you totally turns me on. But what turns me on even more is knowing that I’m doing what you want, so don’t be afraid to tell me to slow down, speed up, a little to the left, or whatever. This is all about me pleasing YOU.” Sound corny? Well, it works. Just ask my girlfriend. Half the fun of being with someone is finding out what turns her crank. You can literally find new ways of doing things for YEARS. You don’t need to be a porn star the first time out.
Oh, and allow me to disabuse you of a couple of assumptions you seem to have. You are not as much of a rarity as you think. And no one is going to know you are inexperienced or less experienced because like I said, every woman is different. They might think, “Oh, I bet she’s doing what she did to her last girlfriend, but that doesn’t really work for me.” Or, “Nice technique, just needs a little fine-tuning because I have a labia fetish.” Or they might simply think, “Holy shit! This girl’s good!” You never know going into it. This is why communication is key. It’s the key to everything in life, actually. People who are good communicators are happier and have better orgasms in my opinion.
I might also add that if you were able to communicate to your partner what YOU want, you might find a whole new level of orgasm from someone going down on you. I have seen this happen. It’s like a light starts shining somewhere deep in their coochie and beams out of their eyes. It’s a sight to behold.
Dear Low Down,
There’s not a lot I can add to the excellent information that Busy Beaver has given you. As usual, she has hit it out of the ballpark. The only thing I would offer is to go with your heart. Hopefully you like the girl you’re going down on at least as a friend. Usually, when I like someone, I want to please her. So I would say focus on her and forget about yourself. This is about making her happy so do what you can to make sure she’s having fun. And like Beaver said, talk to her. If she doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying the experience, ask her what would make it better for her.
Questions? Write to the Busy Beaver and Pugs at firstname.lastname@example.org