Christine's Answers from the Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today's question comes from a woman who isn't sure how to define her sexuality.

Dear Christine,
I'm bi-sexual at the moment and I am not sure if I am a lesbian. I have dated guys for a about 6 years. Since I've come out about being bi, I realize that
I am only physically attracted to guys. Any time I have a relationship, I end up
avoiding a kiss or anything sexual because It just doesn't feel right. I am wondering
if that meant that I was a lesbian or not. Its really confusing, I hope you can help.

Waiting for Ladies

Dear Waiting for Ladies,

You've dated men already, you know you're not that interested in them sexually right now. You've just recently admitted to being attracted to women but it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring that yet. I'm interested in why you are concerning yourself with men right now when it seems like the perfect time to be embracing your sexual experience with women. I imagine that you have been harboring sexual attraction to women for ages and now that you have come out about it, experiences with women are what you are craving. If I had waited six years to start sleeping with women, I wouldn't feel very turned on by sleeping with another man right now either. It seems the next logical step to start sleeping with women. Satisfy that experience for yourself rather than growing to resent yourself and the men who you hook up with for not being what you really want.

Wanting to sleep with only women at this point in your life does not exclusively define your sexuality. Sexuality is a fluid thing, an ever changing part of one's identity. You do not need to accept any standard of defining sexuality that says you must pick one sex over the other for the rest of your life. You may date who ever you want whenever you want. The best thing you can do is find healthy relationships for yourself. As you grow in your life, you will need different things at different times. So be nice enough to yourself to find the right relationship for yourself regardless of sex and with out regard to labels.

All my best,


Becky C. said...

Although I am one who believes, at least in women (and I hope it is not heresey to say it might be somewhat different in most men) there is a sliding scale of sexual orientation--the reason that probably most totally straight women have some latent bisexual tendencies--there is a reason that a lot of fashion magazines are soft lesbian porn.

To be a lesbian a girl has to not only be sexually attracted to other girls, but be either repulsed, or at least non-plussed, by male sex--even though there may be some residual attraction. For example, militant lesbians have to deny that creatures such as Brad Pitt even exist, inorder to maintain their world view:)


Renee Gannon said...

Becky, I have to respectfully disagree with you to some extent. I agree that there is a floating scale of sexuality and sexual attraction, much like Kinsay stated many years ago, and for the most part, sexuality is not a black and white issue. Although I understand that there are women out there who find sex with men repulsive, I don't think it is this reason alone that defines them as a lesbian. In fact, I bet there are "straight" women who maintain physical and emotional relationships with only men, yet find sex with them repulsive. Does this mean they are lesbians? They themselves would not define themselves as a lesbian and neither would society.

I believe that it is only up to the woman to define her sexuality. Afterall, the term "lesbian" or "bisexual" is simply a label. I am not repulsed by sex with men and I have sexual and emotional relationships with men in the past. I have come to learn that I feel more sexually attracted to women and I choose not to identify as bisexual because I prefer the physical and emotional connection of a woman over a man. I don't believe that my sexual inclination to women is a choice, but I do believe how I choose to label my sexuality is a choice. I know that sounds more complicated than it should be. There are many people who choose to repress their attractions to the same sex. Does that mean they aren't gay?

Sinnerviewer said...

I consider myself a lesbian but I would throw Jon Bon Jovi on the bed in a heartbeat. But he's the only one...

Jul said...

I've got to say that I'm with Renee on this one. I LOVE having sex with a woman, but I don't hate men, nor do I find them repulsive.

Perhaps the reader is talking about a specific type of "lesbian separatist" who may believe things about men that I don't. I don't hate them, I just don't prefer to sleep with them. They're funny, can be charming, and we share some appreciations of the fairer sex.

Saying that...I personally had a good laugh at the recommendation "It seems the next logical step to start sleeping with women."

Isn't that always the next logical step?

karen said...

Great discussion. I've only been in two long term relationships. Both have been with women because I have found that the emotional connection has been deeper and that makes everything more satisfying - at least for me, but I still feel that I must say I'm bisexual. I say this because I have dated and had relationships with men in the past and if anything happened to end (heaven forbid) my current relationship I would consider myself still open to dating men or women. I look at guys like Ashton Kutcher or Gale Harold and I think - Hell, yeah, I'd sleep with them if the situation presented itself and the circumstances were right. Maybe I'm a lesbian with bisexual urges. I don't know. I don't really like labels.

Chris said...

...just be true to yourself woman!

Anonymous said...

im 47 and April this year i started sleeping with a beautiful woman. This completly threw my world upside down. She was a woman i have known for 7 years and saw her once a week at a meeting, but the last year spoke more. I knew i was attracted to her and like to be around her. I was confused of my feelings and thought maybe it was because i thought she would be a good friend.I have 2 very good friends who are lesibans but never felt anything for a woman before sexually. What this experience made me realise was that it was the person i was attracted to,and the sex of the person didnt matter. The sad thing of it was the outcome was that i couldnt handle it, i felt it was so full on and i felt lost in it, and that scared me off. I never realised what a feeling bundle women were, not a bad thing but i think i have been in some very messed up relationships. I couldnt handle someone being lovely and wanting to be round me all the time.I aslo struggled big time with age gap as she was only 30 and with me being 47, i found hard.Im still dealing with it, and know she is really hurt and the sad thing is at the moment i have lost a woman who could have been a very special friend in my life. I cannot be around her at moment as we end up sleeping together then we are back to square one. The whole experience has now made me look at women sexually and wish this experience had happened few years ago.

t said...

Follow your heart sweetie - no need to stick the label on just yet...

Saying that I must admit that it is easier said than done...15 years ago I had the same thoughts though I didn't have any problems having sex with men.. The thoughts were buried deep under ground and I never really thought about it afterwards...until recently..

I live in a long term relationship with my husband (with kids). I fell in love with a woman earlier this year and we are still seeing each other. In the beginning I had his acceptance, however now I feel that this is beyond control, and I have to realize that staying in my marriage will probably ruin both relationships, which is why I have filed for divorce (he won't sign though..).

In your letter you do not describe your current relationship status - I assume that you are single - I think you should follow your heart and give the girls a try...you will regret it later on if you don't.