Lesbiatopia readers meet Mclovin. Mclovin is a very good friend of mine. He was a strappingly handsome butch when I met him a little over a year ago and has since decided to transition from woman to man. He is an awesome person; a lot of fun, kind, helpful, funny... really an all around guy. I am so supportive of his decision to transition and have asked him to share his story with you because I know you will show him the kind of love and support that he needs. Now, without further ado...Mclovin's story (pseudonym being used to protect the authors identity). - Renee
- by: McLovin
I am your typical red blooded, all American male. I like motorcycles and I pin up pictures of hot, mostly naked chicks on my walls. I wear a lot of blue and brown. I sport one earring. I play drums, chess, and love healthy competition. Not to say that being an American male necessarily has anything to do with these interests, but to me, it’s defining, and being defined is something I have lacked for so long that finally finding a boundary is actually freeing. I will explain, you see, I am a transgendered man.
What does that mean, you say? Well, honestly, until recently, I had no idea. And it seems pretty cliché for me to write about it since my story is just about like two dozen others that can be read online. I am finally able to say it out loud to myself, allow it to sit in my ears and relish in my new found self proclamation. Basically, what this means to me is that I am going to endeavor on a journey which will make me love and embrace myself for the first time in my existence, but could possibly make most every other person who has loved and embraced me throughout my life reject me.
I received Barbie dolls for my birthdays until I was 9. I was made to be a witch for Halloween, not a vampire, and made to wear a princess dress, even though on a regular basis I would pretend I was Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty. I took an early interest in sports and athletics, and I was an aggressive and active child, always picking fights and very often winning them, with other neighborhood boys. Imagine my surprise when I realized I was the only one who knew I was a boy.
I began to emulate females because everyone else placed these expectations on me, and by everyone else, I mean the people who bought my clothes. I did those things females do because everyone expected me to. Not because it felt natural or because I wanted to, but because I did not want to disappoint. I always wanted to swim with my shirt off, and be a boy scout, and imagined myself growing up to be a man. I never shared this with anyone but my dog. Even as a young child, I remembering fearing the inevitable rejection. I am to the point in my life now where I embrace those boyish adventures I never got to pursue comfortably as a kid. Many of the things I was unable to enjoy as a little girl, I am revisiting as a newly released ‘man’. Sure it seems a little juvenile that I laugh at fart jokes, but considering I spent the better part of my teens crying into my pillow and pasting smiles on my face just to get through another day as a ‘girl’, I figure I owe myself the opportunity to be a kid.
Coming to grips with my gender identity has left no corner of my life unturned. I forced myself to rethink the religious doctrines I was taught as a child and blaze a path of my own. I believe God has feminine and masculine traits. Since God is so illusive with his gender and at times even androgynous, wouldn’t it then make sense for him to include that pattern into his creation as well? I mention this because I feel connected to God as a man in ways I never could imagine as a woman. I see myself as someone strong and able to protect and provide for a family and raise healthy, well rounded children, who experience love and acceptance from two parents, committed to each other. As a female, I never had a desire to be married, raise children, and certainly never felt capable of being the leader of a family. I know many women who fill this role regularly and capably, however, I was never one of them. It simply was not in my heart. As soon as I began accepting myself as a guy, hell yeah, all of the above! I could be a great husband, forgetting anniversaries and birthdays, and a great dad getting a ‘dad of the year’ barbeque apron for fathers day, and teaching my kids to drive in the local mall parking lot.
I still have a ways to go on my journey of self-discovery. It’s unfortunate that the process of figuring out who I am causes so much tension in my relationships with the people I love. I want to share my story for several reasons: I know that there are other guys like me out there, and I want them to know they are not alone. Two, I want to educate people who may be ignorant or misinformed on what it really means to be transgendered. Most of all, though, I want to be completely honest about who I am. I don’t ever want to hide in the closet any more. This is me, and you can take it or leave it. I won’t change for anyone but me.