A Lesbian's View on "Fifty Shades of Grey" By E.L James
A BOOK REVIEW
BY CYNTHIA RODRIGUEZ
Why would a full-blown, old veteran dyke be writing a book review on the Straighty McStraighterson book of the year? Well, mostly because I was curious as to what all the hoopla was about. I had an idea, but I don't think I was ready for what was in store. And just for the record, as of yet, I have only read the first book. I do plan on reading the other two, but from what I've heard so far from everyone who's read the rest of the trilogy, it doesn't seem like I'm missing much. The word that keeps popping up the most is REPETITIVE.
Okay, so for those who are STILL in the dark as to what is "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY", (HELLO, where have you been? Under a rock?), here it be in a sorta nutshell: a beautiful, college graduate is sucked into the Marquis De Sade world of a young, handsome, successful, business man named Christian Grey. Like a mullet, he's all business in the front, and all "red room of pain" party in the back. By day he is all Trump-like powerful business man, but by night with his chosen ladies he is as big, fat, freak-a-leek as they come. Can you imagine how many straight laced looking guys out there are really like this? Yes, they really do exist. You know you're out there you freakshows. But I digress. So, boy and girl meet. Boy whips girls ass with a flogger (Google it). Boy and girl fall in love. Girl leaves boy because he is emotionally unavailable. The end.
Of course, I've left out the best part which is what obviously has made this trilogy a one-handed reading best seller. SEX. But not just any ol' "vanilla" sex. We are talking bondage, S&M, the good stuff, even if in light, soft core portions. It has been dubbed "mommy porn" because of it's seemingly popularity among housewives. (SEE SNL PARODY and you'll know what I mean). Apparently hardware stores are now selling out on it's most common items such as duct tape, and rope to appease this curious crowd of horny houswives. How 'bout THAT for a reality show? We have the "O.C Housewives", Atlanta, NYC, etc. How about the "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY HOUSEWIVES"? We'd see husbands coming home from work and before they know it, they'd have a gagball shoved into their mouths, and be hanging upside down wearing a collar, and a cock ring. I for one have absolutely nothing against the wonderful world of S&M. I have done more than my share of partaking. Nothing wrong with a little consensual pleasure & pain between two (or more) partners to spice things up. My biggest concern for these novices would be that they don't know what they are doing and accidently REALLY hurt themselves (and not in a good way). I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing people making trips to the E.R for things like missing testicles, or candlewax stuck in an anus.
I can see why people say it's unrealistic. The main things that really pull on my nipple clamps in a bad way is one, how extremely annoyingly control freak Christian Grey is. I mean, really? That shit gets old real quick. No matter how much money you have. You don't tell a woman what to eat cuz you know she will cut a bitch. And two, for a VIRGIN she doesn't seem very virginly. "Oh my, he made me cum like 100 times, and I am a certified expert at giving head the VERY first time!" AS IF. (Okay, so she didn't really say that in the book, but you get the idea.) I mean seriously, only LESBIANS are that good with women, lol. J/k. (not really kidding).
I feel so dirty after O.D'ing in so much hetero nookie reading. I've decided I need a break from it by diving into some good Lesbian erotica. Time for some good girl on girl action. Then I will feel normal again.
As far as the book goes, it is entertaining in it's own ways. Personally, I find it quite amusing, and cute. Such a novelty. I can see the appeal. Quite frankly I'm downright jealous and kicking myself in the ass that I didn't come up with this trilogy myself. Maybe I can think of a Lesbian version that can go mainstream. "If you liked 50 Shades of Grey, you'll LOVE 50 Shades of LAVENDER!" Or something like that. Oh well. One can dream, right?