Gay Marriage - Ramblings from the Sarcastic

After years of listening to the gay marriage debate, I agree with the conservatives; gay couples should not get married. I too, feel that it would rock the foundation of marriage.
Imagine how threatening a gay couple living next door to a heterosexual couple would be? Those men managed to earn a living; participate in cultured and civic life; and still find the time to do the dishes, fix the sink, prepare an exceptional dry martini, reupholster the furniture, and redecorate the entire house on a yearly basis. As for lesbians, think about what the shared housework, shared child raising and equal financial contribution would spark in all of those desperate suburban housewives? How could the heterosexual male compete? Soon, the inability to meet the same expectations would cause the marriage to crumble and divorce rates to skyrocket well beyond the already existing 50% divorce rate!

Think about all of the single parent households that would produce and God knows it takes both a male and a female to raise a child properly.
Speaking of children, gay couples cannot naturally produce a child, especially not as well as a cracked out, drug addicted, 19 year old who abandons her baby in the nearest dumpster. It truly takes a strict, bible thumping child of God to do that. Also, don’t get me started on all of those unnatural in-vitro fertilizations! Consummating into a cup and inserting such unnatural phallic instruments into a vagina by the adulterous hands of a doctor are clearly going against the bible! On a side note, Heterosexual couples who do not produce a child within the first 9 months of marriage should probably perish as well. After all, marriage is for procreation only.

As you see, these are a few of the many reason that Gay couples should not get married, as it clearly would crumble the foundation of marriage as we have had it since the dawning of Christ. Two women who have been together for over 30 years, been faithful, shared memories, dreams, had children, loved them more than life itself, and devoted every piece of their lives to one another, are simply not as stable and sturdy as the Products of Shotgun, Mail-order and Vegas Drive through weddings. Clearly, anything other than the already existing heterosexual marriages would cause the republic to fall.

1 comment:

FatLester said...

As a heterosexual male, I must first complement the authors of this blog for their exceptional writing abilities. I've been trying to leave your blog and get back to work for an hour and a half. For such a niche subject-matter, as someone who is clearly not a part of your intended audience, I've found your blog both entertaining and enlightening - to the point of it costing me productivity.

Getting to my points, in addition to being heterosexual and male, I am also Christian (Catholic, to be specific) and view myself as something of a conservative.

The brand of conservatism that I have long subscribed to, however, still values individual liberty and freedom-from-government as two of its main tenets. I have never understood the selective application of these principles by some self-proclaimed conservatives.

Furthermore, as a Catholic and Christian, it baffles me as to why some of my faith have such trouble wrapping their minds around the idea that God made gay people too. It seems silly to me to question the competence of an entity whom we believe was the sole genius that single-handedly engineered the universe. Is it really such a stretch for a Christian to love and accept all of God's creations including gays? I don't think it is.

Personally, I don't feel it's my place to question the judgment of the universe's creator. Live and let live for God's sake!

Keep up the great work! Unfortunately for my attempts at work, you all may just have made a regular reader out of me, and I'll be looking forward to seeing more of your headlines at Mixx!