Need Advice, Ask a Queer: First Girlfriend Query

So, I have been dating a woman for about 2 yrs. I am 33 and this is the first woman I have ever dated. She is 40 and she has been out for awhile. Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship. Lately though I have been having doubts. I thought it was b/c she was a woman and that was so different for me (and part of it might be) but now I wonder if it’s b/c looks weren’t a priority at first. I mean, I think she is cute and am attracted to her, physically our relationship is awesome. But I have wondered if I am settling b/c she may not be what I would have ideally been attracted to had I been interested in girls before. I have been thinking more and more that maybe I am attracted to girls in general and it wasn't just this one?! So there is a part of me that is curious to explore this world but there is also a part of me that is afraid to lose what I have. I am at a point in my life where I want to settle down, I want a family and my gf does too. Plus, I have heard (and have seen) about so much drama in the lesbian community and craziness etc. So getting into that does not interest me especially if it means giving up something so good to test it out. Also, I wonder if the first time you date a woman, do u usually stay w that one or b/c it’s such a change does it take some time to settle into etc?! Maybe that seems like a dumb question but those are things I have thought about. Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

Dear Questioning,

It sounds like, despite your concerns, you have a wonderful relationship going on.  In my experience, most women don't stay with the first girl they have ever dated but that also tends to be because most women are very young when they meet their first girlfriend. I was young when I met my first girlfriend and was very immature.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, so naturally the relationship didn't last because we both still needed to do a lot of growing and exploring.  

I feel like your situation is a little different because you have discovered your sexuality at an older age, and despite having just come out, you are pretty self-assured person and have a strong sense of what you want in life.  In regards to your relationship, you said in your letter, "Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship." I can tell you that most people spend years looking for these kind of qualities in a relationship, whether it be gay or straight.  Now, you are having doubts, and that is completely normal.  Your concern is that looks weren't a priority at first. You have to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of life and relationships, how important can looks really be?  You, yourself,  stated that you have a strong connection with this woman.  Beauty is on the inside and it sounds like you have found a beautiful person.  

It is hard to give advice in this situation because on one hand, you have have this wonderfully symbiotic partnership with someone who you adore but on the other hand, you have never dated other women and there is a strong, innate curiosity to explore the newness of that.  You are older so you want to settle down, but you are "new" to the gay community.  Here is my advice to you - doubts in your relationship or not, it is most important to be honest with your partner.  If you haven't considered talking to her about what you are feeling right now, even in your state of confusion, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her.  She is older, mature and has most likely been in a similar state of mind at some point in her life. Talk about where you are in your relationship, and ultimately what you both want.  If you feel like your inability to explore is making you unhappy, than you need to address that.  If you feel that you are truly happy with this woman and just having minor doubts, then let her know as well.  Be positive about it and come at from a loving, respectful place. 

Just remember, whether you are gay or straight, finding a truly wonderful connection/attraction to someone is rare.  Being able to see a future with someone is also rare and sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side.  If you break away to explore other women, you might find yourself ultimately coming up disappointed.  Weigh your options, be open, be honest (to your partner and yourself) and follow your heart.  If you do these things, you can and will find the happiness you want and deserve. 

Best of luck to you in love and life!

Renee

Editor-in-Chief

Keep the Spice Alive in Your Long Term Lesbian Relationship

By Rebecca Jones

In a lesbian relationship, it becomes more important to keep the intimacy, going, to make the relationship a successful one. A woman will always feel wanted in a lesbian relationship. They are always looking for comfort, security, and intimacy in a relationship. You will always know what your partner likes to hear. So tell her something that will make her feel special during and after the act. Always remind here that she means a lot to you and how much you love her. Every woman loves to hear this and she will really appreciate it. The relationship and the bond between the two will only grow stronger day by day.

Buy Some Clothes for Her

Buy clothes that will bring out the best in her. You must compliment on her looks and express your feelings. Say all the beautiful things that you can and tell her how much beautiful she looks. When you are in a lesbian relationship, you must be honest with your partner in all aspects. Do not be intimate with her just for the sake of it. Be genuine in your comments.


Get Flowers

To spice up the intimate relationship; how about decorating the bedroom with rose petals all over the place. Almost 90% of the women in a lesbian relationship love roses. Roses have a unique quality to make the woman feel special in every way. There is no hard and fast rule to buy red roses only. You can even buy white roses if you think that it will suit her better. To make it more adventurous you can actually buy both types of roses.


Lesbian Sex Manuals

Sex is purely skill based and it is not a bad idea to have a little bit of education in this field. If you feel that even roses and new clothes are not doing the trick in your relationship, there is no reason to feel despondent. Nowadays, there are great lesbian sex books that will help you and your lover learn the way the body functions. You will also get to know about different sexual techniques and the myriad ways in which you can turn yourself and your partner on.


Complement her Body

Every woman in a lesbian relationship yearns for some positive comments about her body. She will be pleased to know that there are no imperfections in her body. Do not lie to here. Just say what you like about her body truthfully and express how you feel about certain other things. No wonder, this will boost her self-esteem by a few notches.

You must encourage yourself and your woman to spice up the intimacy in your life. Always make suggestions to each other. Maybe she wants long passionate kisses or a different toy; so be open to what she says and thinks.



About the author: Rebecca is a blogger by profession. She is fond of Plus Size Winter Coats. These days she is busy in writing an article on Ivory Wedding Shoes.

Christine's Answers from the Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today's question comes from a woman who isn't sure how to define her sexuality.

Dear Christine,
I'm bi-sexual at the moment and I am not sure if I am a lesbian. I have dated guys for a about 6 years. Since I've come out about being bi, I realize that
I am only physically attracted to guys. Any time I have a relationship, I end up
avoiding a kiss or anything sexual because It just doesn't feel right. I am wondering
if that meant that I was a lesbian or not. Its really confusing, I hope you can help.

Waiting for Ladies

Dear Waiting for Ladies,

You've dated men already, you know you're not that interested in them sexually right now. You've just recently admitted to being attracted to women but it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring that yet. I'm interested in why you are concerning yourself with men right now when it seems like the perfect time to be embracing your sexual experience with women. I imagine that you have been harboring sexual attraction to women for ages and now that you have come out about it, experiences with women are what you are craving. If I had waited six years to start sleeping with women, I wouldn't feel very turned on by sleeping with another man right now either. It seems the next logical step to start sleeping with women. Satisfy that experience for yourself rather than growing to resent yourself and the men who you hook up with for not being what you really want.

Wanting to sleep with only women at this point in your life does not exclusively define your sexuality. Sexuality is a fluid thing, an ever changing part of one's identity. You do not need to accept any standard of defining sexuality that says you must pick one sex over the other for the rest of your life. You may date who ever you want whenever you want. The best thing you can do is find healthy relationships for yourself. As you grow in your life, you will need different things at different times. So be nice enough to yourself to find the right relationship for yourself regardless of sex and with out regard to labels.

All my best,
Christine

Christine's Answers from the Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Dear Christine,

I'm 20 and in my first year of University I was in a relationship with a girl for a little over a year. We became close friends at first, then began to date. It was all very secret, even though I was staying over every night. We were both always a little confused about how it happened, but we were so happy together. We never expected to develop such deep feelings for each other but we knew it had to end sometime because we couldn't live a 'regular life' if we were out. After she graduated and began her career, we could not maintain our secretive relationship together. She was very scared of her feelings towards our relationship but she was not willing to give up the idea of life she had in her head, with a husband and kids.

We broke up and a couple months later she started to date someone from work. While she was dating this man, who was about 20yrs older than her, she would constantly tell me she loved me and didn't want to lose me from her life. I waited for a year. While she was dating her co-worker, she and I hooked up about 3 or 4 times. She would always tell me she missed me and how hard the situation was for her.

They dated for a year, then a week or so ago she broke up with her boyfriend. She also recently bought a condo very close to my house.

When we were broken up I needed to talk to someone about it all. Only a handful of people know, but it does make me feel good to reach out to them about how I feel about her, and how I wish she could see it's okay for us to be together. They all say how ridiculous she is about pretending like no one has any idea, even though I've told her how everyone knows.

With her single should I just wait it out and see what she does? Were very close already so I don't know to take her inviting me over as a flirting thing or just a friend thing... although she does do certain things friends don't do, like hold me all night.

Any advice will help,
Love Goggles

Dear Love Goggles,

My friend, I've seen this one too many times and I hate to be the one to tell you that this girl is not about to come out of the closet for you or anybody else. If secrecy is this important to her, she will never give up all the perks of heterosexual privilege in order to have a fully functioning relationship with another woman. Some people are more concerned with the approval of others then they are with being their true selves. Society rewards us at every turn for 'being' heterosexual. It's very difficult for some to accept living without all that acceptance, no matter how conditional it is in the first place.

It sounds like you two are really in love and I'm sure you have an amazing bond. However, I don't think this girl will ever be able to be a supportive partner to you if she is this consumed with staying in the closet. It's obvious that you are the person she wants to be with and the fact that she is so resistant to her feelings about you is clear indication that she's nowhere near ready to come out.

If a husband and kids is what she thinks she needs, then that's what she's going to get. Of course, she is very conflicted and very much wants the benefits of the love and support you give to her despite that she's not being ready to be in a romantic relationship with you. You need to decide if you can continue to be her friend without having the relationship you want from her. It doesn't sound like you will be getting what you need from her in a friend if you stick around. It seems to me like she has shown you that she isn't in a place where she can respect you emotionally. To me, that seems like grounds to step away from the friendship in order to protect yourself from getting hurt by her anymore. I'm sure there is an LGBT activism or activities group on your university campus that you could join in order to broaden your circle of friends and meet more people who are comfortable being out. Perhaps the best thing you can do for the both of you is to lead by example of how positive it is to be open and honest as an out person!

Christine's Answers From The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today’s Letter comes from a confused 23-year-old undergrad who has a serious thing for her professor and thinks the professor may feel the same…

But also worries she maybe just a diversion ...

She asked Christine just what she thinks she should do about it....

Dear Christine,
I am a 23 year old college student and I am in a pickle, so to speak. For a year now, I have had these strange feelings about my former professor, who is 38. At first, I thought it was because she was so different from anyone I had met previously, and I wanted to get to know her. I worked for her in the office, would often babysit her children (she is married) or go to her place for a little "mature conversation". We attended a conference together this year. I was getting really strange vibes from her. She often found ways to bring up the topic of lesbianism, and touch me. One night, I even woke up to see her standing over my bed. I freaked out and started yelling at her. She was always telling me to end it with my boyfriend and expressing her unhappiness in her marriage. I finally got the nerve to confront her about how I feel. She was very understanding, even when I expressed it may be more than a "girl crush." We still talk as usual, but it seems she never addresses the issue, or I always feel that it's a bad time to bring it up. She often expresses the desire to see me, and even invited me out of the country with her, but I am afraid of the awkwardness, or what I would be getting myself into.
Help!
Confused in College

Dear Confused in College,
It sounds like you both fell for each other which is completely okay.

Having feelings for a woman is not something you should be giving yourself a hard time over.

We grow up in a heterosexual society that rewards us for following its rules and norms. This makes it scary to step outside of those heterosexual ways of being. When I went to my first high school dance with a boy, my mom threw a dinner party, drove to two different malls in search of the perfect dress and shoes, and took an entire roll of photos of me and said boy, which she still likes to pull out from time to time. Later in high school when my parents figured out that I was sleeping with my best female friend, a person they'd known and loved for years, they threatened to send me to church camp in order to get the gay out with god. Our experiences teach us how important acting heterosexual is in order to be accepted by our families and communities. The good news is that when you yourself begin to appreciate that it's okay for you not to be heterosexual, others begin to follow suit. Working with a counselor really helped me to challenge deeply held negative ideas I had about being gay. This made me confident to challenge the negative ideas of others in day to day life. It might be important to start talking to a counselor at either your local gay and lesbian resource center or your college mental health center. Both should offer low or no cost services.

I'm even more concerned you speak about your sexuality with someone besides your professor. I'm confident in saying she knows exactly what your feelings of attraction are to her. Rather than being supportive of you or even open about her feelings for you, she is using your interest as a distraction from her own personal problems.
While having feelings for another woman outside of a marriage is more than understandable, manipulating you in to lying and cheating with her is not. It sounds like your professor has a lot of personal work to do before she could ever be ready to engage in an open supportive conversation about your feelings. I would love to see you find a therapist, some friends, maybe a student support group where you can talk about your feelings.

You need to let your relationship with your professor go so she can stop abusing your attention and affection.

Christine's Answers From The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today Christine answers a letter that comes from women who has been in a 2-year, emotionally abusive relationship wondering if it is time to draw a line with her lover and just how she should go about doing that….

Dear Christine,

Where do you draw the line between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one? Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I have been with a girl for 2 years. She wasn't my first girlfriend but she was the first girl I slept with, the first girl I lasted longer than a few months with, the first girl I actually planned a future together with.

Over those 2 years, we broke up about twenty times. Whenever we fight, she never lets me finish a sentence. She would call me two-faced and hypocritical beyond reason and when I try to explain or argue calmly, she calls me defensive and justifying of my actions, urging me to admit my wrongs. She gets angry when I cry, saying that I make her feel guilty. She doesn't touch me She says I victimize myself and I always end up apologizing and begging for her to stop hurting me.

After these fights, she always comes back to me. She is sweet and apologetic, she plans a dinner or brings me flowers. She would touch me and hold me and kiss me. She would do everything I wished she'd done before and I'd really feel the love.

She gave me an ultimatum between my family and her and I chose my family. We have not been talking since.
She is a very jealous person. I have realized how much I had neglected my friends because of the fact that she acts upset when I spend spare time with anyone else but her.

I have changed the way I dress. I used to be very careless and messy but as she would stop talking to me when she notices that I am careless or messy. One moment she will be all over me and holding my hand and talking to me happily - the other she would be ignoring me and talking to her friends.

She says that if we stay broken up, she does not want to be my friend. She rang yesterday, saying that she still had feelings for me, and I know that I do as well. Logically, I know that in many ways we are incompatible. But in my heart, I hope that if I try hard enough, if I try harder, maybe I can make this work. Or should I say goodbye to this relationship? I feel as though I could never care for someone more than I cared for her, I fear that I would look for her in every other woman I might meet.

Help,
On the Edge

Dear On the Edge,

In his book, "The Road Less Traveled," psychiatrist M. Scott Peck defines love as; "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or an other's spiritual growth." With this definition in mind, its hard to conceive that someone who is so emotionally abusive can also claim to love you at the same time. This woman, despite caring about you I'm sure, is emotionally abusing you, no question, and it's is a very confusing and stressful situation to be in.

I've been in your position before so I know how hard it is to confuse what feels like loving attention with controlling tactics. For me it was important to understand that all the endless arguments, the hot and cold behavior and the constant criticism, had nothing to do with me but were my partner's problems and that there was nothing I could do to change the relationship, no matter how hard I tried.

It sounds like your partner has experienced a lot of pain in her life that she is having a hard time processing. It sounds like she needs a lot of attention, a lot of reassurance and a lot of control over things in order to make her feel secure. It also sounds like she is seeking all these things in her interaction with you. She needs you to dress and act in the ways that she thinks make you look like a presentable partner for her. She needs you to ignore your own social and family life in order to be available at her whim. She needs you to stop expressing your true thoughts and feelings so she can believe that how she treats you isn't hurtful or abusive. When she doesn't let you finish your thoughts, when she insists you are victimizing yourself when you cry and when she is so quick to criticize and call you a hypocrite, she is avoiding changing her own behavior or facing her own pain and taking it out on you.

It is so difficult to let go of our first relationships. The first women we fall for often come to define our sexuality and it's a pivotal relationship in our lives. Let this girl be the one who you began to explore your sexuality with and more importantly, let her be the one who began to teach you that you deserve to be loved and loved truly. But first, you'll have to let her go so you can heal the wounds she's inflicted and get on to bigger and truer love.

Christine

Christine's Answers From The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Todays letter comes from a married 50 year old mother of three who finds she is attracted to other women and is in a dilemma about what to do....

Dear Christine,

I'm 50 and just coming out- my husband was the first person I told.

We've been married 20 yrs and have 3 kids together, ages 20, 17 and 13. I have not told them yet. My husband told me he has always wondered if I might be gay and in fact has tried to gently bring the subject up many times in the past years, but I would always adamantly deny any interest in women.

But lately, things seem different and I think as my kids are getting older and I have more time for myself, I am realizing that something big has been missing in my life.

I have had one relationship with a woman before I met my husband and I've never had the same emotional or physical intensity with him as I did with her.

I have found myself fantasizing more about women and feel like I've let my guard down around being really turned on physically when I see a woman I'm attracted to.

My dilemma is that my husband is a wonderful man, a great father and I can't imagine leaving him alone to pursue this lifestyle even though he is encouraging me to do whatever I need to to be fulfilled.

Help!

Very Troubled.

Dear Very Troubled,

I'm glad to hear that you are willing to be honest with yourself and your partner about what would make you more whole in your lifetime. It sounds like you have a wonderful environment in which to explore this new part of yourself. It sounds like you've been blessed through out the years with a beautiful family to share in and support and it sounds like it's absolutely time for you to create space to be this part of your sexual and emotional self.

The fact that you are concerned about stepping away from your role as a wife and mother is not surprising. It's a significant change in any woman's life as inevitably her children grow up and gradually separate themselves. It's a shock as well when after many years together, married partners shift and grow as individuals, eventually needing to look outside the relationship to continue their own individual paths. These occurrences are not limited to a person coming out later in life. If we all payed more attention, we would all find adjustments, large and small, that ask to be made in order to evolve individually.

In this case, the stakes seem high as exploring this path essentially means ending your marriage. However, what is exciting is that you have everything to gain by committing to this path. As you pointed out, the emotional and physical connection you experienced with one woman was greater that which you've shared with your husband over twenty years. It sounds like you have a supporting and loving friend in the man your married to and it's time for you to let him be just that. Learning to redefine your roles to each other as such will open up room in your life to find the earth shattering, consciousness shifting, heart stopping romance that you have been waiting for all this time.

Perhaps it would be helpful during this transition process to be talking to a therapist in order to have a safe space to express the fears and anxieties that will naturally come up. Contact your communities local gay and lesbian center for referrals to LGBT friendly mental health practitioners.

It is a challenging thing, to make room for yourself to be alone in the world long enough to find what you really need. But when one acts to honor themselves, it can only be met with blessings!

Christine

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered

Today letter comes from a Sister who in a relationship with a married woman, wondering if it is not just time to break it off.....

Dear BOOK,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now and it is very serious. When we first met we were just friends and shared a few sexual encounters because she was and is still married. Her marriage is convenient because he is very good about taking care of the household and she can live very comfortable because he makes very good money. They tried on numerous occasions to be exclusively married but have gone astray on both parts. She has never stopped seeing me and he has had his side pieces. Moving forward she and I have spoken about living together, getting married all the good things associated with a committed relationship. We have tried to break up and let her deal with her marriage but can't for some reason. It is not the sex, if that is what you think because we don't have it that much. (We both have small children). It is an emotional and mental connection that has created this mess of a love triangle. A lot of the problems in her marriage may be because the husband may have some sort of depression which causes him to be more of a tyrant than a husband. The problem now is he is on medication for his depression and he is like a different person. I feel as though I am losing her to him because he is the complete opposite of what he used to be and she finds that very appealing now. How can I truly compete with him? I know she loves me but ideally she will probably stay with him. Should I just break it off completely before I lose my mind from jealousy?

Thanks,
Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady in Waiting,

You are calling a married woman your "girlfriend"? I understand that you've been involved for a long time but at no point ever can a married woman fulfill the responsibilities of being another persons girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means being honest and available beyond one's own convenience. It means being a support system and a cheerleader. It means sharing in each other's joys and each other's sorrows. If this woman is married to a man with whom she has a family, there is no chance she has the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be these things to you. You are not being treated like a girlfriend. You are getting the short end of the stick here.

Yes, you should absolutely break it off completely. Right now. Forever-ever. After three years, you have every indication that she will never choose your relationship over the comfort of her marriage. Right now, she's getting everything she needs. She's got a docile husband hopped up on zombie meds to take care of her financially and she's got you to run to for all the emotional support and coddling she needs. Not to mention, she's getting laid more than both you or her husband. Basically, she's never gonna call this off, it's too sweet a deal for her. But she's never gonna do right by you.

YOU have to make the hard decision here. Again, she's making you do the work. Do yourself the favor this time and go find yourself someone who wants to be a real partner to you. I know it sucks to end it with someone you love. But sitting through that pain to make room for someone who loves you back the right way is going to pay off big.

The book is closed!

Dating Advice From Mr Leigh

It has recently come to my attention that many hot and sexy lesbian ladies remain single and without prospects.I'm not sure exactly how this happens, since I am a serial-dater, but I have so many friends and acquaintances that seem so amazing, yet are still in search of love.

Some even have a check list...

Shaggy-Shane hair do? Check!

Nice Car? Check!

Good Job? Check!

Great personality? Check!

Still no late night bootie calls.

No afternoon delights or breakfast lovin'.

In order to form a more perfect union, I have compiled a list of things that might help in the quest for love. Don't be afraid to try one or all of them.


How to Find Her

I don't know about you guys, but I'm not interested in finding my baby mama in a bar.Try something unconventional like a strap-on workshop at the local sex shop.

A LGBT wine group or book club might be a few more avenues to meet local ladies.

Any one who is afraid to find love online is living in the dark ages.

Try www.okaycupid.com its free and I've known a few people who have had some great success with this site.


Now What?

Once you've found a girl that you think might be a potential date, ASK HER OUT.

The first date typically is your one chance to impress her so something OUT of the ordinary.

The following are first date No-Nos.

Catching a Movie

This is terrible and instead of sitting quietly in the dark you should be getting to know each other.

Family/Friends

As nice as it would be to have the support around, involving your people in a first date scenario is not sexy. Plus, imagine the pressure for your date to not only impress you, but you're people all on the first meeting.

She's allergic to peanuts and you took her to the Skippy Factory

Don't be afraid to ask her what kind of food she likes/dislikes and if she's been meaning to do something special like the latest art gallery showing or heading out to a new bar/restaurant.

Try http://www.yelp.com/ for good first date suggestions in your local area.

My strongest suggestion for a first dates is something interactive.

Think Color Me Mine or miniature golf. Museums and concerts are always great choices too.

For the ladies on a budget, pack a picnic and some board games and head to a quiet park or beach setting.

When To Call Her Again

Who ever decided to wait 3 days before calling someone was an idiot.

This technique is a game and if you're going to start playing games after the first date then you have other reasons as to why you're not getting laid. If you like a girl, you should tell her.

9 times out of 10 she will be flattered and it will increase your chances for the 2nd date.

Don't Over Do It

While it's important to be attentive and thoughtful, don't pick up your date in a U-Haul.Avoid the X conversation (don't mention your lousy relationships unless she asks) and keep your dreams of your wedding being featured on LOGO to yourself.

A hint of mystery is always sexy, but don't be completely aloof either. Remember, balance is key, my. If all goes well on the first date; Shampoo, Rinse and Repeat.

Creativity and thoughtfulness goes along way ladies. Don't forget that.

If you find a great girl, tell her about it and treat her like it every chance you get.

Oh yeah and if you end up finding a great catch, you can thank me by making her call you Annie the next time you shag.

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered

Dear Book,
I am 33 ...married to a 42 year old man that I have been with for 11 years...We have a 4 year old son.

8 months ago I became quick friends with an English women also 33 years old and her 2 kids. They moved in with my family as they needed a place to stay. After about 2 months of them living with us I started to find her attractive and fascinating. I kept questioning where these feelings where coming from as I have never even so much as kissed a women before. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I wrote her a letter. I told her that I could wait in her company for years waiting for her to be ready and if she was never ready I would go to my grave completely satisfied in the knowledge that I loved her deeply as my friend. We didn't get to talk about the letter until the next day. She said, "So really? Seriously?" And I said, "Yes really." She said, "Well why don't we try you putting your hand here on my stomach that's a safe place." So I put my arm over her and started lightly stroking her side. I could feel her react with little trembles. She caressed my hair and kissed me. Then out of nowhere she said I can't do this I can't sacrifice our friendship.I asked her not to leave but she said if she didn't that something physical would happen. She didn't come back for 4 day's. When she did come back, she said,"I can't handle this right now." I just don't know what to do with these raw feelings I'm having. It is hard for me to be around her because I want her. If we had just talked about it and she would have said I really only like men or no I'm not attracted to you or even I would want you to leave your husband first, then I could have been alright. I would have patched myself up and kept on with life. She will not talk to me about this all. What should I do? I'm going out of my mind and having to hide it from my husband and her! It is getting in the way of my work, my sex life with my husband etc. I don't feel guilty about it at all. I think life is to short for things like that. And this isn't a normal situation I have never felt so completely enraptured with a person male or female before it actually feels like I'm cheating by having sex with my husband! HELP!

Sincerely

Missing my Friend

Dear Missing my Friend,

You've fallen for your best friend completely. It is a rarely discussed common occurrence that woman fall in love with their best friends. Sometimes it becomes physical. Often times, we downplay the intense emotional and physical feelings we have for our female friends as they are simply not prioritized or validated within the dominate heterosexual society we all inhabit. A lot women are just not comfortable expressing themselves sexually with other women. They identify as 'heterosexual' despite having intense emotional intimate relationships with women. Although a little booze will go a long way in mysteriously altering their sexual preference for the evening. This is where we get the term, 'Six Pack Lesbian'...a few beers in and homegirl's singin, 'What's your man got to do with me?"
The thing is your friend loves you too but she's not going to let it be expressed in a sexual and overtly romantic way. It sounds like she has done the responsible thing by not taking your physical interactions to a place that would be horribly intense and confusing for the both of you. I am hoping that I am right to infer that she is afraid of taking you away from your family, your son specifically. She also might be afraid that sleeping with you will compromise your friendship. It seems like she needs you more as friend who gives her support.
Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to start this relationship with you are irrelevant. You aren't going to to get a clear cut explanation from her. But like you said, if you knew it wasn't going to work out, you would pick yourself up and move on. Well, she's given you every indication that it's not right for her, so you need to let her, let it go.
As is always the case with the ending of intimate relationships, you have to separate her from your life in order to move past her. Now that she is aware of how you feel about her, she might begin to take advantage of the fact and become quite demanding and dependent. Don't accept her dependance on you for as an excuse for a loving and balanced partnership.The lesson here is that just because you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean they make a good partner for you.
Right now, you need her out of your space so you can figure out your family life. You need to look at how your feel about your husband. I'm not even going to suggest you to go find another woman to be with. Just because you fell in love with one doesn't mean you can only be with women. What you need to do now is think about making your life a safe place for your son! He needs a home and a mother and parents that can respect each other.

The book is closed.

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered.

Dear, The BOOK,

okay, so the first time i noticed i was attracted to a girl was in high school when i was 16 and in year 11. she was in my year and we both were sharing a locker with a mutual friend who had actually been a friend of my sisters but we ended up bonding over a love of buffy the vampire slayer. we ended up having a free period together and would spend all that time talking and laughing and not studying. eventually she became my best friend and i moved to sit with her and her other friends.

this girl...she was gorgeous. i don't really know when i first thought of myself as attracted to her. i guess general admiration became something more. but i still don't know if i thought i liked her because i was misconstruing my want to be her to a want to have her. i ended up being able to kiss her one night, we were at a party, we were drunk and all the girls were going through that stage of kissing each other to get guys attention. someone said to the friend i was crushing on that we should kiss. something must have shown on my face because she said we didn't have to, but i just laughed it off and said i didn't care. so we kissed, kinda chaste, a little tongue and then she pulled back. i don't know about her but i was exhilerated! it was here that i really, really started questioning myself.

in year 12 i ended up getting my first boyfriend. he was really sweet, and SO HOT! and i was really, really attracted to him. we kissed, did some touching, but i was too scared to take it further. i broke up with him a couple of months out of high school because we didn't really have time together.

a year or so after school i started a new job working in a coffee shop (i had worked at mcdonalds for two years). turned out a friend of mitch's worked there who just happened to be gay. we struck up a friendship and he was the first person i admitted out loud to maybe being not so straight. soon i had a small circle of gay friends who i felt very comfortable being around.

so i knew i was attracted to guys, i am attracted to guys, but i also seem to be attracted to girls. not all girls but sometimes a girl will walk past me and i'll notice her just a little bit longer than necessary. i've basically admitted to myself that i'm bisexual, but how do i know if i've never had an experience with a girl (although i'm still a virgin on the guy front as well). i try to watch as much gay tv and movies as i can, i love south of nowhere, watched the willow/tara thing with rabid interest, ordered the l word off the internet, search out femslash fanfiction, and find myself lusting after celebrities like angelina jolie, eliza dushku, lena heady, elisha cuthbert, just to name a few, but also johnny depp, emile hirsch, david beckham and gerard butler.

my friends are very very understanding of our gay friends, but i don't know if they'd feel the same way about lesbians. they have in the past made comments like eew lesbian and i don't know. and i have NO idea how my family would take it, but my aunty did say she understood gays and lesbians but that bisexuals were wrong. i don't know if you can give me any advice but it feels good to vent and go through my feelings.

Thank You,
Femme Fatale


Dear Femme Fatale,

First I'd like to say well done for being honest with yourself about what you want. It sounds like you've had a lot of the all important experiences people face learning about their sexuality during their teen years. It also sounds like you are ready to explore what your sexuality means to you now, as an adult.

To address your concerns, I'm going to reference what I call "The Book" or "The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules". Coming out at a young age myself, I've managed to accrue a rather scary amount of knowledge and insight regarding the behaviors and lifestyles of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, and questioning, ie queer people. This book has all the rules, regulations, standards and practices that one needs to know in order to conduct one's homo business. I'm very excited to begin sharing the sacred text of the book with my fellow queers, so here goes!

So what do we know? We know you've had experiences with men and that you enjoyed them enough. We also know that in high school you experienced an intense emotional and physical attraction to another girl. That to me sounds like enough evidence to conclude that you would enjoy being with a woman now. I'd say it's worth investigating!

I'm excited to hear you've found gay male friends to hang out with. This was how I got my gay ol' start as well and it seems pretty standard across the board due to the reality that men generally come out earlier than women. Now that you've got your 'gays', you best use them to your advantage. It's time to go get out their and meet some women. Take your boys to your local gay bar, even small cities have a few! It sounds like you are pretty starved for lesbian culture and might really enjoy sharing your passion for the shows and other lesbian themed things you like with other women who are into them as well.

I think the most important thing is that you seek out other women to bond with over your common interests. The thought of jumping into the lesbian dating pool can be quite overwhelming so remember that you get to take your time. Friends first, dates second. And do not forget that associating with other women who are attracted to women does not mean you have to commit to only ever dating women. All of our sexualities are fluid and we all need different things at different times. Labels like "gay", "lesbian" and "bisexual" end up being too exclusive for many of us. The point is to love who you love when you love them, despite what others think about who you should love. This is your very own personal journey towards finding out what you want and need in life!

What your friends and family needs to know is that being attracted to women is part of who you are and that it's going to be something you explore in your life. That's it. Defining your life and sexuality beyond such is futile at the age of 21. It sounds like you have a family that's worked hard to take car of you all your life so I have a feeling that, after the initial shock, they will learn to accept this part of your identity and continue loving you as they do. No matter how long it takes for them to understand and no matter how long it takes for you to feel completely comfortable with yourself, remember that you are worth taking care of as you are here now. Coming out to family and friends is always scary and you can never really be sure how long it will take to find acceptance but as the Dalai Lama says, "Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk."

I'm closing The Book! Take care!

On the Role of Lesbian Girl [space] Friends

There's a phrase I've heard over and over in the lesbian community, that seems to be the underlying reason for everything we do: "We're lesbians. It's complicated." Whether it be moving in together, sleeping with our exes, or the rampant gossip among our circles of friends, we lesbians seem to be rife with drama. There are times when I embrace this as merely a side-effect of massive amounts of estrogen, but lately I've been thinking that sometimes the drama overpowers common sense and reason.

Here's the thing that I think we forget: NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A POTENTIAL DATE. Read that line again.

As women, we are relational creatures, and need friends in our lives. Unfortunately, both our best friends and our most passionate lovers look very much the same. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, who find friends and lovers in opposite genders, we must decipher from body language and chemistry and feelings and attraction whether a woman we meet could be a partner or a pal.

I believe that many lesbian women fall into the trap of allowing the first option to be the default. They see everyone woman as a possibility, and if it doesn't work, well, then we could be friends. This is faulty logic. It can lead to damaged friendships (or potential friendships) and heartache when we try to have relationships that we've failed to evaluate. If they had waited a little longer, gone out a few more times, they would have realized that it wasn't going to work. But now someone's broken someone's heart, it will be awkward for a while when everyone hangs out. Purely hypothetical situation, of course.

I propose an alternative. I believe that the best model is to view every woman we meet as a potential friend. This way, we will take the time to get to know her and evaluate how she best fits in our lives. Also, we wouldn't have to deal with petty jealousies - we could have friendships with women we meet, even if they have girlfriends! I also think that it will open more people to friendships, because there wouldn't be that awkward she likes me, but I don't like her... does she think this is a date or are we just friends? Granted, that's also due to lack of communication in the lesbian dating process. But that's an article for another time.

The best result of this approach is that the relationship which due flourish will be that much stronger because they originated as friendships. I heard a quote a long time ago that I've used often but never properly attributed (because I don't know who originally said it), but it's become one of my favorites: "Love is friendship on fire." The best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship. Passion waxes and wanes, but the stability of the trust, respect, and love of a friendship will keep us strong through the hard times.

It can be hard to change our mentalities, especially when we're single. I would encourage each of us, though, to pay attention to our reactions when we meet new women. Do you scope them out and immediately rate them as a potential partner? I know I do sometimes. If you're like me, let's start thinking more about the friendships that we can develop with other lesbian women. As we develop a network of friends who truly care about us and love us, we will have a built-in support group that can help us through any storm life (and drama!) may bring us.

The Enlightened Dyke: On the Expectation of Failure

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read may cause discomfort for some. Please recall my first post, in which I explained that my philosophy as a Professor is to offer ideas for consideration, not absolute truth. Take my opinion, mull on it, ponder it, chew on it, and then come to your own conclusions.

As a general rule, we in the human population tend to believe in ourselves. When we attempt something, we expect that it will succeed. A runner who enters a marathon expects to finish the race. A theatre company expects to put on a great show. Even when we play the lottery, something inside us really thinks we'll win! I think it is wonderful, this confidence and optimism that we as a people group tend to have. What disappoints me, however, is that this trend does not extend into the one area where I believe it most needs to be: our relationships.

It seems to be a rare thing these days to see a couple who stays together. Even on our favorite television show, The L Word, there doesn't appear to be a single couple with a chance of making it! More importantly, in real life, our relationships aren't permanent. A year, two years, maybe even five - but then something happens: an affair, a big fight, lesbian bed death, or simply a desire for change, and then this relationship that has had time, money, emotions, and lives invested into it, is over. Those of you who have been through this know how difficult it is, and how scary it can be to start over and try again. The thing is, though, it seems like we typically expect relationships to fail. We go into relationships quickly, based on little more than possibility or opportunity. We know that it probably won't last, but don't really care.

Why is this bad, you may ask? What's the problem with enjoying relationships while they last and then moving on? Well, I just think it's hard on our hearts. We become jaded, hard-hearted, and less capable of being vulnerable and real with each other, which, in turn, hampers intimacy. And isn't that what a lover is? The one person with whom we are intimately tied, the one place where we are safe to be ourselves? Not only that, but staying with one person and one person only is good for you! It increases life expectancy and quality of life and a host of other things. You can read here and here and many other places I'm sure about the benefits of monogamy and long term commitment. Basically, it's good for your health and your emotional well-being, and it's good for families and communities. Ideally, in love, we are looking for a partner - someone to do life with. It requires time, growth, and work, which can be daunting, especially if we feel we must do it over and over again - but the reward is worth it.

I realize there is a bitter element to this discussion in that we as a people group are still denied the freedom to marry and make that lifelong commitment. However, I do believe things will be changing in the near political future, and I also think that it doesn't much matter what other people think - we can still choose to have the kind of relationships that are best for us. You know what else? It might even help the cause, if we can show that in spite of discrimination, we still value the idea of marriage, more so than the heterosexual community at times. A columnist by the name of William Saletan wrote an excellent article about gay covenant marriage - choosing the kind of life-long commitment that straight couples are failing to maintain every day. It's something worth considering.

You know, I have not always been a member of this fantastic community of lesbians. I was a card-carrying breeder for a large portion of my life. This gives me a unique insight into both groups of people, and I can tell you that this phenomenon plagues not just the lesbian community, but our entire generation. So many young couples approach romantic relationships with the idea that once it has served its purpose, or once it becomes difficult, then it is finished and it's time to give up. The goes for gay couples, straight couples, and everyone in between. It's funny - many outspoken conservatives and right-wingers like to blame homosexuality for the high divorce rate and the breakdown of the family. My thoughts? It's the expectation of failure.

When I wrote "our generation" in the above paragraph, I was referring largely to the under-40 age group. See, the curious discovery for me was the different viewpoint that many in the "wiser" generation have. I spoke to several older lesbians who informed me that they still expect relationships to last forever. One woman (who told me she had celebrated over twenty five 21st birthdays) said that she had been with her current partner for 5 years, and fully expected to spend the rest of her life with that woman. She confessed, though, that she felt the same about her previous partner, with whom she shared 13 years. It is even visible among the gay community. Just last weekend at church, we honored two men who were celebrating their 35 year anniversary.

So what happened between that generation and ours, that we've gone from "till death do us part" to something resembling "till we don't want to anymore"? Use divorce as a search query on Google and you will be inundated with theories on that; I have a few myself. Rather than dwell on the past, though, I think we should focus more on changing our expectations and our behaviors, so that we can begin to reverse the trend. We should support and encourage couples in our community. We should throw them showers when they have weddings or civil unions. We should honor their anniversaries and other milestones. We should have a little bit of faith in the strength of our hearts to endure difficult times and expect success in this are of our lives as well.

Lesbian Homo-scopes By Miss Clit-0

Life has its ups and downs and without the right guidance you can find yourself in an unfurnished apartment sitting on an old pizza box scraping your arms with a box cutter. Luckily life doesn’t have to be so drab!

Miss Clit-O a world un-famous pseudo astrologer is here to help! She has combed the lesbian cosmos to bring you the encouraging words you need just to get by.



Pisces- Feb 19th- March 20th You’ve been searching the cosmos for the answers your soul desperately needs. Instead of following in the footsteps of the Dali Lama why not pick up a James Brown CD or Jam out to some Aretha Franklin. Those mother fuckers really know soul. On the good foot bitches!

Aries March 21st - April 20th You’ve been so stressed out lately that your temper has been getting the better of you…Its time for you to take a chill pill. So throw on your favorite flannel, get out your coupon book and spend a little quality time with the one that you dominate. Life is way too short to write nasty letters to the Cheese Cake Factory home office because your fries were a little too salty.

Taurus April 21st - May 21st Taurus you’re known to be a little inflexible at times. This month you should start a yoga class. Maybe by June you’ll be a little more limber and you and your partner can master that backwards cowboy you’ve been working on. Giddy up!

Gemini May 22nd- June 21st Hey girls! I know you’ve been feeling a little restless lately and you’ve been dying to do something different. Instead of going off to Bali for a retreat to add a little pizzazz to the mundane just treat yourself to a little something that you and your woman can enjoy. I heard ball-gags are all the new rage! If you happen to have a video camera and some leather chaps you might just have all the new excitement that you need.

Cancer June 22nd- July 22nd With all those late nights watching forensic files you’ve been feeling less than secure these days. Why not utilize that Home Depot gift card your parents got you for Christmas and install a home security system. You’ll feel a bit safer while you cozy up with your favorite butch for that two hour court TV special on serial killers.

Leo July 23rd- August 23rd Hey my little lionesses! I know you’ve been dreaming about the day you get accosted by Gary Busey on the red carpet, but its just not your time. To satisfy those pipe dreams you should get with a gaggle of your girl friends and have a karaoke night out. You’ll be the Belle of the dyke bar as you bust out “Come to my Window” to starving Melissa Ethridge fans.

Virgo August 24th- September 22nd Hey Virgo, you’ve been a little tight with the man wallet lately. It’s not the end of the world to splurge on something frivolous. Miss Clit-o knows you’ve been drooling over that poster of Jackie Warner in the Curves locker room. It’ll be worth it for you to make the purchase. Just make sure you get a nice glass or plastic cover for it (paper tends to dissolve when you lick it).

Libra September 23rd- October 23rd Last month was a hard one and you’re feeling all out of sorts. Just remember everything happens for a reason and eventually things will balance out. Instead staying home and watching Fried Green Tomatoes over and over again hit the local watering hole and strike up a conversation with the nearest Drag Queen. They always have the best anecdotes that help make light of heavy situations.

Scorpio October 24th- November 22nd You’ve been so busy lately that even your vibrator is feeling the repercussions. You need to take your head out of the job and get it into something…else. It’ll do you good to put on that sexy black dress (or your favorite turtle neck.. whatever floats your boat)and go out and get crazy. It’s a shame to let your sexual prowess go to waste… and the scene is a little boring without a mysterious Scorpio on the prowl. Sagittarius

November 23rd- December 21st I know that your really excited because your new Encyclopedia Britannica came with a virtual DVD of the Solar system, but you’re really boring your girlfriend. It’s time for you to get your nose out of the books and begin exploring her universe. I bet she knows a place where you can find a three dimensional model of Orion’s Belt.

Capricorn December 22nd- January 20th You are a superstar! Not in that Mary Kathryn Gallagher sort of way; your kind of like the Angelina of you local dyke community. All that hard work has really paid off and you’re finally getting the recognition that you deserve. Its great to be able to take time to bask in the sunlight of your success but don’t be blinded by it. Put on a pair of shades so you can see what’s going on around you. Aquarius

January 21st-February 18th Hey! Why have you been so cranky lately? Did someone steal your Jon Benet Ramsey murder case trading cards? Don’t fret so much. Whatever you lost let it be lost and if you’re meant to have it, you will. Anyway, you’ll find something else that tickles your eccentricities in due time.

Through the Looking Glass: Personal Integrity

Personal Integrity, I never gave it much thought, as it is difficult enough to get by on my own, never mind worry about how I come across to others. Its quite liberating to say to one’s self “I don’t care what you think about me” and to go about life free of judgment, however there is a fine line between lifting social anxiety and smothering one’s self in egocentric selfishness. I have seen the path of “healing oneself” trample loved ones on the way, and I wonder how heightened spiritual awareness becomes an excuse for treating others as only by-products of one’s life. Quite often friends become secondary characters placed on the earth for the sole purpose of teaching the “enlightened” one lessons. Although freeing oneself from the personal drama that enslaves us does produce ample amounts of growth, it’s dangerously self centered and borderline narcissistic when “I” devalues “we”.



On the opposite end of the spectrum are the grace giving martyrs who place
universal love and devotion before personal well-being, giving forgiveness before understanding, all in the name of some supreme being. “We”becomes more valuable than “I” and quite often “I” is unable to survive by itself. However, it is a lot easier to place a codependent personality in the hands of mindless theology, where one is not responsible for facing any form of direct confrontation. “I forgive you so I don’t have to hold you accountable and while I give you mercy, I am at your mercy). Whenever I think of this dynamic I picture a small, frail person in a row boat, facing a storm but rather than row as fast as possible out of danger, he or she drops the oars to pray for safety.

Then there are those who have spent many of hours on a couch, and can recite psychological scripture forbade. Freud

unlocks the mysteries to one’s manipulative, unhealthy actions, and links the inner drive to childhood experiences. Somehow, an action occurring in the present doesn’t have to be owned, if a parent, teacher, or sibling bought it decades ago. Although psychology helps us understand the hows and whys of our own personal development, ownership for those actions must take place somewhere to complete the learning model. What we learn in a counseling session can teach us about ourselves, how we work and communicate with others, but those lesson are never an excuse for the patterns we are responsible for breaking now.

I believe that the reason personal integrity is so difficult to achieve is that it is the very phrase that holds us accountable for our own actions. How many times do we take ownership for our words, and actions? How many times do we truly feel like we have control over our feelings, emotions, thoughts and life? We as humans seek control every day in our relationships, during work, while driving, in phone conversations and yet the last person we try to control our ourselves. Ironically, if we were able to take responsibility for ourselves, our lives would almost instantly fall into place.


I would like to end this article with an excerpt from the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path to Enlightenment. It gives an outline of the steps needed in order to better personal integrity and in turn, better oneself.

1. Right View-Enhance one’s mind, explore ones world, gain wisdom
2. Right Intention- means resistance to the pull of desire, resistance to feelings of anger and aversion not to think or act cruelly, violently, or aggressively, and to develop compassion
3. Right Speech-not to tell deliberate lies, abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others, abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth, speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary
4. Right Action-Take responsibility for one’s actions, refrain from committing wrongdoings
5. Right Livelihood- Choose a profession that supports one’s spiritual path, choose a noble profession
6. Right Effort-Mental energy is the force behind right effort. The same type of energy that fuels, envy, aggression, and violence can on the other side fuel self-discipline, honesty, benevolence, and kindness. Make the effort to choose the latter.
7. Right Mindfulness-Get control of ones emotions. It is the mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness
8. Right Concentration- Controlling one’s own life through meditation and positive mindset.

For more articles like this, check out my blog Amethyst Discoveries

The Enlightened Dyke: Learning To Unlearn

Sometimes, the hardest part of learning is when the new ideas conflict with patterns of thought that have already been ingrained in our heads. For example, a child who grows up in a Middle Eastern culture could possibly be raised to believe that all Americans are evil. Should that child then grow up and come to America, he would likely find that what he was raised to believe does not not align with what he is now experiencing. A situation like this can be very uncomfortable, when our inner truths conflict with the reality around us. There are only two resolutions to this kind of problem: either I can reject the reality in favor of clinging to what I believe to be true, or I must be willing to accept the possibility that what I have known all my life may be wrong, and unlearn it.



I will say that the first option is the easiest. It's also the choice that most people make when faced with inconsistencies between their beliefs and their experiences. Unlearning deeply rooted beliefs can be very painful and difficult. It is the tendency of most people to stay on the easy road. In case you have yet to realize, though, the only reward of the easy road, is that it's easy.

One of the most frequent places I see this situation these days is within the religious community, with respect to the gay & lesbian community. I speak with authority from experience in this instance, because I grew up in the South, in a very religious family and community. My grandfather is a Methodist Reverend. I know what I'm talking about. People who are raised with conservative religious upbringings are very often taught that homosexuality is wrong, abnormal, and sinful behavior. It is "a choice" that one makes to go against the will of God. It is compared to murder, adultery, lying, fornication, and a host of other sins. These are all misunderstandings that have been taught for so long that they aren't even questioned anymore. However, they are not truth.

For the lucky children who never have any same-sex desires or know any gay people, this is merely an easy checkmark on the "Not To Do" list. For those who do recognize within themselves the unmistakable pull of same-gender attraction, however, the result is often guilt, shame, fear, and self-loathing. Even when they do come to terms with their sexual orientation, these people must work extra hard to unlearn all the negative influences that were ingrained in them during their formative years.

In this scenario, there are three groups of people who need to go through the unlearning process. The first, and most obvious, consists of those people who grow up believing that who they are is wrong. While their struggles are often extremely difficult, this group goes through the unlearning process out of necessity. For the most part, they come to terms with the truth of who they are, even though it means rejecting the beliefs they grew up with. Those of you who are in or have been through this process, you have my utmost respect. I understand some of what you were/are experiencing, and I commend you for working through this.

The second set of people who face unlearning are those who grow up with these conservative teachings and have a heterosexual orientation. They may go through much of their lives without having to face this situation. At some point or another, though, many of these people come into contact with the truth when someone they know and love "comes out" to them. When this happens, they are faced with a schism - if being gay equals sinful, wrong, and against the will of God, but a person that they love and respect is gay, something inside their heads goes "DOES NOT COMPUTE." Then they must choose to either reject the truth they've grown up with, or reject the person they love. I experienced both of these scenarios when I came out. My best friend of 12 years, who was closer to me than anyone, chose to cling to the truths that she believed, and I have not seen her since. However, another friend from high school, a friend of 7 years, was filled with grace and compassion. She admitted that she didn't know what to believe about homosexuality, and had never known a close friend or family member who was gay. She was grateful for the opportunity to spend time with me and find that nothing had changed, that I was still a "normal" person. She was ready to force herself to look into the situation and discover the truth. I pray that every gay person has a friend like this in their lives. This friend was willing to unlearn the things she grew up believing in order to accept the truth of the reality around her. Unfortunately, she is still a rare breed. There are many more people who choose to take the easy road, and cling to what they believe.

The final group of people, which may overlap with the first, is made up of people in the gay community who have been hurt by the church. Because of the lies and half-truths that are taught in conservative Christian circles, many gay people have been ridiculed, ostracized, condemned, and abused by Christians and the church. Some have been told that God hates them, that they are going to hell, and other vicious and painful lies. One day I hope to be used to bring restoration to this community. What I hope will happen is that these people can unlearn all the painful lies they've heard about God and discover that God made them just the way they are, loves them the way they are, and wants them to know that and know Him.

There is an incredible resource that has recently become available to help with this unlearning process. A documentary entitled For The Bible Tells Me So has just been released to DVD after receiving several films awards and even making the short list for Best Documentary Nominees for the Academy Awards. The film features five ordinary American families who are in the process of coming to terms with the fact that a member of each of their familes is gay. Gene V Robinson, the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, is interviewed, along with his parents, as well as Chrissy Gephardt, the daughter of one-time presidential candidate Richard Gephardt (and former Curve cover girl). The film features commentary from theologians, professors, and religious leaders exposing the truth about what is truthfully stated in the Bible and what has been misinterpreted. I saw the documentary three times and would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in exploring the reconciliation of Christian and homosexuality. It is available through Netflix, if you are a member, or you can buy the DVD here. If you don't have the money, you can send me an email arrangements to get you a copy to borrow. That is how much I believe in the worth and power of this film. Give it a chance. You just might unlearn something.


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Ask Butchie: Looking for a Straight Answer

This week in our Lesbian Advice Column a 23year old bi girl says: "My Gaydar seems to be broken... Do I ask her directly if she's straight?"

Hello--
I could use some advice.

I'm a 23 year-old bisexual (one of those honest ones, not the "hasbian" type). Recently I met a girl who completely blew me away at first sight, first conversation, you name it. I miraculously gathered the hutzpah to get her information, and was quite thrilled, until I ran into her online profile. Straight, it says.


My gaydar disagrees. (Not to be silly, but she even drives a Subaru.) She's also failed to mention any previous boyfriends, guys she's interested in, anything of the relationship category sort in conversation since then. And oh, yes, we have hung out a few times--the first get-together, we saw a concert and stayed up chatting in her kitchen until 2 AM. I feel unbelievably comfortable around her, and we "click" like there's no tomorrow. Non-awkward silences, but great stories and talking and jokes, lots of shared interests, and a general agreement of personalities.


But there's the straight thing. The more time I spend with her, the more emotionally involved I will get (I know me), but I also can't imagine telling her until we've been friends for longer, and I at least have a chance to get some sort of feel for any potential non-straightness she might have. She's a little younger than I am, still in college, so I figure it's entirely possible she's one of those girls who doesn't figure out her sexuality until a little later; she's also from a very conservative town where no one comes out, so I can see how that would be a hard situation to be honest in. It's just hard, because she's very difficult to read and the conversation never moves in the direction of previous relationships, so I have no idea about her history; all I really know is there's this connection, and she has to be feeling it too.

So, do I tell her? Now, or later? Do I ask her directly if she's straight? Have people been in similar situations and can shed light on this? Help!

-- Gaydar-challenged

Well Ms. Gaydar Challenged I must start off by saying you are definitely not alone in this predicament. It is clear to me there is a connection here so don’t let someone’s status on their myspace page discourage you from nature and from letting this friendship/relationship flourish into something beautiful.

As they say go with your gut, ride it out. Get to know her a little better and what better way then to ask about her past , family ,friends, relationships. Hey who knows you might even get more information than what you asked for. If she doesn’t reveal the answer to the million dollar question, you might want to give her some time before asking her straight out. If she is questioning her sexuality and she is not yet comfortable with this it very well might push her away so you have to be careful and take baby steps. Take your time here and enjoy this wonderful ride. You will know when the right time is to drop the news. You know what feels right inside, stick to that.

Good luck my friend and thanks for writing in. I hope we could be of help to you and please feel free to tell all your friends about us too!

Love,
Butchie

The Enlightened Dyke: Welcome To Class

You may not know it, but you're still in school. Every day you are presented with lessons, information, and opportunities for growth and change hidden inside your day-to-day experiences. Some of you, like you did in college, sleep through many of these. Others, again in collegiate form, are too drunk to take it in. And some of you, for some reason or another, just don't think you have any more learning to do, either because you've learned it all already (prideful, are we?) or because you don't think you can learn or change.


This is where I come in. I am a teacher. I take ideas and information and lessons that need to be learned, and transform them into something captivating. I open other people's eyes to new thoughts and possibilities, allowing them to learn truth for themselves. I don't profess to know everything; on the contrary, I know there is much more out there for me to learn. What makes me The Professor is my ability to engage others in thinking, learning, and growth. For like the trees in this picture, when we stop growing, we die.

Naturally, there will be times when we disagree. This is because, as my dear friend Lesberita says, everything is relative. Nonetheless, as long as I have inspired you to think, to process, and to more clearly define what you know and believe, I have succeeded.

This brings me to my first lesson. Success. It means different things to each of us. Are you succeeding in your life? I believe the only way to succeed at anything is to know what you're going after. Do you have goals for your life? Have you written them down? Never underestimate the power of the written word. When you write things down, you are showing yourself that you take it seriously. And shouldn't your goals for life be something you take seriously?

If it seems overwhelming, you don't need to think about everything you want to do with your entire life. I think it's important to have short and long term goals. It's also important to think about the many layers of yourself, not just your career. For example, here is a short excerpt of my life goals:

• Get out of debt.
• Learn to play piano.
  
• Run a marathon.
• Develop at least three lifelong friends.
  

As you can see, the things I want out of my life involve every aspect of my person, not just my career. It's important to think about "being successful" as applying to more than just your professional life. Your physical, emotional, financial, relational, and spiritual sides of your life also deserve your attention.

Your homework for today: Make a to-do list for your life. Use an old notebook, a journal, or even a new Word file. Think about the many areas of your life that you want to develop. It can major milestones, or simple achievements. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks; this is between you and yourself. Then, once you've written them down, pick one or two that you want to focus on. Go after them! You'll never know if you don't try. And if you don't try, you'll always wonder.

---

Lesbian Fashion: What's this all aboot?!

It seems that my (bad) fashion muse lately has been music. That's right, ladies and gentledykes, I've been inspired by yet another song. This time, I assure you, it wasn't country. I must preface the revelation of the song by saying that I am forced to listen to Los Angeles' most repetative hip-hop/pop crap radio station all. day. long. at work, so I am not to blame for having this stuck in my head. Flo-rida's "Low." I know you've all heard it, but you probably don't cringe and shake your fist every time you do. Let me enlighten you, friends.



"...Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur..."You know why the whole club was lookin' at her? Because she had these ugly boots on. Obviously, I have no problem with Apple Bottom jeans. I like a girl with a bit of booty. (Okay, have you seen my ladyfriend's ass? Srsly, you guys. As she says, "Just a bit of booty?!" For the record, she's a Faggy Butch, so no Apple Bottom jeans for her, but she could work them out if she got the notion). Anyway, I digress. The point is, boots with the fur. Boots. With. FUR. I don't know who this Flo-rida guy is, but I'm guessing he's probably from Florida**. I've only been to Florida once, and the LAST thing you need there are boots with some damn fur. Oh, and "sunny Southern California"? Yeah, that's right, where I live? Where everyone has an aneurysm every time the temperature drops below 75? They're EVERYWHERE. People. Look. It is not cute to have a dead racoon on your feet. It does not accentuate the apple bottom you think you have (you probably don't). So go ahead and get those jeans that make your ass look just a liiiiiiiittle bit perkier, and leave the boots with the fur at home. Unless, of course, you live in Alaska, Canada, or Wisconsin, and it's after Labor Day. Then, well, I'll at least hate you silently, but only on a matter of principle. And next time, keep your winter "fashion" to yourself, okay? The one good thing I can say about these boots? The girls that wear them usually have painted on jeans, which they tuck in to the boots. As long as you have the body for them, skin tight jeans are the only jeans that look good tucked in to boots. Period. Stop arguing. And yes, there is a difference between skin tight jeans and skinny jeans.

So, the other day, I was at a dyke bar (which is rife with fashion faux pas, I assure you), and I saw the most RIDICULOUS thing. Really, really ridiculous.

Oh no, people, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. Those are, indeed, silver metallic cowboy boots. Now, let me just confess to you that I have a pair of cowboy boots that I love dearly, but I will be the first to admit that, for the most part, the cowboy boot's time has come and gone. I have accepted that I can only wear them, with very few exceptions, to the country bar, and even then, usually well hidden under a pair of bootcut jeans. I understand that in some parts of the country, cowboy boots are still neccessary, and even considered...dare I say it...acceptable for public consumption. HOWEVER! There is absolutely NO reason for metallic cowboy boots. NONE. Who are you, the Rhinestone Cowboy? No, you most certainly are not, and for Prada's sake, stop tucking your jeans that don't fit you correctly into your metallic cowboy boots, thereby accentuating the fact that every single item of clothing you have on your lower body is the most hideous thing ever. (No, hipsters, it is STILL NOT IRONIC).

Okay, okay, I know these are very similar to "boots with the fur," but really, they are a class all their own. Not even a cute heel or pointed toe to distract you from the fake sheepskin in 90 degree weather (usually worn with a cut off denim mini skirt that barely covers your muffin shop...and if you are over 24 and wearing one of these skirts, please let me know your location so I can fly there and slap you). No, these are just...well...fUgg (see that? See what I did there?).

(Someone had time to put on their Uggs, but obviously forgot their pants.)

Really, these things are all over. I hear you can get them in like, 538295894285928092358924 colors. They have stripes. They have little poofballs. They have tall ones. They have short ones. They have corderoy, and yes, they even make rainbow. crochet. booties. Hell, Uggs have become so popular, they have knock offs, and now have to designate them as "Original Uggs." Could someone please take the "Original Ugg" and burn it, so that perhaps they will stop reproducing? I know that they're dying down, but way too many people have not got the memo. This is not Nepal. You are not a sherpa. There is no need for sheepskin on your feet just because the air conditioning at the mall is a bit too chilly.

Gladiator. Sandals. No, shut up, it's for real. I saw this poor girl wearing them just the other day, and I kind of wanted to trip her and hope that the structural strap on her sandals broke and they were just ruined for LIFE. I know they're not reeeeaaaaallllyyyyy boots (but who's to say what is a boot?), but they go up to your knees, and that is boot enough for me. Look, let's not kid ourselves here. You are not, will not, and have not been Xena. You are not a warrior princess. You will never sleep with a warrior princess. And hi, all of the people who have had their boobs grabbed by Lucy Lawless, raise their hand. Oh, surprise, I'm the only one raising my hand.

(Standing in for Xena is...your mom. Or your dad, I can't tell.)

We're all friends here, right? So I can tell you that maybe I know a few girls who have done their time on Santa Monica Blvd. It's hard to advertise, unless you want to pay all that money to take an add out in the back of the LA Weekly. You know, you wear a big sign that says, "Yes, I will accept money for sexual favors," and it sort of gets you sent to the slammer. Or, um, so I hear. What, then, do working girls do to advertise? Why, they wear these:

I'll admit it, I love the print. But I am not Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, and neither are you. Never ever wear boots that breech the gap between the fullest part of your calf and your knee, especially if they're vinyl. Really. Unless you're a teenaged goth queen or you're working it over at the Bunny Ranch with Heidi Fleiss, just say no. In fact, if you have the urge to purchase just about anything wearable in vinyl, you should probably back away slowly and hide the Amex.

Finally, on one last, albeit totally non-boot related note, a reader pointed one thing out to me from my last post. In one of the mullet photos, there was an innocent bystander wearing a Finding Nemo tshirt. The person in question was pretty obviously over the age of, oh, I don't know, 7, which is the acceptable age for wearing a Finding Nemo tshirt. Well, unless you work at Disneyland, then you should probably think about finding a job that doesn't require you to look like your mental capacity has yet to catch up with your shoe size. Moving on, ladies. Listen. Cartoon characters are never acceptable. Even I realize that my tastefully embossed Hello Kitty suitcase is totally tacky, but it has sentimental value, and by the way, who the hell cares what I look like in LAX at 5am? However, anywhere in the universe outside of LAX at 5am, you should not be wearing Mickey Mouse or Sponge Bob or Winnie the Poo, or G-d forgive, Spiderman outdoors. Or even indoors (sleep time is acceptable. Laundry time is only acceptable if no one else has to pretend to be folding their laundry while trying to mentally coax that bottle of bleach to ruin your Power Puff Girls baby tee)! Even if you only paid $5 for it at the thrift store. Guess why it's at the thrift store? Because someone else realized they were over the age of 10!

**(Just a quick note, according to Wikipedia, Flo-Rida was actually born in Florida. So, you can feel like an ass for laughing at that, which I know you did, because I apparently know more than you do about bad hip hop. Sucka.)