If Lesbians Were Animals...

I don't mean this in a sexually charged animalistic kind of way, either. I mean, what if lesbians were animals, literally? What creatures of our great earth would they embody? I am here to explore the concept of Lesbians as animals, because sometimes we all feel a little wild inside.

  • The Stone Butch
    Stone butches are masculine, rugged, and strong. They are more physically domineering than most men I know and it's safe to say I wouldn't piss one off. They have a hard exterior and can put on a real tough act, but when it comes down to it, they have a soft side that even Snuggles the Bear would be jealous of. If Stone Butches were animals, they would be Western Lowland Gorillas because they're like a big Momma; they will take care of you so very sweetly but you do not want to piss big Momma off!

  • The Soft Butch
    Soft butches often resemble 12 year old boys. They have soft, boyish features with a touch of femininity that can usually be found under their layer of carpenter pants and collared shirts. They can be shy and sweet, but desperately try to exude a rough and tough exterior. All the ladies know they are hopeless romantics and really aim to please. If Soft Butches were animals they would be Panda Bears because they are just so damn cute and cuddly and can barely muster a feasible "Grrrr".

  • The Androdyke
    Androgenous dykers are the epitomy of gender ambiguity. I would best describe them as Pat from SNL. They usually have short hair with boyish facial features yet can be seen in more girlish attire. Androgirls usually have rather serious personalities and are often always ready to get down to business. If Androdykes were animals they would be Duikers because they aren't sure exactly what they're supposed to be and tend to blend in with the crowd.

  • The Granola Dyke
    The Granola Dyke can usually be targeted by their potent odor. They have a tendency to avoid shaving the typically female-shaven areas, shower less than normal and usually dred their hair. They are free-lovin', tree-huggin', hemp-totin', music-listenin', free-spirited dykes who will picket to save the whales and love a good bonfire party. If Granola Dykes were animals they'd be Three Toed Sloths because what could be more fun than takin' life slow, hanging in a tree and having a chillin' good time.

  • The Hipster Dyke
    The Hipster dyke can be spotted with large aviator sunglasses, studded belts, vintage screen t-shirt, tight diesel jeans and black converse all-stars. She can be found hanging around local coffee shops and small venues where indie rock shows run the gammit. Hipster dykes are snobbish by nature, opinionated and snarky. They'll make fun of your non-thrift-store attire and your lack of "good taste" in music. If Hipster Dykes were animals they would be Cassowary birds because their look is interesting and unique but one quick glance could turn you into stone.

  • The Sporty Femme
    The Sporty Femme is no doubt seen with a popped-collar polo shirt, visor cocked to the side, and a sweet pair of puma kicks. She's a great dancer, loves those hip-hop beats and has a killer bod. She can bench press more than my brother, and can usually be found on multiple softball, rugby and soccer teams. She's fun-lovin' and outgoing but not the brightest bulb in the box. If Sporty Femmes were animals they would be Red Kangaroos because they love a good time and have a boatload of extra energy that always has them bouncin' around from one place to the next.

  • The Lipstick Lesbian
    The Lipstick Lesbian is the girliest of all the lesbian breeds. She is dainty with delicate features and curves in all the right places. She likes high heels, jewelery, mini skirts and (you guessed it) lipstick! She's sassy and smart and very professional but don't be fooled; she loves to be catered to and spoiled like the Queen of England. If Lipstick Lesbians were animals they would be Himalayan Cats because they are independant, beautiful and dainty. Just be sure to address them as your royal heiness. Now fetch me my dinner!

    Here I conclude this segment on lesbians as animals. Next time you're at the Zoo, take a closer look at which animalyou most closely resemble and feel free to get a little primal. ROOOOOOAAAR!!

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