1. No. More. Skinny jeans.
Really, I have yet to see one person wear them correctly. Either you wear them all scrunched up with Vans, which make you look like you have chicken legs and MONSTER feet, not to mention almost everyone I've seen that wears this look hasn't bought a new pair of Vans in at LEAST 16 years. Having your toes stick out of your shoes is NOT cute unless you're wearing open toed shoes. If it's not the shoes, it's the boxers. No, really. BOXERS?! Boxers are super cute, but with skinny jeans? People, really. Let's think about this. Skinny jeans are skinny. Boxers are not. This creates a charming little boxer muffin top hanging out of the back of your pants since NO ONE WEARS A BELT ANYMORE. Muffin tops are not cute, I promise. Invest in a pair of briefs or bikinis. Even boxer briefs!
2. Athletic wear as club wear.
3. Speaking of hats, I am way over the straight brim. What happened to the good old days, when you got a new hat, and rubber banded the brim for three days so that it'd have the perfect bend? I miss those days. The straight brim is just not cute. And at the very least, when you go for the drunken makeout, please take off your hat so you don't give us a black eye. Let's not even talk about leaving the stickers on.
4. Sunglasses at clubs. You don't look cool or mysterious. At best, you look pretentious. At worst, you look like you're hiding a bad case of pink eye.
5. The hipster neck scarf. Thankfully, this trend seems to be dying down, but really, you look like you're trying to match your outfit to Old Yeller. Golden Retrievers are cute and all, but I don't want to date one.
Femmes, you're not getting off scot free. Let's talk about three things you should have learned a LONG time ago.
2. Pocketless jeans.
3. Dresses over pants. WHY is this still cute? I admit, I wear capris under my bathing suit cover up when I'm going to the beach, but come on. There's a limit. Choose one or the other. If the dress is not long enough to wear without pants, DON'T BUY IT. Hoochie.
All right, lesbians, you have been given by New Year's resolutions. Don't let me down.