Lesbian Fashion: A 2008 list of resolutions.

So, it's been 2008 for exactly 21 days. Most people have already broken nearly all of their New Year's resolutions, and have even forgone the "Next year, I'm going to..." promises. I, however, have not broken any of my New Year's resolutions. Why? Well, simple. Because I've made them for other people. Specifically, the rest of the lesbian community. That's right, lesbian community, your New Year's Resolutions for 2008 are to avoid all of the following fashion faux pas:

1. No. More. Skinny jeans.

Really, I have yet to see one person wear them correctly. Either you wear them all scrunched up with Vans, which make you look like you have chicken legs and MONSTER feet, not to mention almost everyone I've seen that wears this look hasn't bought a new pair of Vans in at LEAST 16 years. Having your toes stick out of your shoes is NOT cute unless you're wearing open toed shoes. If it's not the shoes, it's the boxers. No, really. BOXERS?! Boxers are super cute, but with skinny jeans? People, really. Let's think about this. Skinny jeans are skinny. Boxers are not. This creates a charming little boxer muffin top hanging out of the back of your pants since NO ONE WEARS A BELT ANYMORE. Muffin tops are not cute, I promise. Invest in a pair of briefs or bikinis. Even boxer briefs!

2. Athletic wear as club wear.

I understand if you go straight from the b-ball court to the Abbey on a Saturday afternoon (*cough*), but if I see another wife beater and pair of basketball shorts at 10pm on a Friday night at Here, especially when it's obvious that you took your sweet time doing your hair so that it looks just right with your hat, I may just go homicidal. Or homocidal.

3. Speaking of hats, I am way over the straight brim. What happened to the good old days, when you got a new hat, and rubber banded the brim for three days so that it'd have the perfect bend? I miss those days. The straight brim is just not cute. And at the very least, when you go for the drunken makeout, please take off your hat so you don't give us a black eye. Let's not even talk about leaving the stickers on.

4. Sunglasses at clubs. You don't look cool or mysterious. At best, you look pretentious. At worst, you look like you're hiding a bad case of pink eye.

5. The hipster neck scarf. Thankfully, this trend seems to be dying down, but really, you look like you're trying to match your outfit to Old Yeller. Golden Retrievers are cute and all, but I don't want to date one.

Femmes, you're not getting off scot free.
Let's talk about three things you should have learned a LONG time ago.

1. Scrunchies.
Really? Really?! This is not the midwest circa 1987. BURN YOUR SCRUNCHIES. There is no excuse. None.

2. Pocketless jeans.
They make your ass look big. I'm not talking J-Lo big, I'm talking oversized lollypop on two tiny sticks big. Don't do it.

3. Dresses over pants. WHY is this still cute? I admit, I wear capris under my bathing suit cover up when I'm going to the beach, but come on. There's a limit. Choose one or the other. If the dress is not long enough to wear without pants, DON'T BUY IT. Hoochie.

All right, lesbians, you have been given by New Year's resolutions. Don't let me down.
Make a Lesbian Fashion Statement
Shop at the

Roses are red, violets are blue, please leave your comment, after your reading is thru.


Lesberita said...

I am so with you on brining an end to skinny jeans. They are the same caliber ugly as a holiday sweater from Walmart. Yeah, they're that bad.

dubbs said...

seriously. hate. skinny jeans.

Beebo Brinker said...

what are the hipsters gunna do? Next thing you know they're going to bring back acid washed jeans... ( i just had chills)

Anonymous said...

Um. Obviously you haven't been to the East side if you think acid washed jeans haven't been brought back. That reminds me...next blog.

Beebo Brinker said...


Anonymous said...

oh no! I have to fight for the skinny jeans...and i've never worn them with vans. or any tennis shoes for that matter.

i think i should be given a free ticket for them because i have an oddly shaped butt and its ridiculously hard to find something that makes it look like anything but an oddly shaped butt.

Anonymous said...

As long as you do not have your muffin top hanging out, biological or otherwise, I shall give you and only you a free pass to wear the skinny jeans. But please, use it wisely.

Emily said...

I know I'm 2 years late and probably no one will read this, but

please resurrect this. Please. Please, I'm begging.