1/14/08

An Open Letter To Kathy Griffin

Dear Kathy,

I am writing you this letter because I think you are one of the most awesomely bad-ass stand-up comedians ever to hit the stage. Some people think you are raunchy, inappropriate and would even go so far as to call you downright bitchy, but I think they are just jealous at your innate sense of wit and your sexy red hair.

I went to your show on Saturday night (January 12) at the Kodak Theater with my girlfriend and a few friends. We walked around for a bit, enjoying the throngs of men who were more excited than the gays at a Liza Minnelli drag night . I even saw Holly Hunter in the bathroom! We meandered over to the bar where I enjoyed a pre-show Long Island Ice Tea and then we took our seats in the "nosebleed" section of the theater. I admit, I'm afraid of heights, but Kathy, I would sit on the roof to see you perform!

To show you my true dedication as a fan, I have decided to share with the world a very embarrassing yet true story regarding the night of your show. All of the information I am about to present to you is entirely true; no aspect of this has been fabricated for your reading enjoyment.

After 60 minutes into your show, I suddenly came to the realization that I had to go number 1 really badly. I immediately regreted sucking down that delicious cocktail knowing that my bladder is about the size of a walnut and I can usually "hold it" for about as long as I can hold my breath. The problem was, I knew you weren't going to be done for at least 25 minutes and the thought of missing any part of your act made me want to die a little inside. As I sat there, in the dark theater, surrounded by hundreds of people laughing their heads off, I contemplated my options. I could a) get up, stumble through the darkness towards the bathroom, and risk missing something ridiculously funny, b) hold it or c) do the unthinkable and pee in my empty long-island ice tea cup. I knew time was running out because Mr. Bladder was telling me I needed to make up my mind, pronto. My palms were sweaty and I was starting to cry a little. My ability to concentrate on your performance was becoming severely hindered and I knew I had to move fast.

I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and I did it all for you Kathy.

In a completely inconspicuous motion, I grabbed the empty plastic cup from under my seat. I casually laid my navy blue blazer across my lap and proceed to quietly unzip my pants and shimmy the small plastic cup "down there". I looked to my left and then to my right; all eyes were on you (and not on the girl with her hands down her pants). I shifted my underwear to the left and put the cup as close to my body as possible. I tested the waters with a small squirt of pee - BULLSEYE! - it went right into the cup. I proceed to slowly and very carefully urinate into a cup that was under a blazer laid across my lap. I only emptied my bladder about 50% for fear of overflowing the cup and having my pee go all over the place. It was a very risky procedure, but I managed to pull the cup out with minimal spillage and place it back under my seat without a soul knowing what had just transpired.

I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed, knowing I had bought myself at least 45 minutes until I had to pee again, and knowing then the show would be over. The best part of all was that I didn't miss a second of your show. Now that's true fan dedication.

If you don't believe me, feel free to go up to Mezzanine 3 of the Kodak Theater, Row C, seat 42. If you check way underneath the seat, you'll find a small plastic cup filled with a mysterious yellow liquid. That yellow liquid is a true labor of love. Oh and thank god for hand sanitizer.

I heart you Kathy Griffin.

Love always,

Lesberita, a true fan

p.s. I know it's not allowed, but I videotaped a few of my favorite clips from your show on my phone (even though they are kind of crappy). I'm going to share one of my favorites clips where you are talking about Oprah. Enjoy!





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Roses are red, violets are blue, please leave your comment, after your reading is thru.

3 comments:

Beebo Brinker said...

hahahaa. you are fucking awesome... I'm not the best squatter so i would have gone to the bathroom.

you've earned some major street cred in my book girlfriend.

thewishfulwriter said...

seriously...i think i just laughed so hard I peed my own damn pants. and i didn't do it as flawlessly as you did...

Wendy said...

Now THAT is something I never would have managed...

For future griffin shows you may want to pack one of these devices

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/10/shenis.html

Although I suspect using the "shenis" (the last device on the page linked) might have gotten you noticed!

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