Living with an addict.

Hello, my name is Grace, and I am not an addict. However, my girlfriend is.

Sometimes I feel that I can't get through to her. Sometimes, when I try to speak to her, she just sits on the couch and brushes me off, and she stares straight ahead like I'm not there. I feel like her addiction is pulling her away from me and that there is no way that I can compete. The situation is hopeless.

My girlfriend is addicted to American Idol.

Every Friday night when I come home from work, I find her on the couch watching the past week's episodes of American Idol on DVR. She doesn't even notice when I walk in the room. She only sees Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan.

So I did the only thing I could do to salvage our relationship. I started the habit as well. Right now, I'm just a recreational watcher, but I am afraid that if I watch too many episodes, I may reach a point where I cannot turn back.

These past couple of weeks were tough. I found it harder and harder to look away. Paula Abdul is a living train wreck, and train wrecks have this perplexing yet powerful way of reeling you in. She consistently appears on the show either three sheets to the wind or in the middle of a manic episode. This week, after teen sensation David Archuleta sang a particularly moving rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine," Paula's eyes misted over, and she proclaimed her love for the young man, stating that she would like to...

...decapitate him and use his head as a rear-view mirror decoration.

Kid, you better acquaint yourself with the names "Smith" and "Wesson" and start sleeping with your new best friends every night, or else your body parts are going to end up as tchotchkes in Paula's car or as hood ornaments. Moving on...

One of the contestants, Danny Noriega, has SO been living somewhere over the rainbow as Dorothy's BFF the day he came into this world.

Really, I think that Simon Cowell is so wound up with tension that if he tried to "snap back," he would sprain his neck and have to be carried out on a stretcher. Which may not be such a bad thing. Anyway, anyone up for a Danny Noriega vs. Chris Crocker match-up? A Not-So-Lesbian-Yet-Still-Part-Of-The-Family Turkish Oil Wrestling throwdown? My bet would be on Noriega. Crocker may have a lot of bark, but I think Noriega, if pushed, would bite. Crocker would, however, win a sudden-death "'yo momma' joke" duel with Noriega, hands down, hands up, and hands snapping.

Bring it on!

Grace Chu is one of the music editors of Lesbiatopia and runs the site Gracethespot.com with her addict girlfriend. She would be grateful if anyone would be willing to run an intervention.


StickyKeys said...

If your GF wants someone to squee about Danny with tell her to holla! I'm officially too d@mn old to hang with these kids, but I do anyways cause I'm still young enough to not care.

Danny FTW!

And I can't endorse David A cause I am not trying to catch a case stuffing him in my pocket. I fear I've already said too much!

Anonymous said...

Votefortheworst.com is "endorsing" Danny as well. Last year, they "endorsed" Sanjaya Malakar (the kid with the crazy hair who couldn't sing).

I will admit to calling in for Sanjaya five times in one night last year, because some stupid ass lawyer went on the O'Reilly Factor claiming that Howard Stern and the operator of the website Votefortheworst.com, could be liable for tortious interference with business relations for urging viewers to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show! If a lawyer actually went into court and made this argument, he/she would be sanctioned.

Anyway, GO DANNY GO!

- Grace C. (who is too lazy to log into her account)

StickyKeys said...

One thing I like is the VFTW isn't endorsing Danny cause he sucks or anything, but because he's the one the producers really don't want to win. They love him over there so far which is neat.

And dangit I was a Fanjaya, I can't even hate. I think he even had a decent voice, just no idea what to do with it. Then he started acting out and made the most out of a pretty mediocre season.

Grace C. said...

I like the female contestant with the crazy hair over the VFTW as well. Crazy hair = AI gold.

(And I like the Chikezie guy, because he keeps on insulting Simon Cowell.)