Sometimes I feel that I can't get through to her. Sometimes, when I try to speak to her, she just sits on the couch and brushes me off, and she stares straight ahead like I'm not there. I feel like her addiction is pulling her away from me and that there is no way that I can compete. The situation is hopeless.
My girlfriend is addicted to American Idol.
Every Friday night when I come home from work, I find her on the couch watching the past week's episodes of American Idol on DVR. She doesn't even notice when I walk in the room. She only sees Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan.
So I did the only thing I could do to salvage our relationship. I started the habit as well. Right now, I'm just a recreational watcher, but I am afraid that if I watch too many episodes, I may reach a point where I cannot turn back.
These past couple of weeks were tough. I found it harder and harder to look away. Paula Abdul is a living train wreck, and train wrecks have this perplexing yet powerful way of reeling you in. She consistently appears on the show either three sheets to the wind or in the middle of a manic episode. This week, after teen sensation David Archuleta sang a particularly moving rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine," Paula's eyes misted over, and she proclaimed her love for the young man, stating that she would like to...
...decapitate him and use his head as a rear-view mirror decoration.
Kid, you better acquaint yourself with the names "Smith" and "Wesson" and start sleeping with your new best friends every night, or else your body parts are going to end up as tchotchkes in Paula's car or as hood ornaments. Moving on...
One of the contestants, Danny Noriega, has SO been living somewhere over the rainbow as Dorothy's BFF the day he came into this world.
Really, I think that Simon Cowell is so wound up with tension that if he tried to "snap back," he would sprain his neck and have to be carried out on a stretcher. Which may not be such a bad thing. Anyway, anyone up for a Danny Noriega vs. Chris Crocker match-up? A Not-So-Lesbian-Yet-Still-Part-Of-The-Family Turkish Oil Wrestling throwdown? My bet would be on Noriega. Crocker may have a lot of bark, but I think Noriega, if pushed, would bite. Crocker would, however, win a sudden-death "'yo momma' joke" duel with Noriega, hands down, hands up, and hands snapping.
Bring it on!
Grace Chu is one of the music editors of Lesbiatopia and runs the site Gracethespot.com with her addict girlfriend. She would be grateful if anyone would be willing to run an intervention.