5 "Lesbian Movies" which aren't really Lesbian Movies

If you're like me and you're suffering from frequent unemployment, an inability to afford premium cable channels, and a general bitterness towards of all the reality shows and reruns we've been subjected to during the strike, here are some craptastic films that can be easily found on basic cable, and usually more than once a day. These are movies that will warm your queer heart, but you won't find them on Logo or at Outfest. Instead, you can find them on USA, TBS or TNT running on a loop for an entire Sunday.

None of these films are actually about lesbians, and they usually don't even mention lesbians at all, but they still manage to appeal to our gay sensibilities. They all feature a barely-there plot, usually about a naive girl who is "saved by" something ridiculous, like surfing, singing, or her math teacher. They mostly include an on again/off again romance with some boy who is inevitably going to help the girl be "saved" by whatever she's going to be saved by. And they all include at least one young, cute movie star... before they were movie stars, drunks, or both.

1. Blue Crush. Girls in bikinis. Michelle Rodriguez. Water. Lots of it. Some kind of surfing contest. Did I mention Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini?

2. Coyote Ugly. Logic and common sense seem to dictate that this should not be a movie lesbians (or women at all, actually) like. Naive girl moves to big city, virtually becomes a stripper, meets a boy, without whom she would not end up with the singing career she ends up with at the end of the movie. All the rules of feminism dictate that we should not like this movie. Yet... it's a craptastic joyride of a movie for lesbians everywhere. There's something about that wide-eyed ingenue (played by Piper Perabo, who later went on to star in that fine lesbian classic, Imagine Me and You) surrounding herself with debauchery and semi-nudity that gets me every time. Oh, and did I mention the scene(s) where the girls all "dance" on the bar to "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Klassy.

3. Mean Girls. What is it with lesbians and this movie? Is it the idea of Lindsay Lohan as a teenager in a push up bra? (I hope not.) Is it because, as women who were once teenage girls, we unwittingly relate to this movie in ways no one wants to admit? Although it's frequently lumped in with the rest of the high-school-movie genre, I find that this particular flick has slightly more intelligence, depth, and well, hotness. And there's a reason for that: Tina Fey. Her character is a great dorky predecessor to Liz Lemon, and Fey is absolutely charming as the math teacher who saves high school. Forget the boy in this one - Tina Fey is the real heroine in this movie.

4. Bring it On. "I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot. I'm bitchin', great hair. The boys all love to stare. I'm wanted, I'm hot. I'm everything you're not. I'm pretty, I'm cool. I dominate the school." I didn't do that from the top of my head. I swear. Cheerleaders, catfights, bitchy high school wackiness, what more could you ask for? Eliza Dushku as the rebellious, somewhat dykey anti-cheerleader who has frequent sleepovers with Kirsten Dunst? Done.

5. Bend It Like Beckham. Girls playing soccer to the sounds of rollicking chick-pop, female friendship wackiness, and an un-supporting family define the appeal of this movie. But when you dig a little deeper, it's the idea that Jess has to learn to be herself and not hide her, uh, soccer playing from her family anymore that makes this movie brilliant - what gay girl can't relate to that? The parallels are not lost on the filmmakers either, who peppered their screenplay with lots of silly "soccer player = lesbian" jokes. The best ones come from Keira Knightley's mother, who says things like, "All I'm saying is, there's a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!" Plus, no matter your sexual preference, there's no denying how cute Jonathan Rhys Myers is.


Lesberita said...

You forgot to mention Piper Perabo's ground-breaking role (I say that loosely) as the psychotic lesbian in "Lost and Delirious"

Grace C. said...

and don't forget "girl, interrupted"!

MFL said...

You missed out 'Fried green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe'
Obviously a lesbian movie with no mention of the word and no lesbians are are there?

Lesbian Movie Guide