5/2/08

Lesbian Fashion: G-d save the soccer moms.

You guys will never guess where I'm moving to. Fresno!

I know, I can't believe it either. Expect to see numerous posts lamenting on the horrors of flannel.

In the mean time, I would like to celebrate a few trends that I really wish would just die already.

First of all, can we talk about bubble hem dresses?



It's like they were trying to conserve thread, so they cut the number of seams in half. While that seems all nice and environmentally friendly, it makes you look like you're walking around in a dressed up trash bag.

Honestly, these dresses really break my heart more than when Dylan leaves Kelly and goes back to that bitch Brenda. I mean, I'm checking out a girl's style like, "Oooooh, where did she get that? I wonder if it comes in my size?" Then BAM! Upside down muffin wrapper. And they totally don't flow the way regular dresses do, and end up making you look like you're walking around with one of those cones they put on dogs after they're neutered tied around your waist.

Also, don't laugh, but I went to a goth club a few weeks ago.

Shut up, I was reliving my high school days.

I totally understand the need to rebel in a group conformity situation, so while many people shun the goth movement, I completely support it. However, let's not get crazy, kids. Black and blood red lipstick are NOT for everyone. Trust me. The thinner the lips, the lighter the shade. Please, for the love of all that is holy, if you have lips that a stick figure would be envious of, try a lighter shade. Oh, and since corsets are still involved in fashion areas other than the goth scene, ladies, do everyone a favor. If you're wearing a corset, LET IT DO ITS JOB.

I swear, if I ever see another woman wearing a BRA with a strapless corset, I will beat her senseless with someone's coffin shaped purse. It's okay, the "vampires" will clean up.

Oh, and since it's May, which pretty much means summer in California, we must discuss shorts. Specifically, pleated shorts.

I know right now, 75% of you just gasped in horror, but 25% of you just said, "But they look so crisp!"

No!

They don't!

They make you look paunchy and like a middle aged soccer mom (but not in the hot way). Really, I can't think of a single greater disservice you could do to your body in shorts form, unless, say, you got a pair of those ugly satin bloomers that someone decided to wear on stage one day. (Gwen Stefani, I'm looking at you). Really, pleated shorts aren't even acceptable if you're a pro-golfer, and that's saying a lot.

1 comments:

MLC said...

And "carhart" clothing is for construction sites - and just what about cargo shorts?

Oh there are places far, far, less fashion conscious then the hills you hail from.

Kudos on your post-from the fashion deadlands.

j.

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