The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered

Dear Book,
I am 33 ...married to a 42 year old man that I have been with for 11 years...We have a 4 year old son.

8 months ago I became quick friends with an English women also 33 years old and her 2 kids. They moved in with my family as they needed a place to stay. After about 2 months of them living with us I started to find her attractive and fascinating. I kept questioning where these feelings where coming from as I have never even so much as kissed a women before. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I wrote her a letter. I told her that I could wait in her company for years waiting for her to be ready and if she was never ready I would go to my grave completely satisfied in the knowledge that I loved her deeply as my friend. We didn't get to talk about the letter until the next day. She said, "So really? Seriously?" And I said, "Yes really." She said, "Well why don't we try you putting your hand here on my stomach that's a safe place." So I put my arm over her and started lightly stroking her side. I could feel her react with little trembles. She caressed my hair and kissed me. Then out of nowhere she said I can't do this I can't sacrifice our friendship.I asked her not to leave but she said if she didn't that something physical would happen. She didn't come back for 4 day's. When she did come back, she said,"I can't handle this right now." I just don't know what to do with these raw feelings I'm having. It is hard for me to be around her because I want her. If we had just talked about it and she would have said I really only like men or no I'm not attracted to you or even I would want you to leave your husband first, then I could have been alright. I would have patched myself up and kept on with life. She will not talk to me about this all. What should I do? I'm going out of my mind and having to hide it from my husband and her! It is getting in the way of my work, my sex life with my husband etc. I don't feel guilty about it at all. I think life is to short for things like that. And this isn't a normal situation I have never felt so completely enraptured with a person male or female before it actually feels like I'm cheating by having sex with my husband! HELP!


Missing my Friend

Dear Missing my Friend,

You've fallen for your best friend completely. It is a rarely discussed common occurrence that woman fall in love with their best friends. Sometimes it becomes physical. Often times, we downplay the intense emotional and physical feelings we have for our female friends as they are simply not prioritized or validated within the dominate heterosexual society we all inhabit. A lot women are just not comfortable expressing themselves sexually with other women. They identify as 'heterosexual' despite having intense emotional intimate relationships with women. Although a little booze will go a long way in mysteriously altering their sexual preference for the evening. This is where we get the term, 'Six Pack Lesbian'...a few beers in and homegirl's singin, 'What's your man got to do with me?"
The thing is your friend loves you too but she's not going to let it be expressed in a sexual and overtly romantic way. It sounds like she has done the responsible thing by not taking your physical interactions to a place that would be horribly intense and confusing for the both of you. I am hoping that I am right to infer that she is afraid of taking you away from your family, your son specifically. She also might be afraid that sleeping with you will compromise your friendship. It seems like she needs you more as friend who gives her support.
Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to start this relationship with you are irrelevant. You aren't going to to get a clear cut explanation from her. But like you said, if you knew it wasn't going to work out, you would pick yourself up and move on. Well, she's given you every indication that it's not right for her, so you need to let her, let it go.
As is always the case with the ending of intimate relationships, you have to separate her from your life in order to move past her. Now that she is aware of how you feel about her, she might begin to take advantage of the fact and become quite demanding and dependent. Don't accept her dependance on you for as an excuse for a loving and balanced partnership.The lesson here is that just because you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean they make a good partner for you.
Right now, you need her out of your space so you can figure out your family life. You need to look at how your feel about your husband. I'm not even going to suggest you to go find another woman to be with. Just because you fell in love with one doesn't mean you can only be with women. What you need to do now is think about making your life a safe place for your son! He needs a home and a mother and parents that can respect each other.

The book is closed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You not only placed your feelings on the line but also in writing - whew... take a deep breath... okay okay breath out... You took a courageous step but now there is a side step to take. Instead of focusing on your friend (which must be really hard if she is still living with you - perhaps that situation should be re-evaluated) how about just you being the focus. It is alright to think of ourselves because if we don't figure ourselves out how can the people around us understand us?