There's something about lesbians and cats that just go hand-in-hand and for some reason lately, all signs have been pointing to "crazy cat lady". The first sign came from Cynthia's article Lesbian Relationships: Notes from a Bitter, Jaded, Middle-aged Lesbian where she decides "I'm gonna be known in the future as the old witch on the block who lives with seven cats." Then, only a few short hours later, I stumbled across an article on Scanner on the Ways to Avoid Becoming the Crazy Cat Lady (which I have graciously listed below). Of course, there's my sometimes-bordering-on-obsession addiction to LOL Cats, or as some people refer to it, Icanhascheezburger. I am not lying when I say I have killed entire weekend afternoons browsing through hundreds of pictures on that site and laughing my ass off. I want to be whoever invented that blog. I bet it was a lesbian.
I, myself, always felt destined for crazy-cat-ladydom (if that's not a word, it should be) until I met my girlfriend. Now you're probably thinking "Great, you met someone, but what am I supposed to do?" and the truth of the matter is that I'm pretty sure I'm still destined to be a crazy-cat lady, we're just going to do it together. That's right, I met another lesbian that's as obsessed with cats as I am; we have four cats (and counting). There's bound to be more cats in the future, maybe they'll even film a reality show on us. I can already see it now, we'll be the feline version of "John & Kate Plus 8", only it'll be "Renee & Renee, Cats? 8". If you don't believe me, I even have the following bumper sticker on the back of my car:
Anyway, I'm getting off topic here, back to the real issue at hand. Here is my advice to anyone that feels like they may be in danger of becoming the crazy cat lady: embrace it, don't fight it! If you are frustrated in your singlehood, don't dispair... cats are much more interesting. Cats are independent. Cats are smart. Cats are aloof yet they can be very affectionate when they want to be. When you think about it, cats make a way better partner than any woman. There's never any drama, you can wear whatever you want without being criticized, you'll never "gain too much weight" or worry about them sleeping with their ex, and they NEVER take up too much space on the bed. Ok, this is probably not what you want to hear, and I don't blame you. If you feel as though my advice thus far is bad, don't worry, I completely agree with you. But remember, you can have your cat and eat it too. No, no, that's not it. My REAL advice to you is don't look for love, it will find you when you least expect it. I found mine on myspace and it came with cats, too!
In case you are afraid of becoming the crazy cat lady, though, here are 10 steps you can take to avoid crazy-cat-lady fate. (These were originally written by Scanner Emily, but I have slightly tweaked them)
10. Go out with every woman who asks. If you're pre-occupied with dates, whether good or bad, maybe you won't crave kitty affection so much.
9. Get a dog. (And if you have any ounce of self-respect, you'll skip #9 entirely)
8. Clean the litter box less frequently. The smell is bound to overpower that need for feline love.
7. Write a letter to the government asking the city to impose a 150% tax on pet food.
6. Move into a building that won't allow you to have cats, and sign a 10-year-lease.
5. Only date people with cat allergies (or large hungry dogs).
4. Write a biopic on "crazy cat ladies" so you can see what your future is potentially destined to be like.
3. Get pregnant. Apparently pregnant women aren't supposed to go anywhere near cat litter.
2. Avoid pet stores and "pounds on wheels" at all costs.
1. Report yourself to the ASPCA for animal abuse, so you'll be blacklisted for pet adoption.
If you still find yourself out of luck after trying these steps, give in to your inner cat-lady and call me. We'll visit the shelter on Caturday.