Heterocules: View from the Straight Male Man

The opportunity to be a voice for the straight man on a blog entitled “Lesbiatopia” was so appealing to me, that I was willing to harpoon my chances in the 2028 presidential election. Once my rivals get a look at the content of this site, and the content I hope to provide from here on out, I don’t think I’ll be getting the majority of the ever-important support from the Bible Belt states. But bringing to you, the internet Lesbian Mafia, the outlook on lesbianism from the eye of the meat eating, football watching male is something I find intriguing, if not a little bit dangerous. (A Little Bit Dangerous sounds like a 2 a.m. Cinemax movie or a John Cougar Mellancamp album, yet I digress.) But to truly understand my own personal point of view, I need you to understand a little bit of who I am, and my views on how “you people” live and operate in our little shoebox of society. Plus, we all know how “you people” like to categorize and form judgments, so to appreciate the vast knowledge I hope to bestow upon you is to know me.

These facts are non-negotiable and are part of my moral fiber, and could be a rough outline for the straight male perspective, and are not open to discussion. Any other subject is open to debate, and I can probably be swayed towards the least moral conclusion. Here we go:

• Tori Amos sucks. You’re deep. We know. So is any dumb girl who takes a picture of a chair in black and white to show that she’s “moody.” However, Ani DiFranco is underrated yet appreciated by a far greater amount of straight men than you’d think.

• We’re getting to be annoyed at the “girl who likes to make out with girls when she’s drunk” as much as you are. It’s played out, and we’ve seen it all before. We all have the internet, and we’ve seen much cooler stuff than you and your ugly friend making out to impress the boys. Making out with your friend does not make you sexually appealing to men, it just makes us want to mock you.

• From the point of view of the straight male friend of the lesbian girl: You are NOT one of the guys, and we don’t view you that way. Any guy friend of yours that says to you, “I can talk to you about stuff like that because you’re like one of my buddies” is full of crap and is probably still miffed at you for not joining the Penis Party.

• We at some point have thought “she’s not gay, she just needs the right guy.” It’s not our fault, it’s male ego. We don’t want to hurt anyone, we just don’t know any better.

• Straight guys don’t look down upon lesbians because of your choice in sexuality. Some of you, like any demographic, give the lot of you a poor misrepresentation. There is no reason that any person, be they gay, straight, blue, green, purple, or polka-dotted should not present themselves at their best. If you are a “butch” we are NOT making fun of you because you are gay. We are making fun of you because you don’t appear to be trying and leave yourself open to “she’s gay because she didn’t have a choice” jokes. (Which are obviously B.S. if you’d seen some of the girls my friends and I took home during college.)

• Women’s basketball is not entertaining. Women’s boxing is not entertaining. Women’s golf can be entertaining, if not a little threatening to the average guy who generally can’t play at all. Women’s softball isn’t bad, because you can play “find the lesbian” watching any game. Soccer in general is boring. But when that chick ripped her shirt off when she scored….yeah….that was cool.

• We don’t watch the L-Word. We just don’t. Any guy who says he watches it because “hey, it’s hot chicks and they make out” is lying to try to appear trendy and knowledgeable. Don’t worry you cult L-Word fans, the show is and will remain yours.

• And we don’t really dig the whole short hair look. It’s gotten to the point now when no straight girls are doing it, so we just consider shoulder length or less a stop sign. It’s not even sassy or different for straight girls anymore. It’s just non-existent.

And finally, the big one:

• Gay Marriage. We just don’t care. I’m sorry. I know this is a big issue for you kids but we really just don’t have that much time to worry about it while we’re all getting sent over to chase down WMDs, checking our fantasy baseball teams, waiting for the Lindsey Lohan sex tape, and basically finding new, different and exciting ways to scratch and adjust ourselves. The people that care about this issue aren’t us. It’s our fathers. They don’t like your whole marriage bit not because they’re ignorant, it’s because they’ve been taught that way. You can’t hate the bear for eating the rabbit, because that’s what he was taught his whole life. Come along one day and say “hey bear, rabbit’s are endangered and you’re ignorant if you don’t support rabbit protection. Those rabbits have a right to live and have sex with other girl rabbits” and that bear is likely to eat you. Not because he’s a dick, but because he’s a bear. Just wait for all the bear’s to die, and all you gay rabbits can get married in peace without fear of being eaten. So my point is…

Umm, at least my point was, to show you my feelings about gay marriage. But I ended up talking about bears eating small forest creatures. That made me hungry. That’s who I am. Thanks for having me, hope you enjoy my writing from here on out.


Anonymous said...

I found it to be humourous and made me want to go out and make friends with a meat eating, football watching, straight man.

WordsRock said...

Men make fascinating friends, no doubt. Welcome to the neighborhood.

dann said...

funny stuff!