I love the grocery store. I don't really know why, but it's like jazz...one the few American-made wonders we can claim as ours. Last night I found myself quite amused at the random quips and observations I made while strolling aisles of brightly-colored cereal packages and shivering at the freezing temperatures on the outer rim in the produce department. There is funny in one of the most mundane, yet exclusively American, experiences...enjoy!
1) It's time to go there when your dinner options include soy sauce, salad dressing, or mustard and ketchup.
2) I wanted grapes...those giant ones with seeds. No dice...just black and green.
3) Let's face it, Febreze is nothing but an eight dollar, bottled, olfactory crack rock. It's a trick.
4) I really, really wanted those blissful 850mg of sodium from those wonderful packages of
Ramen noodles (this is the foodular secret to staying young people) but I forgot I STILL have
yet to call the gas company to get the pilot lights re-lit. There's something unwholesome about microwaved Ramen soup.
5) That brought me to wanting Whole Foods' chicken soup. I can eat the entire quart in one sitting. MMmm, whole foods...and LESBIANS shop there...mMMmm, lesbians.
6) Carpet cleaner is a weird substance. That foam spray might be the cheapest thing on the shelf, but how much floor will that entire can clean? It's foam. Mostly air. And, psh, you can't eat that.
7) MMm, chocolate drizzled on bite-sized rice cakes. Finally, an acceptable development on rice cakes.
8) Air fresheners twin pack on sale! Which one of these can I stand to smell twice? Apple Cinnamon, Hawaiian Breeze, Clean Linen...Clean Linen. Apple Cinnamon will make me sad and homesick, Hawaiian Breeze is too non-specific and might smell like a rest-stop bathroom, but Clean Linen has that sterile, laundry-fresh promise.
9) 4 dollar guacamole probably isn't worth it. Anything made by Oreo definitely is (especially when you're riding the crimson tide and feeling dejected about the lack of grapes).
10) I'm sorry, name brands are definitely better.
11) Murphy's Law states that if your grocery bags should break the most embarrassing items shall fall out first. "Hello neighbor! Could you pass me that package of Always, With Wings?"
12) You can't buy 2 kinds of candy, DeWitt...I know you think you can because of all those times when you were little and mom and dad said no and you thought to yourself, "I can't wait until I'm older and have my own money and I'll buy all the candy I want." but that's just not being a responsible adult. It's either the Nerd's rope or the Sour Patch Kids.
13) 11 dollars is truly a good savings on a 90 dollar grocery bill.
14) I always find razors and body lotions ridiculously overpriced. We should be shaven and moisturized for cheap.
15) Clerks really like it when you assist in bagging your groceries. They'll try to tell you it isn't necessary, but do it anyway. You know, help them out.
16) Don't be lazy about returning your cart. It's a totally free and acceptable act of violence and no one is likely to hear you call your boss, your mom, the president, or that police officer who gave you a ticket a "JUNKIECRACKWHORE" over the cling-clanging of a metal shopping cart being flailed into its holding unit and shoved up the ass of another metal shopping cart.