Tongue Tied

I have NEVER in my life met someone who could fuck up a saying as well as my gorgeous girlfriend can.


I'm prepared with examples to prove my point.

I think you'll feel my pain....

Exhibit A:

April: "Heather, you are going to hell in a ham biscuit if you don't stop that!"

Heather: "Um, what? Repeat that, slowly."

April (mocking ME, repeating at a painfuly delayed rate, as if I were deaf and a slow learner): "You - will - go - to - hell - in - a - ham - biscuit if you don't stop that!"

Heather: "WOMAN...It is HELL IN A HAND BASKET! How in God's name does 'ham biscuit' even make sense?! Hell in a HAM....? I swear....you really thought that was correct didn't you?"

April (sheepishly): "I told you my mom dropped me on my head...."

Exhibt B:

April: "It doesn't matter anyway. It's like one-half of six dozen of the other kind of egg."

Heather: "um, what?"

April: "Don't give me shit. You know what I mean."

Exhibit C:

April: "I don't even know my own strength! I'm just a tough and rumbly kind of girl!"

Heather: "um, what?"

April: "I got this one right. I know I did...tough and rumbly!"

Heather: "ROUGH AND TUMBLE, April. ROUGH and TUMBLE. I swear...."

Exhibit D:

April: "She was so drunk, she was out like a log!"

Heather: "um, what?"

April: "Out like a log!"

Heather: "Out like a LIGHT, April. Like a LIGHT! How do logs go out? How? See...you don't even think about these things before you say them, do you? Like a LIGHT."

April: "Whatever. It's not like you don't KNOW what I'm saying!"

Exhibit E:

April (in a written note to our friend CJ): "Heather and I can't wait to help you celebrate your 40th! I know it'll be a great chin-dig!"

Heather (upon reading the correspondance): "um, what? April, it's a SHIN-DIG. What in the mother hell is a CHIN-dig? CHIN-dig?"

April: "Why are you always looking to bust me on these things? I swear. You just look for them. Like a needle in a hay stack! See! There. I KNOW I got that one right."

Heather: "Quick. Someone alert the media."

April: "Shut your lip."

Exhibit F:

April: "You know you love me. You do. I'm just a big golf ball."

Heather: "um, what?"

April: "Shit! GOOF Ball. I meant goof ball!"

....It's clear, she has an issue. But she's my golf ball and if we have to go to hell in a ham biscuit, at least we'll be together. And fed.

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Paula the Surf Mom said...

Well bless her little heart...

You know living here in the south I've noticed this to be common problem...
so y'all oughta not be gettin on her like that...

well gota go, the girls have me running around here tonight like a chicken with its legs cut off

GeekPornGirl said...

This post is truly funny and made me laugh out loud first thing in the morning. When I worked in the newspaper business, we had a new reporter who was filing obituaries saying there would be a "massive Christian burial" instead of "Mass of Christian Burial". Thanks for this!

drowning pisces said...

Heather... this is fantastic! LMAO!!!
(Not laughin' at ya April... Laughing with ya!) It's the little things isn't it!

Lesberita said...

Love the twisted cliches... Just be happy you aren't stuck between a rock and a harness...err, what?

dubbs said...

You shouldn't talk shit on someone just because they mess up some old saying...it's really bad karmel.

thewishfulwriter said...

OK people...my first thought - after laughing my ass off at your responses (and being a little mad that they were all funnier than my actual post) - was...ain't you sweet for trying to show April that everyone can fuck up a phrase.

but she doesn't need to feel any more comfortable than she already does butchering the common phrase.

trust me.

funny people. funny funny people.

springlady477 said...

Oh my god, see, this is what I get for reading this stuff at work! I was sitting at my desk reading this and next thing you know I couldn't contain my laughter! The funniest shit ever! How the hell did I never know you guys existed before?