I know that all of you are bright kids with a reasonable amount of common sense, so there are some things that I feel I just don't need to tell you. For example, we all know that us full figured gals should not wear horizontal stripes. We all know that tapered mom jeans should not be worn by anyone still possessing the power to dress themselves. Of course, we all know that wearing black bras under white shirts make us look like white trash whores. Apparently, however, I put too much faith in y'all, because today, out in a public place, indoors, decidedly not at a sporting event of any kind, where other people would be exposed to them on purpose, I saw these:
Bicycle shorts, people. And really, these do not even do justice the horror that I experienced, these were purple and teal and yellow. Did I mention I was inside, in an office building, surrounded by people dressed not at all like Lance Armstrong? I was dumbfounded. I have seen plenty of things that had no business being brought back in to style, such as moccasins, bell bottoms, and neon. However, bringing back spandex was sure not just beyond my comprehension. Oh, but how wrong I appear to be. For, just last night, as I drove by hipster haven American Apparel, I saw this:
I know it's hard to see, since hi, I was taking a picture of glass, but this is just one tiny piece of the PURPLE SPANDEX as far as the eye can see. I'm pretty sure I even saw some gold lame in there. Did I fall in to a five year coma during which Flashdance threw up all over the world? How is this even acceptable? Let's not even talk about how roughly fifty percent of American women (myself included) would resemble poorly stuffed sausages in anything resembling these items. I won't even mention the cons of choosing to wear something that will do its damnedest to not only accentuate, but ridiculously over exaggerates every. single. body flaw you, or even anyone standing within a 10 foot radius of you may have. BUT, I have yet to mention the most deadly consequence of spandex...CAMEL TOE.
Even The Sharon cannot escape the camel toe. She might as well do some high kicks and shout, "I'm fifty!" People, really, let's reconsider this. The return of spandex can only mean one thing: The demise of the human race as we know it. Trust me, unlike spandex, I do not over exaggerate.
Speaking of athletic wear as outerwear, can we discuss coats for a moment? I know that it won't be a thing of concern in California of a while, but let me pretend for a moment that there are actually geographic locations outside of Los Angeles. Now, let me tell you, I am very skeptical about this statement that I am about to make, but even in my skepticism, I know it can be held true: Winter wear can be cute. Shocking, I know! But hey, haven't you ever seen a girl in a well fitting pea coat? It makes me all swoony just thinking about it. Let's not even mention a well-matched striped scarf. Excuse me, I think I'm having hot flashes.
That said, what in gay hell is going on with those 90's fleece lined ski jackets that I am seeing? Do those even exist? Who even sells those anymore?
Okay, I get it, they serve their purpose on the slopes, but I have a dear friend who went on a date with that exact jacket. Let me tell you, if I was on that date, I would have never gotten past, "soy chai latte, extra cinnamon, please," because I would be rendered speechless while staring at that light blue monstrosity. I'm sorry, I had no idea that the Starbucks in Glendale held a portal to the Midwest circa January 1994. Really, should I alert someone about that? I'm sure it would save my Midwestern stepmother a lot of money on airfare.
Oh, and my tardy note about the Oscars? Ladies. Please. If you're going to wear makeup, there is really no reason to apply it with a garden trowel.