Homoscopes: Get Your Astrological Gay On

Check Out your weekly gay friendly Horoscopes right here!
- Written exclusively for Lesbiatopia by Kelly Lynch

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
This week you’re feeling the crush of the financial crisis and not sure if you have the funds to buy your costume as the other half of an Ellen and Portia on their wedding day. You’re going to have to tap into Scorpios creativity and ingenuity to find something a little more understated to represent the “sisterhood”. Why not just grab those practical pants and sneakers you have in your closet and a couple of blond wigs, it might not be exactly what you had in mind, but it will do the trick.

Famous Scorpio’s that you wish were gay
Scarlett Johanson, November 22nd 1984
Check out her hot make-out scenes with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona.


Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
This week it seems like all your dreams are clogged up in a celestial drain. Your advice this week, call Joe the plumber.

Famous Sag’s you wish were gay
Tina Turner, November 26th 1938
Yeah, she might be turning 70, but in a sick and twisted way you’d still like to have those legs wrapped around your neck.

Capricorn
December 22nd- Jan 19th
Hey Ram! There is a life outside of work! How about taking some time to smell the roses or even that new scented oil your girlfriend bought to get your mind off the job and onto, well, her. I know you’re worried about potential “down-sizing” but what’s the point of having a job if you can’t enjoy the suc-sex with your lady.

Famous Capricorn’s that you wish were gay
Pat Benetar, January 10th 1953.
You know you want to wear that head band!

Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Thing in your love life aren’t going as smoothly as usual and you just can’t understand what your doing wrong. Instead of busting out your “Emo” collection, sitting on the floor in the dark and gathering your tears in a jar, get out of your head for a minute. A good way of helping yourself is helping others with their problems. Talking to a friend about her failing “hetero marriage” might give you some insight about what you might be doing wrong in a relationship.

Famous Aquarius’s that you wish were gay
Jennifer Aniston, February 11th 1969.
Things haven’t been working out in the man department for some time now, I think its time for her to cross over to the dark (but compassionate) side and give the ladies a chance.

Pisces
February 19-March 20
This week your still not decided who you want to vote for. None of these guys feel right to you and you want to make the right decision for both your pocket and your rights. The stars are saying; “It doesn’t really matter” they all suck! It might be about that time to log onto to Hook-a-canuck.com and stake a claim in Canada.

Famous Pisces that you wish you knew were definitely gay
Queen Latifa, March 18th 1970.
Her business is her business, but it would be awesome if she just became part of the gang. It never hurts to have more street cred.

Aries
March 21-April 19
This week can get off to a rocky start, Monday, you stub your toe out of bed, Tuesday you miss the bus and then the boss is on your ass, by Wednesday you wish you were Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe you need to hide out for a few days but don’t cut off the world completely, by Thursday the stars will be shining in your favor and you’ll laugh at yourself for cursing the heavens

Famous Aries that you wish were gay
Claire Danes, April 12, 1979
You know you still have fantasies about Angela chase!


Taurus
April 20-May 20
This week, every little thing you do is magic. And that’s awesome! Keep it going by sharing all your positive energy with others and by next week you could power a whole city with all those good feelings. How’s that for going green!

Famous Bulls that you wish were gay
Uma Thurman, April 29th 1970
She’s gorgeous, smart and super talented why wouldn’t you wish she were gay. To add a little fuel to the fantasy check out Henry and June.


Gemini
May 21-June 21
You’re busy this week with family obligations, getting that new business started and your just every way miss popular. Someone in your life might be feeling a little neglected and their acting out in a really childish and selfish way. Before you let Hyde out of his cage take a moment and think about why this particular person might be acting out in this particular way. Don’t take anything personal! You know everyone wants to be around the Gemini and be part of whatever you’re doing. It’s not your fault there is a lot going on… just be sensitive and reassuring to loved ones.

Famous Gemini’s that you wish were still a little gay
Angelina Joli, June 4, 1975
Enough said

Cancer
June 22-July 22
Your calendar is booked up until February with things to do and in some cases you’re double booked. It’s okay to say no to things sometimes. I know your sister-in law really wants you to come to her candle party but honestly how are you going to fit that in between your Saturday lecture on whales at The Learning Annex and your best friend’s first acoustic set at the new bookstore downtown. You can’t be everywhere and you don’t have to be. Just say NO! (but in a really nice way).

Famous Cancer’s that you wish were gay and still around
Princess Diana, July1st 1961
What wouldn’t you give for one good romp in the palace?


Leo
July 23-August 22
You hate your job and your miserable but because of the current world wide financial crisis you afraid to quit and fulfill your dream as a naked ventriloquists. The stars say it’s your time to shine Leo so don’t let any current trends stop you from doing what makes you happy. We only live once! Go with your gut and use that noggin of yours to find the perfect way to sell your act. Remember, nothing is a bad idea.

Famous Leo’s you wish were gay
Cameron Diaz, August 30, 1972
What lady wouldn't want a little Cameron of her own.

Virgo
August 23-September 22
So what if she forgot to hang up her clothes this morning or left the living room a mess from her Sunday afternoon poker game. She’ll clean it up when she gets home. Don’t let something small put you in one of your “moods”. It won’t make anything better, if anything, it will only make things worse. If it bothers you that much just take care of whatever it is yourself and talk it out later… like hours later.

Famous Virgo’s that are awesome and probably gay, but your not sure but you think so:
Joan Jett, September 22nd 1960.
She’s just bad-ass and looks good in leather.

Libra
September 23-October 22
This week you have the insight and creative genius of Michelangelo flowing through your veins. Take advantage of it! You don’t necessarily have to paint the Sistine Chapel on your living room ceiling; buying a few body paints and having a little alone time with your favorite lady can also constitute as a work of art ( be sure to take photos).

Famous Libra’s that you wish were gay
Kate Winslet, March 18 1970
Hideous Kinky anyone?

Lesbian Homo-Scopes By Miss Clit-O for April 2008

It’s that time of the month ladies!Miss Clit-O Lesbiatopia’s very own pseudo astrologer is back to give you the guidance you need to make this the best lesbian month ever!



Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s your time of the year baby girl! There is a new growth seeking to emerge this month Aries and I’m not talking abut that cyst on your gluteus, rather the inflammation of positive energy emerging from your heart. Embrace all that is… because before you know it… it will be gone.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re determined to find practical productivity in this world; but the world is anything but practical. I suggest disposing to action as opposed to speculation or abstraction. In laymen’s terms; if the mud slinging going on between the Democratic candidates is giving you heart burn…do something about it. Please…please do something about it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Love is in the air this time around Gemini. But in order for it to happen you’re going to have to take time out from those deep conversations with yourself and strike up a conversation with an actual person. That shy girl who works in the homeopathic section of health and beauty aids at Whole Foods might be the perfect candidate.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a lot of pain in this world and you can help. Your capacity to heal others is at its height this month. Make a point to talk to that lonely dyke at the bar; she’s hurting really bad and you might just have the right words to get her off the bar stool. And while you’re helping her you might just be helping yourself (that bar gets pretty crowded and you’d like a seat wouldn’t ya’)

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Stop looking in the mirror and complaining about your insecurities! Its so boring and a total turn off… and you’re better than that. You can either do something about them or accept them. Bottom line, Own your shit!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wow! How you doing Virgo? A lot has changed in the last couple of weeks and your wondering how in the hell your going to deal. Even the cosmos doesn’t know how everything is going to turn out. It all has to do with how you cope with adversity.

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22)
Stop giving mixed signals! You’re like watching an episode of Tila Tequila. Libra’s are supposed to be all about balance, harmony, and love and you’re never going to achieve the of beauty of self-completion if you keep on playing games.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21)
Hey busy beaver. You’ve been all over the place lately and would give your left mammary gland for a clone. I would love to say that things are going to calm down but it’s not in the stars right now. All this hard work will pay off! You just need something to keep the momentum going. Try drinking a dozen egg yolks and going for a run. I guarantee that when you look behind you you’ll discover you have a sea of people that believe in you; and that’s just what you need. It’s the eye of the tiger baby!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hey Goonie, how’s the quest to find One-Eyed Willies secret stash. The reward at the end is sweet but remember it’s not about the treasure itself; it’s about the journey that leads to self discovery… and of course saving the Goon Docks.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Its one thing to be self disciplined but it’s another to strap on a metal cilice and flog yourself when you fall off the wagon. I know you want to look good for all the pool parties this summer but its okay to eat a carb once in a while. Live a little and have a piece of cake if you want; just don’t eat the whole cake…know what I mean.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18)
Sometimes it’s hard being you, but you have to stop comparing yourself to those who lack individuality and a sense of self. Where others will follow the standard recipe you find yourself throwing it out the window and creating something that nobody ever dreamed. Not everyone is going to want to eat Robutussen flavored brownies but then again you might meet a lady that suffers from chronic flew like symptoms that loves chocolate. The brownies and YOU might just be the thing she’s been looking for.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Last month was just magical. You were flying high on Falkore making your way through Fantasia. How lucky were you to remove yourself from the mundane and transcend to that mystical place you thought only existed in your dreams. But this month reality shows its ugly face and you find yourself at a standstill. The childlike empress is ill and you have to find the human child and defeat the Nothing in order to save her! Don’t give up! All she needs is a name.

Lesbian Homo-scopes By Miss Clit-0

Life has its ups and downs and without the right guidance you can find yourself in an unfurnished apartment sitting on an old pizza box scraping your arms with a box cutter. Luckily life doesn’t have to be so drab!

Miss Clit-O a world un-famous pseudo astrologer is here to help! She has combed the lesbian cosmos to bring you the encouraging words you need just to get by.



Pisces- Feb 19th- March 20th You’ve been searching the cosmos for the answers your soul desperately needs. Instead of following in the footsteps of the Dali Lama why not pick up a James Brown CD or Jam out to some Aretha Franklin. Those mother fuckers really know soul. On the good foot bitches!

Aries March 21st - April 20th You’ve been so stressed out lately that your temper has been getting the better of you…Its time for you to take a chill pill. So throw on your favorite flannel, get out your coupon book and spend a little quality time with the one that you dominate. Life is way too short to write nasty letters to the Cheese Cake Factory home office because your fries were a little too salty.

Taurus April 21st - May 21st Taurus you’re known to be a little inflexible at times. This month you should start a yoga class. Maybe by June you’ll be a little more limber and you and your partner can master that backwards cowboy you’ve been working on. Giddy up!

Gemini May 22nd- June 21st Hey girls! I know you’ve been feeling a little restless lately and you’ve been dying to do something different. Instead of going off to Bali for a retreat to add a little pizzazz to the mundane just treat yourself to a little something that you and your woman can enjoy. I heard ball-gags are all the new rage! If you happen to have a video camera and some leather chaps you might just have all the new excitement that you need.

Cancer June 22nd- July 22nd With all those late nights watching forensic files you’ve been feeling less than secure these days. Why not utilize that Home Depot gift card your parents got you for Christmas and install a home security system. You’ll feel a bit safer while you cozy up with your favorite butch for that two hour court TV special on serial killers.

Leo July 23rd- August 23rd Hey my little lionesses! I know you’ve been dreaming about the day you get accosted by Gary Busey on the red carpet, but its just not your time. To satisfy those pipe dreams you should get with a gaggle of your girl friends and have a karaoke night out. You’ll be the Belle of the dyke bar as you bust out “Come to my Window” to starving Melissa Ethridge fans.

Virgo August 24th- September 22nd Hey Virgo, you’ve been a little tight with the man wallet lately. It’s not the end of the world to splurge on something frivolous. Miss Clit-o knows you’ve been drooling over that poster of Jackie Warner in the Curves locker room. It’ll be worth it for you to make the purchase. Just make sure you get a nice glass or plastic cover for it (paper tends to dissolve when you lick it).

Libra September 23rd- October 23rd Last month was a hard one and you’re feeling all out of sorts. Just remember everything happens for a reason and eventually things will balance out. Instead staying home and watching Fried Green Tomatoes over and over again hit the local watering hole and strike up a conversation with the nearest Drag Queen. They always have the best anecdotes that help make light of heavy situations.

Scorpio October 24th- November 22nd You’ve been so busy lately that even your vibrator is feeling the repercussions. You need to take your head out of the job and get it into something…else. It’ll do you good to put on that sexy black dress (or your favorite turtle neck.. whatever floats your boat)and go out and get crazy. It’s a shame to let your sexual prowess go to waste… and the scene is a little boring without a mysterious Scorpio on the prowl. Sagittarius

November 23rd- December 21st I know that your really excited because your new Encyclopedia Britannica came with a virtual DVD of the Solar system, but you’re really boring your girlfriend. It’s time for you to get your nose out of the books and begin exploring her universe. I bet she knows a place where you can find a three dimensional model of Orion’s Belt.

Capricorn December 22nd- January 20th You are a superstar! Not in that Mary Kathryn Gallagher sort of way; your kind of like the Angelina of you local dyke community. All that hard work has really paid off and you’re finally getting the recognition that you deserve. Its great to be able to take time to bask in the sunlight of your success but don’t be blinded by it. Put on a pair of shades so you can see what’s going on around you. Aquarius

January 21st-February 18th Hey! Why have you been so cranky lately? Did someone steal your Jon Benet Ramsey murder case trading cards? Don’t fret so much. Whatever you lost let it be lost and if you’re meant to have it, you will. Anyway, you’ll find something else that tickles your eccentricities in due time.