Thoughts on Life: Expectations

Expectations. We all have them, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. The unfortunate downside to expectations is that they ultimately lead to either fulfillment or disappointment. Is it possible to avoid the disappointment aspect of expectation, or is that inevitable? Is it feasible to adopt a life philosophy where one can expect nothing, and in return receive everything by the very irony of having no expectations? There is constant potential in our everyday life. We expect people to return our calls, to follow through with plans, to treat us with respect, to be honest, caring, loving, truthful, consistent in their behaviors, and so much more. I could spend all day listing the inadvertent number of expectations that we subject ourselves to on a daily basis. It is seemingly impossible for every single person or situation to live up to ones expectations, no matter how insignificant they might be. Whether we are knowingly aware of it or not, we are let down.

We also create expectations for ourselves. We produce the same high standards for ourselves that we do for others, and more often than not, those self-imposed standards are even higher. Do you think it is possible that each and every let-down we encounter is the result of our own personal dissatisfaction? For example; a friend not calling back is only a reminder of the time you forgot to call someone else back or finding out someone wasn’t truthful is recognizant of your own shortcomings of honesty. Is every expectation ultimately a reflection of our own desire to be a better a person and the constant struggle we have in doing so? If we didn’t have any expectations of ourselves, would we still be let down by external situations?

Having expectations is not necessarily a negative thing; it promotes positivity, ambition and most importantly, hope. Unfortunately, it is the way we deal with our expectations that can ultimately lead to our downfall. We have several options. We can become emotionally closed off to them, thus avoiding any hurt or disappointment that comes with a lack of fulfillment or we can be overly eager and anticipatory thus being exceedingly let down or constantly disappointed when they aren’t fulfilled. We can also adopt a happy medium between those two extremes, understanding that not every expectation will lead to satisfactory results and thus avoiding the inevitable dissatisfaction that comes with them. I used to always say “If you expect nothing, you will never be let down, yet always pleasantly surprised.” As idealistic as this saying seems, I have found it is extremely difficult to live by and requires severe self-discipline and strength of mind. We want to expect only the best from people and from ourselves. We want to have faith that there is an abundance of honesty, love, hope and authenticity in the world. We want to see the good in ourselves and in humanity because to do so will bring forth peace of mind and eventually, enlightenment.

I see myself everyday being affected by my own expectations. There are constantly inconsistencies in my personal relationships, work, life, love, and everything in between. Because I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, I find myself constantly feeling disappointment from others, but more importantly, from myself. It’s a vicious cycle of wanting to release all expectations yet struggling to let go. There’s a certain high that comes from the fulfillment of expectations which virtually overcomes the disappointment aspect. Yet when I find myself giving 200% in my relationships and feeling like I’m only receiving less than 100% in return, it’s hard not to take that to heart, to feel let down and maybe even a bit resentful. It is certainly a cross to bear and one that will probably plague me for many years until I can learn to expect nothing. To reach the point of zero expectation, is to open the door to all possibility, learning from ones mistakes and the mistakes of others and using those lessons as a purveyor for personal growth and emotional development. In the end, this will hopefully lead to the attainment of peace of mind that we’ve all been searching for all along.

Through the Looking Glass: Personal Integrity

Personal Integrity, I never gave it much thought, as it is difficult enough to get by on my own, never mind worry about how I come across to others. Its quite liberating to say to one’s self “I don’t care what you think about me” and to go about life free of judgment, however there is a fine line between lifting social anxiety and smothering one’s self in egocentric selfishness. I have seen the path of “healing oneself” trample loved ones on the way, and I wonder how heightened spiritual awareness becomes an excuse for treating others as only by-products of one’s life. Quite often friends become secondary characters placed on the earth for the sole purpose of teaching the “enlightened” one lessons. Although freeing oneself from the personal drama that enslaves us does produce ample amounts of growth, it’s dangerously self centered and borderline narcissistic when “I” devalues “we”.



On the opposite end of the spectrum are the grace giving martyrs who place
universal love and devotion before personal well-being, giving forgiveness before understanding, all in the name of some supreme being. “We”becomes more valuable than “I” and quite often “I” is unable to survive by itself. However, it is a lot easier to place a codependent personality in the hands of mindless theology, where one is not responsible for facing any form of direct confrontation. “I forgive you so I don’t have to hold you accountable and while I give you mercy, I am at your mercy). Whenever I think of this dynamic I picture a small, frail person in a row boat, facing a storm but rather than row as fast as possible out of danger, he or she drops the oars to pray for safety.

Then there are those who have spent many of hours on a couch, and can recite psychological scripture forbade. Freud

unlocks the mysteries to one’s manipulative, unhealthy actions, and links the inner drive to childhood experiences. Somehow, an action occurring in the present doesn’t have to be owned, if a parent, teacher, or sibling bought it decades ago. Although psychology helps us understand the hows and whys of our own personal development, ownership for those actions must take place somewhere to complete the learning model. What we learn in a counseling session can teach us about ourselves, how we work and communicate with others, but those lesson are never an excuse for the patterns we are responsible for breaking now.

I believe that the reason personal integrity is so difficult to achieve is that it is the very phrase that holds us accountable for our own actions. How many times do we take ownership for our words, and actions? How many times do we truly feel like we have control over our feelings, emotions, thoughts and life? We as humans seek control every day in our relationships, during work, while driving, in phone conversations and yet the last person we try to control our ourselves. Ironically, if we were able to take responsibility for ourselves, our lives would almost instantly fall into place.


I would like to end this article with an excerpt from the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path to Enlightenment. It gives an outline of the steps needed in order to better personal integrity and in turn, better oneself.

1. Right View-Enhance one’s mind, explore ones world, gain wisdom
2. Right Intention- means resistance to the pull of desire, resistance to feelings of anger and aversion not to think or act cruelly, violently, or aggressively, and to develop compassion
3. Right Speech-not to tell deliberate lies, abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others, abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth, speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary
4. Right Action-Take responsibility for one’s actions, refrain from committing wrongdoings
5. Right Livelihood- Choose a profession that supports one’s spiritual path, choose a noble profession
6. Right Effort-Mental energy is the force behind right effort. The same type of energy that fuels, envy, aggression, and violence can on the other side fuel self-discipline, honesty, benevolence, and kindness. Make the effort to choose the latter.
7. Right Mindfulness-Get control of ones emotions. It is the mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness
8. Right Concentration- Controlling one’s own life through meditation and positive mindset.

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