On the Role of Lesbian Girl [space] Friends

There's a phrase I've heard over and over in the lesbian community, that seems to be the underlying reason for everything we do: "We're lesbians. It's complicated." Whether it be moving in together, sleeping with our exes, or the rampant gossip among our circles of friends, we lesbians seem to be rife with drama. There are times when I embrace this as merely a side-effect of massive amounts of estrogen, but lately I've been thinking that sometimes the drama overpowers common sense and reason.

Here's the thing that I think we forget: NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A POTENTIAL DATE. Read that line again.

As women, we are relational creatures, and need friends in our lives. Unfortunately, both our best friends and our most passionate lovers look very much the same. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, who find friends and lovers in opposite genders, we must decipher from body language and chemistry and feelings and attraction whether a woman we meet could be a partner or a pal.

I believe that many lesbian women fall into the trap of allowing the first option to be the default. They see everyone woman as a possibility, and if it doesn't work, well, then we could be friends. This is faulty logic. It can lead to damaged friendships (or potential friendships) and heartache when we try to have relationships that we've failed to evaluate. If they had waited a little longer, gone out a few more times, they would have realized that it wasn't going to work. But now someone's broken someone's heart, it will be awkward for a while when everyone hangs out. Purely hypothetical situation, of course.

I propose an alternative. I believe that the best model is to view every woman we meet as a potential friend. This way, we will take the time to get to know her and evaluate how she best fits in our lives. Also, we wouldn't have to deal with petty jealousies - we could have friendships with women we meet, even if they have girlfriends! I also think that it will open more people to friendships, because there wouldn't be that awkward she likes me, but I don't like her... does she think this is a date or are we just friends? Granted, that's also due to lack of communication in the lesbian dating process. But that's an article for another time.

The best result of this approach is that the relationship which due flourish will be that much stronger because they originated as friendships. I heard a quote a long time ago that I've used often but never properly attributed (because I don't know who originally said it), but it's become one of my favorites: "Love is friendship on fire." The best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship. Passion waxes and wanes, but the stability of the trust, respect, and love of a friendship will keep us strong through the hard times.

It can be hard to change our mentalities, especially when we're single. I would encourage each of us, though, to pay attention to our reactions when we meet new women. Do you scope them out and immediately rate them as a potential partner? I know I do sometimes. If you're like me, let's start thinking more about the friendships that we can develop with other lesbian women. As we develop a network of friends who truly care about us and love us, we will have a built-in support group that can help us through any storm life (and drama!) may bring us.

Thoughts on Life: Expectations

Expectations. We all have them, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. The unfortunate downside to expectations is that they ultimately lead to either fulfillment or disappointment. Is it possible to avoid the disappointment aspect of expectation, or is that inevitable? Is it feasible to adopt a life philosophy where one can expect nothing, and in return receive everything by the very irony of having no expectations? There is constant potential in our everyday life. We expect people to return our calls, to follow through with plans, to treat us with respect, to be honest, caring, loving, truthful, consistent in their behaviors, and so much more. I could spend all day listing the inadvertent number of expectations that we subject ourselves to on a daily basis. It is seemingly impossible for every single person or situation to live up to ones expectations, no matter how insignificant they might be. Whether we are knowingly aware of it or not, we are let down.

We also create expectations for ourselves. We produce the same high standards for ourselves that we do for others, and more often than not, those self-imposed standards are even higher. Do you think it is possible that each and every let-down we encounter is the result of our own personal dissatisfaction? For example; a friend not calling back is only a reminder of the time you forgot to call someone else back or finding out someone wasn’t truthful is recognizant of your own shortcomings of honesty. Is every expectation ultimately a reflection of our own desire to be a better a person and the constant struggle we have in doing so? If we didn’t have any expectations of ourselves, would we still be let down by external situations?

Having expectations is not necessarily a negative thing; it promotes positivity, ambition and most importantly, hope. Unfortunately, it is the way we deal with our expectations that can ultimately lead to our downfall. We have several options. We can become emotionally closed off to them, thus avoiding any hurt or disappointment that comes with a lack of fulfillment or we can be overly eager and anticipatory thus being exceedingly let down or constantly disappointed when they aren’t fulfilled. We can also adopt a happy medium between those two extremes, understanding that not every expectation will lead to satisfactory results and thus avoiding the inevitable dissatisfaction that comes with them. I used to always say “If you expect nothing, you will never be let down, yet always pleasantly surprised.” As idealistic as this saying seems, I have found it is extremely difficult to live by and requires severe self-discipline and strength of mind. We want to expect only the best from people and from ourselves. We want to have faith that there is an abundance of honesty, love, hope and authenticity in the world. We want to see the good in ourselves and in humanity because to do so will bring forth peace of mind and eventually, enlightenment.

I see myself everyday being affected by my own expectations. There are constantly inconsistencies in my personal relationships, work, life, love, and everything in between. Because I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, I find myself constantly feeling disappointment from others, but more importantly, from myself. It’s a vicious cycle of wanting to release all expectations yet struggling to let go. There’s a certain high that comes from the fulfillment of expectations which virtually overcomes the disappointment aspect. Yet when I find myself giving 200% in my relationships and feeling like I’m only receiving less than 100% in return, it’s hard not to take that to heart, to feel let down and maybe even a bit resentful. It is certainly a cross to bear and one that will probably plague me for many years until I can learn to expect nothing. To reach the point of zero expectation, is to open the door to all possibility, learning from ones mistakes and the mistakes of others and using those lessons as a purveyor for personal growth and emotional development. In the end, this will hopefully lead to the attainment of peace of mind that we’ve all been searching for all along.

A Love Story In The Face of Hate

As a writer, and as a person, I am constantly looking for inspiration. I didn't have to look very far once I met, and was lucky enough, to befriend Suzanne Moe.

I met her through my girlfriend April - and at once, I was struck by how humble this dynamic and talented artist is. The more I learned about how she came to film her first documentary about a lesbian couple fleeing hate legislation, the more I realized she HERSELF had a story to tell.



I pitched the idea and Suzanne, the couple profiled in the film, and numerous other people involved with the documentary agreed to be interviewed. As I collected all my notes and began writing, I had no idea when or if the article would be published. I simply hoped that someone would see the value in Suzanne's determination to tell this powerful story. Curve magazine did. They published my article in October of last year and the response was incredible.

I'm posting the article I wrote below because this story does not have a shelf life. States are still trying to pass hate legislation against same sex couples and this film is a tool that has been used, and should continue to be used, as a tool to fight back.

I stand in awe of Suzanne and her message that every person has not only a right to demand change, but the ability to do something about it.

Heather (aka the wishful writer)


(Photo 2007 Suzanne Carr Rossi, The Free Lance-Star)

Suzanne Moe is a tattoo artist known for leaving memorable, lasting impressions on skin. She never planned on becoming a documentary filmmaker responsible for leaving her mark on the LGBT community, much less on the Constitution.

Despite the fact that Barbara and Tibby: A Love Story in the Face of Hate is shot with a small hand held camera, little lighting and zero sound equipment, Moe's documentary is quickly becoming recognized as the go-to educational piece for any state confronted with legislation prohibiting civil unions, partnership contracts or other arrangements between persons of the same sex purporting to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage.

In Virginia, Moe's state of residence, it's the Marshall/Newman Amendment that sought to change the Constitution this past November, attempting to strip not just gay rights, but human rights. Her rise to political activist and Vote NO mouthpiece began with an e-mail from her friend Barbara, explaining that she and her partner of 40 years, Tibby, were moving to Maryland so as not to become the test case should the amendment pass. They had reason to fear, as Barbara had just been diagnosed with a brain aneurysm and her health was fragile. After four decades of loving and living, they weren't willing to risk having their medical directives, wills, finances and other contractual agreements deemed null and void.

"That e-mail twisted me," Moe says. "I printed it and carried it around in my back pocket for three days. I read and re-read it. These women were pillars in my community and they were being run out of town. I became so angry I started shaking. I knew time was of the essence and as an artist, creating for a purpose that matters to me is integral to who I am."

Moe approached a weary and semi-closeted Barbara and Tibby with a proposal. Although she'd never worked with a camera, she wanted to tell their story, via video, to their church congregation so at least the people who cared about them most would know the truth about why they were leaving. Barbara and Tibby contemplated it for some time before agreeing to let Moe videotape them. They were scared, to be sure, but the video was to be shown just one time. They found some comfort in that.

"I started to tremble as I was filming them talk about their life together," Moe says. "I knew it was good and compelling. These women are completely non-threatening and relatable. At the time, I truly believed this video would only be seen one night, but I knew those who saw it would realize how special this story was and how important it would be to vote no."

Moe spent the next two months learning the software and editing the video. It debuted to 200 people, mostly straight, and concluded with a standing ovation and several "now I get it" revelations. Barbara and Tibby were blown away by the response. That one showing led to thousands of screenings at churches--it also premiered at an HRC function, was used as a tool in a law school and was the focus of hundreds of viewing parties across the country. Thanks to this documentary, people from all walks of life are becoming educated on the veiled wording of these types of amendments and learning how it affects all unmarried people, regardless of sexual preference.

"This documentary took off not because it's technically wonderful, but because it's the first piece of media telling this story," Moe says. "I was aware of my ignorance, and I didn't let it stop me. Sure, someone could have told it better, or made it look slicker, but the truth was nobody was doing it."

Although the amendment passed in her home state of Virginia, Moe refuses to be defeated. She had no aspirations of becoming a lesbian ambassador, but now that she is one, she's speaking out not only about the damning legislation, but also about the power one individual has to become an agent for change.

Suzanne Moe is proof you don't have to know what you are doing, you just have to know why.

To see a clip of Barbara and Tibby: Love in the Face of Hate or to get information about hosting your own viewing party, visit sumoe.com.

The Enlightened Dyke: On Overcoming Fear

I spent some time on the beach the other day, just listening to the water and watching it crash over the rocks, thinking and meditating. The issue on my mind was heavy: my never-ending cycles of bad habits. I wanted to figure out why I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. I wanted to understand why I screw up so often, why I get so tongue-tied and stupid, why I can't figure out what I want, why I put myself in the same dead-end situation time and time again. For someone who knows so much about learning, why does it seem that I'm not learning from my experiences?



I decided that I am kind of like that rock. You know, the one that stands a couple of feet out into the water where the waves crash? It makes for a beautiful picture, and, I think, an appropriate metaphor. I am a firmly, deeply, rooted rock. I know that I am strong! Fierce storms and hurricanes and tidal waves and tsunamis have all hit this beach, but my roots go deep and I always come out standing tall.

The thing is, even though I know this truth, there is still a little part of me, deep down, that gets scared and thinks, with each approaching wave, Will this be the one to take me down?

Observing from the outside, it seems like an absurd phenomenon. I mean, I've survived 20-foot tidal waves! The Category 5 hurricane beat me and bruised me but in the end I remained. No crash, however big, or high, or strong, or fast, has been able to take me out. Why would I fear this tiny crest? But to that small part inside, it is a legitimate threat, and it's scary.

The challenge, then, is to look from the outside. If I only focus on the inside, all I will see is the fear. But, if I can step outside myself and recognize the bigger picture, perhaps then I will have the strength to act in spite of it. For that is true courage. Not the absence of fear, but the ability to recognize it and still move forward.

As the sun set, I came to the conclusion that I do not want to let fear control me. It will take all the life and joy out of me if I do. Sure, sometimes life hurts. But if I held back every time something in my life scared me, or held the possibility of hurt, I wouldn't have much of a life at all. And that is not what I want. I want to feel the rush of confidence when I conquer something new. I want to make memories. I want to move mountains. I want to try everything once. Because if I listened to my own advice, I would realize that I'll never know what could be if I never try, and if I never try, I'll always wonder. I don't want to have to sit at the end of my life and wonder what it might have been like. I want to know. And even if it does hurt, I know that I will come out standing, as always, grateful for the experience.

Through the Looking Glass: Personal Integrity

Personal Integrity, I never gave it much thought, as it is difficult enough to get by on my own, never mind worry about how I come across to others. Its quite liberating to say to one’s self “I don’t care what you think about me” and to go about life free of judgment, however there is a fine line between lifting social anxiety and smothering one’s self in egocentric selfishness. I have seen the path of “healing oneself” trample loved ones on the way, and I wonder how heightened spiritual awareness becomes an excuse for treating others as only by-products of one’s life. Quite often friends become secondary characters placed on the earth for the sole purpose of teaching the “enlightened” one lessons. Although freeing oneself from the personal drama that enslaves us does produce ample amounts of growth, it’s dangerously self centered and borderline narcissistic when “I” devalues “we”.



On the opposite end of the spectrum are the grace giving martyrs who place
universal love and devotion before personal well-being, giving forgiveness before understanding, all in the name of some supreme being. “We”becomes more valuable than “I” and quite often “I” is unable to survive by itself. However, it is a lot easier to place a codependent personality in the hands of mindless theology, where one is not responsible for facing any form of direct confrontation. “I forgive you so I don’t have to hold you accountable and while I give you mercy, I am at your mercy). Whenever I think of this dynamic I picture a small, frail person in a row boat, facing a storm but rather than row as fast as possible out of danger, he or she drops the oars to pray for safety.

Then there are those who have spent many of hours on a couch, and can recite psychological scripture forbade. Freud

unlocks the mysteries to one’s manipulative, unhealthy actions, and links the inner drive to childhood experiences. Somehow, an action occurring in the present doesn’t have to be owned, if a parent, teacher, or sibling bought it decades ago. Although psychology helps us understand the hows and whys of our own personal development, ownership for those actions must take place somewhere to complete the learning model. What we learn in a counseling session can teach us about ourselves, how we work and communicate with others, but those lesson are never an excuse for the patterns we are responsible for breaking now.

I believe that the reason personal integrity is so difficult to achieve is that it is the very phrase that holds us accountable for our own actions. How many times do we take ownership for our words, and actions? How many times do we truly feel like we have control over our feelings, emotions, thoughts and life? We as humans seek control every day in our relationships, during work, while driving, in phone conversations and yet the last person we try to control our ourselves. Ironically, if we were able to take responsibility for ourselves, our lives would almost instantly fall into place.


I would like to end this article with an excerpt from the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path to Enlightenment. It gives an outline of the steps needed in order to better personal integrity and in turn, better oneself.

1. Right View-Enhance one’s mind, explore ones world, gain wisdom
2. Right Intention- means resistance to the pull of desire, resistance to feelings of anger and aversion not to think or act cruelly, violently, or aggressively, and to develop compassion
3. Right Speech-not to tell deliberate lies, abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others, abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth, speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary
4. Right Action-Take responsibility for one’s actions, refrain from committing wrongdoings
5. Right Livelihood- Choose a profession that supports one’s spiritual path, choose a noble profession
6. Right Effort-Mental energy is the force behind right effort. The same type of energy that fuels, envy, aggression, and violence can on the other side fuel self-discipline, honesty, benevolence, and kindness. Make the effort to choose the latter.
7. Right Mindfulness-Get control of ones emotions. It is the mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness
8. Right Concentration- Controlling one’s own life through meditation and positive mindset.

For more articles like this, check out my blog Amethyst Discoveries

The Enlightened Dyke: Welcome To Class

You may not know it, but you're still in school. Every day you are presented with lessons, information, and opportunities for growth and change hidden inside your day-to-day experiences. Some of you, like you did in college, sleep through many of these. Others, again in collegiate form, are too drunk to take it in. And some of you, for some reason or another, just don't think you have any more learning to do, either because you've learned it all already (prideful, are we?) or because you don't think you can learn or change.


This is where I come in. I am a teacher. I take ideas and information and lessons that need to be learned, and transform them into something captivating. I open other people's eyes to new thoughts and possibilities, allowing them to learn truth for themselves. I don't profess to know everything; on the contrary, I know there is much more out there for me to learn. What makes me The Professor is my ability to engage others in thinking, learning, and growth. For like the trees in this picture, when we stop growing, we die.

Naturally, there will be times when we disagree. This is because, as my dear friend Lesberita says, everything is relative. Nonetheless, as long as I have inspired you to think, to process, and to more clearly define what you know and believe, I have succeeded.

This brings me to my first lesson. Success. It means different things to each of us. Are you succeeding in your life? I believe the only way to succeed at anything is to know what you're going after. Do you have goals for your life? Have you written them down? Never underestimate the power of the written word. When you write things down, you are showing yourself that you take it seriously. And shouldn't your goals for life be something you take seriously?

If it seems overwhelming, you don't need to think about everything you want to do with your entire life. I think it's important to have short and long term goals. It's also important to think about the many layers of yourself, not just your career. For example, here is a short excerpt of my life goals:

• Get out of debt.
• Learn to play piano.
  
• Run a marathon.
• Develop at least three lifelong friends.
  

As you can see, the things I want out of my life involve every aspect of my person, not just my career. It's important to think about "being successful" as applying to more than just your professional life. Your physical, emotional, financial, relational, and spiritual sides of your life also deserve your attention.

Your homework for today: Make a to-do list for your life. Use an old notebook, a journal, or even a new Word file. Think about the many areas of your life that you want to develop. It can major milestones, or simple achievements. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks; this is between you and yourself. Then, once you've written them down, pick one or two that you want to focus on. Go after them! You'll never know if you don't try. And if you don't try, you'll always wonder.

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