6/9/08

What Do You Do?

The pain I feel today is nothing new. I’ve always been subjected to it, always knew it was there. It’s not the pain of losing a loved one, or a physical pain.

It’s the pain of acceptance. Accepting your mother may not love you.

Don’t think it’s because I’m lesbian that she doesn’t love me. No, it actually started way before that. Probably when I was a child, but I can’t pinpoint anything specific. At least, not until I became an adult. For some strange reason, my mother gossips.She doesn’t care who she hurts, doesn’t care what she says. She just does.She’s been doing it so long, that she probably doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it.

The gossiping I could probably stand, it’s just the pretending that grinds my gears. I mean, why do you pretend to like me, invite me and my lover over, only to turn around and talk about me, my lover, my ‘lifestyle’ (for lack of a better word) with disdain to of all people, my children? Why do you speak badly of me to my children and not think they are going to tell me? She even talks about me to friends, other family members, etc.

I don’t know when this all started or why. I just know that my mother has a unique talent for alienating people from her life. She will behave one way in your presence, and do the exact opposite when she is away from you. My partner thought it was because we are lesbian, but I had to enlighten her; no, dear this has been going on all my adult life. Being a lesbian doesn't have a thing to do with it.

My mother is so bad with her hurtful words that she used to say bad things about me to my son. My son is now deceased due to an illness. But it used to tear him apart to hear his grandmother spread lies and say terrible things about his mother. His blood pressure would shoot up and he would be ill the next couple of days trying to defend my honor.

I am 47 years old now, and have accomplished more in my lifetime than almost anyone in my family. I’m not saying I am the most successful person, but I am certainly a leader. Being one of the eldest grandchildren, many of my cousins look up to me. They respect my knowledge and the type of woman I am, the type of person I’ve become. And they don’t treat me any different, accepting that I am still the same person as I was before I came out.

Yet, my mother is the source of emotional pain. Pain that I am determined to keep from my daily life.

You see, my partner and I are happy. We’re happy when we’re broke, happy when we have money, happy just damn happy. We are blessed, believe in the Lord, worship him and have our health. Most of all we have loving, fun, positive friends who are more than supportive of us.

Sometimes I just don’t get it. Its not like I’ve been on America’s Most Wanted, or I have been a slut or a whore, never. Always the good girl, the kid everyone wished they had. Except my mother.

I just had to get this off my chest. I don’t know who else has these kinds of problems.I pray daily for peace, and the Lord is good about giving it to us. My partner and I have our love, and it is a true love. Maybe my mother is jealous of that.

Even when I was married to my kids’ father, she had something to contribute. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abusive. He used to beat me for breakfast, lunch and dinner.Yet I had no one to turn to. When I tried to turn to my mother for help, she was supportive in the fact that she said she was going to have someone beat my ex-husband to a pulp. But, it seemed after that initial conversation, my mother saw fit to get on the telephone and tell everyone in the family “how dumb” I was and that “she doesn’t know where I got that from, letting a man jump on me.” She even thought she was helping by spreading rumors throughout the family that I was seeing another man. And that each time I left my ex, I was seeing this imaginary lover. Well, my ex heard about it, and I got my ass beat even more. To this day she denies it.

All in all, I forgave her for that, even forgave her for not speaking to me for 7 months while carrying my first child (my son who is now deceased). If it had not of been for my grandmother (her mother) she probably wouldn’t have spoken to me then even though we were living in the same house. Now, my mother proclaims my son was her favorite. I don't doubt it, but you didn't even want me to have him. Go figure.

As a child I was always jealous and a little envious of the relationship my girlfriends had with their moms. Secretly wishing mine was that way too. After awhile I gave up on that dream, it wasn’t going to happen.

Have I ever tried talking to my mother about her behavior and the things she says? Probably close to 100 times. Each time she denies it, gets angry, and the cycle starts all over again. She tries to make me think I am imagining things. To be honest with you, if I were a kid growing up today dealing with this kind of stuff, I’d probably be on the news for a crime against my parent.

However, I chose God.I chose the Holy One because I didn’t have anyone else. No one on this earth could tell me why my mother mistreats me. Its emotional abuse for sure, I know. I didn’t’ choose Abnormal Psychology as a 2nd major just to waste time. No, I knew there were problems, that I didn’t have answers for. Back then I was still trying to find a solution.

But today, is different. I am older now, wiser. And I know that life is not lived without some pain. And that it’s not about the pain but how you deal with it.

One of the first things I did when my mother’s gossip tried to force its way into my life was to reach for my Bible. But before then, I prayed. Got into the shower, used my Grapefruit scented shower gel and washed all the crap down the drain.

Then I came in here to write.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Whenever something hurts me or bothers me, I write. I let it out. My partner of 7 years doesn’t deserve anything from me but my best, because she is more than that to me. My partner is my best friend, my lover, confidante and the person who thinks my corny jokes are the funniest things she’s heard in her life, even though I know they are not always funny.

Yet, it seems to me that my mother is not happy with the choices she has made or continues to make in her life. Maybe she wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is. This story has so much more to tell, but I won’t bore you.I am going to continue to live my life, enjoy my life, being prayerful and hope and pray that my mother changes her ways before it is too late.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a mother just like yours. It seems they love to see you hurt. They love to feel that one of their own has been shunned from the family because of lies they have spread. It hurts me, actually. I think that because of this torture I am the way that I am. Bitter, mean, on the defensive at all times. I can agree with you that even though you confront mom it won't do much good. God knows I've tried. Recently during an argument, she said I was dead to her. I am and always have been...I see that now. But, it hurts. It truly hurts.

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