Lesbians and Motherhood: "Birth" A play by Karen Brody

By Cynthia Rodriguez

Just the mere thought of bearing children makes my uterus scream. As far as I can remember, I have NEVER wanted to have my own children. I'm talking about having that whole production going on physically inside me for almost a year, and then POP, having something the size of a watermelon shimmy out of the hoo-ha. I hardly liked MYSELF as a child, much less others. I've never really felt that whatever it is that women go through with the feeling of maternal instincts, wanting to get pregnant, feeling their biological clock ticking,tick tock, tick tock, blah, ditty blah. Tick away clock! I DON'T NEED YOU. Never did.





I've been saying all this since I was a child, then a teenager. By the age of 13, I wanted to get my tubes tied. Of course, they didn't let me, and no one believed me for a LONG time. People would always say, "You are too young. Give it time. Someday, you will want children." I'd be like, "No. I don't think so." By the age of 13, I knew 3 things about myself for sure. 1- I would never have children 2- I'd be an artist someday (I knew THAT since like Kindergarten) and 3- that I was GAY (this last one I'd be in denial until my early twenties). On that note, I'd say I was pretty aware of myself, and who I was at a very young age which is rare for most people. Once the late twenties turned into the 30's, people finally began to realize that I was not kidding. As sexually active as I'd been since 19, yes, I've been with men, for me, I was lucky to never have gotten pregnant. I've always been pretty strict about the whole safer sex thing. I always got the strangest looks, and interesting reactions from people when I would tell them, not only did I not have children, but I had no interest in having them. They'd look at me like I had two heads. There was a time that I think I actually felt guilty for not feeling guilty about it. I got over that.







Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I dislike children. Not ALL of them. I won't lie. Many I DO dislike. As a matter a fact, some I just downright despise. I don't like all adults, why should I like all children? But in all actuality, I've always been great around kids. I seem to have the same effect with kids, as I do with animals. They are both drawn to me for some reason. I believe children sense the big kid in me that I am, and animals, people's pets and so on feel a connection to me as well. What I like to think is my "animal magnetism".




But that's just me. But just for the record, I absolutely don't have anything against parenthood, or any woman who decides to pay a visit to the mother-hood. Of course, as it eventually happens, I have dated several women with children. I have played the role of temporary "step-mom" numerous times. I was even in a serious, living with her, kind of relationship with a pregnant woman. (No, it wasn't mine, and yes, I know what it feels like to have sex with a pregnant woman) I was even the Coach when the time came. I think I did quite well, too. I'm just proud that I never passed out. It was actually an amazing, beautiful experience that I will never, could never, forget. I felt that all this needed to be said, so you wouldn't think because I had made a decision long ago to be what is called "child-free", that I was completely repelled or appalled by the thought of pregnancy, or pregnant women (who I think are beautiful), or just the whole idea of motherhood, just because I chose not to do it myself. If anything, I always felt I'd be a great "Dad". I don't know if it's because I may have what many of my friends believe to be a higher testosterone level than most women which would attribute to many of my ways of thinking or whatever it is. I always felt I was more suited for that particular role.





Now enough about me, (for now). I want to talk about a play I didn't even know existed until not too long ago. Recently a friend of mine invited me to see a play she was in called "BIRTH" by KAREN BRODY (appropriately shown in May, Mother's Day month). The way she described it to me was that it was basically like the Vagina Monologues but about...birth, pregnancy, motherhood. The birth monologues. For some reason, I was instantly fascinated by the idea of that, and I knew I absolutely had to see it. For some reason, I felt like I needed to somehow get in touch with that part of my gender even though I was happily child-free. Part of that was probably from working at an abortion clinic for so long, that for a change, I wanted to hear the stories about, and be around women who actually WANTED to and chose to continue their pregnancies, at whatever time it was they did it. Of course not having to do anything with my staunch pro-choice stance.





So I walk into this YOGA center where the play was held, filled with granola crunching, berky wearing, tree hugging hippies, (not that there's anything wrong with that, I have a little bit of that in me, too)I walk in there looking like a Hot Topic goth in my black in red, and Docks, feeling completely out of my element surrounded by women lugging around their offspring in baby slings that look like they are carrying bookstore messenger bags. After a lovely pre-play reception of sushi hor'dourves, and spring water, the moment arrives. I boldly take a front seat to what I know will most likely be a somewhat uncomfortable, but educating and surprisingly very entertaining journey that will enlighten me to something I will never relate to, but hopefully come out with a better understanding. There was an informative Q&A discussion panel after the play, as well.





It was incredible. I didn't think I would get out of it as much as I did. Not only because the cast was superb, especially my friend, with their realistic, sensual, howl sounding labor pain screams that pierced your core, and at times made me both cringe, and excited me. Story after story, coming from women from very diverse backgrounds, made me appreciate the road I've never traveled, and gave me a whole new perspective into the world of motherhood. The roller-coaster of emotions, the blood, sweat, and tears, and all the phases from conception to the actual birth. Of course part of me couldn't help watch, and listen, and think almost the whole time, "OH MY GOD, WHY would anyone want to put themselves through all that?" But again, that's just me.





I learned some technical terms, including what a "birthing ball" is. Midwives, doulas, and birth pools. The importance of lactivism. Realizing that the mainstream birth business is business as usual like any other, and much of it is just plain scam. That the C-section is practically an epidemic anymore. That women aren't given enough options when it comes to their birthing options. That there ARE alternatives to what they are taught. That there is A LOT of information out there if you look for it, and organizations, groups, and resources more than willing to help you with that. And that Lesbians, too, can benefit from all this knowledge if they choose to bear children, which of course, is okay.





You have to look up local groups like in the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania there is ICAN, La Leche League, and the Midwives Alliance of Pennsylvania. And others like Empowered Birth, and BE BOLD. Check out www.boldaction.org for more information.





Did this learning experience change my mind about what I want? Um, NO. On the contrary, I'm waiting patiently for early menopause to kick in, thank you very much.

However...to all you beautiful Moms out there, blessed be.

Lesbian Movie Review: "The Kids Are All Right"

MOVIE REVIEW


BY CYNTHIA RODRIGUEZ





"THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT"

Directed by Lisa Cholodenko

Starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo



"The Kids Are All Right" is more than all right because of the outstanding acting by the above mentioned actors. Even the kids held their own. I don't think it would have been as good if it were a bunch of nobodies. I have to say it wasn't exactly what I expected though. On one hand, I think it's wonderful that a movie about Lesbian parents was able to reel in some big actors that have been in more mainstream movies. Although, at the same time I am not surprised that in order to see it, I had to go to our local indie film theatre which will usually feature the movies you know they won't show at your local mall. A lot of them end up being the "Sundance Festival" films and/or the ones you know will become an IFC cult favorite. I don't know if it's because it was opening weekend or an early Saturday afternoon, but oddly enough, there seemed to have been a significant number of senior citizens in the theatre when I walked in just in time and sat all the way at the front when the film was about to begin. I know this for a fact because even in the almost pitch black dark towards the end of the last preview, I felt like I was completed surrounded by a lot of white haired heads. I thought to myself, "Great, it's like watching a lesbian film with Grandma. Do they even know this is about LESBIANS? What are they doing here? This should be interesting. If there are any sex scenes, this is gonna feel a little awkward."



I always find it intriguing how Hollywood deals with gay. Sure, it's come a long way. See: "The Celluloid Closet" (which by the way, I watched at the same theatre.) Yes, they've gone from the ideals of us being either just a bunch of sissies, butches, and deviants, to gay-sploiting us to their advantage to the now somewhat attempts to show that we can be "normal" like everyone else, such as getting married, and having the perfect little family.


Summary: (which I'm sure you've already heard, read about, or have seen the trailer) A very long term relationship Lesbian couple raising two teenagers they each gave birth to thanks to the local sperm bank. One is the artistic, new agey "house wife" who has been trying to find her niche in employment in like forever, the other the bread-winning established professional ( A Doctor ). The 18 year old daughter is getting ready to go off to college. The son, he's like the typical 15 or 16 year old that hangs out with his prickish little friends and rides his skateboard. The son, endlessly curious about their biological father makes his sister track down their "bio-Dad" who turns out to be a motorcycle riding, carefree, lovable bachelor who runs some organic, hippie, co-op type of restaurant. Apparently meeting him is not enough. They introduce him to the rest of the family, and that's where the havoc begins. What starts as seemingly innocent get togethers, and just hanging out turns into an invasion of the estrogen controlled household he helped create that exposes the maybe not so perfect world they thought they had.


It's dificult to dislike any of the main characters in the film. Annette Bening's "Nic" is a little uptight but cool as shit. Julianne Moore's "Jules" is cute as hell, and Mark Ruffalo's slightly flawed "Paul" is the most adorable I've seen him since "13 Going On 30". In the end you just want everything to work out for all of them. There is really no "villian", which I don't think is usually the case in any film.


Now for my take on the whole thing withought doing the spoilers: I appreciate their attempt at showing that a gay couple can do it just like everybody else. Have a long time partner, have children, work, etc. And also that any marriage be it straight or gay especially after a lot of years together can have it's ups and downs, just like everybody else. What I'm a little torn on is the relationship that begins to develop between one of the Moms (Jules: Julianne Moore), and the bio-Dad Paul (Mark Ruffalo). Part of me is afraid it will perpetuate the myth that I believe many feel that all a Lesbian needs is a good man to "change her ways". I mean, I see where they are coming from but I feel people will misunderstand and not realize that in the end, when it comes to that part, it really has nothing to do with anyone's sexuality at all. It also doesn't help that there is more hetero-sex featured in the film than between the two women. Sometimes I think they do that in these types of movies so it will appeal more to the mainstream masses. I believe that as long as people are open to and comprehend that when watching the film, they can truly hold dear the lessons they can learn from the film. A lot of times I think that when people, particularly the straights watch a Lesbian themed film, that they think they will be in for some good girl on girl action. That is not always the case. Afterall, we DO have other things to do as well. It's not always about the sex. Sometimes it has nothing to do with that at all. We work and play like everyone else, but we just happen to be of that sexual orientation.


So, when people come at us with their snide remarks regarding all of the above, you can always say (my favorite line in the movie by Annette Bening), “I need your observations like I need a dick in my ass.”


Not that there is anything wrong with that. Just sayin'.

What Money Can't Buy

by: SinnerviewerMy love, Melissa, had her first relationship with a woman when she was a teenager. She and her girlfriend tried to hide it from their families but they were too in love to make it seem like just a friendship. When her parents found out, her dad grabbed her by the neck, lifted her off of the ground and, while choking her, demanded, "YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!"

She got the message. And she learned that if she was going to be loved in this world, she'd have to conform to the way the world wanted her be. She married a man, they had 2 children and she lived in misery for nearly 10 years. When she fell into a severe depression and began losing lots of weight, her family had an intervention. Her mother thought she might be on drugs and took her aside and said, "What's wrong with you?"

Melissa answered, "You know what's wrong!"

Her mom then admitted that she knew Melissa was making a mistake when she got married. Instead of just letting her be who she was, her family made her feel like the only way to be loved and accepted was to conform to be what they wanted. She tried to be what they wanted but it wasn't who she was. She felt like a failure and in the end, she divorced her husband and began living her life as herself.

Melissa recently mentioned to her sister that she was considering changing her last name to mine at some point in the future (to reflect the commitment that we have made to each other). Her sister, who still holds the belief that Melissa is not equal to her as a human being and should be denied the right to marry, was outraged and went to her father about it.

When Melissa called him to check on her father and see how he was doing, this is how the conversation went: (I got her to write this part out for you):

Dad-Hello

M- Hi Dad, hows it going?

Dad- Hiiiii! What are you up to?

M- Nothing, just checking in.

Dad- Hey, are you changing your name?

M- Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it.

Dad- If you do, you’ll be out of my will & you’ll lose 50k. God doesn’t mean for it to be that way.

M- What?

Dad- If you change your name, I’m taking you out of my will & it’s going to cost you 50k. God doesn’t want it to be that way.

M-*Two seconds of silence*

Dad- Just think about that. It’s going to cost you 50k.

M-Ooookay???

Dad- Hey I gotta go I’m at work. I’ll call you tonight to talk about this.

M- Alright. Bye.

He never did call her back and that was two weeks ago.

If Melissa was getting married to a man, this would not be an issue. Nobody would expect her to keep her ex-husband's name. But to say that "God doesn't mean for it to be that way" is such a slap in her face.

We were talking about it yesterday and she made a good observation about her dad being like my mom. They are always tying strings to money in order to control people because, frankly, they don't have the respect from their children to be an influence on their own.

The second thought I had about her dad's big announcement was that this man is trying to hold her to a standard that he isn't willing to hold himself to. From what I've learned about this man, he is a heavy drinker, sometimes given to drunkenness. He is a heavy smoker. He regularly gambles and has loan sharked in the past. He has sexual relations with his unmarried partner.
The Bible (1 Corinthians 5:11) warns us to stay away from guys like her dad:

"... you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat."

He in no way lives a sin-free life (as if anyone can) but he will never have to live in fear that his daughter will hold him up to those standards or make him jump through hoops to get her love or affection because he lives a "sinful lifestyle". She loves him for who he is, with all of his imperfections, sins and problems. He is her father and she loves him no matter what.

I doubt that God has a care in this world what Melissa's last name is. I am pretty certain, however, that God doesn't have any desire for a father to treat his daughter that way and then slap His Good Name on it as justification.

Sweet Melissa has decided, which is how she earned the nickname from me, to release her dad from giving her any inheritance and plans to just ask him for his love instead. I'll let you know if that ends up being too much for him to give.

For Our Children: Marriage, Children and Society.

"We must protect the children." That is the rallying cry of so many who oppose same-sex marriage. It is a lie designed by the Cultural Conservatives to gain acceptance by the mainstream media. And yet, these bastions of "righteousness" push a lie about how same-sex marriage harms children. Evidence, however, proves the opposite. The reality is that, as long as a child is wanted, loved and supported, they will grow up happy and healthy. Children need a stable, loving family, and it does not matter if they have two mothers, two fathers, or one of each. What is more, children of gay, lesbian, and transgendered parents are no more likely than any other child to suffer from sexuality and gender issues.

Given the difficulties involved for any same-sex couple having a child, children are often wanted. Children of same-sex couples are often a huge investment in time and money long before they are even conceived. Ultimately, same-sex couples are just like opposite-sex couples when it comes to raising a family with good and bad families populating both, according to all the research that has been done on this subject for the last ten years. Still, the desire to have a child through birth or adoption often means that child is wanted and loved.



A. P. Buxton’s 1999 study of one and two parent families is the most often used to attack the fitness of same sex couples to raise children, and how same-sex marriage would harm children. The reality is that Buxton’s study showed just the opposite. It is not the kinds of parents which are important, but the number- two parents are better than one. He isn’t the only one to make that point either. In preparation for the passage of same-sex marriage in Canada, a review of the known literature, and what was found is that there is no statistical difference between having two mothers, two father, or a mother and a father.

The reality is that children of same-sex couples are not harmed by the experiences that they get at home, but rather, are often harmed by their peers who may attack their ‘unconventional’ life. Indeed, in an article prepared for the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the findings were that the legally imposed instability of same sex marriages, and the lack of social acceptance of these families, were more detrimental to the mental health of a child. In terms of the mental development of children in, especially, lesbian families, there was almost no difference between them and the children of heterosexuals. In fact, a statistically significant number of the children of lesbian families showed a greater tendency to be affectionate and nurturing than the children of opposite sex couples. It should be noted that the bulk of the study dealt with lesbian families since it has been notoriously difficult to find same-sex male couples with children.

In the end, the lack of recognition of same-sex marriage is what harms children, not the existence of it. Children of same-sex couples are just has happy, healthy, and loving as the next child of a stable marriage. It is, however, society which harms children by preventing same-sex couples from having the stability that a family requires to thrive. We want marriage rights for our children as much as for ourselves. In an election cycle when three anti-marriage laws go before the voters, we must do what we can to protect our children.

I urge those in California, Florida and Arizona to set aside their discomfort of and forget the lies surrounding same-sex marriage and vote NO on Prop 8 (Cali), Amendment 2 (Flor) and Prop 11 (Ariz.) For the children, that should really be our rallying cry. In truth, we do this for our children, and for the children of our friends. This is as much about them as it is about us.

For the data presented by the AAP- http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/118/1/349

(I hope to continue to present more posts on the issue of same-sex marriage and to undermine many of the myths and lies that abound on this topic.)

Lohan and Ronson Courting the Conservative Double-Standard

By Lesbiatopia Feature Writer Sei

Rumors have abounded about Lindsey Lohan’s on going relationship with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

To date, neither Lohan nor Ronson have commented upon their relationship. Ms Lohan has made it clear that she wishes to keep her private life private. While Ms Ronson has flatly refused to deny the rumors. According to some in the media, Lohan and Ronson will be finally announce their love for each other publicly in the near future at a ‘lavish LA bash.’

According to Rav Singh of News of the World, Lohan and Ronson would like to have a child, and have been in discussion for some time. Also according to Singh, Lohan hopes that having a child will help her through recovery. Lohan, 22, and Ronson, 31, have apparently discussed asking one of Lohan’s ex’s provide the requisite male contribution for the pregnancy.


For the article, please see http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article22822.ece

O’Reilly, Hannity and Limbaugh will be out in force over this story, have no doubt about that. While one could argue that having a child will not help someone recover from alcohol and drug abuse (though a loving and stable relationship will), I would lay bets that this trio of Conservative bobble heads won’t be focusing on that at all.

O’Reilly will, undoubtedly, be focusing his dirty old man mind on the images of three way sex between Lohan, Ronson and the father of their child. After all, this is something that he has shown a great deal of interest in. That, and falafels. Hannity will probably be sneering his way through comments about how same-sex couples harm children, and Limbaugh will lambaste us with his sanctimonious pomposity about how Lohan is a train wreck and a ‘good example of what being lesbian does to young people.’

They have already done a stellar job attacking Lohan and Ronson for their rumored relationship, which they wish to keep private. How often will they talk about how Lohan having a baby will corrupt the minds of young teens? And yet, not a single one has dared to question what having a pregnant teenager as part of the potential second family is going to do to encourage teen pregnancy, especially since the father of Bristol Palin’s child has publicly stated he never wants children. They have been great about how this is a private matter, and yet they have drooled like wild animals while reporting on every detail of Lindsey Lohan’s life. Miss Palin’s pre-marital sex is swept under the rug to choruses of how ‘she is doing the right thing’, and ‘isn’t she just great for marrying the father’. But for Lohan and Ronson, who have publicly expressed affection for each other, and appear to be in a strong and stabilizing relationship, their decision to have a child at some point will be resoundingly denounced. The Conservative pack will attack these two as being immoral and encouraging immorality without respect for the privacy they now ask for, and hold Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston up as paragons of morality

O’Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh, and the throngs of paparazzi and Conservative ‘commentators’ who line up behind them, will undoubtedly make some mention about Lohan and Ronson wanting to have a child. True or not, they will leave a streak of what we can only hope is drool behind them as they run around speculating on everything. They will never think about how they are hypocrites for respecting the request of a fellow Conservative, a request that has been honored even by the Liberals, and yet ignoring the requests of others to be left in private. While it is hard to tell if the interest in this story will be because of Lohan’s stardom, or because there is a lesbian relationship wrapped in, or both, the reality is that Lohan and Ronson deserve the same privacy that we should all enjoy. If Palin and Johnston’s lives should be kept out of the spotlight, so should Lohan and Ronson’s; however, it is not likely to happen. Expect the slobbering throng of bobble-headed Conservative commentators to be all over this story. It is a woeful double-standard, and one that is lamentably damaging to both Lohan and Ronson, and one that is all too familiar for the LGBTI community.

It is lamentable that Lohan and Ronson, who seem to be so beneficial to each other, will be harassed and ridiculed by men like O’Reilly, while the relationship of Palin and Johnston is off limits.

Never mind that Bristol Palin’s pregnancy flies in the face of her mother’s, Sarah Palin, public and private morality, and that neither Lohan nor Ronson are involved in politics or policy.

Michelle Obama Supports the LGBT Community

By Lesbian Parenting Writer Julie Phineas

The Latest Scoop: US Magazine reports Michelle Obama will not be having another child.

The wife of the Democratic Nominee for President of the United States reportedly told Ellen DeGeneres in an interview which airs Monday, "I think I'm done... I think our third child is this campaign." The interview is running during the sixth season premiere of The Ellen DeGeneres Show on September 8th, 2008, where Michelle Obama skillfully declines to comment on the pregnancy of Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin's 17-year old daughter Bristol.

Barack Obama has been interviewed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show a few times, and John McCain has been on the show before as well as a few other political figures.

As a lesbian mom I feel that anyone who appears on The Ellen DeGeneres Show is trying to appeal to the LGBT community since Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian.

Sometimes their appeal backfires, like with John McCain, who stumbled through a mini-statement about how he "respectfully disagrees" with Ellen's request for equal rights.

In the case of Michelle Obama, I hardly speculate that her appeal to the LGBT community on The Ellen DeGeneres Show will backfire, since this is just one example of how Michelle Obama is working to show LGBT supporters that they can trust their vote with her husband, Barack Obama, for President.



The Daily News reported Michelle Obama attending a fundraiser on September 3rd in Los Angeles. This fundraiser turned out to be a 'meet and greet' at a gay and lesbian reception at a mansion in Bel Air. (You can watch the Fox News Video here.)

Michelle Obama reached out to voters in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community to secure their vote for her husband. In other LGBT events Mrs. Obama has been seen at include the LGBT Caucus for the Democratic National Convention on August 26, 2008 where she said "We want to make our nation a place where everyone gets a shot regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation”; and The Gay & Lesbian Leadership Council of the Democratic National Committee on June 26, 2008 where she stated that "Barack is not new to the cause of the LGBT community".

Michelle Obama has been very vocal about Barack Obama's support of the LGBT community. According to EqualityGiving.org, "No public statements are known from Cindy McCain in support of our rights."



Technorati Tags: Michelle, Obama,, John.McCain,Ellen, DeGeneras

All in the Family: The Lesbian Black Sheep

I saw some of my family last weekend and I was once again reminded of what a weirdo I've become as an adult. Have I always been so different? I guess I have. If you look at a photo of my family you will see the following...


- My Grandparents.
Both looking quite lovely still, even in their 80's. Gram reminds me of a sassier and cuter Angela Lansbury. They enjoy Sunday evenings at the local Hometown Buffet where staff knows them on a first name basis.

- My mother.
Shops via JC Penny's mail order catalogue. Will walk out of a movie if they say "God Damn". Recently discovered the Internet.

- My Sister.
The average 5'8 blond with a minivan type. Went to college, fell in love had babies kinda of a gal. Teaches music. Has had the same 2 best friends her whole life. Church on Sundays.

- My Dad.
A surfer (?) now as a retired gentlemen (?) Drives a Hummer, lives and dies by Starbucks. He and his wife send out a photo greeting card every year with a picture their dog's latest fashion.

Then there is Me.
An overfed, god-less queer who believes in progressive politics and the whole sex/drugs/rockandroll thing. I like hanging out at gay coffee shops, playing pool at leather bars, banging on my guitar and screaming in some dive bar or having sex-a-thon 2008 in my empty cold apartment. I shop in thrift stores. I have 1 pair of wearable shoes.

I sit at thanksgiving dinner next to my family, who, bless them are SO accepting and loving no matter how creepy they think I am, and I wonder where I came from. Who did my mother sleep with? The mailman? We did have the same mailman my whole life. He also had blue eyes and black hair. Hmmm.

I like 6 Feet Under and Absolutely Fabulous.
They like Family Feud and Star Trek.

I want sushi or thai for dinner.
They must consume vast amounts of camp tacos.

I can bet money that no one in my family has ever been to a sex party or done more than smoked pot. No one else in my family has been beaten up for being different like me. No one at the table in my house knows about NPR or my favorite holiday Day of the Dead. I wish they did, because frankly we could use a little more diversity in our dinner conversations.

The point is moot really, but I'd like to discuss anyways. My family is normal and I am strange. It's just the way it is. Shoot, its the way it has been ever since I can remember. Like when my sister busted in on me trying to hover over the toilet to pee like a boy. Or my fun "Vanilla Ice" hair cut, steps and all when I was 10. Who could ever forget my science experiment with human teeth that I snagged from my dentist?

I've always been different, and more than just a gay kid being different from the straight family. I am just plain strange and I've always been drawn to the morose, the odd and the queerer parts of the world.

I suppose there has forever been a sense of Me vs Them mentality. I wonder if they feel the same way? Who knows. They love me and I love them no matter how strange THEY ARE to me.

Maybe we ARE related? Gasp.
Afterall, they're weird on the inside.
Weird like me deep down beaneath their typical lives.
Maybe I just never learned how to hide it.


****note.
What the hell are Camp Tacos you ask?
Get ready to feel like white trash!
Camp Tacos= Fritos chips, ground beef, sour cream, salsa.
Add refried beans if you are feeling adventurous.

Please Dont Take My Sunshine Away

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away...

My Grandma Is Dying

Two months ago, my father sat down with me and told me that I was about to lose the great love of my life – my beloved Grandma. “She has a very aggressive form of Leukemia that is most common in children. There is nothing that can be done. She has about 3-6 weeks”.

This was the moment that I had been dreading my entire life.

I had to get in my car and drive over to her house at 10:30pm to see her. She was expecting me and when she walked down the hall into the living room, I tried to keep myself from crying so I said, “Grandma, how could you do this to us?” and she deadpanned her response - “I just wanted some attention.”




Grandma has been the one constant in my life. With everything that ever changed in my life, everything about Grandma has stayed exactly the same. Her house is the only home I have ever known.

When I was growing up, I lived in a very turbulent household. My mom and her second husband would continually scream and physically fight with each other. I have a lot of memories of their violence and how it made me feel sick to my stomach. But then I have the memories of the summer when I would come to visit my dad and Grandma and what a different climate it was for me. They spoke so lovingly and respectfully towards each other. Grandma never got mad or yelled. She always had hugs and she laughed all the time. Her love for me was not conditional based on my grades or behavior like it was at home; but rather it was freely given and without reserve. It was such a welcome respite for my brother and me.

Growing up, I was closest to my Grandma. She has always been much more like a mother to me than my own mother was capable of being. Despite the fact that we sometimes lived far away from each other, we always had a deep and abiding love for one another. When I felt sad, I called her. When I wanted to talk, she listened. When I started my period for the first time (on a camping trip with my dad and brother!), I asked my dad to take me to her house. She took good care of me as she welcomed me into womanhood.

When I came out last year and ended my 18 year marriage, I knew that she would be as loving and gracious the same way that she always has in the past. I had waited until after her surgery at the beginning of January to tell her so that she would not worry about me while she was about to go through her medical issues. When she had her surgery, there were complications (they didn’t know she was sick then) and what was supposed to be a 3 day stay in the hospital turned into 6 weeks. We all took turns sitting with her.

One night while I was at her bedside, she told me that she knew that I had been unhappy for a long time and was there anything that I wanted to talk about? So I just told her right there in the hospital.

This 78 year old steel magnolia did what very, very few people in my family did. She listened to me. She didn’t judge me. She told me how sorry she was that I had tried so hard for so long, that it was nothing to be ashamed of and she was not ashamed or embarrassed, that I would be okay and that she would always love and support me. She just wanted for me to be happy and be with someone that I could love and who would love me back the same way – the way that she had loved my grandfather.

I got to hear about how she met him and that she fell in love with him that same day. They were engaged 3 days later and married 3 months later. They stayed married until he died over 30 years ago. She has never dated another man and she still dreams about him at least once or twice a week. She says she can’t wait to see him again. My dad teases her by telling her that when he died, he was in his early 50’s. She’ll be nearly 80 and he may not want her when he sees what she looks like now.

There has never been a conversation between Grandma and I where she did not call me “precious one” at least once. There has never been a crisis in my life where I did not call Grandma for advice. There has never been a day since my 2 kids were born that I did not pray and ask God to allow her to live long enough so that they could know her. And she has. My 14 and 16 year olds not only know her, they adore her as much as every other person who knows her.



My Grandma has lived past the 6 week prognosis they have 8 weeks ago. She is trying to make it until her birthday this Sunday. We have all been taking turns staying with her, sitting at her feet and listening to her talk to visitors and callers to console them, give them advice and minister to their spirits.

Recently, I crawled into bed with her to pray with her before bedtime. I could barely get “Our Heavenly Father” out before I began to cry like a baby. How will I live without her? I really don’t know. I can’t even think of what I will do each day knowing that she isn’t going to be there. The person that I love the most in this world will not be with me for the rest of my life and I have no idea what my life will be like without the great love of my life.

I trust in what she tells me and everyone else who is struggling through this. She says every single time we talk, “Shan, everything is going to be all right.” And I know it will.

God, thank you for her life and the impact that she has had on me. You knew that I would need balance to be able to see good and bad and you gave me the very best role model in her. Please take good care of her until I see her again. Thanks….

What Do You Do?

The pain I feel today is nothing new. I’ve always been subjected to it, always knew it was there. It’s not the pain of losing a loved one, or a physical pain.

It’s the pain of acceptance. Accepting your mother may not love you.

Don’t think it’s because I’m lesbian that she doesn’t love me. No, it actually started way before that. Probably when I was a child, but I can’t pinpoint anything specific. At least, not until I became an adult. For some strange reason, my mother gossips.She doesn’t care who she hurts, doesn’t care what she says. She just does.She’s been doing it so long, that she probably doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it.

The gossiping I could probably stand, it’s just the pretending that grinds my gears. I mean, why do you pretend to like me, invite me and my lover over, only to turn around and talk about me, my lover, my ‘lifestyle’ (for lack of a better word) with disdain to of all people, my children? Why do you speak badly of me to my children and not think they are going to tell me? She even talks about me to friends, other family members, etc.

I don’t know when this all started or why. I just know that my mother has a unique talent for alienating people from her life. She will behave one way in your presence, and do the exact opposite when she is away from you. My partner thought it was because we are lesbian, but I had to enlighten her; no, dear this has been going on all my adult life. Being a lesbian doesn't have a thing to do with it.

My mother is so bad with her hurtful words that she used to say bad things about me to my son. My son is now deceased due to an illness. But it used to tear him apart to hear his grandmother spread lies and say terrible things about his mother. His blood pressure would shoot up and he would be ill the next couple of days trying to defend my honor.

I am 47 years old now, and have accomplished more in my lifetime than almost anyone in my family. I’m not saying I am the most successful person, but I am certainly a leader. Being one of the eldest grandchildren, many of my cousins look up to me. They respect my knowledge and the type of woman I am, the type of person I’ve become. And they don’t treat me any different, accepting that I am still the same person as I was before I came out.

Yet, my mother is the source of emotional pain. Pain that I am determined to keep from my daily life.

You see, my partner and I are happy. We’re happy when we’re broke, happy when we have money, happy just damn happy. We are blessed, believe in the Lord, worship him and have our health. Most of all we have loving, fun, positive friends who are more than supportive of us.

Sometimes I just don’t get it. Its not like I’ve been on America’s Most Wanted, or I have been a slut or a whore, never. Always the good girl, the kid everyone wished they had. Except my mother.

I just had to get this off my chest. I don’t know who else has these kinds of problems.I pray daily for peace, and the Lord is good about giving it to us. My partner and I have our love, and it is a true love. Maybe my mother is jealous of that.

Even when I was married to my kids’ father, she had something to contribute. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abusive. He used to beat me for breakfast, lunch and dinner.Yet I had no one to turn to. When I tried to turn to my mother for help, she was supportive in the fact that she said she was going to have someone beat my ex-husband to a pulp. But, it seemed after that initial conversation, my mother saw fit to get on the telephone and tell everyone in the family “how dumb” I was and that “she doesn’t know where I got that from, letting a man jump on me.” She even thought she was helping by spreading rumors throughout the family that I was seeing another man. And that each time I left my ex, I was seeing this imaginary lover. Well, my ex heard about it, and I got my ass beat even more. To this day she denies it.

All in all, I forgave her for that, even forgave her for not speaking to me for 7 months while carrying my first child (my son who is now deceased). If it had not of been for my grandmother (her mother) she probably wouldn’t have spoken to me then even though we were living in the same house. Now, my mother proclaims my son was her favorite. I don't doubt it, but you didn't even want me to have him. Go figure.

As a child I was always jealous and a little envious of the relationship my girlfriends had with their moms. Secretly wishing mine was that way too. After awhile I gave up on that dream, it wasn’t going to happen.

Have I ever tried talking to my mother about her behavior and the things she says? Probably close to 100 times. Each time she denies it, gets angry, and the cycle starts all over again. She tries to make me think I am imagining things. To be honest with you, if I were a kid growing up today dealing with this kind of stuff, I’d probably be on the news for a crime against my parent.

However, I chose God.I chose the Holy One because I didn’t have anyone else. No one on this earth could tell me why my mother mistreats me. Its emotional abuse for sure, I know. I didn’t’ choose Abnormal Psychology as a 2nd major just to waste time. No, I knew there were problems, that I didn’t have answers for. Back then I was still trying to find a solution.

But today, is different. I am older now, wiser. And I know that life is not lived without some pain. And that it’s not about the pain but how you deal with it.

One of the first things I did when my mother’s gossip tried to force its way into my life was to reach for my Bible. But before then, I prayed. Got into the shower, used my Grapefruit scented shower gel and washed all the crap down the drain.

Then I came in here to write.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Whenever something hurts me or bothers me, I write. I let it out. My partner of 7 years doesn’t deserve anything from me but my best, because she is more than that to me. My partner is my best friend, my lover, confidante and the person who thinks my corny jokes are the funniest things she’s heard in her life, even though I know they are not always funny.

Yet, it seems to me that my mother is not happy with the choices she has made or continues to make in her life. Maybe she wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is. This story has so much more to tell, but I won’t bore you.I am going to continue to live my life, enjoy my life, being prayerful and hope and pray that my mother changes her ways before it is too late.

The 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day

Today is the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day and throughout the day you will find blogs across the internet posting in support of LGBT Families. Each blog who posts in support of Blogging for LGBT Families Day is listed on the list of contributing posts in an effort to raise awareness for LGBT families and the blogs who support them. This event is brought to you by The Mombian Blog which offers “Sustenance for Lesbian Moms” and is sponsored by The Family Equality Council .

Posts are being added all day long, and so far there are some pretty interesting posts to check out. Here is a list of my favorites so far:

Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Laws for LGBT Families with Children - link

Alabama Blue Dot: Family by Fate and by Choice - link

BlogHer - Denise: Blogging for LGBT Families Day: Just like you, except for the hate thing - link

Cheryl’s Mewsings: Introducing COLAGE - link

Damn Straight: Not really an issue … until it is an issue - link

Parenting Beyond the Pale: Coming Out’ at Costco - link

3 Garzas & La Gringa: Family Day …Every Day - link

If you would like to participate in the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day to help to raise awareness and show support for LGBT Families, simply post an entry on your blog and send the link to lgbtfamilies@mombian.com. Also be sure to visit the list of contributing posts for more blogs like this one who support the rights of families in the LGBT community. There are some great blogs showing support this year so you'll find some new favorites to add to your feeds and bookmarks. A special thanks to Mombian and The Family Equality Council for putting this web event together, and for helping to raise awareness for LGBT families around the world!

My Lesbian Wedding Part One – We’ve Got Rights!

Four years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mother, who was about 10 years into her battle with diabetes.

The day is vivid and the moment is forever burned into my life – George W. Bush was re-elected. (article) This is a very emotional subject for me because when that happened a deep truth hit me hard… there would be no chance in hell for gay marriage rights for the next four years. I had been holding it together for my mom, keeping a brave face; but the moment the news flashed the story I broke down and cried… it still makes me cry for such a grave injustice to have happened. Now flash forward four years, and my mother has been back in the hospital since January. (Please send prayers!) I happened to be sitting with her overnight on May 14th and I had the TV on with her when the news flashed a story that brought me to my knees; A vote was to occur the next day over whether to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California or not! As luck would have it, CNN reported that The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage and now gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry in the state of California!! Tears of joy began to flow on May 15th, 2008 and they haven’t stopped since!



My mother is still in the hospital, and there are many other situations in my life right now that have been causing distress and pain; but now... now we have something beautiful to hold onto.

Since that day, many of my friends have sent congratulations and well wishes once they heard the news. Some of the gay friends I have are getting nervous about their partner expecting a wedding, too. Isn’t that funny? I have read stories of gay couples who have been together for decades who have been waiting to marry each other. They are finally planning their weddings! It just makes me so happy and full of joy that so many people are finally able to have the wedding experience with the love of their life. I am telling you that I always cry at weddings; and now that gay marriage is legal in California I have had so many joyful crying spells I am starting to get embarrassed about it. There is definitely a wedding buzz around here as we prepare for the ruling to take effect so that we can file for a marriage license which is currently projected to be June 17, 2008. Gina and I have had to get it in gear and really think about our ‘lesbian wedding’. It’s hilarious the things we get to go through that we didn’t before such as debating issues like pre-nuptial agreements and seating charts. *LOL We wonder if we will run into the press at the county clerks office and if there will be a shortage on wedding dresses when we go to buy ours. *LOL It’s also interesting to notice that the gay friendly businesses are coming out of the woodwork and the LGBT community has more of a guidepost of which places we are able to plan our weddings with pride.

Even big names like Macy's are showing support for the LGBT community by encouraging gay and lesbian couples to use their bridal registry for their big day.




Online gay jeweler, Love and Pride Jewelry, is now offering a 10% discount on all bridal rings in celebration of marriage equality in California, and Cherished Weddings Vows Chapel in Torrance, CA has set themselves up online with a series of blogs catering to the increased demand for weddings in California. You can stay up to date on the latest in LA Weddings at one of their new blogs, The L.A. Wedding Resource . Of course there have always been websites online that cater to gay marriages and lesbian weddings such as Alt Wed and The Rainbow Wedding Network , even Two Brides.com and Two Grooms.com. As Gina and I continue to think out and plan our big day, we have come across items such as gay and lesbian cake toppers at this site , lesbian friendly wedding invitations at OutVite.com , and LGBT wedding favors at the GayWeddings.com online store.




Any way you look at it, marriage equality in California is a boost to the US economy.

Whichever route we take to our big day, it will be painted with pink money! Weighing our wedding options we are looking at a pretty penny to walk down the aisle together, and we aren’t even planning a big wedding! We have to consider my wedding dress, and what is Gina going to wear? She really doesn’t do dresses. There is the wedding cake, and the wedding favors, the invitations and thank you cards; plus we have to consider a honeymoon and what about bachelorette parties?? There will be the flowers, the marriage license, and all the other little things that will surely add up. Since May 15th, Gina and I have been working more overtime than ever to pay for the event!!

Because of a November ballot initiative to ban gay marriage in California it looks like it will be a summer wedding.

There is a certain pressure to get married quickly in case we never get this chance again. As the NY Times reports here, the ruling in California has fueled the same-sex marriage battle rather than ending it. Amidst the joy and excitement, there is still the dread of the possibility that our right to marry can be taken away in November. It’s sad to think that we could go through all the same motions that a straight couple does for their wedding, but we could end up with exactly zero change in status or recognition, plus zero stability and security for our children from the government in the form of social security, taxes, and more. According to the NY Times article:

“California has more than 100,000 households headed by gay couples, about a quarter with children, according to 2000 census data.”

I have tried to be very vocal with my friends and family so they know how important their vote is this November. All Californians should come out to the polls and vote this November and have their vote heard in this historic time. What everyone can do right now to voice our vote is to sign the Million for Marriage petition from The Human Rights Campaign. The anti-gay initiatives are backed by funding that pro-gay initiatives have not been privy too, and they have gathered over a million signatures for their initiative. We need to surpass this amount and demand that marriage equality in California be here to stay, which will help other marriage equality initiatives in the future. For now, please take some time to visit the Million for Marriage website and sign the petition to let your voice be heard!



Whichever way things go in November, Gina and I are going to proceed with our lesbian wedding, and we will keep you posted through it all.

The next step is going to be plotting and planning our lesbian wedding, our big day, the honeymoon, and then ‘waiting for November’. Right now we are living in limbo and waiting for June 17th so that we can make an appointment to get our marriage license. Then from there we can set a date and go from there. There is still a possibility that the anti-gay initiatives will stop the licenses from being issued before then, so we won’t terminate our Domestic Partnership (article). As you might guess, I have been surfing online and finding out everything I need to know to make the process go as smooth as possible. FYI, here is where you can get information on obtaining a marriage license in Los Angeles County. I have also created a section on my Lesbian Mommy blog with Lesbian Wedding Resources. For those couples who are planning their own gay or lesbian wedding, there is a list of books from Amazon with information on planning your gay marriage and more below:



The next few months are going to be interesting to say the least, and I am looking forward to a beautiful wedding day and a relaxing honeymoon!

The guest list is longer than we thought it would be, and finding a reception area with one month notice is asking for a miracle… but, after the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15th, I know that miracles can happen.

Stay tuned for part two, the Plotting and Planning of My Lesbian Wedding.

BuddyG.tv Helps Raise Awareness for Lesbian Moms and Their Children

There is a website with tools that are helping lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness of families like ours. Buddy G: My Two Moms and Me is a cartoon especially for gay families with a website to match found at www.BuddyG.tv. I was able to watch a clip of the first episode of the Buddy G cartoon on the website, and I have to say I was excited to see another cartoon where families like mine are represented. I was even more excited when I found that the Buddy G TV website also offers printable cartoon pages, online jigsaw puzzles, and related videos for LGBT families. I printed out a few of the coloring pages right away, and slipped them into the pile of pages during coloring time, then put them on the fridge for the world to see. Since then, many visitors to my home have commented on the Buddy G coloring pages, and how cool they are. I feel like they walk away with a little more of a sense of how normal gay families really are.



When I ventured in to learn a bit more about Buddy G and how I could get the DVD, I found that Buddy G has received a lot of press and media attention, while promoting other two-mommy media such as the DVD Dottie’s Magic Pockets. I fell in like with Buddy G right away and he is now a friend of mine on MySpace. *smile* I learned from Donna, Margaux and Grayson, the family behind Buddy G, that one little girl carries the DVD in her backpack to prove to other kids that “there are lots of families like hers - they even have a cartoon!” This is awesome to know, because children of lesbian moms are being validated as equally as special as all the other children in the world since they are represented in a cartoon. The Buddy G DVD and website is great for showing children of lesbian moms that they are not the only children in the world with two moms, and helps to reinforce a positive view of LGBT families. Plus sharing the coloring pages with my nieces and nephews shows them that their Aunties aren’t the only ones with a two mommy family.



Here is what the Buddy G website says about how the show came to be:

We know we are a minority and that most kids have a mom and a dad, but for little guys like our son we thought wouldn’t it be grand if there were something more available to them. Something like a cartoon, like a Caillou with two moms or dads. The more we talked about it the more important it became. It was almost like, if we didn’t do something about it after we had this fantastic idea, then we were somehow being irresponsible parents. So out of that, “Buddy G” was born. It took longer, cost more and was way harder then we thought it would be, but we couldn’t be happier or more proud of the cartoon and the potential it represents. “Buddy G” has added incredible joy to our family and we hope he adds a little happiness to yours.

Sincerely,

Margaux, Donna and Grayson

I feel a sense of relief that there are people out there like Donna, Margaux and Grayson who are brave enough to fill the void in the LGBT community for two-mommy media, and provide tools to help lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness for LGBT families in a fun and positive way. It’s also good to know that the Buddy G website is expanding in the near future to provide even more Buddy G fun and games for the kids. If you are a lesbian mom, there are also fun things for you at the Buddy G website too! You can find videos and more for LGBT parents here. In the meantime, you can order the DVD below plus you can add Buddy G as your friend on MySpace here.

I am really looking forward to the expansion of the Buddy G TV website, and for other two mommy media products to provide awareness tools for their products such as coloring pages and online games for the children. Even something as simple as seeing a two mommy family on paper helps make the world more aware of how normal an LGBT family really is. Thanks Buddy G!.

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