Long Distance Relationships: My New Illness

If there's one thing I love, it's hopelessly romantic love stories. I'm a sucker for romance and tales from the love side. Two of Lesbiatopia's writers, Mr. Leigh (who tackles butch issues) and Sylvia (who covers lesbian pop culture) have fallen in love. With each other. The catch here is that they are located approximately 2,000 miles apart. I've asked them both to write their stories; how they fell in love, dealing with a long distance relationship and all the trials and tribulations that go with it. Today you will see two parts to the story. First, Mr. Leigh will tell her tale and this afternoon, Sylvia will tell hers. Have you ever been in an LDR? If so, what was it like? Did it last? How did you deal with it? We'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. I hope you enjoy their stories as much as I did - Renee Gannon, Publisher

- Story by Mr. Leigh
I have recently become a victim of a nasty little disease called LDR.
Have you heard of it?
The symptoms are as follows..

-loneliness
-excessive and often ridiculously long phone calls
-excitement over snail mail
-depletion of ones frequent flier miles
-a love hate relationship with the local airports
-text messages up the wazoo
-isolation from happy couples
-automatically adding hours to your clock to compensate for the time difference

If you haven't guessed yet, the affliction LDR is what some in the scientific community refer to as a "Long Distance Relationship". I caught the disease around the beginning of August when my beautiful girl followed her dreams thousands of miles away. (2035 to be exact, but who's counting?) She now resides in Chicago as I hold down the fort in Southern California, together we have been making progress in what is often a fatal affliction. Personally, I believe that our chances of survival are extremely high.


Neither of us expected this to happen. Love has seemed to change a lot for me this last year in what has ended up to be the most romantic and passionate love affair I've ever known. She is my muse, my reason and my dreams. Even from so far away I have never felt more loved and cared for. I know that there is an easy cure for my disease, but I will happily wait here for her until she can bring it to me wholeheartedly.

Even though the distance is miserable and I curse the day Chicago was settled, I've never been happier with my life. I know that she is experiencing so much and I love her to a degree that I have been able to be supportive even beyond my own wildest dreams. I never once told her not to leave. I knew she should go. Her plans were in place long before we started getting serious and I am a firm believer in everyone having a mid 20s adventure far away from home. Now that she has found her footing in her new town, she is accomplishing so much and I'm so proud of her. This entire experience is uncharted territory for us both, so in the ways of handling an LDR we are pretty clueless. No one really seems to have any advise for us, but its not like we'd listen anyways, because we're rebels like that.

I have some pain relievers and distractions, music has been the most effective.
Below is a song I wrote called "On My Pillow." I came home the day she left and found a beautiful long brown hair stretched across my pillow and I broke down. This song and many others have been inspired by recent events and are documentation of my illness.

So far I've learned that time is the biggest bitch of all when it comes to doing the Long Distance thing. Once I can conquer that, this whole thing should be a snap! Maybe I will just finally figure out how to teleport and make things a little easier on us. What?! I could happen!!

I will be back for a check up, Doc.
Thanks for the lollipop.
-Mr. Lone-Leigh

This Long Distance Relationship is brought to you by...
T-MOBILE *Fave5* & Jet Blue Airlines


I taped your letters to my door
the one I had you up against before
the one we closed when all the lights were low
Now I just throw myself in beds
Not looking where I lay my head
Cause if I look down, I'll see your hair on my pillow(x3)
-Goodbye. I've always loved you.
-Dont try. There's nothing we can do.
-I'll learn to fly so I can be with you.
-Dont cry. It breaks my heart in two.
I see your car now everyday
Say all the things we used to say
I drive past motels and wish that we were there.
It seems so hard to look ahead
I still hate laying in my bed
Cause I cant seem to move your hair from my pillow(x3)

ASK ALICE- the lesbian rock band of my dreams

WARNING!!!
SHAMELESS PLUG BELOW!!!

I would like to introduce my band.

Ask Alice.
We're Here.
We're Queer.
We Drink Beer.
Original. Vaginal. Rock.

My whole life I've wanted a band. But not just any band, a rock band.
But not just any rock band, an ALL GIRL ROCK BAND.


In high school all of the musicians I knew were guys that had no interest in having a girl play in their band. That left me with the solo acoustic option. I wrote songs by candle light about my teenage angst and breaking heart. Needless to say, that got really depressing really fast. I wanted fun and excitement. I wanted to inspire girls to throw their panties at me, to the keep the music going despite the bar brawls that with broken beer bottles. I started looking for other musicians to have this wild adventure with and while I posted adds, wrote emails, posted on bulletin boards, bathroom walls, I still couldn't seem to find a match.

This ideal has proven to be quite difficult over the years. I don't think of myself as a music snob but really, I don't have any interest in choreography and I'm certainly not going to wear a skirt. It seemed I was never a good match for any band I came across.

Searching for a good female musician is like going to a bad dive bar with all of the typical patrons. Here are the female musicians types that I've personally come into contact with in my search...

- The Ani DiFranco acoustic type. Possibly a lesbian? Probably works at the coffee shop that shes singing at tonight. Thanks a-latte... for nothing!!

- The electronic type. Attempts to make strange buzzing noises pass as a love song about her latest keyboard obsession. Bjork gone horribly, horribly wrong.

- The Spice Girl type. Always looking for an agent, producer, back up singers and band. This means she has absolutely zero talent, a boob job and a GREAT ass.

My search was long. After about 5 years I was pretty over the idea of having a girl band when I started getting responses back from chicks I had already jammed with and "lost their number" last year.

However, Mama didn't raise a quitter and I kept up my search knowing full well it was likely my dreams would never come true. Maybe I'm a masochist.
After searching for so long I finally struck gold. TWICE!

The first was a guitar player who had just moved to LA from Minnesota.
I found her via craigslist. It was ridiculous how much we had in common.
The second was a drummer from Orange County CA. I found her through a complete stranger who we have yet to meet or thank. It was fate
I found these 2 girls after almost 9 years of searching.
They have another thing coming to them if they think I will ever let either of them go. Alyssa and Laura. My musical family. We write songs together. Sweat in the garage during practice together. Cry over girls together. Party together. Laugh together and hopefully one day we will get famous together. It's like having sisters and brothers all at once. I feel so lucky and proud that we have found each other and things are really working for us.

So, as you can tell ASK ALICE is not the typical band.
- Everyone one of us is proudly and openly gay
- We can seriously rock the socks right off your feet
- We write and play our own songs... unless a sexy lady makes a request
- We don't kiss any one's ass, we don't apologize and we always have a blast where ever we go.

I realize this blog really isn't about much other than my ramblings about how much I love my band. I found a rock band. A girl band and best of all a QUEER BAND. Proud and really really loud.

Hopefully you can come check us out sometime....its always a party.
Our myspace page has all the fun details.
www.myspace.com/askalicexo

Love,
Mr. Leigh
Vocals. Guitar.
ASK ALICE




Technorati Tags: music,, rock, band,, lesbian, rock,, live, music

All in the Family: The Lesbian Black Sheep

I saw some of my family last weekend and I was once again reminded of what a weirdo I've become as an adult. Have I always been so different? I guess I have. If you look at a photo of my family you will see the following...


- My Grandparents.
Both looking quite lovely still, even in their 80's. Gram reminds me of a sassier and cuter Angela Lansbury. They enjoy Sunday evenings at the local Hometown Buffet where staff knows them on a first name basis.

- My mother.
Shops via JC Penny's mail order catalogue. Will walk out of a movie if they say "God Damn". Recently discovered the Internet.

- My Sister.
The average 5'8 blond with a minivan type. Went to college, fell in love had babies kinda of a gal. Teaches music. Has had the same 2 best friends her whole life. Church on Sundays.

- My Dad.
A surfer (?) now as a retired gentlemen (?) Drives a Hummer, lives and dies by Starbucks. He and his wife send out a photo greeting card every year with a picture their dog's latest fashion.

Then there is Me.
An overfed, god-less queer who believes in progressive politics and the whole sex/drugs/rockandroll thing. I like hanging out at gay coffee shops, playing pool at leather bars, banging on my guitar and screaming in some dive bar or having sex-a-thon 2008 in my empty cold apartment. I shop in thrift stores. I have 1 pair of wearable shoes.

I sit at thanksgiving dinner next to my family, who, bless them are SO accepting and loving no matter how creepy they think I am, and I wonder where I came from. Who did my mother sleep with? The mailman? We did have the same mailman my whole life. He also had blue eyes and black hair. Hmmm.

I like 6 Feet Under and Absolutely Fabulous.
They like Family Feud and Star Trek.

I want sushi or thai for dinner.
They must consume vast amounts of camp tacos.

I can bet money that no one in my family has ever been to a sex party or done more than smoked pot. No one else in my family has been beaten up for being different like me. No one at the table in my house knows about NPR or my favorite holiday Day of the Dead. I wish they did, because frankly we could use a little more diversity in our dinner conversations.

The point is moot really, but I'd like to discuss anyways. My family is normal and I am strange. It's just the way it is. Shoot, its the way it has been ever since I can remember. Like when my sister busted in on me trying to hover over the toilet to pee like a boy. Or my fun "Vanilla Ice" hair cut, steps and all when I was 10. Who could ever forget my science experiment with human teeth that I snagged from my dentist?

I've always been different, and more than just a gay kid being different from the straight family. I am just plain strange and I've always been drawn to the morose, the odd and the queerer parts of the world.

I suppose there has forever been a sense of Me vs Them mentality. I wonder if they feel the same way? Who knows. They love me and I love them no matter how strange THEY ARE to me.

Maybe we ARE related? Gasp.
Afterall, they're weird on the inside.
Weird like me deep down beaneath their typical lives.
Maybe I just never learned how to hide it.


****note.
What the hell are Camp Tacos you ask?
Get ready to feel like white trash!
Camp Tacos= Fritos chips, ground beef, sour cream, salsa.
Add refried beans if you are feeling adventurous.

DYKEY-DOs!: Butch Hairstyles....

There's nothing quite as bad as a bad haircut and sure you can wear a hat, but every once in a while you have to take that off, if only to just let the top of your head air out.

But many of you out there of the lesbian sub-species called butcheslebianius are still sporting mullets, which in case you had not heard have become so clique they are now a standard for lesbian hair jokes.

Now do you really do you really want to be a walking punchline to a lesbian hair joke?

So come on ladies, its time to get rid of that Ape Drape and today Lesbiatopia's Mr Leigh takes a look at some hot current trends in DYKEY-DOs... from a Butch perspective and she shows you don't have to look like Billy Ray Cyrus anymore.

The Shane

Yeah, I said it. And I know Shane hair is almost as clique as a Mullet; I went to my local lesbian hangout last weekend, I looked around and I swear every lesbian there had the same Shaggy-Shane hair do. But his is definitely the hottest hair style right now for butch ladies.

Its a razor cut, with long pieces that are very uneven and messy and a very good look for the hipster-dyke oozing with "standoffish" sex appeal who doesn't want to chop it all off.

The Corporate Lesbian

The work place is getting more out and equal everyday and its business as usual for many ladies so long as they look the part. So this look would go great with that power-red-pantsuit or some slacks and a button up shirt with a big collar and transition well at night over to your jeans and boots.

With this style, many Power Dykes will typically keep some longer locks, but this can also be taken to the shorter side if you like.

The Pompadour

Wanna look like a hunk-a hunk-a Burnin' Love? Try a Pompadour.

The pompadour was a fashion trend in the 1950s among male rockabilly artists and actors like Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Little Richard, Marlon Brando (The Wild One) and James Dean.

But in recent years the pompadour hair style has also been embraced by Butch Culture as well, with KD Lang along with many other famous butches such as, yours truly, often sporting a pompadour.






A pompadour is often created by combing the sides of the hair back, while fanning the top of the hair forward and curling over itself giving it something of a "spiked" quality. But in order to properly wear the "Pomp" you must also work on your Elvis upper lip quiver and sneer. This is mandatory.

Spikey

Personally, I think some butch ladies who go for this style look like they have a ducks ass on the back of their head.

However, sometimes it does works.

This look is often found on the professional butch, who also often drives a Toyota sedan.

Butch Chic

Don't be afraid ladies, trust me, the grass is greener on our side of the fence!

I completely understand that not all lesbians have short hair, and not all short haired woman are lesbians, but this is what happens when hot straight ladies (?) chop their hair off, and end up looking like they might possibly play for our team.

I think it is a really good look too.

The Buzz

Bald Butches are hot Butches, so liberate yourself from those locks and shave it all off.

This is a gender bender to the max!

The Butchy Buzz is definitely one of the most radical dyke-dos and certainly the least upkeep of any of the hairstyles you could have.

But don't do this Do if you have a weird mis-shaped head!







Do have other Dyke-Do's that haven't been listed?

Let us know.

Dating Advice From Mr Leigh

It has recently come to my attention that many hot and sexy lesbian ladies remain single and without prospects.I'm not sure exactly how this happens, since I am a serial-dater, but I have so many friends and acquaintances that seem so amazing, yet are still in search of love.

Some even have a check list...

Shaggy-Shane hair do? Check!

Nice Car? Check!

Good Job? Check!

Great personality? Check!

Still no late night bootie calls.

No afternoon delights or breakfast lovin'.

In order to form a more perfect union, I have compiled a list of things that might help in the quest for love. Don't be afraid to try one or all of them.


How to Find Her

I don't know about you guys, but I'm not interested in finding my baby mama in a bar.Try something unconventional like a strap-on workshop at the local sex shop.

A LGBT wine group or book club might be a few more avenues to meet local ladies.

Any one who is afraid to find love online is living in the dark ages.

Try www.okaycupid.com its free and I've known a few people who have had some great success with this site.


Now What?

Once you've found a girl that you think might be a potential date, ASK HER OUT.

The first date typically is your one chance to impress her so something OUT of the ordinary.

The following are first date No-Nos.

Catching a Movie

This is terrible and instead of sitting quietly in the dark you should be getting to know each other.

Family/Friends

As nice as it would be to have the support around, involving your people in a first date scenario is not sexy. Plus, imagine the pressure for your date to not only impress you, but you're people all on the first meeting.

She's allergic to peanuts and you took her to the Skippy Factory

Don't be afraid to ask her what kind of food she likes/dislikes and if she's been meaning to do something special like the latest art gallery showing or heading out to a new bar/restaurant.

Try http://www.yelp.com/ for good first date suggestions in your local area.

My strongest suggestion for a first dates is something interactive.

Think Color Me Mine or miniature golf. Museums and concerts are always great choices too.

For the ladies on a budget, pack a picnic and some board games and head to a quiet park or beach setting.

When To Call Her Again

Who ever decided to wait 3 days before calling someone was an idiot.

This technique is a game and if you're going to start playing games after the first date then you have other reasons as to why you're not getting laid. If you like a girl, you should tell her.

9 times out of 10 she will be flattered and it will increase your chances for the 2nd date.

Don't Over Do It

While it's important to be attentive and thoughtful, don't pick up your date in a U-Haul.Avoid the X conversation (don't mention your lousy relationships unless she asks) and keep your dreams of your wedding being featured on LOGO to yourself.

A hint of mystery is always sexy, but don't be completely aloof either. Remember, balance is key, my. If all goes well on the first date; Shampoo, Rinse and Repeat.

Creativity and thoughtfulness goes along way ladies. Don't forget that.

If you find a great girl, tell her about it and treat her like it every chance you get.

Oh yeah and if you end up finding a great catch, you can thank me by making her call you Annie the next time you shag.

Hot Dyke on Dyke Action

Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
-Blur

As ladies who love other ladies, we often find ourselves in the Butch/Femme dynamic in our relationships.

"Who wears the pants?" is a phrase I know we've all heard when questioned about our relationships- pass the barf bag. But what about our butch brothers and sisters who enjoy the same kind of masculinity within their relationships?

Personally speaking, I have never found myself to be attracted to other butch folk. I suppose I'm just a sucker for a skirt and a pair heels. However, I once danced with a rather sexy dyke and I had a really intense moment. We danced and grinned against each other. It wasn't an alpha dog experience but more of a boi on boi porno scene. She was forceful with me and it was surprisingly sexy, something I wasn't expecting. It got me thinking about the plus sides to what it would mean to date a lady like me.

Could I go butch on butch???

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Really, if you think about it, it makes sense.

It's the epitome of a queer relationship.

Two girls who look like boys who fuck each other. Hot, right?

It is quite the gender bender as well, and thats always fun.

If you have never considered the more masculine side of our fence, allow me to list a few horrendously stereotypical, but still possible upsides you might benefit from...

- If you can find butch lady that's a similar size as you, then VIOLA! New wardrobe!!
- Kiss them anytime, anywhere and no one ever has to worry about smearing the lipstick.
- You can call them to change your tire, not AAA.
- No long hair clogging the drains of your shower.
- Share the same social views on what the world is like for someone doesn't appear straight.
- Nothing will ever be broken between 2 Tool Slingers in the house.

I think thats definitely a list to consider. Enough to switch sides?

Maybe if I'm ever single again I'll give it a whirl...

Maybe.