Christine's Answers from the Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today's question comes from a woman who isn't sure how to define her sexuality.

Dear Christine,
I'm bi-sexual at the moment and I am not sure if I am a lesbian. I have dated guys for a about 6 years. Since I've come out about being bi, I realize that
I am only physically attracted to guys. Any time I have a relationship, I end up
avoiding a kiss or anything sexual because It just doesn't feel right. I am wondering
if that meant that I was a lesbian or not. Its really confusing, I hope you can help.

Waiting for Ladies

Dear Waiting for Ladies,

You've dated men already, you know you're not that interested in them sexually right now. You've just recently admitted to being attracted to women but it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring that yet. I'm interested in why you are concerning yourself with men right now when it seems like the perfect time to be embracing your sexual experience with women. I imagine that you have been harboring sexual attraction to women for ages and now that you have come out about it, experiences with women are what you are craving. If I had waited six years to start sleeping with women, I wouldn't feel very turned on by sleeping with another man right now either. It seems the next logical step to start sleeping with women. Satisfy that experience for yourself rather than growing to resent yourself and the men who you hook up with for not being what you really want.

Wanting to sleep with only women at this point in your life does not exclusively define your sexuality. Sexuality is a fluid thing, an ever changing part of one's identity. You do not need to accept any standard of defining sexuality that says you must pick one sex over the other for the rest of your life. You may date who ever you want whenever you want. The best thing you can do is find healthy relationships for yourself. As you grow in your life, you will need different things at different times. So be nice enough to yourself to find the right relationship for yourself regardless of sex and with out regard to labels.

All my best,
Christine

The Sex Slog with Busy Beaver & Pugs

Dear Busy Beaver & Pugs,

i realize that i am probably a rarity when it comes to the lesbian community - and women in general for that matter. i've never really been into oral sex. receiving is ok, nice sometimes, but just doesn't blow my mind. never has. that's not to say that many great amazing partners haven't done it because they have, and yes it's always...ok. personally i need more to really have a mind-blowing orgasm. i've been in a relationship most of my adult life, serial monogamist. somehow i've tended to meet and get involved with women that feel like their strap-on is an extension of themselves... so the oral thing was never an issue. it's not that i dislike going down on a partner, it's just that because it never was that great for me i never got the point.


well i'm single for the first time in quite a while. i'm not interested or ready to get involved in another relationship but i want to be sexually active. i met a woman a while back who really opened my eyes to how amazing it can be to go down on someone. i really love it now, i definitely want to have oral sex with new partners that i meet - however, i'm a lesbian in my 30s who has very little experience with it. which is just crazy, i should really know more than i do. i've asked advice other places online and pretty much they say everyone is different and you just have to explore and figure it out. that's all fine and good, but how do i get over my feelings of inexperience?

i'm not going to go out there and have sex with a bunch of women. i don't want a relationship but at the same time i'm not interested in one night stands. i know i can't really get experienced without experience but what can make me feel more confident in going down on a new partner? since i don't particularly like receiving oral sex, what do i need to know/understand about giving it? i know over-thinking it is probably just going to pose more of a problem, but i am really really intimidated about going down on a new woman who has more than likely been with people way more experienced than me.

Signed,
I Need the Low Down on Goin’ Down

Dear Low Down,

Unfortunately, there’s not one magic trick to going down on a woman. Dan Savage wrote a hilarious column about this, wherein he asked women to write in about what they wanted out of their partners. The advice was so conflicting and funny I almost wet my pants reading it.

You can check it out HERE.

But back to you, Low Down. Here’s what you have going for you. You are articulate and you know what you want to do and you want to learn. I hope you are articulate in person, not just in writing, because before you use that tongue of yours to do The Deed, you are going to need it to communicate.

When things are heating up in the bedroom, you need to be able to say something along the lines of, “The thought of going down on you totally turns me on. But what turns me on even more is knowing that I’m doing what you want, so don’t be afraid to tell me to slow down, speed up, a little to the left, or whatever. This is all about me pleasing YOU.” Sound corny? Well, it works. Just ask my girlfriend. Half the fun of being with someone is finding out what turns her crank. You can literally find new ways of doing things for YEARS. You don’t need to be a porn star the first time out.

Oh, and allow me to disabuse you of a couple of assumptions you seem to have. You are not as much of a rarity as you think. And no one is going to know you are inexperienced or less experienced because like I said, every woman is different. They might think, “Oh, I bet she’s doing what she did to her last girlfriend, but that doesn’t really work for me.” Or, “Nice technique, just needs a little fine-tuning because I have a labia fetish.” Or they might simply think, “Holy shit! This girl’s good!” You never know going into it. This is why communication is key. It’s the key to everything in life, actually. People who are good communicators are happier and have better orgasms in my opinion.

I might also add that if you were able to communicate to your partner what YOU want, you might find a whole new level of orgasm from someone going down on you. I have seen this happen. It’s like a light starts shining somewhere deep in their coochie and beams out of their eyes. It’s a sight to behold.

Mumbly yours,
Beaver

Dear Low Down,
There’s not a lot I can add to the excellent information that Busy Beaver has given you. As usual, she has hit it out of the ballpark. The only thing I would offer is to go with your heart. Hopefully you like the girl you’re going down on at least as a friend. Usually, when I like someone, I want to please her. So I would say focus on her and forget about yourself. This is about making her happy so do what you can to make sure she’s having fun. And like Beaver said, talk to her. If she doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying the experience, ask her what would make it better for her.

Pugs

Questions? Write to the Busy Beaver and Pugs at love@cometogethergiftbaskets.com

The Sex Slog with the Busy Beaver & Pugs

Greetings, Lesbiatopians! Allow us to introduce ourselves. At the behest of Paula Brooks we are going to be your new sex advisors. What are our qualifications, you ask? Well, we like sex and we have opinions, and advice is just an opinion. As a long-time lesbian, I (this is the Beaver talking) have had a lot of sex in a lot of different ways with a fair amount of people. My pal, Pugs, is a reformed heterosexual with children who is relatively new to lesbian life, but boy does that chick know a shitload about vibrators and lube! In fact we recently started a new business based on that knowledge. The business is Come Together Gift Baskets, so check it out when you get a chance.

But back to our previous experience. I used to write a combination home improvement and sex advice column for OurChart.com and both of us currently blog on lezbang.com. We want you to write in with questions and you’ll get an answer from both of us. My advice will tend to be practical, straightforward and often smart-ass. Pugs is the more thoughtful, analytical and emotional one. Oh, and both of us are pretty smart. You will be free to take our advice or tell us to shove it up our lady parts. We like it when people take our advice and we like it when people shove things in our lady parts, so it’s a win-win situation.

So let’s get started! If you have a question about sex or relationships or vibrators or anything at all, just send an email to love@cometogethergiftbaskets.com.

See you next week!

Hot Dyke on Dyke Action

Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
-Blur

As ladies who love other ladies, we often find ourselves in the Butch/Femme dynamic in our relationships.

"Who wears the pants?" is a phrase I know we've all heard when questioned about our relationships- pass the barf bag. But what about our butch brothers and sisters who enjoy the same kind of masculinity within their relationships?

Personally speaking, I have never found myself to be attracted to other butch folk. I suppose I'm just a sucker for a skirt and a pair heels. However, I once danced with a rather sexy dyke and I had a really intense moment. We danced and grinned against each other. It wasn't an alpha dog experience but more of a boi on boi porno scene. She was forceful with me and it was surprisingly sexy, something I wasn't expecting. It got me thinking about the plus sides to what it would mean to date a lady like me.

Could I go butch on butch???

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Really, if you think about it, it makes sense.

It's the epitome of a queer relationship.

Two girls who look like boys who fuck each other. Hot, right?

It is quite the gender bender as well, and thats always fun.

If you have never considered the more masculine side of our fence, allow me to list a few horrendously stereotypical, but still possible upsides you might benefit from...

- If you can find butch lady that's a similar size as you, then VIOLA! New wardrobe!!
- Kiss them anytime, anywhere and no one ever has to worry about smearing the lipstick.
- You can call them to change your tire, not AAA.
- No long hair clogging the drains of your shower.
- Share the same social views on what the world is like for someone doesn't appear straight.
- Nothing will ever be broken between 2 Tool Slingers in the house.

I think thats definitely a list to consider. Enough to switch sides?

Maybe if I'm ever single again I'll give it a whirl...

Maybe.

Packin' Heat

Don't worry, Its not loaded....or is it???

For all you gender-bending-butch out there, listen up! It's time to talk about the wonderful world of PACKING!

Last year for my birthday my gal bought me a packy and a strap. Packy's are offered in different sizes and colors normally flesh tones. They are completely flaccid and include balls to make them seem and feel as realistic as possible. Packing is the term used when someone is wearing one. It's possible that I've been living under a
rock because I had never heard of or seen a packy before my girlfriend one upon me.

"You bought me a flaccid dildo!" I said almost disappointed wondering why she would by me a useless lump on floppy plastic and a strap. I was trying to stay upbeat since it was a gift after all. Obviously I imagined that you would wear the thing, but for what reason? This would not be helpful in the bedroom. What I didn't realize then was...that was exactly the point.

Once I stepped into the elastic strap, pulled it up and put my new cock in the pouch that holds it, I pulled my boxer briefs over it and looked down at my now realistic and quite large. I zipped up my jeans and headed out to the movies with my beautiful girl. I didn't tell her I was wearing it, I was hoping she would find out, and once the lights dimmed in the theater, she felt that i was definitely packin' some heat. From the theater seats, to the booth at dinner and the car ride home my packy got plenty of attention. Once I got home I put him away and swapped him out for his big brother "Randy". Maybe you don't need all the gory details...

The point is Lads, the packy is a fun toy for those who want to play outside of the bedroom as well as inside. Packing is fun for everyone and will turn a lot of girls on in ways you couldn't imagine. Also, packing can be a personal thing just for you, wear it to work- no one has to know. It's a way to express yourself within your own underwear and it doesn't have to be shared unless of course you'd like to share. Sharing is caring! And if you don't want to share...make sure not to tell her about it. Watch her eyes get wide and her mouth drop open when she finds out on her own.

Google search Babeland, The Pleasure Chest or Grand Opening for packy options online.

The more common sex shop like Condom Revolution often have these too, but not as good of a selection. I recommend going to a dyke friendly shop and talking to them about whats right for you.


***TIP***

As flattering as it may seem to get the largest cock possible, having a huge packy flopping around like that in your pants is more of a pain in the ass than you'd think. The medium size packy is perfect for me and I'm 6'2.

Felice Newman, Author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, NeedsYour Help

Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Women Couples have you been together for 5+ years and do you enjoy a satisfying sex life?

For those of our readers who are in long-term relationships, here is an opportunity to share your experience and help in the creation of a new book from Felice Newman, the woman who wrote The Lesbian Bible and by that I mean The Whole Lesbian Sex Book....

Felice Newman has asked us here at Lesbiatopia to ask you, our readers, just what makes your sexual relationship work and she needs your help in researching a new sex guide for lesbian couples.



The Whole Lesbian Sex Book has informed, supported, and entertained many thousands of women in the nearly 10 years since it was published. Now Felice Newman turning her attention to couples. As a somatic coach and sex educator, she has help many couples who are quite unsatisfied with their sex lives and feels her new book will be an empowering resource for our community.

Felice is conducting confidential interviews (via telephone) with couples who enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship and she is interested in exploring the ways we “grow” our sexual partnerships.

She wants to know what makes your sexual relationship work. How do you sustain erotic interest over the years? How do you face the sexual challenges that inevitably arise in a long-term relationship? How has your coupled sexuality evolved? How does your partnership support your sexual growth and pleasure? In short, what are the payoffs of an ongoing sexual relationship?

Ms Newman would like to hear from couples who have been together 5+ years, and who feel their sexual relationship “works” - however you would define that. (Even if you wouldn’t say you have the perfect sex life, if you are generally fulfilled in your sexual relationship, she still want to hear from you.)

There will be a reciprocal aspect to these interviews. In these telephone conversation, you’ll have an opportunity to ask her questions, too.

All interviews will be strictly confidential, and interviewees will be quoted anonymously in her book.

Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme or androgynous; polyamorous, monogamous; adventurous, sensual, kinky; boi, MTF, intersex, traditionally gendered or trans; sexually experienced or new to sexual exploration,Felice would like to hear from you.

To find more information on how you can help, including how to participate go to Help Felice Newman!

Lesbian Sex: Is Fisting For You?

An Article by Special Guest Writer Dirtygrrl...

With each new relationship come new experiences.

So when I suggested that we try something completely different my new girlfriend was ready & willing....

It all started with a conversation my best friend Trailer & I had about 5 years ago. We were talking about our usual subject: sex. We somehow got on the subject of :fisting



Now Trailer has been with the same woman, her wife, for about 20 years now, so I asked her if she had fisted before.

She said that she had and explained that it could be quite pleasurable if done carefully. I couldn't believe it could be done without severe pain, after all, I had given birth twice and am well aware of the pain that comes with the stretching of your vagina.

This was not very appealing to me at that time in my life. The very thought of trying it made me cringe.

Fast forward ahead 5 years.

I am now in a young relationship with a hot ass, incredibly sexy woman who is willing to try anything I lay on the table. I find my girlfriend to be one of the hottest chicks on the planet. She takes me to a whole new level when it comes to sex and love, making me feel incredible with the way we move together. It's like one of those perfect fits that you only read about in romance novels. She makes me so hot that I just want to try anything new I can with her.

I decided to revisit the fisting thing with Trailer. I asked her how someone would go about trying such a thing.

She explained that you should start with clean hands and well-trimmed fingernails. Generously lube your hand up past the wrist. Then try inserting a few fingers into the vagina to loosen it up a little bit. You then slowly insert your hand in with the thumb facing up. Slowly and carefully, work the hand in and when it gets up far enough, it will naturally curl into a fist. She said, "If the insertion of the entire hand is not feasible or comfy, you can always just use the four fingers and about half of the palm. That way, you can have the thumb on the outside working the clit, which ahem, from personal experience, is not altogether unpleasant! Then after a period of time, the thumb is usually more than welcome, in which case remove all bracelets, thumb rings and wristwatches."

I posed the question to my girl one night about trying fisting. She was more than willing to give it a try. The next time we are able to get together, we had a bottle of lube and a porno movie. My girl decided that it would be a great time to pound me. She lubed up her hand & started to rub her hand up & down my entire pussy from top to bottom. This in itself was an incredibly pleasurable experience.

After working me to the edge of an orgasm in a lather of cum and lube, she inserted her fingers. I can tell you that the feel of her fingers going inside me made me feel like I could die at any moment just from my heart racing in my chest. She then continued to work her palm and fingers inside me. I forgot to tell her about stretching out the hole a bit. I was so horny at that point, I could have cared less. All I could seem to mutter was to have the thumb towards the top, not facing down.

I remembered the words of Trailer echoing in my head. "Go slow with the thumb knuckle, it's a bitch". This was quickly wiped from my mind as my girl worked her way in with an excruciatingly slow thrusting motion. I told her to stop because it hurt. I mean it really hurt. She froze in place and calmly waited for me to tell her to start again. When I finally gave her the green light, I decided I would take it all in no matter how painful it would be.

She pushed her hand in and I felt the pain of what I could only describe as my pussy ripping to shreds. I gave a quick jerk and winced. She whispered to me, "It's in, Baby. It's in." God, that was so sexy. After a moment of attempting to relax, she proceed to try to open and close the fist. This was a bit painful to me so I asked her to stop. Then she tried turning her wrist around as far as she could and then back the other way. She kept trying new ways of moving her hand. She would ask me what hurt and what felt good.

I really liked the turning of the wrist. I found this to be extremely arousing and I quickly came (which is a rarity for me). When she pulled her hand out slowly, it felt so good that I came again. When it was over, I remember the feel of her hot, wet hand on my thigh. It was fantastic and I knew I would be doing this with her again.

The next day, my vagina was really sore but I wanted to feel her fist inside me again so badly that I was up for another round. By the time she was finished rubbing my vagina with her lubed up hand, I was practically begging her to fuck me. She proceeded to fist me again. This time, it was slightly more painful so I decided that I needed a little help from my vibrator. I came with an amazing concession of contractions that left me feeling as if I'd done a thousand crunches. Another painful yet pleasurable experience.

I have to say that she was so sweet and kept asking me if it hurt. I told her it did hurt but in a good way. She told me that it was hard to tell if I was hurting or enjoying the experience. She asked me to just say stop if it was hurting me. I couldn't really spit out much more than that since she was driving me insane but I agreed to communicate the best I could. I think it's important that when you try this, you really communicate with your partner.

The third time my baby fisted me, I decided that the best part of the experience was when she pulled out of me. I asked her to slowly move her fist in and out of my vagina. This repetition nearly drove me over the edge - I found such great pleasure in it. It just seems to keep getting better which each fisting.

I want to be sure to tell you that the key to fisting is to go slow. You can injure your lover if you pull out too fast.

Some books will tell you that it's okay to punch your fist in & out. This is only for the experienced fister, of course. And remember, just because I found this to be one of the most erotic experiences of my life, but that doesn't mean that fisting is for everyone. Many women are initially too tight but could take some time to work up to the fist. Some may never get past one finger. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about if this isn't your thing. Be careful and enjoy the moment. Here's to hoping you, too, can find an open minded girl like mine who is willing to try fun new things.

The L Word and Its Lack of Monogamy

Now before I really delve into the topic of The L Word and monogamy, I would like to state for the record that I LOVE the L Word! I'm a HUGE fan and think it's a really entertaining show to watch. I'm actually quite saddened that next year will be the 6th and final season, and as much as I like to make fun of Ilene Chaiken and the other writers for their cheesy plot lines and writing, you know that my ass is parked in front of that TV every Sunday night at 7pm PST. With that said, I would like to explore the lack of monogamy themes on our favorite lesbian drama, The L Word.

Ever since the first season of The L Word, cheating has been incorporated into the plot about as often as two women kissing, and if you've seen the show, you'll know that's a lot. I sat down and thought about all the cheating that had occurred over the past 5 seasons and was quite shocked at the list I came up with:

Season One:
- Alice cheats on Lisa, the lesbian identified man with Andrew, who initially was set up with Dana by their mothers. Jenny cheats on Tim with Marina.
- Bette cheats on Tina with Carpenter-Candace.

Season Two:
- Dana cheats on Tonya with Alice (don’t we all remember the scene in which they go at it on the living room floor and end up in the kitchen with whip cream and strawberries…?).
- Tina cheats on Helena with Bette after the sonogram
- Kit is sleeping with married man, Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw, the motivation speaker.

Season Three:
- Shane cheats on Carmen with Cherie (and let’s not forget that Shane was with her in season one while she was still married).
- Tina cheats on Bette with Josh
- Jenny cheats on Max with the French woman at Shane and Carmen's wedding

Season Four:
- Phyllis cheats on her husband with Alice
- Angus cheats on Kit with Hazel (the skanky nanny)

Season Five:
- Shane cheats on Paige with the Realtor
- Lover Cindy cheats on Dawn Denbo with Shane
- Nikki cheats on Jenny with some actor dude

So there you have it, the proof is in the non-monogamous pudding. As I started to think more and more about these prevalent themes of cheating in the lesbian community as portrayed on The L Word, I wondered what the basis for it all was. After all, The L Word is hugely influential on the lesbian/bisexual/transgendered community. Do you think all the cheating is based on real-life lesbian experiences and that the lesbian community is really as promiscuous and anti-monogamous as the L Word portrays it to be? OR, do you think that The L Word has taken the cheating story lines too far and is depicting a negative image of what the lesbian community is like? After all, the writers of Queer As Folk got a bad rap for incorporating so much promiscuity in QAF, yet, it resonated as ironically accurate in real life. As much as we love the L Word, we can't help but deny the fact that it is watched by millions of impressionable young gay women. Is this the message we really want to give them?

Personally, I am an advocate for monogamy. I think it is important to build a healthy, stable and monogamous relationship with someone you love. I don't condone cheating and I also don't think it is acceptable. The L Word seems to paint a picture that cheating is not only prominent, but it's tolerable, showing that couples who cheat on each other get away with it, and then get back together despite of it. I understand that hot, steamy affairs add an element of intrigue, drama and excitement in a fantasy sense to the storyline, but what's to be said about a show that can't even boast ONE solid, happy, long-term, MONOGAMOUS relationship?

Although The L Word is coming to an end after next season, I would have liked to see more stable, healthy relationships thrown into the mix. It would've been nice to see one couple 'make it' and defy the stereotype that lesbians can't hold down stable long-term relationships. The one thing I really don't understand is why there is so much dysfunction in the relationships on the show, when the show is written/directed/produced by lesbians. I would probably expect this type of behavior exhibited from straight authors, prejudiced against gays, but to have such dark and negative themes from lesbians themselves can only make me think that either a) Ilene Chaiken is really jaded and has had her heart broken too many times or b) She's actually straight.

Call me the eternal optimist, if you will, but maybe I've just read too many love stories, written too many romantic poems and dreamed too many dreams of being swept away by Princess Charming to want to be able to watch a show where lesbians get to have their "Happily Ever After" too. Here's hoping the final season of The L Word gives us something wonderful to look forward to, for once.

Guitar Hero is for Lovers (and Lesbians)

You're probably wondering what in the world lovers (and lesbians) have to do with Guitar Hero. Well, you'll be surprised to learn there's a lot more than you think.

It all started back at the end of January. I purchased Guitar Hero as a gift for my girlfriend, who had been raving about her playing experience over the holidays. In fact, she wouldn't shut up about how awesome it was which shocked me because up until that point in life, the girl would rather wash dishes than play a video game. I had to see what this alluring game had to offer, why the masses were talking about how it was hotter than disco at Studio 54 and why my anti-video-game girlfriend seemed to have fallen into a Guitar Hero trance.

Needless to say, we had it up and running the same day I brought that little bundle of joy home, and like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing, I. was. addicted.

Here's what brings me to my correlation between lovers (and lesbians) and Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero IS



4. Time of Day - The time of day that Guitar Hero is played is indicative of the time that love-making will most likely occur. Is she a morning player? Does she prefer some afternoon delight, or is she the typical 'in-the-evenings-but-only-on-the-weekends-and-never-on-the-weekdays-because-she's-
too-tired-from-work' type? If her playing habits are completely and utterly sporadic, yet consistent and often, than you are going to be one lucky lady, getting those incredible love-making sessions often and around the clock!

5. Finger Work - Guitar Hero is a game of fast-movin' finger work and hand-eye coordination. This is the most important factor of all for scrutinizing her love-making abilities. Do her fingers stumble carelessly like a drunk guy dialing his ex-girlfriend? Does she look like an arthritic with carpal tunnel or do her phalanges grace the guitar buttons with a deliciously seductive ease? Finger work success in the game means you are one sexually satisfied video game enthusiast.

Now that I have taken you through all the important factors on why Guitar Hero is for lovers, I don't expect you to take this information with a grain of salt. In fact, the statistical analysis on Guitar Hero and love-making presented to you in this article has been proven to be almost 95.4% effective (with a standard deviation of 69). So I encourage all of you lesbians to give your lover the ultimate test! Get Guitar Hero and find out how good (or bad) your lover really is.

I can tell you from personal experience that ever since we got the game, our love-making has increased exponentially. I can only imagine what will happen when she beats the game. ;)

To see the infamously hot girlfriend of Lesberitasecond to best, you can watch the video here (I would show you what she does best

Self Love: What Chocolate and Masturbation Have In Common

“If it feels this good,” the old joke goes, “it’s got to be bad for you!” But does it?



In the case of two favorite feel-good indulgences, it’s just not so. Masturbation and chocolate feel good and provide a load of benefits. On this Valentine’s Day, in the spirit of self-loving, let’s look at the things these two favorite indulgences have in common:

Both are loaded with social stigma.
Both masturbation and chocolate are favorite indulgences of many women. (After all, studies have show that an estimated 89 percent of women will masturbate in their lifetime and I personally suspect that the women who make up the other 11 percent live in red states and are afraid to admit it.) However, lots of women nibble chocolate in private and masturbate in the dark. In some circles, publicly eating chocolate is tantamount to admitting you’re throwing all diet caution to the wind. And many women think masturbation is only for desperate times when they’re without a partner. Research is showing we’d be happier and healthier with more of both. What better time than Valentine’s Day to celebrate the two?

Both are great for your heart and your health.
Recent research has found that cocoa and other chocolates may keep high blood pressure down, your blood flowing and your heart healthy. Substances in found in chocolate (at the highest levels in dark chocolate) called flavonoids, may help keep our blood platelets from sticking together and our arteries from clogging. (The way that cocoa powder and chocolate syrups are manufactured removes most of the beneficial flavonoids.) Likewise, orgasm (achieved with a partner or through masturbation) will provide a light aerobic workout, burn calories, and lower blood pressure. There’s some evidence that a hormone called oxytocin, released during orgasm, may help to prevent breast cancer.

They’ll both make you feel happier, relaxed, and loved.
During orgasm, the body releases a chemical called PEA (phenylethylamine), and this substance is also found in small amounts in chocolate. PEA can create the feeling of being in love. It is also the reason both masturbation and chocolate can give us an energy kick and a mood boost. PEA increases attention and activity in animals and was shown, in one study, to relieve depression in 60 percent of depressed patients.

Additionally, chocolate also contains anandamide, an antidepressant compound that binds to the same receptors in the brain as marijuana and produces a slight feeling of elation. Anandamide is also produced naturally in the body, and other chemicals in chocolate slow the breakdown of this chemical, prolonging its effects. Two more chemicals in chocolate, theobromine and tryptophan, both contribute to an enhanced sense of well-being.

There is also a small amount of caffeine in chocolate, although it should be noted that an ounce of milk chocolate only contains as much caffeine as a decaffeinated cup of coffee.

They'll give you an endorphin high.
The sweet taste of chocolate can trigger the release of chemicals called endorphins. Endorphins are also released after orgasm and can help to boost mood and decrease our sensitivity to pain. They are thought to be involved in controlling the body’s response to stress. This is the reason masturbation has been shown in several studies to be an effective depression fighter.

While the chemicals in chocolate often make people feel relaxed and happy but alert, masturbation is an effective (and pleasant!) cure for insomnia.

Additionally, masturbation can relieve menstrual cramps and fight yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvis, strengthen pelvic muscles (resulting in increased orgasmic response), and help to balance reproductive hormones, which may ease the symptoms of PMS and menopause.

So with all the things masturbation and chocolate have in common, it seems they might be best in combination:

Italian researchers found that women who eat chocolate regularly have a better sex life than those who deny themselves the treat. Those consuming chocolate reported the highest levels of desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

Urologists from a hospital in Milan questioned 163 women about their consumption of chocolate as well as their experience of sexual fulfillment. They concluded:

“Chocolate can have a positive physiological impact on a woman’s sexuality."

Masturbation can too.

It can boost sexual self-confidence, and in turn, self-esteem. Masturbation provides a readily available sexual experience devoid of social stress and the pressures of pleasing another. It can be a method of self-exploration that will enhance a partnered sexual experience. In short, if you don’t know what pleases you and feels good, how will you be able to show someone else?

So, for the sake of your health, take that box of Valentine’s chocolates and head off to have some private time!

Sexual Lubrication: A Slippery Topic

Recently, on a local women’s forum, someone posted an anonymous request for advice.

Fighting off my urge to answer it there, I realized that this would be a relevant health topic for Lesbiatopia, a forum where more women will read it, and hopefully benefit.

This was her query:

“I'm dating someone new who just doesn't get wet when we have sex. She says she never has with anyone and that it isn't related to her desire. If I go down on her, she comes with no problem, but otherwise she has to use lots of lube. Is there anything we can do about this? Like a change of diet or anything? Or should I just get over it and use lube?”

There are two different things at work in this question. The first is about the reason the new girlfriend may not be lubricating, but underlying that question, there seems to be lube-a-phobia on the part of the woman asking.

Let’s address the two things in order.

Women lubricate at different rates. Sexual responsiveness is highly individualized. Wetness is not always an indicator of arousal or ability to respond sexually. That said, changes in lubrication should be noted for health reasons like any other change in bodily function. A sudden decrease in your body’s ability to lubricate can be an indicator of a vaginal infection or other condition and warrants a trip to your health professional.

Emotional discomfort can have an effect on lubrication. Feeling embarrassed, shy, or unsafe can affect a woman’s ability to relax and get turned on. So can external stress factors (job, family, money, etc.) and exhaustion.

The most common reason for women not lubricating during sex is lack of foreplay, or a need for more stimulation. There’s a double-whammy here, because manual stimulation – even externally – can be uncomfortable, even painful, for some women when they’re dry. Painful stimulation can adversely affect their ability to begin lubricating, and a vicious cycle begins.

This is one situation where a few drops of lube, applied externally, can really help to get the old ball rolling. Faster, more direct and to the point: Lick your fingers.

Saliva, of course, should only be used as a lubricant if you’re fluid-bonded with your partner. If you’re using dental dams and gloves, an appropriate lube (more below on what’s appropriate when) will make things go much more smoothly.

For some women, that initial jumpstart is all it takes to get their internal juices flowing.

Others, however, may need assistance with lubrication all along the way.

A woman’s ability to lubricate can potentially be affected by changes in her hormones, medications, personal habits, diet, and stress level.

Varying levels of hormones can affect a woman’s wetness. Menopause is a classic time for changes, as is the post-partum period and during breastfeeding. In fact, anything that changes hormone levels could potentially affect lubrication, including hysterectomy and invasive procedures, medical conditions, and nutritional supplements. Reduced lubrication can be linked to low levels of estrogen, and it’s easy to have your estrogen levels checked by your physician or nurse practitioner.

Many medications can potentially reduce lubrication including antihistamines, cold pills, birth control pills, appetite suppressants, diuretics, testosterone supplements, and anti-depressants.

The use of harsh detergent cleansers can irritate delicate vaginal tissues and have an effect on lubrication. Likewise, many bubble bath and bath salt preparations can be irritating, no matter how pretty they smell, and relaxing they feel.

Super-absorbent tampons may reduce a woman’s natural secretions, and many women find a dab of lube beneficial during their menstrual cycle. (Not to mention a quick way to ease cramps!)

It’s hard to find evidence linking diet to changes in lubrication, but it stands to reason that a very low-fat diet, especially one low in the “good fats” like olive, fish, and nut oils, may have an adverse effect. Dehydration, which can be a result of exercise, heat, and over-consumption of caffeine and alcohol, will affect your body’s ability to produce fluids. (So while alcohol is a social lubricant, it’s not a personal one!)

On the subject of food, I have to say, food makes a lousy lubricant. Honey, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, fruit, and other legendary sex toppings will trigger yeast infections in many (if not most) women. Spread them on each other and lick yourselves silly, but only above the waist, please.

This brings me to the second part of the question, about whether the asker is experiencing lube-a-phobia.

Over the years in casual and more intimate conversation, I’ve noticed that women often have strong feeling about using lube. Dare I say, lube can be a slippery topic?

Some women love the stuff. As one of my friends says “just using it feels so dirty.” Other can’t stand it, or as another says “ using it just feels so dirty.”

(I’m betting that the ones that can’t stand it need it the least.)

Some treat the use of lube like an admission of defeat, thinking they can’t get aroused enough, or can’t arouse their partners enough. Often one partner wants it but is shy about introducing it to the other. Some women think it’s only for use with sex toys, or during anal sex or fisting (the later two activities definitely require lube to protect delicate tissues). Some don’t like the texture, smell, or taste.

Today there are so many different lubes on the market, there’s definitely something for every desire. No one needs to be rubbed the wrong way.

Most modern lubes are relatively thin. Some are available in thicker gel-like solutions. None are thick and sticky like the red grease used to pack bearings.

Side note to mechanics and others: Petroleum products like Vaseline, baby oil, and axle grease never make good lube. They can cause irritation, infection, and break down toys and barriers.

Lubes come in three basic varieties: Water-soluble, glycerin-based, and silicone-based.

Water-soluble lubes tend to rinse off, and out, of the body easily, and are therefore least likely to irritate. They’re condom and toy safe. However, they may need to be reapplied during use.

Glycerin-based lubes are slipperier than water-based. They’re safe with toys. However, some women find that glycerin-based lubricants can trigger yeast infections. Glycerin is, chemically, refined from glycerol, a sugar alcohol. It makes a super-slick, sweeter-tasting lube, but can cause the same problems as that porn film favorite, whipped cream (although without the silly mustache).

Silicone-based lubes are the slipperiest but have a texture more like oil. While they’re eventually absorbed by the body (and are reportedly non-toxic), they don’t wash off as easily as the water-based products, especially when used internally. They can be used in the water. (Although I can’t vouch that they’re good for your hot tub’s filter!) They’re not safe for use with some toy and barrier materials, including silcone, Cyberskin, and Softskin, but provide lots of long-lasting slipperiness for high-friction activities. They’re also the most expensive.

Amongst all these lube choices are options that are thicker, thinner, flavored, self-warming, and minty-fresh. Some have all-natural ingredients. Any good purveyor of sex accessories like Good Vibrations or Babeland will sell a variety of lubes and be able to provide information about their products' uses, restrictions, qualities, and ingredients. Some shops even sell sampler packets so you can try a variety. Familiar drugstore labels like KY and Astroglide have introduced new products in recent years with more of the features of boutique brands, including products that double as personal massage oils.

So, if you’re lube-a-phobic, broaden your horizons and try some of the options available.

And, to the woman who asked the question, I’ll ask this one in return: If your new girlfriend wants lube and says it will make sex better for her, why the heck aren’t you sprinting out to get her some?

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The Dr. of Love is in the House

Looking for love in all the wrong places? You're not the only one. Finding the love of your life is about as easy as finding the best Cher impersonator at Drag night; there are so many choices but how do you know who's really the best?
Our friends over at Queerty.com sat down with the Dr. of Love herself, Dr. Helen Fisher. Not only is she known for being the leading expert on relationships, she uses her extensive background in evolutionary anthropology to merge physiological and emotional aspects of love. Having received my Bachelor's of Science in Zoology and Animal Behavior, this article really tickled my fancy so I was more than happy to report back on this intriguing article with such a knowledgeable figure.

Perhaps her most famous study, set forth in her 1992 book, Anatomy of Love, broke relationships down into three self-explanatory "stages": lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage develops at its own rate, typically playing out over many months, starting off in a compassionate stage and ending with a deep emotional attachment that leads into a companionate love.

Because of her reputation as a leading "love scientist", she was invited by the very gay-friendly dating site Chemistry.com to develop their match-making questionnaire. Dr. Fisher developed a 56 Question survey that focused on elements of attraction and compatibility unlike Chemistry.com's competitor eHarmony.com (founded by an evangelical Christian) whose match-making Questionnaire centers around mainly common interests, compatibility, family values and morals. I have to wonder how hot the sex is in those relationships. Queerty.com caught up with Dr. Fisher on the ins and outs of love (and everything in between). Here are some of my favorite highlights from her incredibly honest, informative interview:

Queerty: With regard to chemistry.com – you were brought on to help structure the way it's set up, to bring people together. Personality is pretty easy to test, but how do you inject the hormonal part into a website?

Dr. Helen Fisher: I ask questions to find out. Okay, there are these four "types" – explorer, builder, the negotiator and the director, associated respectively with dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. You can be high on both estrogen and testosterone. It's not a positive and a negative. They don't fight each other. We have over a hundred different known transmitters and hormones that affect the brain, but the vast majority just keep us blinking, keep us breathing, etc. There are not that many that are associated with personality traits, and these are the four that are associated with personality traits. Before I read anything about personality, I read about the biology and found these four types. But you asked how I inject them on the internet – I ask both kinds of questions. The very first question is "Do you like to do things at the spur of the moment?" It's a question that's all about dopamine. Or, "Do you have more energy than most people?" Dopamine's associated with energy.

QT: There's no difference between the gay test and the straight test?

HF: Oh, god, no. In fact, I would object seriously to that, because I don't think gays are any different than straights, but the one preliminary test I did of who choose who, my gay population chose exactly the same as my straight population. No difference.

QT: What about tops and bottoms – passive and aggressive - in gay relationships? Is there any sort of chemical difference?

HF: Um, the data that I've read is that some gay men have a much greater level of estrogen.

QT: What do you think about this dyadic adjustment thing that eharmony uses to prove their method's effectiveness?

HF: First of all, they've never published an article on any of their data. The only thing that I know was a paper [from] the psychological association (linked above) and they talked about this DAS test and apparently – I can't quite remember – they took their own couples that got married and they took random couples who did not meet on eHarmony. They gave them all the DAS test and their results were that their couples were more different from each other than the randoms. More different!! [eHarmony matches] by similarity. These people fall in love in spite of the system of eHarmony, not because of it. The data showed that the couples that got together on eHarmony were more unalike than normal. I don't want to be dumping on other sites, largely because anywhere you go that you meet people is a good place to go, no question, but there's no academic proof that those points of compatibility are better for a long-term marriage. No proof. There's no proof against it and there's no proof for it. Basically, academics do not know what keeps people together long term. Anybody who tells you they do it either lying or ignorant, because what they find is that we know we tend to go out and marry and are attracted to people who are similar only in a certain amount of ways – socioeconomic background, ethnic background, religious values, same degree of good looks, same degree of intelligence and same degree of education. That's all they know. Period.

Interestingly enough, the founder of eHarmony Dr. Neil Clark Warren defends his right to deny gays on eHarmony by stating that his "research has only been developed to match couples and has been based on traits and personality patterns of successful heterosexual marriages." Ironically, Dr. Fisher's own research of who chose who in a preliminary test showed that the gay population chose exactly the same as the straight population. If you ask me, a Masters of Evolutionary Anthropology has much more credibility than a Masters of Divinity, but really who wants credibility when it comes to matters of the heart. I'll let you be the judge of that.

Read the entire interview at Queerty.com

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Tags: love, Dr. Helen Fisher, Anatomy of Love, lust, attraction, attachment, love scientist

The 100th Lesbiatopia Post: 69 Reasons Why We Love Being A Lesbian

Lesbiatopia is happy to celebrate it's 100th post - in my eyes, it's a milestone and very exciting that we've come this far. In an effort to pop open the proverbial bottle of champagne, the Contributors of Lesbiatopia have decided to share with you 69 Reasons Why We Love Being A Lesbian. Why 69 and not 100? Well, because when you're a lesbian, 69 is so much better and in the words of Dubbs, "We're here, we're queer, and we're sharing it with the world!" So here you go world, our elusive, exclusive and ejaculatory list of delicious fabulousness. Try not to drool while reading. And to the boys - no need to feel inferior, this was all done in good fun.


Lesberita
1. You don’t have to worry about gagging from a “deep throat job”
2. You never have to worry about finding the toilet seat up
3. You can fix your own car and get your hair done within the same afternoon
4. Your orgasms are real. Always. And so are hers.
5. You never have to swallow
6. You never have to worry about facial hair touching you, anywhere
7. No one cares if you don’t wear a bra
8. You can wear a dick and use it better than most guys
9. Foreplay is an art
10. You are your own form of birth control
11. Women smell amazing
12. You don’t feel like a piece of meat, when she checks you out
13. You can cuddle without feeling like you have to “put out”
14. You find a woman’s intellect to be sexy
15. You watch porn for entertainment purposes
16. You feel bad for strippers
17. Orgasms are like Cornucopias – they should called the horn of plenty
18. You never have to worry about breaking a nail, because you don’t have any
19. You can pretty much have sex anywhere, at anytime, while flying completely under the radar
20. Sex in public bathrooms is so much easier
21. 69ing is so much more fun (and a lot easier too)

Hillbilly
22. I love the smell of a woman
23. I get to do the motor boat in my girlfriend’s fabulous tits every day!
24. I love the emotional availability of a woman
25. I love the nurturing care a woman offers
26. I love watching my girlfriend get ready for a night on the town – watching her get out of the shower naked, put on her perfume, do her makeup
27. I like the feel of a soft pussy over a hard, intrusive penis
28. I love cuddling and feeling my girlfriend’s soft skin
29. I love kissing a woman’s soft lips (yes, both of them – cuz I know that’s what you’re thinking!)
30. I get to have a best friend and a partner all in one
31. I get to wear her clothes and use her make-up!!!

Dubbs
32. great nicknames...like carpet muncher
33. sex on a first date...without fear of pregnancy
34. "no man's ever going to tell ME what to do!"
35. it's like dating yourself
36. double the wardrobe, double the FUN!
37. WAY less body hair
38. no spooging in your face
39. women taste better
40. especially the vegan ones
41. one word...BOOBIES!!!
42. "we were just switching clothes, officer!"
43. No 2 clits are alike!
44. Women make sexier bedroom noises
45. Lingerie you can BOTH wear!
46. Double headed dildos
47. The ultimate in feminism
48. Chick flicks are just movies in a lesbians house
49. better kisses
50. no scratchy faces
51. you LIKE when she grabs your ass
52. if it really came down to it, you could totally find SOME dude who'd pay to watch you go down on your girlfriend
53. women don't pass out after orgasms
54. you can do her front ways, back ways, and side ways cuz the wrist moves freer than the hips
55. fingers always fit
56. never having to deal with "morning wood"
57. less farting...which I don't actually know is true but women do not take pride in it
58. you could call her your "roommate" and it's ok

Paula the Surf Mom
59. premature ejaculation? what IS that?
60. Eating pussy is good for the complexion… it always makes mine pretty rosy any way.
61. The trashman never sees used condoms in your trash when he hauls it away.
62. If you work it right you and your partner never have to buy your own drinks when you go out… all you have to do it make out… the guys in the bar will just keep em coming just so you keep it going.
63. Lesbians know that you can do more with your fingers then send text messages.
64. Somebody will always has a tampon in an emergency
65. And your partner won’t get all embarrassed if you send them to the store to get you some.
66. You are very popular… girls like lesbians, they all want to kiss us….guys like lesbians, they all want to watch movies about us… everybody likes lesbians.
67. Two mommies in the house are always better then one daddy on the golf course
68. You are sure somebody can cook
69. It good to have a partner who has a sense of fashion







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Tags: humor, Lesbian Life, sex

Coming Out

When I was nine years old my neighbor Mary, also nine, tried to kiss me under the stairs where we were playing House. I looked away, told her that we might get in trouble and resumed making the faux dinner out of my dad’s old shoe, which I called a steak. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to – trust me, I did – but at that age red flags went up. Danger, Danger! But it wasn’t too long after that I tried to dry hump my friend Susannah while we played House in my bedroom (I was the Dad and Suzannah was the Mom). Yes, I liked playing house at that age; it was a good excuse to explore adulthood without feeling silly or having the consequences that come from being a stupid teenager. Those stories are for another blog post! Anyway, my attempt at riding Susannah failed miserably when she pushed me off and decided the game was over. It was about this time that I realized I liked girls. I was boy crazy…but all of a sudden I was girl crazy, too! I started to allow myself these new feelings and embrace what it would be like to be with a girl. I would steal my dad’s single copy of Playboy that he stashed in a brown paper bag in the closet (I always put it back and crumpled it up exactly how I found it), which got me highly aroused. I was a horny kid, and I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t act on these feelings until I was much older.

I had a long term boyfriend throughout most of high school and then started dating a new guy when I was seventeen, end of my senior year. It was with this second major relationship that I would, for the first time, truly explore my gayness. My ex-boyfriend, we’ll call “Dude,” worked at a large gay nightclub as a bar back. It was at this club, one of the most popular in Miami at the time, where I met my first girlfriend. Well, she wasn’t officially my girlfriend, but she was a friend that I had sex with on several occasions. Funny how guys don’t mind when their girlfriends hook up with other girls. Lucky for me that was the case or I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to get with the program. I remember going to the club to meet Dude one night and feeling like a kid in a candy store when I walked through its doors – it was filled with gay boys in thongs on rollerblades carrying pink, potent concoctions in small vials – these cost almost eight bucks and got you totally fucked up – and beautiful, hot girls dancing on the tables. All of a sudden, all those feelings I had had earlier on as kid came rushing back. But now I was allowed to do something about it and a large army couldn’t stop me.

A couple drinks is all it took for me to approach a stunning green-eyed, brunette, who I later learned was from England, named Angela. We talked while I hung on her every accented word. We danced, we kissed, we went back to her apartment on South Beach and had sex on her futon until her gay husband, who she married so she could live in the country, walked in on us bare-butt in the living room. We reenacted this evening several times until it manifested itself into a threesome-gone-terribly-wrong with Dude and I decided I liked Angela without Dude’s company. Although it took me some time and many years later to fully come out, I would have sexual escapades with several women before I finally accepted my fate and told my parents that I was a lesbian. I look back on my relationships and wish that I hadn’t wasted so much time with men, but I don’t regret my past. However, I’ve never been as happy as I am now and completely relish my super gayness with my super fiancé ! The End.

Tags: Coming Out, sex, girl crazy, explore my gayness, gay, lesbian

Tongue-Tied

Tongue-Tied

-- dedicated to RZ

Tick tock
Lip lock
I want to get home
and throw you on top
of the bed, the counter,
the couch and the stairs
I want to undress you
And mess up your hairs
Let’s go to our den
And then when we’re done
We’ll repeat our affairs
And have some more fun

Tick tock
Lip lock
I’m thinking about you
and I just can’t stop
Undressing your body
With my eyes and my mind
While sitting at work
Wasting valuable time
You’re driving me crazy
And you’re not even here
But I’m letting you know
That I’m being sincere

Tick tock
Lip lock
Time’s moving backwards
my jaw’s gonna drop
on the chair, then the floor
My quick thrusty hips
are headed straight for the door
to see you, let’s rendezvous
How ‘bout a ride?
in my car, with my thighs
Pressed against
Your sweet prize

Tick tock
Lip lock
Only 2 more hours
When will it stop?
Got this crazy feeling
In my heart and my soul
It’s a love explosion
And I’m ready to roll
This love’s on fire
And I’m about to roam
right into your arms
Baby, I’m comin’ home

Tags: humor, lesbian, love, passion, poem, poerty, sex

I Say My Own Name In Bed

I sometimes think my life emulates a badly made Farrelly Brother's comedy and no, I don't masturbate a lot. I am actually the result of a same-sex, same-name relationship. My name is Renee and my girlfriend's name is also Renee.

I think the whole same-name relationship phenomena occurs much more frequently in same-sex couples (for obvious reasons) than in heterosexual ones, although I have yet to meet another couple who shares the same name like we do. I have heard stories, though. There's always someone whose friend's brother's cousin's uncle's mechanic is dating a guy who has the same name. You know how to old story goes.



People always ask us, "Is it weird to have the same name?" and the answer is "Yes and No". When we first met, which was through online, I was excited at how much we had in common and how cute she was. We had such a great connection, I didn't even give the same name thing much thought. When you think about it, you don't generally address people by their first names very often when in engaged in casual conversation. I think the most entertaining part of it all is introducing ourselves (or being introduced) to other people. I have never in my life received such a veritable range of reactions and/or facial expressions from the introductory party. If I had a nickel for every time someone said, "wait...what were your names??" I'd be a very rich girl.

Our friends/family have come up with an array of obnoxious nicknames to rectify the rather awkward situation: Renee 1 and 2, Reneesquared (thanks Mom), Benee (for blonde Renee), "your girlfriend", Blondie and Red, Renee-to-the-second-power, and my favorite, Mary Ellen. This all doesn't change the fact that we both still turn when our name is called. And if we ever get married? Well, neither of us could adopt the other's last name without literally becoming the same person.

I think the worst part of all is that horrible 1960's song by Left Banke "Just Walk Away Renee" which somehow seems to come to everyone's mind when they hear our name. It's bad enough we have the same name, but you're not making it any better when you and 6 of your friends chyme in to a round of this overly annoying song (I might be biased, but still). In case you've never heard it, here's a horrible YouTube video of the original.



All in all, at the end of the day, I don't see Renee as the girl with the same name as me, but as my partner, my equal. Have we tried yelling each other's names out in bed? Sure; it always gets us a good laugh.

Tags: humor, Lesbian Life, relationships, sex, dating

Lesbians Know How To Pick Women: The Top 100 Plus My Fav 5

Read my post from QueerSighted.com

Tags: celebrity, hot 100, hot lesbians, hot women, maxim