A Blog Post That Resonated

Yesterday, I spent the day home in bed, sick with a cold. I wrote a blog post. Someone from India read it. She wrote a post about it and a flood of her readers came over to visit and comment. Then, one of those readers featured it on her site and it's sort of taken off. It seems to have resonated with so many people that I wanted to share it with you. Here it is:

"Live Your Truth" by Sinnerviewer

I remember a long time ago, Oprah did a show about living as your authentic self. Her whole show, and many shows that season, was about how many of us do not live our lives where we are true to ourselves or who we are.
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I remember watching it thinking to myself, "I would love to do that." But I knew that I would not be able to be me. I was living my life as me, but not all of who I am. Only the parts that I knew would be acceptable to most people. I know to really be me would cost me dearly and I wasn't ready to pay.
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Life has a way of bring full pressure to bear on the things that you need to change and there was no escaping it for me. I had to change or die. Since I have 2 of the most amazing children on the planet, I chose to live my life according to my truth.
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Since then, I've had some people tell me that they could no longer live their lives with me in it. I accepted this because I know that there are ignorant people out there who think that because they now have additional information about me, they wrongly think it fundamentally changes the core of who I am.
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Nothing could be further from the truth. I still love God. I still love my children and my family. I still think Joan Jett rocks and I still love giving and serving in my community. I am everything I was before. The only new thing is that I want to be honest about myself.
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I once listened to a sermon about faith. It taught that for us to step out in faith was really to not know what was on the other side, but just to trust God with the details and do what you know will please Him. Lying was not pleasing so I knew the truth is where I would please God. In faith, not knowing what would happen, I was honest.
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It cost me dearly but I can say that everything important to me that I have lost has been replaced by God.
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I lost my partner/friend of 23 years who told me that I would grow old and die alone without him. Instead, I fell in love for the first time within 7 weeks of ending that relationship. I can't believe how good it feels to be in love with someone that you know is the person for you. It's truly amazing!
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I lost a sibling but God restored a relationship with another sibling that my ex had damaged. We are so close now and it's a true joy to be so close and to be see him so happy. I also have the feeling of being cared for instead of always being the caretaker.
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I lost my mom and God showed me how much more emotionally giving I can be when I don't have such a millstone of judgment and disapproval around my neck. I wish the best for her but I now realize she'll never be happy with me until she's happy with herself. Sometimes, when people want out of your life, you just have to know when to let them go for good.
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When I was snubbed by my mom's side of the family this past Christmas, God used my grandma's passing to put me in touch with all of these family members that I didn't even know much about before but I am thrilled that I know now. They are loving, accepting and a joy to be around. I am thrilled at having them in my life.
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All of my church "friends" have been replaced my reconnecting with my old friends from years ago - they all live nearby and they don't judge me at all. It's total love and acceptance. I have also met so many new, amazing people who have walked in my shoes and it's so great to know that I don't walk alone. They are full of love and support.
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I feel so thankful to God that He has been faithful to take care of all of my needs. I once received a letter from a "friend" who told me that "the way of a transgressor is hard" and that's why I should come back to my life of lies. How ironic! As if to say that life as a fundamental evangelical is going to be easy.
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Reflecting on my 15 years as a fundamental evangelical, doing everything that I was told, was the hardest part of my life. I can't speak this for every evangelical that I knew, but I can say it was a large majority of them. This kind of faith is all based on circular reasoning - an incredibly frustrating fallacy.
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They'll tell you that whatever you ask, if it's according to the will of God, it will be given to you. So when you spend every day for 15 years on your face in tears praying not to be gay and God doesn't change you, they tell you that your prayers weren't sincere enough.
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They'll tell you that God loves you just as you are but then teach how unacceptable you are to God.
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They'll tell you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God himself and then tell you that if you love God, you'll be this certain way, even if it isn't who God created you to be.
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They'll describe how your spouse should be according to Biblical standards so that when you see your spouse not even close to that standard, you will feel dissatisfied and slighted and wondering how much better your life would be if only your partner would pray once in a while. You'll see them want to sleep late instead of get up early and read their Bible and feel annoyed and question their salvation and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who had their spiritual life together.
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They'll tell you that the Bible is the inerrant word of God breathed out by him and that scripture should be taken literal, unless it causes a conflict for them. (Such as not eating pork or shrimp, killing disrespectful children or stoning to death adulterers).
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They'll tell you that faith without works is dead, but then turn around and say that it's not by works, so that no man will be able to boast.
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They'll go on and on about what the Bible has to say about being a lesbian (nothing) and never mention the references to gluttony (17+) or sloth (11+) because then they'd have to address the majority of their congregation and that might co$t them money and/or members.
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They'll tell you that you have freedom in Christ to make his own decisions based upon the leading of the Holy Spirit within you but then call you out when the Holy Spirit didn't lead you the same way it led them.
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They teach that every man is capable to discerning for himself what the scriptures say but then insist that you attend Sunday School and Bible study for your regular indoctrination of systematic theology.
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They teach about how wrong it is to be legalistic, but base everything on the law. They regularly embrace the love of law and routinely shun the law of love.
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Life is hard.
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It's hard for evangelicals. It's hard for gays. It's hard for rich people and it's hard for poor people. We all get diseases. We all have crappy relatives. We all have shallow friends, car trouble and bad backs. We all have jobs we hate and none of us can understand the guy from India on the PC troubleshooting line. We might as well make our lives just a bit easier by not pressuring ourselves to be someone that we are not.
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Live your life as you are. Let people love you or leave you. The people that you want in your life will stay and be an asset and the ones that leave you never really loved you anyway. They loved what you could do for them or loved the idea of who you were, not who you really are.
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Be yourself. Live your truth. Be happy and enjoy the life that God gave you. It's short and we are not promised tomorrow. Today is all you have.

The Enlightened Dyke: Learning To Unlearn

Sometimes, the hardest part of learning is when the new ideas conflict with patterns of thought that have already been ingrained in our heads. For example, a child who grows up in a Middle Eastern culture could possibly be raised to believe that all Americans are evil. Should that child then grow up and come to America, he would likely find that what he was raised to believe does not not align with what he is now experiencing. A situation like this can be very uncomfortable, when our inner truths conflict with the reality around us. There are only two resolutions to this kind of problem: either I can reject the reality in favor of clinging to what I believe to be true, or I must be willing to accept the possibility that what I have known all my life may be wrong, and unlearn it.



I will say that the first option is the easiest. It's also the choice that most people make when faced with inconsistencies between their beliefs and their experiences. Unlearning deeply rooted beliefs can be very painful and difficult. It is the tendency of most people to stay on the easy road. In case you have yet to realize, though, the only reward of the easy road, is that it's easy.

One of the most frequent places I see this situation these days is within the religious community, with respect to the gay & lesbian community. I speak with authority from experience in this instance, because I grew up in the South, in a very religious family and community. My grandfather is a Methodist Reverend. I know what I'm talking about. People who are raised with conservative religious upbringings are very often taught that homosexuality is wrong, abnormal, and sinful behavior. It is "a choice" that one makes to go against the will of God. It is compared to murder, adultery, lying, fornication, and a host of other sins. These are all misunderstandings that have been taught for so long that they aren't even questioned anymore. However, they are not truth.

For the lucky children who never have any same-sex desires or know any gay people, this is merely an easy checkmark on the "Not To Do" list. For those who do recognize within themselves the unmistakable pull of same-gender attraction, however, the result is often guilt, shame, fear, and self-loathing. Even when they do come to terms with their sexual orientation, these people must work extra hard to unlearn all the negative influences that were ingrained in them during their formative years.

In this scenario, there are three groups of people who need to go through the unlearning process. The first, and most obvious, consists of those people who grow up believing that who they are is wrong. While their struggles are often extremely difficult, this group goes through the unlearning process out of necessity. For the most part, they come to terms with the truth of who they are, even though it means rejecting the beliefs they grew up with. Those of you who are in or have been through this process, you have my utmost respect. I understand some of what you were/are experiencing, and I commend you for working through this.

The second set of people who face unlearning are those who grow up with these conservative teachings and have a heterosexual orientation. They may go through much of their lives without having to face this situation. At some point or another, though, many of these people come into contact with the truth when someone they know and love "comes out" to them. When this happens, they are faced with a schism - if being gay equals sinful, wrong, and against the will of God, but a person that they love and respect is gay, something inside their heads goes "DOES NOT COMPUTE." Then they must choose to either reject the truth they've grown up with, or reject the person they love. I experienced both of these scenarios when I came out. My best friend of 12 years, who was closer to me than anyone, chose to cling to the truths that she believed, and I have not seen her since. However, another friend from high school, a friend of 7 years, was filled with grace and compassion. She admitted that she didn't know what to believe about homosexuality, and had never known a close friend or family member who was gay. She was grateful for the opportunity to spend time with me and find that nothing had changed, that I was still a "normal" person. She was ready to force herself to look into the situation and discover the truth. I pray that every gay person has a friend like this in their lives. This friend was willing to unlearn the things she grew up believing in order to accept the truth of the reality around her. Unfortunately, she is still a rare breed. There are many more people who choose to take the easy road, and cling to what they believe.

The final group of people, which may overlap with the first, is made up of people in the gay community who have been hurt by the church. Because of the lies and half-truths that are taught in conservative Christian circles, many gay people have been ridiculed, ostracized, condemned, and abused by Christians and the church. Some have been told that God hates them, that they are going to hell, and other vicious and painful lies. One day I hope to be used to bring restoration to this community. What I hope will happen is that these people can unlearn all the painful lies they've heard about God and discover that God made them just the way they are, loves them the way they are, and wants them to know that and know Him.

There is an incredible resource that has recently become available to help with this unlearning process. A documentary entitled For The Bible Tells Me So has just been released to DVD after receiving several films awards and even making the short list for Best Documentary Nominees for the Academy Awards. The film features five ordinary American families who are in the process of coming to terms with the fact that a member of each of their familes is gay. Gene V Robinson, the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, is interviewed, along with his parents, as well as Chrissy Gephardt, the daughter of one-time presidential candidate Richard Gephardt (and former Curve cover girl). The film features commentary from theologians, professors, and religious leaders exposing the truth about what is truthfully stated in the Bible and what has been misinterpreted. I saw the documentary three times and would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in exploring the reconciliation of Christian and homosexuality. It is available through Netflix, if you are a member, or you can buy the DVD here. If you don't have the money, you can send me an email arrangements to get you a copy to borrow. That is how much I believe in the worth and power of this film. Give it a chance. You just might unlearn something.


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A Cross to Bear

During the early weeks of October, I began working at a Catholic School nestled within the foothills of Malibu. Lustrous greens blanketed the area in the most exquisite scenery that at times my own glimpse of them left me breathless. One particular morning, as the noon sun was inching its way across the open hills, and a few flycatchers were prancing upon Clematis, an intense sense of warmth and happiness came over me. In a way I suppose I felt a significant closeness to what I can only refer to as God.

Now as a lesbian woman sitting in a catholic school, I could not help but feel like a sitting duck for some holy prosecution. Perhaps like many, I have cultivated some anger towards the church when learning that my own love has been deemed wrong by the same institution that project this hostility without any concern for growth, change, or consequence.

Now I have always been very spiritual, however my own search for growth has taken me down a more philosophical road. While on one hand I feel that it is difficult to not seek out some higher being during times of obstacles and moments of triumph, my other hand simply sees religion as a mindless following.

So as I stood there, facing my own doctrine of belief, I couldn’t help but see that the hills represented times of trouble, the colors unison, and the unknowingness of impending natural disaster, trust. I was confident that I had surpassed the mindset of thousands of years, and in return unlocked the mysteries of faith.

However, as I stood before my chapel, I began to feel resentment, for placed in the middle of the gorgeous scenery before me, was a titanium, man-made cross. Was it possible that we as people still needed a large symbol of faith placed right in front of us, when the complexity and synchrony of the earth, lie in perfect proportion? How ironic that such a contraption be embedded in this alter, preventing the continual of life, in its path.

That night the Santa Ana winds spilled into the canyon thus causing a whirlwind of danger. Sparks ignited, and soon Malibu canyon was ignited with tremendous flames. With so much life painted on the hills, the fire fed until the hills were blackened with death. Upon return to the school weeks later, after all the debris was removed, all that could be seen for miles were dirt, ash and one tall, standing, untouched cross.

The perplexity of moments like this can only be explained within each, individual experience, and perhaps never within one’s own spoken word. For spoken word in translation fails to capture the intensity of that exact moment when our own minds cannot comprehend the event without chills crawling up our spine. Nonetheless, my argument about God was burned down, and all that prevailed was ten feet of titanium.

Months later, donations have rebuilt the majority of homes, firefighters have lined the hills with sandbags, and seed has been laid out on the hillsides. Suddenly, it was beginning to be understood, that the hills and cross were interchangeable, that religion was in fact man made, like the cross. The design of the hills, the ocean, and life were formed by some higher being (whether that higher being be creationism, independent design, or evolution), but were nonetheless kept alive by the memories and vision of human existence. We as people are living models of that which can be found within the bible, and subsequently religious books around the world. For the hills will rise again so to speak, but the vision of them always remains in the heart. The cross was not an intrusion of man, but rather a reminder that it is the love, devotion and acceptance of people that lives on through destruction and stands tall.

The symbolism within this event probably seems trivial at best, but the perplexity of the residual lesson within my own heart has become conclusive. Being a lesbian is a difficult cross to bear, when it only leads us to the door of Christianity, but never inside. With the progression of knowledge, and the expansion of consciousness, religion seems rather medieval, when war and politics sit alongside and hierarchy are valued over individual growth and love. Like a mother who tells their son they cannot play with the neighborhood children because they are foreign, rules are instilled based on fear. However, as our own knowledge progresses from a parent like obedience based on unoriginal thought, to an adolescent strive for independence and self proclaimed knowledge, identity is born. It is within this identity that I am hopeful that the trend to reject religion is only proof that the consciousness is indeed “growing up”.

For right here, within the foothills of Malibu, stands a perfect micro model of what makes up the foundation of religion as we know it. Hate can tear apart, superficiality can lead astray, and fire can destroy, but we as people always find a way to come together and rise again. And it doesn’t matter that right now, churches are closing their doors to the GLBT community, because we will continue to expand our minds and hearts until the rest of the world catches up. It is important to remember that churches will continue to exist all over the place, in the foothills of mountain landscape, sunsets over oceans, embraces of loved ones, and reunions of families, all with a cross standing tall somewhere in the horizon.

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