How to Spice Things Up in Your Bedroom

Keeping things interesting in the bedroom can be hard for any couple. After awhile things just become routine, stale and predictable. And unfortunately, since sex is such a powerful factor, when it starts to suffer, so can your relationship. So what do you do? How do you pull yourself out of your bedroom rut? Try some of these tips if you've been feeling the lull recently.

Take it outside.
After awhile the spontaneity dissipates. You no longer want to ravage your partner when you're at a party or when she's cooking dinner. Bring it back and sneak up on them when they're doing household chores, get handsy at the beach or sneak away to a bathroom while you're out. Leaving the bedroom is a great way to make things feel new and fresh again.

Read sexy novels to each other.
As women, we're much more mental, so get each other in the mood by reading sexy stories to each other. This is also a great way to break into dirty talk if you weren't already comfortable with doing so. Do it before you go to bed or randomly throughout the day to get each other going.

Act it out.
Role playing can be a lot of fun and help you cast aside any inhibitions you may have. Throw on a wig or an outfit and sink into character. Dressing like someone else can also make you feel like you're sleeping with someone new, which is a great way to recharge things without actually sleeping with someone else and losing the connection. Using the sexy novel tip can be a great way to get started with role playing ideas.

Try new things.
Literally, go out and do new things with each other, like canoeing, dance classes or even visit a brewery. Have you ever noticed that you have great sex whenever you go to a hotel or try something new together? It's because when you immediately create a bond and raise your serotonin levels when you try something new with someone. So don't just break out of your bedroom mold, break out of your life routine too and see how it effects your sex life.

Go shopping together.
But skip the mall. Head to a local or online novelty store, like Adam and Eve, and pick out new toys for each other. It's time to re-up if your toys are looking a little worn or your lingerie is at least a decade old. Doing it together can help the two of you open up about what you really want or like and what you want to try. Make a pact to reveal some of your deepest fantasies with each other and try at least one of them out.

Send something dirty.
Keep your partner thinking about you during the day by sending them dirty little texts or emails. It can be exciting for the both of you and make you super excited to see each other later.

At the end of the day, no matter what you choose to do, remember to be open with your partner. If you feel like things have slowed down and become a little ho hum, it's likely they think so, too. So start talking and see what happens. Sometimes words can be enough to get things going again.

Christine's Answers from the Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Today's question comes from a woman who isn't sure how to define her sexuality.

Dear Christine,
I'm bi-sexual at the moment and I am not sure if I am a lesbian. I have dated guys for a about 6 years. Since I've come out about being bi, I realize that
I am only physically attracted to guys. Any time I have a relationship, I end up
avoiding a kiss or anything sexual because It just doesn't feel right. I am wondering
if that meant that I was a lesbian or not. Its really confusing, I hope you can help.

Waiting for Ladies

Dear Waiting for Ladies,

You've dated men already, you know you're not that interested in them sexually right now. You've just recently admitted to being attracted to women but it doesn't sound like you are actually exploring that yet. I'm interested in why you are concerning yourself with men right now when it seems like the perfect time to be embracing your sexual experience with women. I imagine that you have been harboring sexual attraction to women for ages and now that you have come out about it, experiences with women are what you are craving. If I had waited six years to start sleeping with women, I wouldn't feel very turned on by sleeping with another man right now either. It seems the next logical step to start sleeping with women. Satisfy that experience for yourself rather than growing to resent yourself and the men who you hook up with for not being what you really want.

Wanting to sleep with only women at this point in your life does not exclusively define your sexuality. Sexuality is a fluid thing, an ever changing part of one's identity. You do not need to accept any standard of defining sexuality that says you must pick one sex over the other for the rest of your life. You may date who ever you want whenever you want. The best thing you can do is find healthy relationships for yourself. As you grow in your life, you will need different things at different times. So be nice enough to yourself to find the right relationship for yourself regardless of sex and with out regard to labels.

All my best,
Christine

The Sex Slog with Busy Beaver & Pugs

Dear Busy Beaver & Pugs,

i realize that i am probably a rarity when it comes to the lesbian community - and women in general for that matter. i've never really been into oral sex. receiving is ok, nice sometimes, but just doesn't blow my mind. never has. that's not to say that many great amazing partners haven't done it because they have, and yes it's always...ok. personally i need more to really have a mind-blowing orgasm. i've been in a relationship most of my adult life, serial monogamist. somehow i've tended to meet and get involved with women that feel like their strap-on is an extension of themselves... so the oral thing was never an issue. it's not that i dislike going down on a partner, it's just that because it never was that great for me i never got the point.


well i'm single for the first time in quite a while. i'm not interested or ready to get involved in another relationship but i want to be sexually active. i met a woman a while back who really opened my eyes to how amazing it can be to go down on someone. i really love it now, i definitely want to have oral sex with new partners that i meet - however, i'm a lesbian in my 30s who has very little experience with it. which is just crazy, i should really know more than i do. i've asked advice other places online and pretty much they say everyone is different and you just have to explore and figure it out. that's all fine and good, but how do i get over my feelings of inexperience?

i'm not going to go out there and have sex with a bunch of women. i don't want a relationship but at the same time i'm not interested in one night stands. i know i can't really get experienced without experience but what can make me feel more confident in going down on a new partner? since i don't particularly like receiving oral sex, what do i need to know/understand about giving it? i know over-thinking it is probably just going to pose more of a problem, but i am really really intimidated about going down on a new woman who has more than likely been with people way more experienced than me.

Signed,
I Need the Low Down on Goin’ Down

Dear Low Down,

Unfortunately, there’s not one magic trick to going down on a woman. Dan Savage wrote a hilarious column about this, wherein he asked women to write in about what they wanted out of their partners. The advice was so conflicting and funny I almost wet my pants reading it.

You can check it out HERE.

But back to you, Low Down. Here’s what you have going for you. You are articulate and you know what you want to do and you want to learn. I hope you are articulate in person, not just in writing, because before you use that tongue of yours to do The Deed, you are going to need it to communicate.

When things are heating up in the bedroom, you need to be able to say something along the lines of, “The thought of going down on you totally turns me on. But what turns me on even more is knowing that I’m doing what you want, so don’t be afraid to tell me to slow down, speed up, a little to the left, or whatever. This is all about me pleasing YOU.” Sound corny? Well, it works. Just ask my girlfriend. Half the fun of being with someone is finding out what turns her crank. You can literally find new ways of doing things for YEARS. You don’t need to be a porn star the first time out.

Oh, and allow me to disabuse you of a couple of assumptions you seem to have. You are not as much of a rarity as you think. And no one is going to know you are inexperienced or less experienced because like I said, every woman is different. They might think, “Oh, I bet she’s doing what she did to her last girlfriend, but that doesn’t really work for me.” Or, “Nice technique, just needs a little fine-tuning because I have a labia fetish.” Or they might simply think, “Holy shit! This girl’s good!” You never know going into it. This is why communication is key. It’s the key to everything in life, actually. People who are good communicators are happier and have better orgasms in my opinion.

I might also add that if you were able to communicate to your partner what YOU want, you might find a whole new level of orgasm from someone going down on you. I have seen this happen. It’s like a light starts shining somewhere deep in their coochie and beams out of their eyes. It’s a sight to behold.

Mumbly yours,
Beaver

Dear Low Down,
There’s not a lot I can add to the excellent information that Busy Beaver has given you. As usual, she has hit it out of the ballpark. The only thing I would offer is to go with your heart. Hopefully you like the girl you’re going down on at least as a friend. Usually, when I like someone, I want to please her. So I would say focus on her and forget about yourself. This is about making her happy so do what you can to make sure she’s having fun. And like Beaver said, talk to her. If she doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying the experience, ask her what would make it better for her.

Pugs

Questions? Write to the Busy Beaver and Pugs at love@cometogethergiftbaskets.com

The Sex Slog with the Busy Beaver & Pugs

Greetings, Lesbiatopians! Allow us to introduce ourselves. At the behest of Paula Brooks we are going to be your new sex advisors. What are our qualifications, you ask? Well, we like sex and we have opinions, and advice is just an opinion. As a long-time lesbian, I (this is the Beaver talking) have had a lot of sex in a lot of different ways with a fair amount of people. My pal, Pugs, is a reformed heterosexual with children who is relatively new to lesbian life, but boy does that chick know a shitload about vibrators and lube! In fact we recently started a new business based on that knowledge. The business is Come Together Gift Baskets, so check it out when you get a chance.

But back to our previous experience. I used to write a combination home improvement and sex advice column for OurChart.com and both of us currently blog on lezbang.com. We want you to write in with questions and you’ll get an answer from both of us. My advice will tend to be practical, straightforward and often smart-ass. Pugs is the more thoughtful, analytical and emotional one. Oh, and both of us are pretty smart. You will be free to take our advice or tell us to shove it up our lady parts. We like it when people take our advice and we like it when people shove things in our lady parts, so it’s a win-win situation.

So let’s get started! If you have a question about sex or relationships or vibrators or anything at all, just send an email to love@cometogethergiftbaskets.com.

See you next week!