Congratulations to Lindsay and Sam

Although this may be a foray into unknown territory for this Enlightened Dyke, but I have a bit of insight to share on this latest bit of Celesbrity News. I subscribe to several LGBT-related blogs and news feeds in my beloved Google Reader, and often, high-profile information comes to me from multiple sources. Yesterday's announcement that Lindsay Lohan verbally and publicly confirmed her relationship with DJ Samatha Ronson was no exception. You can read about it here and here and here. Although many people "in the know" (i.e. who pay attention to tabloids and celebrity gossip) have speculated for several months, the couple had previously refused to verify the status of their relationship.


I am personally a fan of privacy, of minding your own business, of giving people space, and of respecting boundaries. I understand, however, that being a celebrity necessitates the sacrifice of some of these rights. It's the price you pay for fame. So I took a gander at the news that's been released over the various media outlet, and here's a summary of what I've found:

Lindsay Lohan, initially famous for her tres mingnone dual-role as the twins of the Parent Trap remake, became much more famous for her slip into scandal as a teenager. Between the drugs, the rehab, the nude pictures, the car accidents, and the cat fights with other scandalous celebs, it seemed that she hit rock bottom and planned on staying there. And then, all of a sudden... nothing. No scandal, no drama, no fighting, not even many public appearances. Was a parole officer? A newfound faith? Had she seen the light? Well, we now know that it was much simpler, and yet more profound at the same time - she fell in love. Not a one-night stand, not a publicity stunt, but that turn-your-world-around, make-you-a-better-person, hers-and-hers-coordinated-towels kind of love.

They went shopping together, they accompanied each other to work, they generally just couldn't get enough of each other. But they kept it personal and private. Rumor has it that they were offered a payout in excess of 2 million for an exclusive on their relationship, but declined. Instead, the public confirmation of their status came as a casual "yeah, it's been a long time" during an informal conversation with friends. And have you noticed how happy they look? Gosh, it just warms my heart. Everyone deserves to feel this kind of love. And after all that she's been through, I hope this love lasts for Lindsay, and for Sam.

There's been quite a bit of discussion among the lesbian community about whether or not it is "good" to have this kind of celebrity on "our" side, as well as speculation about her sexuality and whether or not that played a role in the drama she went through as a teenager. Well I just wish we didn't have to have "sides" in the first place. As someone who only dated guys before falling in love with a woman, I tend to eschew labels. Why should we be obligated to identify ourselves by the gender(s) to which we are attracted? Maybe Lindsay has always felt she was a lesbian, or maybe she never has. I don't think it really matters. What's important is the exposure. That the two of them, the media, and the rest of us all treat them just as we would any other celebrity couple. I think that by acknowledging their relationship in such a simple and profound way, they've helped "normalize" (I hate that word) the idea of same-sex couples in the minds of a few more people.

Here in California, we have a few short weeks remaining until our state votes on whether or not to take away the rights of same sex couples to marry. Recent polls have indicated that more and more people are leaning toward the NO vote, but there is still a significant segment that is undecided. I think as they see things like this: that two women can have a successful relationship which helps them become better people, and that their relationship is no different from any other, I think they will begin to see that this is not an attempt to "change the values of America", but rather, a fight for equal rights, and the right of everyone to love.

Whatever your thoughts on LiLo, I hope that you remember the joy of your first real love, and I hope that you join me in celebrating Lindsay and Samantha's relationship and wishing them all the best as they grow in their love.

Felice Newman, Author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, NeedsYour Help

Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Women Couples have you been together for 5+ years and do you enjoy a satisfying sex life?

For those of our readers who are in long-term relationships, here is an opportunity to share your experience and help in the creation of a new book from Felice Newman, the woman who wrote The Lesbian Bible and by that I mean The Whole Lesbian Sex Book....

Felice Newman has asked us here at Lesbiatopia to ask you, our readers, just what makes your sexual relationship work and she needs your help in researching a new sex guide for lesbian couples.



The Whole Lesbian Sex Book has informed, supported, and entertained many thousands of women in the nearly 10 years since it was published. Now Felice Newman turning her attention to couples. As a somatic coach and sex educator, she has help many couples who are quite unsatisfied with their sex lives and feels her new book will be an empowering resource for our community.

Felice is conducting confidential interviews (via telephone) with couples who enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship and she is interested in exploring the ways we “grow” our sexual partnerships.

She wants to know what makes your sexual relationship work. How do you sustain erotic interest over the years? How do you face the sexual challenges that inevitably arise in a long-term relationship? How has your coupled sexuality evolved? How does your partnership support your sexual growth and pleasure? In short, what are the payoffs of an ongoing sexual relationship?

Ms Newman would like to hear from couples who have been together 5+ years, and who feel their sexual relationship “works” - however you would define that. (Even if you wouldn’t say you have the perfect sex life, if you are generally fulfilled in your sexual relationship, she still want to hear from you.)

There will be a reciprocal aspect to these interviews. In these telephone conversation, you’ll have an opportunity to ask her questions, too.

All interviews will be strictly confidential, and interviewees will be quoted anonymously in her book.

Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme or androgynous; polyamorous, monogamous; adventurous, sensual, kinky; boi, MTF, intersex, traditionally gendered or trans; sexually experienced or new to sexual exploration,Felice would like to hear from you.

To find more information on how you can help, including how to participate go to Help Felice Newman!

Never stop fighting till the fight is through... you can be sure the haters won't

The California Supreme Court ruling earlier this month that overturned the state's ban on gay marriage has been cause for celebration in our community.

This was the scene at City Hall in San Francisco minutes before the Supreme Court gay marriage ruling.

The following video shows Molly McKay, executive director of Marriage Equality California, and Pam Brown, policy director for Marriage Equality USA, as they make their way to the steps of City Hall at 9:40 AM last week.



Anxious, nervous, determined, scared, excited, they share with us their sentiments and dedication to driving marriage equality for California, as they patiently wait for the court's decision. This video brings a perspective that no news briefing could ever capture: the experience of being a part of California's equal rights history.

Because of this historic decision many happy couples in California are sending invitations, planning receptions and counting down the days until June 16th.



This is a victory for everyone who has stood up against discrimination or fought for marriage equality.

Unfortunately, there are also those who are fighting hard to not let this happen by asking for a stay of execution on this directive.

For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, this means that they don't want this ruling to take effect until after the November elections, when Californians could vote on a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

You see, the Supreme Court's decision was merely an interpretation of the present constitution, an enforcement of current law. Their conclusion was that marriage discrimination is in violation with the California Constitution as it is presently written. However, if a majority of Californians are in support of an amendment to the Constitution, that would negate the ruling because discrimination would no longer be a violation, because they would re-write the constitution to inculde that discrimination.

We must continue to fight this bigotry and prejudice. We can do this by encouraging everyone to vote against this hateful amendment in November, but until then, the couples who have waited ten, twenty, or thirty years for the right to have their relationships recognized should not be forced to wait any longer.

Below is contact information for the attorneys who have filed this motion for a stay of execution. They need to hear from us and know about the people they are hurting. I particularly encourage those of you who are planning a wedding this summer, or even attending a wedding, to call or email and let these attorneys know the damage they are doing.

ALLIANCE DEFENSE FUND
BENJAMIN W. BULL, Arizona State Bar No. 009940*
GLEN LAVY, Arizona State Bar No. 022922*
15333 N. Pima Road, Suite 165
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Telephone: (480) 444-0020
Facsimile: (480) 444-0028
bbull@telladf.org
glavy@telladf.org

ALLIANCE DEFENSE FUND
TIMOTHY DONALD CHANDLER, State Bar No. 234325
101 Parkshore Drive, Suite 100
Folsom, California 95630
Telephone: (916) 932-2850
Facsimile: (916) 932-2851
tchandler@telladf.org

ADVOCATES FOR FAITH AND FREEDOM
ROBERT HENRY TYLER, State Bar No. 179572
24910 Las Brisas Road, Suite 110
Murrieta, California 92562
Telephone: (951) 304-7583
Facsimile: (951) 894-6430
rtyler@faith-freedom.com

LAW OFFICES OF TERRY L. THOMPSON
TERRY L. THOMPSON, State Bar No. 199870
1804 Piedras Circle
Alamo, California 94507
Telephone: (925) 855-1507
Facsimile: (925) 820-6034
tl_thompson@earthlink.net

LAW OFFICES OF ANDREW P. PUGNO
ANDREW P. PUGNO, State Bar No. 206587
101 Parkshore Drive, Suite 100
Folsom, California 95630
Telephone: (916) 608-3065
Facsimile: (916) 608-3066
andrew@pugnolaw.com

(Information courtesy of David Hart, via Pam's House Blend.)

Homosexuality Should Be Banned?

This is a great video... a clever way of making a point.

This is why homosexuality should be banned.



Sometimes, the only way to convince someone that his argument is bad, is to make it for him.

On the Role of Lesbian Girl [space] Friends

There's a phrase I've heard over and over in the lesbian community, that seems to be the underlying reason for everything we do: "We're lesbians. It's complicated." Whether it be moving in together, sleeping with our exes, or the rampant gossip among our circles of friends, we lesbians seem to be rife with drama. There are times when I embrace this as merely a side-effect of massive amounts of estrogen, but lately I've been thinking that sometimes the drama overpowers common sense and reason.

Here's the thing that I think we forget: NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A POTENTIAL DATE. Read that line again.

As women, we are relational creatures, and need friends in our lives. Unfortunately, both our best friends and our most passionate lovers look very much the same. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, who find friends and lovers in opposite genders, we must decipher from body language and chemistry and feelings and attraction whether a woman we meet could be a partner or a pal.

I believe that many lesbian women fall into the trap of allowing the first option to be the default. They see everyone woman as a possibility, and if it doesn't work, well, then we could be friends. This is faulty logic. It can lead to damaged friendships (or potential friendships) and heartache when we try to have relationships that we've failed to evaluate. If they had waited a little longer, gone out a few more times, they would have realized that it wasn't going to work. But now someone's broken someone's heart, it will be awkward for a while when everyone hangs out. Purely hypothetical situation, of course.

I propose an alternative. I believe that the best model is to view every woman we meet as a potential friend. This way, we will take the time to get to know her and evaluate how she best fits in our lives. Also, we wouldn't have to deal with petty jealousies - we could have friendships with women we meet, even if they have girlfriends! I also think that it will open more people to friendships, because there wouldn't be that awkward she likes me, but I don't like her... does she think this is a date or are we just friends? Granted, that's also due to lack of communication in the lesbian dating process. But that's an article for another time.

The best result of this approach is that the relationship which due flourish will be that much stronger because they originated as friendships. I heard a quote a long time ago that I've used often but never properly attributed (because I don't know who originally said it), but it's become one of my favorites: "Love is friendship on fire." The best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship. Passion waxes and wanes, but the stability of the trust, respect, and love of a friendship will keep us strong through the hard times.

It can be hard to change our mentalities, especially when we're single. I would encourage each of us, though, to pay attention to our reactions when we meet new women. Do you scope them out and immediately rate them as a potential partner? I know I do sometimes. If you're like me, let's start thinking more about the friendships that we can develop with other lesbian women. As we develop a network of friends who truly care about us and love us, we will have a built-in support group that can help us through any storm life (and drama!) may bring us.

On the Importance of Attending the Prom

Did you go to the Prom? I did. I was straight back then, so I went with my boyfriend at the time. We had been dating for about two months - a long time in high school, so of course we were going to Prom together. It was... fine. Nothing extraordinary. Certainly nothing like what the media and ABC Family makes it out to be. It was just a dance, with an expensive dance and people I didn't like and a dinner I don't remember and pictures that turned out really bad. But for this couple, I hope Prom is a fantastic memory:



According to The Huntsville Times, Circuit Court Judge John Graham ordered yesterday that the Board of Education in Scottsboro, Alabama was to allow a lesbian couple to attend their high school Prom. Typically, courts are not in cession on Saturday, but seeing as it was the day of the Prom, a decision was pressing. Immediately after hearing the ruling, Chelsea Overstreet, 17, a junior, and her date Lauren Martin, 16, dressed in their prom clothes and attended a press conference. You can read the full article by David Brewer of The Huntsville Times here. Apparently, since there was no state law regarding this issue, the judge was able to cite a federal law which prevents public schools from denying same-sex couples admission to Proms.

Alabama, people! We're talking the Bible Belt! I could not be happier for this beautiful couple and I hope that their friends and classmates celebrate them as they deserve. I know that at times, we get discouraged with the state of gay acceptance in our country. But change never happens overnight, and progress is being made in baby steps every day. We must celebrate each of these victories, and then spread the news so that similar steps can be taken in other places. Can you imagine the day when, rather than Prom King and Prom Queen, a high school chooses to crown a "Prom Couple", regardless of gender? It makes me so excited to think about the ramifications of this decision and the ways that equality will continue to grow.

Most women in my generation (ages 20-40) did not come to terms with their sexuality until well after high school, due to either inward or outward homophobic pressures. As our world changes, though, teens are finding the freedom to explore and determine their sexuality at younger ages. This is something that is so much healthier for them, and we need to do everything we can to continue this progress. Anyone who was forced in the closet for any amount of time can tell you about the emotional and mental consequences that resulted from such a painful experience. I dream of a day when no child, teen, or young adult is forced to deny who they are because of other people's opinions or beliefs. I can't wait until we as a society create an environment which encourages acceptance of all people, all sexualities, all genders variants. Yes, I am a woman. I am a lesbian. I am a college-graduate. I am a white, middle-class American. But all of that is secondary. Those are adjectives. Characteristics, not identities. First and foremost, I am a human being. Just like you. I will respect you as such. And one day, the majority of the world will, too.

The Enlightened Dyke: On Overcoming Fear

I spent some time on the beach the other day, just listening to the water and watching it crash over the rocks, thinking and meditating. The issue on my mind was heavy: my never-ending cycles of bad habits. I wanted to figure out why I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. I wanted to understand why I screw up so often, why I get so tongue-tied and stupid, why I can't figure out what I want, why I put myself in the same dead-end situation time and time again. For someone who knows so much about learning, why does it seem that I'm not learning from my experiences?



I decided that I am kind of like that rock. You know, the one that stands a couple of feet out into the water where the waves crash? It makes for a beautiful picture, and, I think, an appropriate metaphor. I am a firmly, deeply, rooted rock. I know that I am strong! Fierce storms and hurricanes and tidal waves and tsunamis have all hit this beach, but my roots go deep and I always come out standing tall.

The thing is, even though I know this truth, there is still a little part of me, deep down, that gets scared and thinks, with each approaching wave, Will this be the one to take me down?

Observing from the outside, it seems like an absurd phenomenon. I mean, I've survived 20-foot tidal waves! The Category 5 hurricane beat me and bruised me but in the end I remained. No crash, however big, or high, or strong, or fast, has been able to take me out. Why would I fear this tiny crest? But to that small part inside, it is a legitimate threat, and it's scary.

The challenge, then, is to look from the outside. If I only focus on the inside, all I will see is the fear. But, if I can step outside myself and recognize the bigger picture, perhaps then I will have the strength to act in spite of it. For that is true courage. Not the absence of fear, but the ability to recognize it and still move forward.

As the sun set, I came to the conclusion that I do not want to let fear control me. It will take all the life and joy out of me if I do. Sure, sometimes life hurts. But if I held back every time something in my life scared me, or held the possibility of hurt, I wouldn't have much of a life at all. And that is not what I want. I want to feel the rush of confidence when I conquer something new. I want to make memories. I want to move mountains. I want to try everything once. Because if I listened to my own advice, I would realize that I'll never know what could be if I never try, and if I never try, I'll always wonder. I don't want to have to sit at the end of my life and wonder what it might have been like. I want to know. And even if it does hurt, I know that I will come out standing, as always, grateful for the experience.

The Enlightened Dyke: On the Expectation of Failure

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read may cause discomfort for some. Please recall my first post, in which I explained that my philosophy as a Professor is to offer ideas for consideration, not absolute truth. Take my opinion, mull on it, ponder it, chew on it, and then come to your own conclusions.

As a general rule, we in the human population tend to believe in ourselves. When we attempt something, we expect that it will succeed. A runner who enters a marathon expects to finish the race. A theatre company expects to put on a great show. Even when we play the lottery, something inside us really thinks we'll win! I think it is wonderful, this confidence and optimism that we as a people group tend to have. What disappoints me, however, is that this trend does not extend into the one area where I believe it most needs to be: our relationships.

It seems to be a rare thing these days to see a couple who stays together. Even on our favorite television show, The L Word, there doesn't appear to be a single couple with a chance of making it! More importantly, in real life, our relationships aren't permanent. A year, two years, maybe even five - but then something happens: an affair, a big fight, lesbian bed death, or simply a desire for change, and then this relationship that has had time, money, emotions, and lives invested into it, is over. Those of you who have been through this know how difficult it is, and how scary it can be to start over and try again. The thing is, though, it seems like we typically expect relationships to fail. We go into relationships quickly, based on little more than possibility or opportunity. We know that it probably won't last, but don't really care.

Why is this bad, you may ask? What's the problem with enjoying relationships while they last and then moving on? Well, I just think it's hard on our hearts. We become jaded, hard-hearted, and less capable of being vulnerable and real with each other, which, in turn, hampers intimacy. And isn't that what a lover is? The one person with whom we are intimately tied, the one place where we are safe to be ourselves? Not only that, but staying with one person and one person only is good for you! It increases life expectancy and quality of life and a host of other things. You can read here and here and many other places I'm sure about the benefits of monogamy and long term commitment. Basically, it's good for your health and your emotional well-being, and it's good for families and communities. Ideally, in love, we are looking for a partner - someone to do life with. It requires time, growth, and work, which can be daunting, especially if we feel we must do it over and over again - but the reward is worth it.

I realize there is a bitter element to this discussion in that we as a people group are still denied the freedom to marry and make that lifelong commitment. However, I do believe things will be changing in the near political future, and I also think that it doesn't much matter what other people think - we can still choose to have the kind of relationships that are best for us. You know what else? It might even help the cause, if we can show that in spite of discrimination, we still value the idea of marriage, more so than the heterosexual community at times. A columnist by the name of William Saletan wrote an excellent article about gay covenant marriage - choosing the kind of life-long commitment that straight couples are failing to maintain every day. It's something worth considering.

You know, I have not always been a member of this fantastic community of lesbians. I was a card-carrying breeder for a large portion of my life. This gives me a unique insight into both groups of people, and I can tell you that this phenomenon plagues not just the lesbian community, but our entire generation. So many young couples approach romantic relationships with the idea that once it has served its purpose, or once it becomes difficult, then it is finished and it's time to give up. The goes for gay couples, straight couples, and everyone in between. It's funny - many outspoken conservatives and right-wingers like to blame homosexuality for the high divorce rate and the breakdown of the family. My thoughts? It's the expectation of failure.

When I wrote "our generation" in the above paragraph, I was referring largely to the under-40 age group. See, the curious discovery for me was the different viewpoint that many in the "wiser" generation have. I spoke to several older lesbians who informed me that they still expect relationships to last forever. One woman (who told me she had celebrated over twenty five 21st birthdays) said that she had been with her current partner for 5 years, and fully expected to spend the rest of her life with that woman. She confessed, though, that she felt the same about her previous partner, with whom she shared 13 years. It is even visible among the gay community. Just last weekend at church, we honored two men who were celebrating their 35 year anniversary.

So what happened between that generation and ours, that we've gone from "till death do us part" to something resembling "till we don't want to anymore"? Use divorce as a search query on Google and you will be inundated with theories on that; I have a few myself. Rather than dwell on the past, though, I think we should focus more on changing our expectations and our behaviors, so that we can begin to reverse the trend. We should support and encourage couples in our community. We should throw them showers when they have weddings or civil unions. We should honor their anniversaries and other milestones. We should have a little bit of faith in the strength of our hearts to endure difficult times and expect success in this are of our lives as well.