Lesbian Dating: How to Take the First Step and Make it Last

By:  Rebecca Jones

Are you proud to be a lesbian? Although declaring yourself a lesbian is much easier now, there are many who face problems in basic relationships. Relationships are a tough call. On top of that if you are meant to deal with an added prejudice that you face from the society then relationships become a very difficult game indeed. To top it all, the yardsticks and dating tips that are easily available, mostly adhere to the traditional heterosexual couples. Does this mean that you are going to give up your choices and live life according to standards that have been set by other people? Not in the least. Help is where you look for it.

The first step

If you like a girl, how do you take the first step? Firstly you will have to ascertain that she is interested in a gay relationship. Let us say, you like a girl, but are not sure whether she is gay. How to look out for the symbols of being gay? There are many symbols that are universally associated with being a lesbian. Some of the commonest ones are a rainbow or an inverted pink triangle.

In case you cannot find such signs, try breaking the ice with her and see her opinion on various issues. You could casually bring up the lesbian topic. The best way to go about it is by going for outings or coffees together. This helps you to know and understand her as well. Remember a strong relation always starts with a strong friendship. In the course of time you can come up with the truth. You could try going to pubs instead of a cafe as it is much easier to warm up after you have had a drink or two.

Making it work

Yet the most difficult part is making the relationship last. Remember one of the most important expectations in a gay relationship is equality. Under no circumstance get dominant or let the other person dominate you. Avoid competition or role playing. Another very important aspect in this regard is to discuss whether you want to be open about your relation or keep it under wraps. Since this is a sensitive issue, you really need to ensure that both you and your partner feel the same way about this. As in any other relation sexual health goes a long way in terms of relationship maintenance. Ensure that your relationship does not die the common lesbian bed death. Take time to know and understand her. You might not need to compromise but adjusting to each other’s wants and needs is very important.

While societies all over the world are increasingly becoming tolerant of homosexual relationships, you will be well aware that there will always be some stubborn jackass out there, who will believe that such relations are ‘unnatural’ and ‘abnormal’. This makes it doubly difficult for lesbians to not just maintain a healthy relation but also lead their daily lives. That is why it is good idea to socialize with people belonging to this community. This not only helps you deal with the social isolation but also allows you to pick up tips from your surrounding on how to make your relation work.

About the author: Rebecca Jones is a passionate blogger who enjoys writing on lifestyle the most. Apart from blogging, she loves collecting expensive watches and perfumes. Currently she is busy in looking out for some nice fireplace design ideas for her new house.

Need Advice, Ask a Queer: First Girlfriend Query

So, I have been dating a woman for about 2 yrs. I am 33 and this is the first woman I have ever dated. She is 40 and she has been out for awhile. Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship. Lately though I have been having doubts. I thought it was b/c she was a woman and that was so different for me (and part of it might be) but now I wonder if it’s b/c looks weren’t a priority at first. I mean, I think she is cute and am attracted to her, physically our relationship is awesome. But I have wondered if I am settling b/c she may not be what I would have ideally been attracted to had I been interested in girls before. I have been thinking more and more that maybe I am attracted to girls in general and it wasn't just this one?! So there is a part of me that is curious to explore this world but there is also a part of me that is afraid to lose what I have. I am at a point in my life where I want to settle down, I want a family and my gf does too. Plus, I have heard (and have seen) about so much drama in the lesbian community and craziness etc. So getting into that does not interest me especially if it means giving up something so good to test it out. Also, I wonder if the first time you date a woman, do u usually stay w that one or b/c it’s such a change does it take some time to settle into etc?! Maybe that seems like a dumb question but those are things I have thought about. Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

Dear Questioning,

It sounds like, despite your concerns, you have a wonderful relationship going on.  In my experience, most women don't stay with the first girl they have ever dated but that also tends to be because most women are very young when they meet their first girlfriend. I was young when I met my first girlfriend and was very immature.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, so naturally the relationship didn't last because we both still needed to do a lot of growing and exploring.  

I feel like your situation is a little different because you have discovered your sexuality at an older age, and despite having just come out, you are pretty self-assured person and have a strong sense of what you want in life.  In regards to your relationship, you said in your letter, "Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship." I can tell you that most people spend years looking for these kind of qualities in a relationship, whether it be gay or straight.  Now, you are having doubts, and that is completely normal.  Your concern is that looks weren't a priority at first. You have to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of life and relationships, how important can looks really be?  You, yourself,  stated that you have a strong connection with this woman.  Beauty is on the inside and it sounds like you have found a beautiful person.  

It is hard to give advice in this situation because on one hand, you have have this wonderfully symbiotic partnership with someone who you adore but on the other hand, you have never dated other women and there is a strong, innate curiosity to explore the newness of that.  You are older so you want to settle down, but you are "new" to the gay community.  Here is my advice to you - doubts in your relationship or not, it is most important to be honest with your partner.  If you haven't considered talking to her about what you are feeling right now, even in your state of confusion, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her.  She is older, mature and has most likely been in a similar state of mind at some point in her life. Talk about where you are in your relationship, and ultimately what you both want.  If you feel like your inability to explore is making you unhappy, than you need to address that.  If you feel that you are truly happy with this woman and just having minor doubts, then let her know as well.  Be positive about it and come at from a loving, respectful place. 

Just remember, whether you are gay or straight, finding a truly wonderful connection/attraction to someone is rare.  Being able to see a future with someone is also rare and sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side.  If you break away to explore other women, you might find yourself ultimately coming up disappointed.  Weigh your options, be open, be honest (to your partner and yourself) and follow your heart.  If you do these things, you can and will find the happiness you want and deserve. 

Best of luck to you in love and life!

Renee

Editor-in-Chief

Keep the Spice Alive in Your Long Term Lesbian Relationship

By Rebecca Jones

In a lesbian relationship, it becomes more important to keep the intimacy, going, to make the relationship a successful one. A woman will always feel wanted in a lesbian relationship. They are always looking for comfort, security, and intimacy in a relationship. You will always know what your partner likes to hear. So tell her something that will make her feel special during and after the act. Always remind here that she means a lot to you and how much you love her. Every woman loves to hear this and she will really appreciate it. The relationship and the bond between the two will only grow stronger day by day.

Buy Some Clothes for Her

Buy clothes that will bring out the best in her. You must compliment on her looks and express your feelings. Say all the beautiful things that you can and tell her how much beautiful she looks. When you are in a lesbian relationship, you must be honest with your partner in all aspects. Do not be intimate with her just for the sake of it. Be genuine in your comments.


Get Flowers

To spice up the intimate relationship; how about decorating the bedroom with rose petals all over the place. Almost 90% of the women in a lesbian relationship love roses. Roses have a unique quality to make the woman feel special in every way. There is no hard and fast rule to buy red roses only. You can even buy white roses if you think that it will suit her better. To make it more adventurous you can actually buy both types of roses.


Lesbian Sex Manuals

Sex is purely skill based and it is not a bad idea to have a little bit of education in this field. If you feel that even roses and new clothes are not doing the trick in your relationship, there is no reason to feel despondent. Nowadays, there are great lesbian sex books that will help you and your lover learn the way the body functions. You will also get to know about different sexual techniques and the myriad ways in which you can turn yourself and your partner on.


Complement her Body

Every woman in a lesbian relationship yearns for some positive comments about her body. She will be pleased to know that there are no imperfections in her body. Do not lie to here. Just say what you like about her body truthfully and express how you feel about certain other things. No wonder, this will boost her self-esteem by a few notches.

You must encourage yourself and your woman to spice up the intimacy in your life. Always make suggestions to each other. Maybe she wants long passionate kisses or a different toy; so be open to what she says and thinks.



About the author: Rebecca is a blogger by profession. She is fond of Plus Size Winter Coats. These days she is busy in writing an article on Ivory Wedding Shoes.

Conceiving Family

Watershed Productions recently released a new documentary film entitled “Conceiving Family", which is gaining great acclaim as it starts to make the film festival circuit.

Conceiving Family follows (Director/Producer) Amy Bohigian and her partner, Jane Byers, as they adopt biracial 15 month-old twins, Franny and Theo. Their journey to becoming a family, like the other four same-sex couples, is laden with challenges, including confronting the Christian Fundamentalist foster parents who express fear that the children they’ve cared for since birth will now, “grow up to be gay” with parents who are “going to hell for their sins.” Required to live together for two weeks during the kids’ transition they confront their differences in the most surprising ways. Combining personal interviews, intimate footage, and family photos, Conceiving Family tells the collective story of what it takes to become an intentional family.

Conceiving Family Trailer from Amy Bohigian on Vimeo.

Grey's Anatomy: Navigating the Lesbian Landscape of Love, Part 1

This two-part special on the Lesbians of Grey's Anatomy is brought to you by Lesbiatopia's guest blogger Selin Ildokuz

Callie Torres is an Attending Orthopedic Surgeon at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. She likes to sleep around and not just with anyone, no, with Mc Steamy aka Mark Sloan. She was previously married to George O’Malley and then everyone made fun of her and called her Callie O’Malley. Callie dancing is pretty darn sexy.

Erica Hahn was an attending Cardiothoracic Surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. She was a mean person to everyone on the show except Callie, whom she has a thing for as we later found out. We didn’t really know much about her past, just that she was second in her class. (She is not really my cup of tea, if I may say so myself.)


Callie and Erica’s Story:



It all began when Erica and Callie were always hanging out, like they were inseparable. They used to hang out at Callie’s apartment and have a couple of beers and whine and just talk about how their day went. Erica was always mean to young up-coming Cardio God Christina Yang, it was like her favorite hobby and it really angered poor Christina. So she talked to Callie and she got Erica to “soften” up a bit. Not too much but she was still her evil old self. Then Addison Adrianne Forbs Montgomery-Shepherd (that’s a mouth full to say!) who is Callie’s friend from Los Angeles, comes by and starts wondering if Callie is “speaking the Vagina Monologue now?” Callie just looked at her and said “No. I like penis. I am a huge fan of penis.” (So she says for right now). In an episode called “Losing My Mind” Callie and Erica taught Mark Sloan (man whore) into having a threesome. But Mark claims that he was a new man and got up and left. Later in that episode, Callie, Erica and Mark all get in an elevator. (And if I know one thing about Grey’s Anatomy it’s that, that particular elevator must be the slowest elevator in the world). Erica and Callie are still taunting Mark about a threesome and Erica mentions to Mark that he cannot handle a threesome. He argues with her and then Erica kisses Callie on her lips. After kissing Callie, Erica walks out of the elevator and tells Mark he really can’t handle it. Mark tells Callie to meet him in the on-call room in ten minutes and then walks off pissed. Callie (is complete and total shock) then walks out of the elevator and fallows Mark. (Note: On-Call rooms in Grey’s are not used for sleeping). Callie the next day calls Mark her boyfriend and shuts Erica out. Erica tells her that she doesn’t make friends easy but she made friends with Callie, and Callie ends up feeling a little bit bad. In the last episode of season four which is called “Freedom” a patient stuck in cement comes into the hospital. (There are many odd cases on Grey’s this just so happens to be one of them). The boy had laid down in a bed of cement because the girl he likes was watching his every move and he just could not chicken out. (This episode revolves around Callie and how if she wants to be “free” she has to tell Erica how she really feels, and “escape her cement”) At the end of the episode Callie finally confronts Erica and kisses her, and Erica kisses back. This is the beginning of the only regular bisexual/lesbian couple currently on network television. (As stated by on After Ellen)

Callie and Erica soon in an episode called “A Brave New World” (which was for Callie and Erica, now known as Callica) One of my favorite quotes from the series would be from Dr. Miranda Bailey “The va-jay-jay is undiscovered country. It is the mother land. You've never traveled there... You don't know its customs and ways. Now me? I've always wanted to go to Africa. But if I go, I'm going to have to learn a few things first. I'm going to have to prepare. I'll need shots. Bring my own syringes, in case something goes wrong. And I'll wanna know how to get to the embassy.” Another great quote from the episode would be from Callie herself “It's awkward. Because she's a colleague and because she's an attending and because she's a ... she. There's been kissing, but ... no touching and what if I'm not into it? What if I'm horrible at all that stuff... south. I've never been south of the border. With a female. I mean, I've never even been over the ... northern mountains, if you know what I'm saying.” So they have sex and Erica has a revelation! She realizes that she is truly gay.

News of all of this goes up to the big boys in the ABC Company, and soon Brooke Smith is fired from the cast of Grey’s. The last episode that Brooke Smith was working on, I believe to be her best. Callie took the side of one of the doctors in the hospital over a matter that happened about 2 years ago. (Don’t kill me if my time line is messed up!) Erica got mad that Callie and the rest of the staff at Seattle Grace was coving for her. She yelled at poor Callie and said that she had no idea who Callie was and stormed off into the parking-lot-of-doom. (There is this hole back-story to Grey’s about how they can’t keep a single Cardio surgeon and with Erica gone that makes the count to 2).

(The reason Brooke Smith got fired was “not because she was a lesbian” but because “there was no chemistry between Erica and Callie. I believe this to be false, but that’s just me and I can actually think like a writer on Grey’s. I believe she got fired because she was playing a lesbian role, now I didn’t really like Brooke’s acting as the lesbian, but I liked her better as the bitch that everyone hated. But I mean if word came down from the heads of ABC to fire her, no questions were asked, but everyone knew semi-why.)

Callie is completely crushed until, well until Sadie comes along. Sadie is a natural flirt and she is very annoying and odd. But I suppose everyone has a place. Callie believes that she is falling for Sadie and she soon realizes that she was only replacing the hole in her heart and not actually letting it heal. Sadie gets fired because she has no idea how to be a doctor, or how to actually save people’s lives. She leaves and we are once again left with one lesbian. (Sad I know but its get waaaaay better!)

Arizona Robbins played by Jessica Capshaw Picture below:

She is the head of Pediatric surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. She is kind of like a child herself. She wears roller shoes and is super perky. And I mean SUPER! She is also pretty hot (if I do say so myself). She has her down moments and sometimes ends up crying. Her personality is “quirky.” She replaced another doctor who died of a heart attack. During Arizona’s residency she was chief resident. She wears a pink scrub cap to appeal to her little patients.


Stay tuned for Part 2 of "Navigating the Lesbian Landscape of Love" with Callie and Arizona’s story...

On Our 3 Year Anniversary: A Poem & Pictorial

Today, September 17, 2008, marks the three-year-anniversary of Renee and I. There has been laughter, tears, fights, make-up sex, lots more laughter, more silliness than I can count and more happiness than I can put into words. We've moved across the country, we've made new friends, we've adopted 4 cats and a dog, we've taken road trips, gone on vacation, started a business, redecorated our apartment umpteen times, we've been broke and even gone a little crazy at times, but the best part of all is we've done it together. You are my best friend, my partner-in-crime and most importantly, the love of my life. Here's to three incredible years and hopefully many more!

How do you measure three years?

3 years

On such a night when the air drifts by like a zephyr
And crickets chirp in unison like a thousand violins
I feel a certain presence that I've never felt before
So the mockingbird sings its nightly siren song
And as I wait with baited breath for something grand
I hear a knock and there's a stranger at my door.

36 months

And there she stands where no fierce light disturbs
Captivated in an instant and without further ado
I want to transport myself into her time zone
I am the genie and her wish is my command
Yet I find myself as mute as a dummy in Puppetville
But I have the distinct feeling I'm no longer alone

156 weeks

This is something too high for syllables to speak
When body electricity surges from head to toe
And her lips meet mine in perfect sync
And I see a lifetime in an instant personified
And I feel like the mighty Aphrodite on a pedestal
Her kiss makes it unmanageable for me to think!

1,095 days

Words are poignant yet meek to express emotion
Each day I'm floating in a vacuum of potent intimacies
Every ounce of my being is poured into this bond
Yes she crawled out from the ashes of my desires
Sweeping away all my fears and insecurities
With an unconventional beauty that derives from beyond

26,280 hours

I've been blessed with ESP because I can see my future
She is standing by my side 80 years from now
With cats and sunny afternoons spent dreaming
Under warm blankets with foggy memories of past
And each day my heart grows still and bigger and bolder
Like a ray of light straight to the prism I'm beaming

1,576,800 minutes

So after all the tests and tribulations of love
The question remains, how are three years measured?
Maybe it is measured with time and quantitative trials
My guess is that it's measure by wordless glances
And soulful exchanges which in an instance say
Love can best be measured by your smiles

9,4608,000 seconds

-Renee Gannon

Please Dont Take My Sunshine Away

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away...

My Grandma Is Dying

Two months ago, my father sat down with me and told me that I was about to lose the great love of my life – my beloved Grandma. “She has a very aggressive form of Leukemia that is most common in children. There is nothing that can be done. She has about 3-6 weeks”.

This was the moment that I had been dreading my entire life.

I had to get in my car and drive over to her house at 10:30pm to see her. She was expecting me and when she walked down the hall into the living room, I tried to keep myself from crying so I said, “Grandma, how could you do this to us?” and she deadpanned her response - “I just wanted some attention.”




Grandma has been the one constant in my life. With everything that ever changed in my life, everything about Grandma has stayed exactly the same. Her house is the only home I have ever known.

When I was growing up, I lived in a very turbulent household. My mom and her second husband would continually scream and physically fight with each other. I have a lot of memories of their violence and how it made me feel sick to my stomach. But then I have the memories of the summer when I would come to visit my dad and Grandma and what a different climate it was for me. They spoke so lovingly and respectfully towards each other. Grandma never got mad or yelled. She always had hugs and she laughed all the time. Her love for me was not conditional based on my grades or behavior like it was at home; but rather it was freely given and without reserve. It was such a welcome respite for my brother and me.

Growing up, I was closest to my Grandma. She has always been much more like a mother to me than my own mother was capable of being. Despite the fact that we sometimes lived far away from each other, we always had a deep and abiding love for one another. When I felt sad, I called her. When I wanted to talk, she listened. When I started my period for the first time (on a camping trip with my dad and brother!), I asked my dad to take me to her house. She took good care of me as she welcomed me into womanhood.

When I came out last year and ended my 18 year marriage, I knew that she would be as loving and gracious the same way that she always has in the past. I had waited until after her surgery at the beginning of January to tell her so that she would not worry about me while she was about to go through her medical issues. When she had her surgery, there were complications (they didn’t know she was sick then) and what was supposed to be a 3 day stay in the hospital turned into 6 weeks. We all took turns sitting with her.

One night while I was at her bedside, she told me that she knew that I had been unhappy for a long time and was there anything that I wanted to talk about? So I just told her right there in the hospital.

This 78 year old steel magnolia did what very, very few people in my family did. She listened to me. She didn’t judge me. She told me how sorry she was that I had tried so hard for so long, that it was nothing to be ashamed of and she was not ashamed or embarrassed, that I would be okay and that she would always love and support me. She just wanted for me to be happy and be with someone that I could love and who would love me back the same way – the way that she had loved my grandfather.

I got to hear about how she met him and that she fell in love with him that same day. They were engaged 3 days later and married 3 months later. They stayed married until he died over 30 years ago. She has never dated another man and she still dreams about him at least once or twice a week. She says she can’t wait to see him again. My dad teases her by telling her that when he died, he was in his early 50’s. She’ll be nearly 80 and he may not want her when he sees what she looks like now.

There has never been a conversation between Grandma and I where she did not call me “precious one” at least once. There has never been a crisis in my life where I did not call Grandma for advice. There has never been a day since my 2 kids were born that I did not pray and ask God to allow her to live long enough so that they could know her. And she has. My 14 and 16 year olds not only know her, they adore her as much as every other person who knows her.



My Grandma has lived past the 6 week prognosis they have 8 weeks ago. She is trying to make it until her birthday this Sunday. We have all been taking turns staying with her, sitting at her feet and listening to her talk to visitors and callers to console them, give them advice and minister to their spirits.

Recently, I crawled into bed with her to pray with her before bedtime. I could barely get “Our Heavenly Father” out before I began to cry like a baby. How will I live without her? I really don’t know. I can’t even think of what I will do each day knowing that she isn’t going to be there. The person that I love the most in this world will not be with me for the rest of my life and I have no idea what my life will be like without the great love of my life.

I trust in what she tells me and everyone else who is struggling through this. She says every single time we talk, “Shan, everything is going to be all right.” And I know it will.

God, thank you for her life and the impact that she has had on me. You knew that I would need balance to be able to see good and bad and you gave me the very best role model in her. Please take good care of her until I see her again. Thanks….

Love and Fidelity

I want to share with you a new perspective on fidelity that has me completely jazzed! The timing is perfect (of course!). I find myself coaching more and more women who are in committed relationships, and I keep exploring "love, like I want it to be". What a gift! The quote below by Adyashanti, is becoming a beacon that guides my approach to integrating the Law of Attraction into relationships.

it's having a certain fidelity to what you realize yourself to be. Having a fidelity to that internal silence, and just being willing to be what you are.

At any moment, am I actually an expression of - am I actually being - what I know to be true? It's another one of those things that sounds very simple, until you might be by yourself, or especially where the spiritual rubber hits the road, which is in relationship - am I actually being what I know myself to be? Am I expressing what's really true?" Adyashanti

Can you imagine a relationship which is created and nourished as each person is faithful to their own spirit? WOW, that is definitely my kind of love! How do you know if you are " actually being what I know myself how do you navigate the shoulds and fears that we can bring to our. As complicated as it all seems, the Law of Attraction can really help us simplify our relationships.

Here are a few basic Law of Attraction principles. Our soul is always sending us very clear messages about fulfilling your true desires. You are following your soul's path when you feel good. Your body feels strong/er. You have increased energy, excitement and ideas. Feeling good actually expands and attracts more good feelings!

When your thoughts lead you away from your real desires, you experience a range of negative emotions-frustration, despair, inertia, anger, doubts etc. Your body feels tight or weaker, and your energy wanes.

A pretty keen guidance system, yes?

So, tell me, what kind of love would loyalty to your fabulously delicious self create?

With much love,
Judy

Judy is a Law of Attraction Coach for lesbian, bi and queer women seeking love like you know it can be and our newest addition to the Lesbitopia writing staff.

She has been supporting people to have the life they desire for over 25 years.

We are excited to bring her passion for fun, possibilities, romance, and law of attraction to our staff of writers.

Lesbian Bride Chronicles: From Singleton to Smug Married?

Marriage was never a given for me. Sure, I was indoctrinated like most to see marriage as one of the end points, one of the major sacraments (if not for religious anymore, at least for society) to pass as signs of success. But I never figured I would get married. I focused on academic affairs instead of romantic ones, and I never expected to have even a regular partner until I'd finished my PhD and had a decent job. I always said I didn't have time for a girlfriend; I just wanted to fuck (not that I did much of that) to satisfy my needs, but I was happy with my cats, my computer, my books, my friends and travel. I'm not going to say I was completely satisfied being single. I wanted someone to spend time with, someone special, but I always thought there were more important things.



I'd seen so many friends change and fade away from me when they entered into relationships. (I admit I'm not immune from this characteristic.) I never wanted to be like that because I don't believe that one person can or should be everything to you. (Part of this has to do with monogamy, but that's for another day.) I proudly claimed the label quirkyalone, a term that is defined as

Quirkyalones are people who enjoy being single (but are not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefer being single to dating for the sake of being in a relationship.

Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. We tend to be romantics. We prefer to be single rather than settle. In fact, the core of quirkyalone is the inability to settle. We spend a signficant chunk of our lives single because we hold relationships to a high standard.

Are quirkyalones loners? Not necessarily. Quirkyalones often value friendship very highly. We're often very social people. But we do value occasional solitude. Quirkyalones are often creative and need time alone to allow thoughts to fully form.

The definition still fits. I love that coupledom is included in the concept as well, under the term quirkytogether. You can still be yourself when you're in a relationship! It seems that people so rarely know this. And it is possible to have a completely fulfilling life as a singleton. I was in high school when I started thinking I might never marry. Part of this was because I was fighting hard to stay in the closet, and I associated marriage with patriarchy and men, neither of which I wanted anything to do with. But I had several excellent role models of women who were spinsters (I mean this in the best possible sense) and they fucking rocked. I wanted to be just like them. And I decided in junior high that I wanted to adopt a baby (more on birthing later, too) regardless of whether or not I was in a relationship. I had plenty of friends raised by single women and it didn't seem bad. I always knew I wanted children, but I didn't see this as having anything to do with a relationship.

Trouble is, I'm a hopeless romantic. And, as Melissa Ferrick puts it, It's also true what you've heard about me; I fall in love every time. I've had some scrapes with unrequited love, and at this time last year, having been celibate for over two years, I was sure at last that I would be single forever, that a romantic relationship was not something I was meant for.

And then I met her. I was totally fucking blindsided by Luckdragon. Every minute we spent together made me quickly revising my thinking. After four days, I fell hard in love with her, real love, in a way I'd never felt before, a way that made me realize I had never been in love before. Who was this person I was becoming? And she felt the same way about me. In fact, she had, literally, ordered me. After her last, awful break up, she put out a request to the universe, writing down a list of what she wanted in a partner. And I am everything on that list. I always thought about relationships from my point of view, never from the other person's perspective. We think about what we want, not what we have to offer.

We have our differences, of course, but we are perfect for each other. We are compatible in a way I never thought possible, and I know it sounds saccharine, but it's true. I'm optimistic, but I'm not stupid. I know things won't always be perfect. I know we'll have our problems. (The major one for the first year of our relationship is that we live 1000 miles apart.) I'm sure there are things about this that I am naive about. But I'd like to think that my years as a singleton have prepared me for married life; I knew what I didn't want to become and what I didn't want my relationship to be. It doesn't really matter that we're getting married (though I'm having a ball planning the party!). We've made the decision to be permanent, cohabiting partners, whether the government or my grandmother accepts it or not.

And even though I never thought I would get married, I didn't count on Luckdragon; I didn't want to partake in the institution of marriage in the abstract, but specifically? Yes, I do want to marry Luck. I wouldn't want to marry someone else, just her, my sexy, dreadlocked, goalie chef who always thinks of others before herself, who knows her poet-partner so well that she proposes in the poetry section of a used bookstore with a ring made from falling stars. And she will refuse to assimilate and have a normal life or a normal marriage, and abnormality is the only kind I can imagine.

On the Role of Lesbian Girl [space] Friends

There's a phrase I've heard over and over in the lesbian community, that seems to be the underlying reason for everything we do: "We're lesbians. It's complicated." Whether it be moving in together, sleeping with our exes, or the rampant gossip among our circles of friends, we lesbians seem to be rife with drama. There are times when I embrace this as merely a side-effect of massive amounts of estrogen, but lately I've been thinking that sometimes the drama overpowers common sense and reason.

Here's the thing that I think we forget: NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A POTENTIAL DATE. Read that line again.

As women, we are relational creatures, and need friends in our lives. Unfortunately, both our best friends and our most passionate lovers look very much the same. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, who find friends and lovers in opposite genders, we must decipher from body language and chemistry and feelings and attraction whether a woman we meet could be a partner or a pal.

I believe that many lesbian women fall into the trap of allowing the first option to be the default. They see everyone woman as a possibility, and if it doesn't work, well, then we could be friends. This is faulty logic. It can lead to damaged friendships (or potential friendships) and heartache when we try to have relationships that we've failed to evaluate. If they had waited a little longer, gone out a few more times, they would have realized that it wasn't going to work. But now someone's broken someone's heart, it will be awkward for a while when everyone hangs out. Purely hypothetical situation, of course.

I propose an alternative. I believe that the best model is to view every woman we meet as a potential friend. This way, we will take the time to get to know her and evaluate how she best fits in our lives. Also, we wouldn't have to deal with petty jealousies - we could have friendships with women we meet, even if they have girlfriends! I also think that it will open more people to friendships, because there wouldn't be that awkward she likes me, but I don't like her... does she think this is a date or are we just friends? Granted, that's also due to lack of communication in the lesbian dating process. But that's an article for another time.

The best result of this approach is that the relationship which due flourish will be that much stronger because they originated as friendships. I heard a quote a long time ago that I've used often but never properly attributed (because I don't know who originally said it), but it's become one of my favorites: "Love is friendship on fire." The best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship. Passion waxes and wanes, but the stability of the trust, respect, and love of a friendship will keep us strong through the hard times.

It can be hard to change our mentalities, especially when we're single. I would encourage each of us, though, to pay attention to our reactions when we meet new women. Do you scope them out and immediately rate them as a potential partner? I know I do sometimes. If you're like me, let's start thinking more about the friendships that we can develop with other lesbian women. As we develop a network of friends who truly care about us and love us, we will have a built-in support group that can help us through any storm life (and drama!) may bring us.

On the Importance of Attending the Prom

Did you go to the Prom? I did. I was straight back then, so I went with my boyfriend at the time. We had been dating for about two months - a long time in high school, so of course we were going to Prom together. It was... fine. Nothing extraordinary. Certainly nothing like what the media and ABC Family makes it out to be. It was just a dance, with an expensive dance and people I didn't like and a dinner I don't remember and pictures that turned out really bad. But for this couple, I hope Prom is a fantastic memory:



According to The Huntsville Times, Circuit Court Judge John Graham ordered yesterday that the Board of Education in Scottsboro, Alabama was to allow a lesbian couple to attend their high school Prom. Typically, courts are not in cession on Saturday, but seeing as it was the day of the Prom, a decision was pressing. Immediately after hearing the ruling, Chelsea Overstreet, 17, a junior, and her date Lauren Martin, 16, dressed in their prom clothes and attended a press conference. You can read the full article by David Brewer of The Huntsville Times here. Apparently, since there was no state law regarding this issue, the judge was able to cite a federal law which prevents public schools from denying same-sex couples admission to Proms.

Alabama, people! We're talking the Bible Belt! I could not be happier for this beautiful couple and I hope that their friends and classmates celebrate them as they deserve. I know that at times, we get discouraged with the state of gay acceptance in our country. But change never happens overnight, and progress is being made in baby steps every day. We must celebrate each of these victories, and then spread the news so that similar steps can be taken in other places. Can you imagine the day when, rather than Prom King and Prom Queen, a high school chooses to crown a "Prom Couple", regardless of gender? It makes me so excited to think about the ramifications of this decision and the ways that equality will continue to grow.

Most women in my generation (ages 20-40) did not come to terms with their sexuality until well after high school, due to either inward or outward homophobic pressures. As our world changes, though, teens are finding the freedom to explore and determine their sexuality at younger ages. This is something that is so much healthier for them, and we need to do everything we can to continue this progress. Anyone who was forced in the closet for any amount of time can tell you about the emotional and mental consequences that resulted from such a painful experience. I dream of a day when no child, teen, or young adult is forced to deny who they are because of other people's opinions or beliefs. I can't wait until we as a society create an environment which encourages acceptance of all people, all sexualities, all genders variants. Yes, I am a woman. I am a lesbian. I am a college-graduate. I am a white, middle-class American. But all of that is secondary. Those are adjectives. Characteristics, not identities. First and foremost, I am a human being. Just like you. I will respect you as such. And one day, the majority of the world will, too.

A Love Story In The Face of Hate

As a writer, and as a person, I am constantly looking for inspiration. I didn't have to look very far once I met, and was lucky enough, to befriend Suzanne Moe.

I met her through my girlfriend April - and at once, I was struck by how humble this dynamic and talented artist is. The more I learned about how she came to film her first documentary about a lesbian couple fleeing hate legislation, the more I realized she HERSELF had a story to tell.



I pitched the idea and Suzanne, the couple profiled in the film, and numerous other people involved with the documentary agreed to be interviewed. As I collected all my notes and began writing, I had no idea when or if the article would be published. I simply hoped that someone would see the value in Suzanne's determination to tell this powerful story. Curve magazine did. They published my article in October of last year and the response was incredible.

I'm posting the article I wrote below because this story does not have a shelf life. States are still trying to pass hate legislation against same sex couples and this film is a tool that has been used, and should continue to be used, as a tool to fight back.

I stand in awe of Suzanne and her message that every person has not only a right to demand change, but the ability to do something about it.

Heather (aka the wishful writer)


(Photo 2007 Suzanne Carr Rossi, The Free Lance-Star)

Suzanne Moe is a tattoo artist known for leaving memorable, lasting impressions on skin. She never planned on becoming a documentary filmmaker responsible for leaving her mark on the LGBT community, much less on the Constitution.

Despite the fact that Barbara and Tibby: A Love Story in the Face of Hate is shot with a small hand held camera, little lighting and zero sound equipment, Moe's documentary is quickly becoming recognized as the go-to educational piece for any state confronted with legislation prohibiting civil unions, partnership contracts or other arrangements between persons of the same sex purporting to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage.

In Virginia, Moe's state of residence, it's the Marshall/Newman Amendment that sought to change the Constitution this past November, attempting to strip not just gay rights, but human rights. Her rise to political activist and Vote NO mouthpiece began with an e-mail from her friend Barbara, explaining that she and her partner of 40 years, Tibby, were moving to Maryland so as not to become the test case should the amendment pass. They had reason to fear, as Barbara had just been diagnosed with a brain aneurysm and her health was fragile. After four decades of loving and living, they weren't willing to risk having their medical directives, wills, finances and other contractual agreements deemed null and void.

"That e-mail twisted me," Moe says. "I printed it and carried it around in my back pocket for three days. I read and re-read it. These women were pillars in my community and they were being run out of town. I became so angry I started shaking. I knew time was of the essence and as an artist, creating for a purpose that matters to me is integral to who I am."

Moe approached a weary and semi-closeted Barbara and Tibby with a proposal. Although she'd never worked with a camera, she wanted to tell their story, via video, to their church congregation so at least the people who cared about them most would know the truth about why they were leaving. Barbara and Tibby contemplated it for some time before agreeing to let Moe videotape them. They were scared, to be sure, but the video was to be shown just one time. They found some comfort in that.

"I started to tremble as I was filming them talk about their life together," Moe says. "I knew it was good and compelling. These women are completely non-threatening and relatable. At the time, I truly believed this video would only be seen one night, but I knew those who saw it would realize how special this story was and how important it would be to vote no."

Moe spent the next two months learning the software and editing the video. It debuted to 200 people, mostly straight, and concluded with a standing ovation and several "now I get it" revelations. Barbara and Tibby were blown away by the response. That one showing led to thousands of screenings at churches--it also premiered at an HRC function, was used as a tool in a law school and was the focus of hundreds of viewing parties across the country. Thanks to this documentary, people from all walks of life are becoming educated on the veiled wording of these types of amendments and learning how it affects all unmarried people, regardless of sexual preference.

"This documentary took off not because it's technically wonderful, but because it's the first piece of media telling this story," Moe says. "I was aware of my ignorance, and I didn't let it stop me. Sure, someone could have told it better, or made it look slicker, but the truth was nobody was doing it."

Although the amendment passed in her home state of Virginia, Moe refuses to be defeated. She had no aspirations of becoming a lesbian ambassador, but now that she is one, she's speaking out not only about the damning legislation, but also about the power one individual has to become an agent for change.

Suzanne Moe is proof you don't have to know what you are doing, you just have to know why.

To see a clip of Barbara and Tibby: Love in the Face of Hate or to get information about hosting your own viewing party, visit sumoe.com.

The Enlightened Dyke: On the Expectation of Failure

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read may cause discomfort for some. Please recall my first post, in which I explained that my philosophy as a Professor is to offer ideas for consideration, not absolute truth. Take my opinion, mull on it, ponder it, chew on it, and then come to your own conclusions.

As a general rule, we in the human population tend to believe in ourselves. When we attempt something, we expect that it will succeed. A runner who enters a marathon expects to finish the race. A theatre company expects to put on a great show. Even when we play the lottery, something inside us really thinks we'll win! I think it is wonderful, this confidence and optimism that we as a people group tend to have. What disappoints me, however, is that this trend does not extend into the one area where I believe it most needs to be: our relationships.

It seems to be a rare thing these days to see a couple who stays together. Even on our favorite television show, The L Word, there doesn't appear to be a single couple with a chance of making it! More importantly, in real life, our relationships aren't permanent. A year, two years, maybe even five - but then something happens: an affair, a big fight, lesbian bed death, or simply a desire for change, and then this relationship that has had time, money, emotions, and lives invested into it, is over. Those of you who have been through this know how difficult it is, and how scary it can be to start over and try again. The thing is, though, it seems like we typically expect relationships to fail. We go into relationships quickly, based on little more than possibility or opportunity. We know that it probably won't last, but don't really care.

Why is this bad, you may ask? What's the problem with enjoying relationships while they last and then moving on? Well, I just think it's hard on our hearts. We become jaded, hard-hearted, and less capable of being vulnerable and real with each other, which, in turn, hampers intimacy. And isn't that what a lover is? The one person with whom we are intimately tied, the one place where we are safe to be ourselves? Not only that, but staying with one person and one person only is good for you! It increases life expectancy and quality of life and a host of other things. You can read here and here and many other places I'm sure about the benefits of monogamy and long term commitment. Basically, it's good for your health and your emotional well-being, and it's good for families and communities. Ideally, in love, we are looking for a partner - someone to do life with. It requires time, growth, and work, which can be daunting, especially if we feel we must do it over and over again - but the reward is worth it.

I realize there is a bitter element to this discussion in that we as a people group are still denied the freedom to marry and make that lifelong commitment. However, I do believe things will be changing in the near political future, and I also think that it doesn't much matter what other people think - we can still choose to have the kind of relationships that are best for us. You know what else? It might even help the cause, if we can show that in spite of discrimination, we still value the idea of marriage, more so than the heterosexual community at times. A columnist by the name of William Saletan wrote an excellent article about gay covenant marriage - choosing the kind of life-long commitment that straight couples are failing to maintain every day. It's something worth considering.

You know, I have not always been a member of this fantastic community of lesbians. I was a card-carrying breeder for a large portion of my life. This gives me a unique insight into both groups of people, and I can tell you that this phenomenon plagues not just the lesbian community, but our entire generation. So many young couples approach romantic relationships with the idea that once it has served its purpose, or once it becomes difficult, then it is finished and it's time to give up. The goes for gay couples, straight couples, and everyone in between. It's funny - many outspoken conservatives and right-wingers like to blame homosexuality for the high divorce rate and the breakdown of the family. My thoughts? It's the expectation of failure.

When I wrote "our generation" in the above paragraph, I was referring largely to the under-40 age group. See, the curious discovery for me was the different viewpoint that many in the "wiser" generation have. I spoke to several older lesbians who informed me that they still expect relationships to last forever. One woman (who told me she had celebrated over twenty five 21st birthdays) said that she had been with her current partner for 5 years, and fully expected to spend the rest of her life with that woman. She confessed, though, that she felt the same about her previous partner, with whom she shared 13 years. It is even visible among the gay community. Just last weekend at church, we honored two men who were celebrating their 35 year anniversary.

So what happened between that generation and ours, that we've gone from "till death do us part" to something resembling "till we don't want to anymore"? Use divorce as a search query on Google and you will be inundated with theories on that; I have a few myself. Rather than dwell on the past, though, I think we should focus more on changing our expectations and our behaviors, so that we can begin to reverse the trend. We should support and encourage couples in our community. We should throw them showers when they have weddings or civil unions. We should honor their anniversaries and other milestones. We should have a little bit of faith in the strength of our hearts to endure difficult times and expect success in this are of our lives as well.

To Lesbiatopia, With Love

You may have read our most recent submission to our advice column "Ask a Lesbian" entitled 'Can You Help a Straight Guy in Love?' where the ladies of Lesbiatopia put their heads together and weighed in on a sensitive subject in one of our straight male readers life. Well, after reading our advice, Mr. Straight Guy wanted to weigh in one more time to those who responded and also say thank you. And to the ladies of Lesbiatopia: keep up the good work - your advice has inspired many and helped a lot.

Lesberita,

I agree that conversations about sexual orientation is probably one of the most personal conversations you could ever have. It is not apporate to ask, given the level of our relationship. I will be very supportive, and if she comes to me, great. But to ask directly would be a very poor decision.

Surf Mom,

Sexual orientation is not a black and white issue. Honesty is the best policy.

Hillbilly,

You bring up many good points. It is more than possible that she is straight. Since the entire group agrees that her opinion of bi-sexuality is pretty mis-informed, it could further lead to the fact that she is straight. And like you say, don't rock the boat, if I am happy, then I should just be happy, and everything will happen (or not) in time. To ask if she is a lesbian, if she is straight, could also have disastrous results.

Wishfull,

I do have to say, I am examining why I have another lover when I have an SO at the same time. That is a completely different topic, but extremely relevent to this issue. I don't have an answer to that, but dishonesty is not a good thing. I agree with that completely. I have to take an honest look at myself in the mirror, to answer that. However, I respect you bringing that point up.

To answer your question, I do find it exciting if she had a girlfriend, and in some ways that may cheapen the significance of her other relationship (if there is one), and then cheapen our relationship at the same time.

It does not serve any usefull purpose, and I agree to ask is a bad move.


Beebo,

Your advise is short but simple. It is none of my business, and that would be the FIRST thing she would say to me, just before leaving out the door forever.


To All,

Thank you for your honest advise. You ladies have steared me away from dangerous territory, and all have brought some very good opinions to my question. After reading the opinions, I do not know why knowing if she is lesbian, bi-sexual or straight serves any useful purpose. If anything I am sure I would have ruined the relationship that I am so happy to be in.

I do want to say that when I was searching the Internet for answers, I was not finding anything to help me. Your "Ask a Lesbian" was the best thing I could have every come across. I want to wish you success on your website, and give a special thank you to all the members that are keeping your website going. It certainly helped me alot.

Thanks again

Straight Guy in Love

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Ask a Lesbian: "Can You Help a Straight Guy in Love?"

Recently a straight male contacted our "Ask a Lesbian" advice column for some advice. I asked our ladies to weigh in on advice for him. I've posted his query and our responses. Feel free to weigh in on the comments section.

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I am going to try to keep this simple. I am a straight guy is in love with a beautiful girl. She is my friend (not a girlfriend), but we have sex and a great relationship. I help her with money, and we have fun together. I am a sugar daddy of sorts -- but if everyone is happy, who cares. I am in another relationship, so I am not exactly available to expand our friendship further, and she is "happy with the way things are." I have asked her about this several times, and her answer is always the same. In the two years we have been together, I sometimes wonder why she has not met another guy (SO) and I would have to let her go. I would let her go because I love her, but to my amazement (and I am happy to say) no guy has emerged, and we are still going strong.

Now my "gay-dar" (I hope it is OK to say that) is pretty poor. But after thinking back on conversations, and such, I finally came to the conclusion that maybe she is a lesbian. She said that being bi-sexual means that you are confused about your identity. You are either lesbian or straight. This conversation came up when we were talking about someone else we know. So at the time, because she was having sex with me, I thought that she must be straight. But now I am not so sure. She has a good friend (girl friend), and now I think this friend may be her lover.

So, should I ask her if she is lesbian? I only want to know because I love her and want to know what is important to her. Since we are going strong, and everything is OK with our relationship, should I even care? Maybe I should just let it go and enjoy our time together. If she is a lesbian, I am honored that she spends time with me. I am not jealous, if anything, I would rather know that she has a girlfriend, and I am the only man, than her being straight, and having several men. I am afraid if I approach this wrong (and knowing me I will probably say the wrong thing), and she will say something like "its none of your business," or something similar, and I will mess up everything we have.

So, do I let it go? or do I ask? and if so, how?

I hope you ladies on this board can help me.

Straight guy in love

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Dear Straight Guy in Love: It is in my personal experience that you should never ask a person if they are gay. Coming to terms with ones sexuality is something that a person has to do on their own time. Even if you think she is questioning, or possibly could be seeing a woman, it is not appropriate to ask her, especially since you are not in a relationship. If she wants to come out to you, than she will when she is ready for you to know. The best thing you can do is let her know in a roundabout way that you are an open-minded person and comfortable with all types of sexualities. If she is questioning, than her knowing you are a supportive and open-minded person may make her feel more comfortable talking to you about it if and when she is ready. Other than that, there is not much else you can do but enjoy each other's company and respect your decisions to lead seperate lives when you are not together.

Best of luck to you,
Lesberita

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For some reason this world requires a person to identify and either 100% straight or 100% gay but if when asked the question are you a lesbian or are you straight, I normally say 'I really like girls way more than boys but the two likes never meet in bed'... and that is the perfect description of my sexuality. Sexuality is simply not a black and white issue and everyone has there own version of normal. But the key here is being honest for all concerned.

Best of Luck,
Paula the Surf Mom

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Dear Straight Guy,
I don’t think she is a lesbian at all, rather she is just brilliant! Why would she need another man when she gets sex and money from you, and friendship and support from her close friend? She’s got the best of all worlds.

Seriously though – women who claim to be bisexual can honestly be just that. I think everyone is on a scale and some scales lean heavier towards one gender in particular. To say you can not be bisexual is a very bold and inaccurate statement, which further leads me to believe she is completely straight and doesn’t know what she is talking about. Of course unless she really is bisexual and this is the only way for her to feel like she is pulling one over on you. But then why would should lie? Does she think you will be upset and no longer offer her your friendship and sex? Honestly, I don’t know many men that would disapprove, especially given your “arrangement.”

I definitely think you should let this one go. If you are both happy in your given situation, don’t rock the boat. And if you are as good of friends as you think, she will tell you when/if she wants to share further details about her relationship with this other woman, if there is in fact something to share.

Good luck!
HillBilly

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My first question would be: does your current significant other know that you are engaged in a sexual relationship with PL (possible lesbian?) If she's aware that you are having a sex with another woman and is truly accepting of it, does it matter if that woman is gay, straight or bi-sexual?

I'm assuming PL is an adult woman and chooses her sexual partners based on her needs (sexual and, in this case, also financial). If she wanted another partner, or wanted to tell you about a current partner, I'm guessing she will/would.

If your current significant other doesn't know about PL, then I don't think EVERYONE in this triangle would be "happy with the way things are." Secrets are painful and hurtful.

What if PL's "friend" really was a lover? How would that change things for you? Would you resent being a sugar daddy? Feel used? Or would it excite you?

Sounds to me like there are a lot of variables in this scenario and getting to the core of what you really want to know - and why you want to know it - is important before even bringing it up with her.

It's clear that you seem to care about her, but I'm not sure why knowing if she's gay, straight or bi-sexual is of any importance - given you are in another relationship yourself.

As for bi-sexuals being confused, I couldn't agree less. I'm purely gay, but I have friends who are open to both sexes and the only thing they are confused about is why others seem so hung up on their sexual orientation.
Best,
Wishful Writer

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I don't think you should ask her. It really is none of your business. If she hasn't let you into her world in the two years that you have been together then she doesn't want you in it. Sad but true.
Good luck,
Beebo Brinker

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A po-em!

A-hem!

Once again my tale rings true,
And I am an ingrate all over you.

My sweetness derived in love and desire,
Compliments, flirtations, sheer admire....

Turned your heart indeed, a connection,
but fast into that other direction.

Right to the place I have always ended.
Privileged in a way I never intended.

And thus, I hear your every thought.
Whether I want to...or not.

Pieces falling fast, and you just don't see,
Feeling for someone, but it isn't me.

And I die a little, whenever you speak,
Closer we get, the more I am weak.

You trust me, thanks, but I want a real chance.
To get out of friendship, and into your pants!

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Tags: Girls we wish we had, humor, love, Poetry