Helpless

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Last night, Sweet Melissa woke me up with a start in the middle of the night.
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"Baybee!!" I heard.
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I flipped my eyelids up and my heart began pounding as the adrenaline rushed through my veins. Someone is in the house! I'll kill them!!!
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"What is it!?" I asked.
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"You're all uncovered!!!" she answered in a panicked voice.
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So I was. Not only uncovered, but exposed to the fan blowing next to the bed. She had to accentuate the point by putting her hot hand on my frozen stomach to make me realize that I was, in fact, freezing to death and likely only moments from going into a state of shock.
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Like most people at the beginnings of hypothermia, I became disoriented and confused as I fumbled with the bedding. I could not figure out the entry point for going under the covers. What I didn't know is that I was laying on top of them. I easily exhausted myself in my attempts to find my way back under the blankets. As my body began to give up the fight, all I could manage to do was issue a frustrated final call for help: "Baby, I don't know what to do!"
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Without any regard to retaining her own warm spot on the bed, she dove over and, in what seemed like mere seconds, she had me completely covered up. Like any seasoned rescuer, she covered my body with hers to share her body heat until my core body temperature returned back to normal.
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Surely if she had not discovered me laying out atop of my bedding and taken such heroic action, I might very well be dead this morning. So thank you to my Sweet Melissa for saving my life.
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Again.
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Originally posted at http://sinnerviewer.blogspot.com/

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered

Today letter comes from a Sister who in a relationship with a married woman, wondering if it is not just time to break it off.....

Dear BOOK,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now and it is very serious. When we first met we were just friends and shared a few sexual encounters because she was and is still married. Her marriage is convenient because he is very good about taking care of the household and she can live very comfortable because he makes very good money. They tried on numerous occasions to be exclusively married but have gone astray on both parts. She has never stopped seeing me and he has had his side pieces. Moving forward she and I have spoken about living together, getting married all the good things associated with a committed relationship. We have tried to break up and let her deal with her marriage but can't for some reason. It is not the sex, if that is what you think because we don't have it that much. (We both have small children). It is an emotional and mental connection that has created this mess of a love triangle. A lot of the problems in her marriage may be because the husband may have some sort of depression which causes him to be more of a tyrant than a husband. The problem now is he is on medication for his depression and he is like a different person. I feel as though I am losing her to him because he is the complete opposite of what he used to be and she finds that very appealing now. How can I truly compete with him? I know she loves me but ideally she will probably stay with him. Should I just break it off completely before I lose my mind from jealousy?

Thanks,
Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady in Waiting,

You are calling a married woman your "girlfriend"? I understand that you've been involved for a long time but at no point ever can a married woman fulfill the responsibilities of being another persons girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means being honest and available beyond one's own convenience. It means being a support system and a cheerleader. It means sharing in each other's joys and each other's sorrows. If this woman is married to a man with whom she has a family, there is no chance she has the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be these things to you. You are not being treated like a girlfriend. You are getting the short end of the stick here.

Yes, you should absolutely break it off completely. Right now. Forever-ever. After three years, you have every indication that she will never choose your relationship over the comfort of her marriage. Right now, she's getting everything she needs. She's got a docile husband hopped up on zombie meds to take care of her financially and she's got you to run to for all the emotional support and coddling she needs. Not to mention, she's getting laid more than both you or her husband. Basically, she's never gonna call this off, it's too sweet a deal for her. But she's never gonna do right by you.

YOU have to make the hard decision here. Again, she's making you do the work. Do yourself the favor this time and go find yourself someone who wants to be a real partner to you. I know it sucks to end it with someone you love. But sitting through that pain to make room for someone who loves you back the right way is going to pay off big.

The book is closed!

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered.

Dear, The BOOK,

okay, so the first time i noticed i was attracted to a girl was in high school when i was 16 and in year 11. she was in my year and we both were sharing a locker with a mutual friend who had actually been a friend of my sisters but we ended up bonding over a love of buffy the vampire slayer. we ended up having a free period together and would spend all that time talking and laughing and not studying. eventually she became my best friend and i moved to sit with her and her other friends.

this girl...she was gorgeous. i don't really know when i first thought of myself as attracted to her. i guess general admiration became something more. but i still don't know if i thought i liked her because i was misconstruing my want to be her to a want to have her. i ended up being able to kiss her one night, we were at a party, we were drunk and all the girls were going through that stage of kissing each other to get guys attention. someone said to the friend i was crushing on that we should kiss. something must have shown on my face because she said we didn't have to, but i just laughed it off and said i didn't care. so we kissed, kinda chaste, a little tongue and then she pulled back. i don't know about her but i was exhilerated! it was here that i really, really started questioning myself.

in year 12 i ended up getting my first boyfriend. he was really sweet, and SO HOT! and i was really, really attracted to him. we kissed, did some touching, but i was too scared to take it further. i broke up with him a couple of months out of high school because we didn't really have time together.

a year or so after school i started a new job working in a coffee shop (i had worked at mcdonalds for two years). turned out a friend of mitch's worked there who just happened to be gay. we struck up a friendship and he was the first person i admitted out loud to maybe being not so straight. soon i had a small circle of gay friends who i felt very comfortable being around.

so i knew i was attracted to guys, i am attracted to guys, but i also seem to be attracted to girls. not all girls but sometimes a girl will walk past me and i'll notice her just a little bit longer than necessary. i've basically admitted to myself that i'm bisexual, but how do i know if i've never had an experience with a girl (although i'm still a virgin on the guy front as well). i try to watch as much gay tv and movies as i can, i love south of nowhere, watched the willow/tara thing with rabid interest, ordered the l word off the internet, search out femslash fanfiction, and find myself lusting after celebrities like angelina jolie, eliza dushku, lena heady, elisha cuthbert, just to name a few, but also johnny depp, emile hirsch, david beckham and gerard butler.

my friends are very very understanding of our gay friends, but i don't know if they'd feel the same way about lesbians. they have in the past made comments like eew lesbian and i don't know. and i have NO idea how my family would take it, but my aunty did say she understood gays and lesbians but that bisexuals were wrong. i don't know if you can give me any advice but it feels good to vent and go through my feelings.

Thank You,
Femme Fatale


Dear Femme Fatale,

First I'd like to say well done for being honest with yourself about what you want. It sounds like you've had a lot of the all important experiences people face learning about their sexuality during their teen years. It also sounds like you are ready to explore what your sexuality means to you now, as an adult.

To address your concerns, I'm going to reference what I call "The Book" or "The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules". Coming out at a young age myself, I've managed to accrue a rather scary amount of knowledge and insight regarding the behaviors and lifestyles of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, and questioning, ie queer people. This book has all the rules, regulations, standards and practices that one needs to know in order to conduct one's homo business. I'm very excited to begin sharing the sacred text of the book with my fellow queers, so here goes!

So what do we know? We know you've had experiences with men and that you enjoyed them enough. We also know that in high school you experienced an intense emotional and physical attraction to another girl. That to me sounds like enough evidence to conclude that you would enjoy being with a woman now. I'd say it's worth investigating!

I'm excited to hear you've found gay male friends to hang out with. This was how I got my gay ol' start as well and it seems pretty standard across the board due to the reality that men generally come out earlier than women. Now that you've got your 'gays', you best use them to your advantage. It's time to go get out their and meet some women. Take your boys to your local gay bar, even small cities have a few! It sounds like you are pretty starved for lesbian culture and might really enjoy sharing your passion for the shows and other lesbian themed things you like with other women who are into them as well.

I think the most important thing is that you seek out other women to bond with over your common interests. The thought of jumping into the lesbian dating pool can be quite overwhelming so remember that you get to take your time. Friends first, dates second. And do not forget that associating with other women who are attracted to women does not mean you have to commit to only ever dating women. All of our sexualities are fluid and we all need different things at different times. Labels like "gay", "lesbian" and "bisexual" end up being too exclusive for many of us. The point is to love who you love when you love them, despite what others think about who you should love. This is your very own personal journey towards finding out what you want and need in life!

What your friends and family needs to know is that being attracted to women is part of who you are and that it's going to be something you explore in your life. That's it. Defining your life and sexuality beyond such is futile at the age of 21. It sounds like you have a family that's worked hard to take car of you all your life so I have a feeling that, after the initial shock, they will learn to accept this part of your identity and continue loving you as they do. No matter how long it takes for them to understand and no matter how long it takes for you to feel completely comfortable with yourself, remember that you are worth taking care of as you are here now. Coming out to family and friends is always scary and you can never really be sure how long it will take to find acceptance but as the Dalai Lama says, "Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk."

I'm closing The Book! Take care!

The Lesbian Bride Chronicles: Finding a Lesbian Wedding Dress

The thing that's important to know is that I hate dresses. I know some lesbians who love dresses, and some who hate them even more than I do. But I generally consider myself to be closer to the butch end of the spectrum. So when it came to picking out our wedding outfits, I wasn't sure which direction to go. Some lesbians look good in pantsuits. I never have. So I didn’t consider wearing a suit for my wedding, even though I do tend to hate dresses. I haven’t worn a dress since being a bridesmaid in my MOH's (that's maid of honor, for those of you not familiar with wedding acronyms) wedding almost two years ago. But I view occasions like graduations and weddings as opportunities for a costume. Dresses are so far from my normal wardrobe (sloppy jeans and t-shirts or, if I’m dressing up, a Polo) that it does feel like costuming. Since a wedding is such a production, an honest, earnest one, but a production nonetheless (something heightened by the fact that Luck was a theater major and I grew up in my parents’ community theater and we have set ourselves the task of memorizing our vows), it only makes sense to dress the part.

I remember when my wedding dress arrived in the mail. I discovered the simple slip dress online at David's Bridal. Even though I kind of hate that store, my budget just doesn't allow for fancy bridal shops, and I can’t justify spending obscene cash on a dress that I’ll wear once. But that’s not to say I didn’t care about what I’d be wearing. For some people, the dress is one of the most important parts, and I think that's fine. For me, I just wanted something pretty; I wanted something simple, not too feminine, not puffy, no skirts full of tulle or crinoline. It was only available online, so I couldn’t try it on, but there was a special feature. You could press a button: “see this dress in motion” and the model would come to life, swaying from side to side and then twirling, the ivory fabric flowing like soft water around her legs. This was The Dress.

I’d heard other women talk about this feeling—they compare it to the moment when they knew their partner was The One. Often it comes when trying on dresses in the store, stepping onto the pedestal surrounded by mirrors, opening your eyes and looking around. Magazines call it the, “Oh, Mom” moment. Tears fall, your mother and maid of honor flock to your side and coo. “Oh, this is it! This is The One!” The dress you’ll be married in, the dress you will wear on the most important day of your life, the dress you’ll be wearing when the other One sees you for the first time as his wife. When I watched the dress move, I couldn’t help but imagine it swirling around my toes, or how good I would look in the gown, and how Luck’s eyes would fill with tears as she saw me walking toward her.

But that aisle walk is something else we wanted to reconsider. I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle like I'm chattel he's giving away. And deciding who walks down the aisle first made us certain that we didn't want to set up some bride/groom paradigm--even though people are constantly asking us who is "the guy" and who's "the girl." I don't try to explain lesbian gender dynamics, because it's not that simple. Both of us are more butch than femme, though I'm more likely to wear a girly shirt, and Luckdragon is the ice hockey goalie and I'm the poet. But one thing we knew was that we wanted to approach this marriage together.

So these two soft butch girls will be walking down the aisle together, in dresses.

The Lesbian Bride Chronicles: How Many Dykes Does It Take to Plan A Wedding?

You know the story. Girl meets girl. Girls kiss outside each others' tents. Girls spend the next day talking under an oak tree. Girls fall in love, move into a tent together and start planning their Canadian wedding.

( I know, you're thinking "Wait a sec, What's this with tents?")

Well, last year I met my beloved, "Luckdragon" at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. It was the safest way to U-Haul. She slept in my tent almost every night, and we got a taste of what it would be like to be together all the time, in the heat and sweat and 'skeeters of a Michigan summer. We held hands as Elvira Kurt regaled us with her humor, we kissed and fondled while Melissa Ferrick belted out "Drive." We cooed as we got our picture taken with Bitch. I worked one night in Sprouts, the toddler "daycare" and Luckdragon said she knew when she saw me changing a diaper that she wanted to have my babies.



Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic, but we did fall in love at Fest. Unfortunately, Luckdragon lives in Detroit and I am a grad student in Tallahassee. Throughout the week, fellow lesbians cooed over how cute we were, and asked, "So, what happens after Fest?" We'd grimace and answer in unison: "We haven't talked about that yet."

We didn't know what would happen after Fest, but we did realize that if we were going to make a long-distance relationship work, we had to want the same things. The relationship had to be going somewhere.

Yes, it's true. I bought my wedding dress two months after meeting her.

I like to think, though, that we didn't rush into things. Sure we talked about marriage during the first week, but it's been 8 months now, and though the wedding plans are well under way (June 20, 2009!), we still live six states apart. Luck is moving down here in August, and that will be a year together. It will be almost two before we tie the knot. So we stick it out in Florida while I finish my thesis, and then comes the fun part. Applying to PhD programs and moving in May before the June wedding. There aren't too many programs for Creative Writing, and we're pretty particular about where we live.

Did you know that only eight states in the US officially allow second-parent adoption?

You see, we want to have kids in the next four years (Luck is training to be an LD nurse (Labor & Delivery, not Lesbian Drama--I know what you're thinking!) and she'll be 30 by the wedding, and would like to give birth before she's 35.

So amid picking out chair covers and ring pillows, we're also shopping for sperm and investigating the intricacies of adoption codes and current legislation.

Follow along as we navigate my brother's wedding (to which Luck is invited as my "special friend"), the fact that my mother watches The L Word to "see what you lesbians are up to," unfriendly wedding vendors, the Florida marriage amendment on the ballot this November and how hard is it to publish a dyke-themed poem, anyway?

Lesbians Love Tea

I think it's pretty funny...

when your lesbian friends think the reason you've disappeared is because you've gotten a girlfriend. I mean, I understand the statistical reasoning behind this hypothesis, but when it comes at you in the subject of an e-mail, you've got roll your eyes a little bit and respond accordingly...

"I have a girlfriend? Really?? Where?? I haven't seen her. If you talk to her would you please tell her to take the garbage out?"

I've been sick...honestly! And that brings me to another topic about how quickly you can collect various bags of tea when you're sick and all of your friends are lesbians. Tea is like, the international drink of lesbians. I won't deny that I have 5 different varieties in my own kitchen, but isn't it an interesting and undeniable fact?

PS...when I was looking for images of "tea bags" you have no idea how many pictures of balls came up.

Make a Lesbian Fashion StatementShop at the



Roses are red, violets are blue, please leave your comment, after your reading is thru.