I Want a Whole Milk Marriage, Not Skim

I can't help but feel so incredibly fired up while simultaneously frustrated by the news surrounding DOMA.  It makes me want to scream and pull my hair out and wonder why everyone in this country doesn't see what seems to be so obvious to me. Why is it so important to change DOMA?  Well, in case you weren't aware, there are more than 1,000 federal laws that confer benefits of one sort or another on married couples — everything from tax savings to Social Security benefits - but DOMA excludes those benefits for legally married same-sex couples, even at the state level for those states that have already legalized same-sex marriage.

The case that was heard at the Supreme Court today involves a New York couple, Edith Windsor and Thea Spyer, who had been together for 42 years prior to their marriage in 2007. When Spyer died, however, the federal government, acting under DOMA, required Windsor to pay $363,000 in estate taxes that she would not have owed if her spouse had been a man.

Ironically, the 14th Amendment guarantees all citizens equal protection of the law.  Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg argued today that DOMA creates a two-tier system or as she put it, "full marriage and skim-milk marriage" equating same-sex marriage to skim milk in that it's lacking in wholeness.  Supporters of DOMA argue that the traditional definition of marriage is "between a man and a woman" and it would be an abomination to god only knows who if that were to change. Imagine what would happen if we (as a people of "equal protection") redefined this definition to remove all references to gender.  Surely it would undermine the hundreds of thousands of heterosexual marriages that exist today.

At the end of the day, there is one thing for me that is certain; I will not ever get married to a man, it's simply not an option for me. Being gay is not a choice just as much as having green eyes is not a choice. Could I cover my eyes with colored contact lenses? Sure, just as I could pretend to act straight (well, I could certainly try).  But at the end of the day, my eyes are still going to be green and I'm still going to be as gay as a rainbow over San Francisco.  I do know that someday I will get married to a woman and I will call it marriage, regardless of what anyone thinks about the "traditional definition". And I will continue to fight for those 1,000 benefits that are not currently afforded to same-sex marriages.  And for the record, I really hate skim milk.  I want my milk whole just like I would want my marriage.

Gay Marriage Legalization in Maine -- Inspiring Photo Essays/Video/Articles

HooplaHa.com, a site dedicated to spreading good news, reached out to Lesbiatopia to share some amazing photos and videos that they took when they traveled up to Maine last weekend for the legalization of gay marriage.  

One of the articles they posted was particularly adorable, which showcases Portland couples and how they describe their partners in one word. Here's a snapshot from the article:

photo credit:  Sam Ferrigno for HooplaHa.com

Click here to see the rest of the photos.

Additionally, you should check out their photo essay as they tagged along with the first gay couple married in Maine the other night or their inspiring video of the City Hall crowd singing "All You Need is Love." 

HooplaHa.com is dedicated to spreading smiles and positivity. The site is meant to inspire, inform, enlighten, engage and above all entertain.

Freedom to Marry

Mark your calendars for February 12th! Why? It's

FREEDOM TO MARRY DAY!

On National Freedom to Marry Day, same-sex couples are encouraged to go to their local marriage license offices to request marriage licenses. This will raise awareness of the harms and impact that the inability to marry causes on their families. This national event is hosted yearly by Marriage Equality USA (MEUSA) and this year, they have teamed up with Join the Impact to make this their largest Marriage Counter Action yet!

HOW SHOULD LESBIATOPIA READERS GET INVOLVED?

Please help us lend support to MEUSA as we draw national attention to the many committed couples who are not afforded the right to marry. We ask that any readers who are able will reach out to their local MEUSA chapter and offer support in making this event a success.

In those cities where an MEUSA does not exist, we ask that any same sex couple who is able to take some time that day to go apply for a license. It would make an even bigger impact if you could call your local press and ask them to cover your story. The idea is to bring awareness to the world to the inequality that exists for same sex couples in this nation.

Lesbian politics: Dude, Mormons--Why the $H8?

(Before I say anything else, I would like to point out that you can make "No on Prop 8" phone calls from home, no matter where you live in the U.S. Save marriage equality in CA; click on that link above to find out how.

Do you really want to live in a country where voters get to decide who has inalienable rights and who doesn't? On November 5 will you be patting yourself on the back for having done all you could for your fellow queer brethren, or will you be kicking yourself that you failed to stand up for queer rights? Make phone calls today!)

I don't really know very many Mormon people, so I'm hoping I can get an education here in the comments section. Here is what appears to be a spreadsheet with all the "Yes on 8" donors (source: mormonsfor8.com). 46% of them are Mormon. I ask you: why? These are people who themselves had to redefine their own "traditional" marriage to "Marriage is between a man and a woman" from "Marriage is between a man and a woman and another woman and another woman and another woman," and it wasn't that long ago. Their church founder advocated for plural marriages back in 1831 and had one himself in 1835, and the church had to restructure its traditional marriage system back in 1890 to get rid of that. Are the Mormons overcompensating now to prove they're the man-and-wifeiest? Or are they just mad that we can get wife-on-wife action today, and they can't?

Carlos Santoscoy at ontopmag.com writes: "Mormon leaders say gay marriage is incompatible with Mormon theology. According to church doctrine, Mormons must be married to achieve 'exaltation' – the ultimate state in the afterlife – where they retain their gender and give birth to spirit children."

O.K., so you need male/female interaction in the afterlife; let's assume that is true. But LGBT folks typically receive excommunication from the Mormon church when they're outed--hell, the LDS church will excommunicate people merely for supporting "No on Prop 8" even if they aren't gay--meaning (as far as I understand) that they are no longer Mormons. So if they aren't Mormons anymore, they do not go to a Mormon afterlife; is that correct? And if they're not going there, it doesn't really matter if they get married, does it?

Well, I'm attempting to apply logic to literalist religion, which is just going to frustrate everybody, so let that lie. Let's instead take a peek at the lengths to which the LDS community has gone to beat up on us so far:

• $10 million in contributions

• technological firebombing (texts, blog posts, videos, podcasts, Twitter, Facebook) mostly by young people (how sick is that?)

• traditional methods of political organizing (1,000,000 yard signs distributed by mob LDS crews)

• collaboration with James Dobson, the Focus on the Family shithead (who says a father can teach his son not to be gay by doing the following:

He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Sure, James, keep up your pitching/catching, hole-pounding, and prominent penis contests . . . that's not gay at all.)

Almost $27,000 came from these Mormon lawyers alone all from the same law firm in Irvine, CA (contact info taken from firm website):

	Brent M. Dougal 949.760.0404 Brent.Dougal@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $500
	Douglas B. Espenschied 949.760.0404 douglas.espenschied@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,500
	Nathan S. Smith 949.760.0404 nathan.smith@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,000
	Marc Morley 619.235.8550 mmorley@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,000
	Ted M. Cannon 949.760.0404 tcannon@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $5,000 (extra douchey)
	Philip M. Nelson 949.760.0404 pnelson@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,100
	Glen Nuttall 949.760.0404 gnuttall@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $150 (mini-douche)
	Curtis R. Huffmire 949.760.0404 chuffmire@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,000
	Paul Conover 949.760.0404 pconover@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $500
	Christian A. Fox 949.760.0404 cfox@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $1,500
	Bill Bunker 949.760.0404 bbunker@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $5,000 (megadouche)
	Ned Israelsen 619.235.8550 nisraelsen@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $3,000
	Jason J. Jardine 619.235.8550 jason.jardine@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $500
(unpictured)	Michael Erickson michael.erickson@kmob.com Prop 8 Donation: $5,000

These are lawyers--you know, those people who are supposed to defend the Constitution? The ones who are supposed to promote equal rights for all free from religious persecution? The ones who sometimes grow up to be judges? My justice-seeking perennial heroes? Does the fact that lawyers are putting up big money for this terrify you as it does me?

I applaud the efforts of groups like Affirmation, the coalition of queer Mormons that has been admirably and bravely standing up for our side. (That is the link to their main site, but they also have a blog.) Unfortunately, many of Affirmation's members have to practice a sola scriptura, sola fide strain of Mormonism due to their rejection by the church proper.

I'm so curious why the LDS church is so LGBT-unfriendly! I mean, even the fundamentalist Christians let you stick around (although I'm not religious and never have been, so I would have to ask all you Lesbiatopia readers, "What's worse--excommunication from the church, or being allowed to stay but having to go through reparative therapy?") As always happens with whatever the evil kind of anti-gay garbage, devout and well-meaning people wind up hating and/or hurting themselves.

There is a really terrific autobiographical one-man show about these types of issues called Confessions of a Mormon Boy. The show's protagonist mires through unceasing struggle from beginning to end, confronting faith, upbringing, family, addiction, and hate on his passage to coming out. He does get excommunicated, though not for lack of trying. I highlight this show because I know there are thousands of people out there with similar stories--people the LDS church has gone out of its way to shame into silence. Now the church is trying to extend this into government policy, because, sure, look how well it works to hurt people.

I'm a, well, fairly tolerant person so long as no one is attacking me and mine; sometimes even under attack I can forgive if I can understand from whence the attack comes. I just don't get this one, though, especially because it seems like we have so much in common, me and Mormons. I mean, c'mon, we both like choral singing, genealogy, soda . . . well, the list just keeps going. Can't we be friends?

My Lesbian Wedding Part Three: Our Big Day!

On June 17th, 2008, Same Sex Marriage became legal in the State of California.

It has been a long time coming for many.

But today, Lesbiatopia is quite please to announce one of our own… Julie Phineas, Lesbiatopia’s Lesbian Parenting Guru, and her partner Gina are now officially Wife and Wife.
Please join us as we celebrate this very happy day for Julie, Gina, and all of us here at Lesbiatopia.

After a short period of plotting and planning my lesbian wedding, the plans for our big day on June 17 were still up in the air.

I am happy to report that Gina and I were able to get married, and what a beautiful, hectic, and emotional day it was! There were a lot of media cameras present during the morning and at our wedding ceremony, and some of our closest friends and family were able to share cake and champagne in the evening to celebrate. We filled out our application for a marriage license online as soon as they were officially available to same-sex couples on June 16. We could then pick up our marriage license the next day at 8am from the Los Angeles County Clerk in Norwalk. We left the house at 5am and headed over to the courthouse with Gina’s sister Yvonne and her cousin Connie. Once we had the marriage license we could schedule our wedding ceremony there at the County Clerk's Office. We were hoping to be one of the first few couples in line. Since there were only a few couples when we arrived, we were positive at that point that June 17, 2008 was going to be our big day!

I planned to keep everyone posted throughout the day, but I forgot my cell phone at home, and I planned to take lots of pictures but my sister in law left the camera back home too!

There was a reporter from the Whittier Daily News who took our picture and asked us a few questions. He was very nice. As we stood in line we chatted with the couples that were around us and heard a lot of different stories about being gay and what gay marriage meant. We were the fourth or fifth couple in line, and we were within earshot of the first couple in line who were being interviewed constantly. Gina and I were interviewed by KTLA Channel 5 here in Los Angeles, live on their 7am show. A lot of our friends and family told us that they saw us that morning being interviewed. I don’t even remember what I was asked, I was so nervous! I just remember saying that there are a lot of gay families in California, and that we wanted to have the same rights as a family started by straight couples. We met a couple who were avoiding the media, and saw some other couples dodging the cameras as well. There were also couples being interviewed repeatedly by the press covering the event, including a lesbian couple who had been together for close to 40 years. We chose not to have the kids with us because we were worried about protesters, but there was only one, and she didn't have anything to say, she just held a sign a few feet away from the line. Yvonne took as many pictures with her cell phone as she could, and Gina's mother and brother were able to make it over to Norwalk for the ceremony with a camera, so there are a handful of pictures we were able to gather from the morning of our big day:

At 8am we all cheered as the County Clerk's office officially opened and the line began to move.

There was a bit of a mix up with the line and we were led around the back of the building, then back around to the front. There were other people doing business, and some of the workers at the windows were volunteers going slower than others. Some couples were getting ceremonies ahead of the others who had waited ahead of them in line, it was hot and people were sweating and getting cranky but we all just laughed and were still excited about what was about to happen. We were so nervous about getting our ceremony and others getting ahead of us and booking up all the ceremonies for the day! If we couldn’t get married there we would have to try to go to the mass wedding in the Gay and Lesbian Center in Long Beach at 7am or plan a totally different day and ceremony. Luckily we wound up with wedding ceremony #4! As we proceeded to the waiting area for our wedding ceremony, we were each given a rose and some birdseed for after our ceremony from The Unitarian Universalist Church of Long Beach (website) which was very nice of them. Even though there weren't hundred of couples lined up to get married, the atmosphere was very hectic and busy. The press was actively photographing, interviewing, and broadcasting from the waiting area, and we could hear cheering as the first same-sex couple, Bonni Millon and Chelsea Thompson, were officially married. There were also straight couples waiting to be married, and some couples who had been directed to the wrong area. There was a bit of chaos as different numbers were being called out of order. We quickly made friends with the gay couple who had ceremony #3, and kept our eyes on them to know when it would be close to our turn. Some of the workers weren't sure how to handle the process, and some couples were being married before others. I was so nervous! I didn't want them to accidentally skip over us and I was sweating - I felt like my makeup was wearing off and my hair was frizzing! Other couples were getting frustrated also and we all chatted about it but stayed patient. While we were waiting we were interviewed by a news station that is broadcast in Spanish on Channel 62.

After a while Gina asked somebody what was taking so long and they said they needed couples with all of their paperwork done.

We showed our paperwork, and so did the other couples who had been waiting patiently and after that, the process moved quickly. We were called into the tent to have our wedding ceremony, and we allowed the press to follow. Gina and I, her mom, brother, sister, and cousin, plus Fox Channel 11, Spanish Channel 62, and an unknown photographer were all present as we exchanged vows, shared a kiss, and were declared "spouses for life". Gina and I exchanged flower lei's since we have our rings already, and we held hands and gazed into each others eyes through the short and sweet ceremony. I was filled with emotion as we exchanged our wedding vows, and was very proud to be able to have this experience with Gina, who was now officially my wife... we shared our first few moments as wives kissing and hugging each other, and feeling the moment that our lives were joined as one.



Then there was cheering, crying, and applause, hugs, kisses, and then there was paperwork. Everyone was so excited for us, and everything felt like a dream! The officiant of our ceremony was Nicole Curran, who was a volunteer and we were her first couple to marry so she was excited too. We took pictures, and rushed out and away from the cameras. Nicole gave us some final instructions and paperwork, and we were on our way. Here are the pictures taken during and after our wedding ceremony:














On our way out of the wedding tent we were interviewed and photographed a bit more.

We did a brief radio interview and took some pictures under the gazebo at the photo area. A few photographers snapped some shots and gave me their card to get copies of the photos. People handed us fliers for catering, custom cookies, and wedding services, plus we were solicited for donations to help fight the attempt to ban same sex marriage in California in November. When we got home we started text messaging our friends and family and fielding phone calls from people who had seen us on TV. Our neighbor sent over a nice bottle of tequila and their congratulations since he and his family had seen us on Channel 62. Gina and our good friend Efren began gathering the goodies such as the cake and champagne, and I changed out of my skirt and heels into some jeans and slippers, since I had been on the go all day. The kids got out of school a little after noon, and they were excited to hear all about how the morning went and how we were on TV. A few hours later my sister and her husband, Gina's parents, and a few other siblings and close friends who had heard about our big day began to come over to the house. My father's new wife was able to make it, and apologized as she told me how my father refused to come. I didn't let it get me down, and was happy when she told me that she doesn't share the same views that he does and wished us the best. My father-in-law made a toast, my older sister made a toast, and Gina and I said thank you to everyone for being there, and a small prayer for my mom who was still in the hospital. Gina and I cut the cake with the kids as a family, and we let them help us feed each other a piece of the cake. The kids were very happy and a lot of the family told us they were proud of us. One cousin asked why it was so important for us to get married that day, and I made a small speech about how important marriage rights were for our children, and for the security of our family. (But if you ask Gina, she’ll tell you that we got married because we love each other and want to be together for all eternity!!! lol)



It was a monumental day for us because we were waiting so long for a chance to have our big day. It felt great to know that we, as a lesbian couple, now have the same basic marriage rights as a straight couple, and our children have certain protections because of that. We all held our glasses high in a toast to celebrate.

Family and friends who had heard the news kept on coming by to pay their respects through the evening and we even cracked open the bottle of tequila!

Our other neighbor heard the news and she put together a nice wedding night gift with new robes and handcuffs and a pair of 'romantic' dice! It was a very tasteful and thoughtful gift, and it was very sweet of her to put that together for us. Gina and I chatted with our guests, and snuck little moments together to cherish the experience we were having together. The kids were running around happy with the guests and cake, and it felt great to have so much support for our relationship. I still wished my father had come to his senses and been there to offer a toast as well, but I didn't let it get me down and I sent a piece of our wedding cake home with my stepmother for him. At about midnight everyone had gone home and the kids got cleaned up and tucked in. We laughed as we put on our new robes – they were so soft and plush. After such a looong big day, we fell asleep where we landed in our soft new robes, for the first time as Mrs. and Mrs. Phineas.

Massachusetts to Claim Bigger Piece of Gay Pie

On July 15th the Massachusetts State Senate voted unanimously to overturn a ninety five year old law banning marriage by out of state couples whose union would not be recognized as legal in their home states.

The 1913 law was resurrected in 2004 by then governor Mitt Romney in response to the legalization of same sex marriage. At the time Governor Romney was quoted as saying he did not want Massachusetts to become “the Las Vegas of gay marriage.” He was successful in limiting same sex marriage rights to couples who were citizens of the state.

When California legalized same sex marriage last month it imposed no such restrictions. Since that time the state’s economy has seen a boon to its tourism and wedding-related industries to the tune of millions of dollars. A recent study conducted by researchers at UCLA projected a net to California’s economy upwards of $600 million over the next three years, but they may have to adjust their predictions in light of the recent Massachusetts decision. (The bill will now go to the House, where it is expected to pass without contest.) It seems that gay and lesbian couples all over the United States will now have a choice.

The New York Times reports, "a just-released study commissioned by the State of Massachusetts concludes that in the next three years about 32,200 couples would travel here to get married, creating 330 permanent jobs and adding $111 million to the economy, not including spending by wedding guests and tourist activities the weddings might generate."

Much of the anticipated Massachusetts influx is expected to arrive from neighboring New York, where Governor David Paterson has declared that he will recognize same sex marriages performed in other states as legal unions with all accorded rights and privileges. Same sex marriages involving out of state couples performed in California and Massachusetts will undoubtedly lead to court challenges in many of the other forty eight states. While this may increase urgency on the part of opponents to pursue a federal marriage amendment there does not appear to be adequate support in Congress at this time.

Clearly, money talks and perhaps this is the silver lining to a recessed economy for gay and lesbian couples.

The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered

Today letter comes from a Sister who in a relationship with a married woman, wondering if it is not just time to break it off.....

Dear BOOK,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now and it is very serious. When we first met we were just friends and shared a few sexual encounters because she was and is still married. Her marriage is convenient because he is very good about taking care of the household and she can live very comfortable because he makes very good money. They tried on numerous occasions to be exclusively married but have gone astray on both parts. She has never stopped seeing me and he has had his side pieces. Moving forward she and I have spoken about living together, getting married all the good things associated with a committed relationship. We have tried to break up and let her deal with her marriage but can't for some reason. It is not the sex, if that is what you think because we don't have it that much. (We both have small children). It is an emotional and mental connection that has created this mess of a love triangle. A lot of the problems in her marriage may be because the husband may have some sort of depression which causes him to be more of a tyrant than a husband. The problem now is he is on medication for his depression and he is like a different person. I feel as though I am losing her to him because he is the complete opposite of what he used to be and she finds that very appealing now. How can I truly compete with him? I know she loves me but ideally she will probably stay with him. Should I just break it off completely before I lose my mind from jealousy?

Thanks,
Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady in Waiting,

You are calling a married woman your "girlfriend"? I understand that you've been involved for a long time but at no point ever can a married woman fulfill the responsibilities of being another persons girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means being honest and available beyond one's own convenience. It means being a support system and a cheerleader. It means sharing in each other's joys and each other's sorrows. If this woman is married to a man with whom she has a family, there is no chance she has the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be these things to you. You are not being treated like a girlfriend. You are getting the short end of the stick here.

Yes, you should absolutely break it off completely. Right now. Forever-ever. After three years, you have every indication that she will never choose your relationship over the comfort of her marriage. Right now, she's getting everything she needs. She's got a docile husband hopped up on zombie meds to take care of her financially and she's got you to run to for all the emotional support and coddling she needs. Not to mention, she's getting laid more than both you or her husband. Basically, she's never gonna call this off, it's too sweet a deal for her. But she's never gonna do right by you.

YOU have to make the hard decision here. Again, she's making you do the work. Do yourself the favor this time and go find yourself someone who wants to be a real partner to you. I know it sucks to end it with someone you love. But sitting through that pain to make room for someone who loves you back the right way is going to pay off big.

The book is closed!

History is Being Made in California Right Now!

Up until about 5 minutes ago the County Clerks office in Los Angeles had marriage licenses available for couples with a Bride and a Groom. Their office has officially changed the licenses to include same-sex couples by changing the wording to say Party A and Party B. At 5:01pm same-sex couples across the state will begin to flood the website to apply for a marriage license to wed here in the State of California. This is a historic event!! Congratulations to all of the couples participating in a marriage ceremony soon - your time to apply for an application is almost here!!! HUGGGGSSSSS!!! Sincerely, ~JuliePhineas~

My Lesbian Wedding Part Two: Plotting and Planning

There is a mass wedding for same-sex couples being held at 7pm on Tuesday June 17 at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Long Beach, which is close to my neighborhood here in Southern California.

With two children, a teenage sister, two cats and a dog named Buddy living with us, the plotting and planning of our lesbian wedding is getting complicated. We've had to discuss and decide on many important things as a couple and as a family in the past few weeks such as, should we get married at a mass wedding? Do we add homophobes we're related to on our guest list? Do we even want to get married under these circumstances, knowing we might have to tell our children our status was taken away in November?? Let me tell you friends, it has been an 'emotional rollercoaster' these past few weeks. Dealing with the different aspects of the plotting and planning of my lesbian wedding have left me physically tired yet even more determined than ever to marry Gina because she is the love of my life and the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. At this point, after all the drama, Gina and I have decided to keep it simple.

After we found out that we had rights, we were extremely excited and we told the family and friends that were closest to us and had shown us support all these years.

What was very surprising was the reaction happened to be a very mixed reaction, rather than a united front of congratulations. I felt like some of our very dearest family and friends still viewed us as ‘second class citizens'. We were very hurt and I’ve done a lot of crying lately. Writing the guest list became an emotional event, and it really scaled back the plans that we had. Our first thought was to of course go all out and have a big wedding. Finances combined with the need to marry by November crossed that off the list and the next option was a small ceremony with about 100 guests, possibly in a banquet room at the local Marriott, with cake and champagne afterwards, plus apple cider for the kiddos. Our guest list has about 100 people that are just close family, so we had to cut out a lot of other people from the list at that point. We decided we would take a nice photo on our big day and send out announcements to the people that we couldn’t invite.

Then another reality set in - our families are not going to help us with the cost… we’re on our own here!

When I think about it, I just spent a ton of money defending myself in family court where I got totally financially screwed because I am gay (there’s no other way to put it!); and I’ve also spent a ton of money to secure my children’s future plus change my last name because those things don’t come with a domestic partnership. Plus I have to go back and appeal the family court ruling, file a complaint against the judge, and request transcripts too… it gets very expensive! Looking at our final guest list, we realized we were inviting people who we know don’t support our relationship just because they are closely related. It really made me feel like I was about to put my household in a financial bind to make sure that every body else, including those who don't support our relationship, would have a nice time on our big day. Sorry friends, but I just can’t bring myself to do that!

This was a nice change for us because we were able to let go of a lot of the stress of planning a big wedding in such a short amount of time.

We decided we would keep things small and just do a civil ceremony at the County Clerks office. I looked into the website for the Los Angeles County Clerks office , and found that we can apply for our marriage license online after 5pm here on June 16, and then we can pick it up as early as 8am on June17th. We can schedule an appointment for our ceremony at the time that we pick up our marriage license, and we are hoping that we will be able to get married the same day. The County Clerks office in Norwalk is where we will be going to pick up the license since there is no appointment needed, and they will be performing same sex wedding ceremonies that day until 8pm on a first come, first serve basis (article). Each of the County Clerks offices in California is handling the event differently, for example the clerks office in Bakersfield which is opting simply to not marry anybody anymore, gay or straight (article). The County Clerks office in Nevada City is planning to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples starting 8am on June 17th (article), while the county clerks office in San Francisco has pulled some strings to start doing so at 5:01pm on June 16th. They are asking couples to BYOB – bring your own bell – wedding bell that is! You can read more about that here. Plus here is an article with “Reader questions and answers on gay marriage“ by the LA Times, and an article titled “What Do I Need To Know About Getting Married In California?” on the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center website here .

In the meantime, Gina and I are getting ready to put on some white and head down to the Clerks office on Tuesday.

We’ve started an online wedding registry here which donates to the Equality for All Campaign. Any couple can register online here. We’re getting ready mentally to handle our big day and become Mrs. and Mrs. Phineas, even though we’ve lived as though we are married for about 5 years now. Some of our friends and family have been asking us what we plan to do, and there have been a few opportunities to have our ceremony on TV. In the midst of everything we are trying to stay connected and focused on our family and home life. After all of the details are worked out, the bottom line is that we love each other, and we want to protect our wishes in regards to our relationship and family with the marriage rights that we deserve.



Both Gina and I have come a long way from wanting the big flashy wedding in front of everybody, to simply cherishing a hugely symbolic moment in time that is shared only between me and her.

We are getting the wedding jitters but we are committed to each other and our life together so any talks of prenuptial agreements, divorces, and even bucking the establishment by not getting married were met with laughter and a kiss. After an initial shock of the reality of it all, and going through the pre-wedding planning in such a short amount of time, we are still committed to spending the rest of our lives together. Since there is no big wedding to worry about, we are just spending these few days preparing our minds, scheduling the babysitter, and deciding how we’re going to do our hair. Let the naysayers say what they will, but we are moving forward with our love and our life together, and Tuesday we hope to take the final step towards equal rights for our relationship together. I’ll definitely keep you posted, when I post part three of My Lesbian Wedding… Our Big Day!

Until then, thank you for all of the congratulations that I have received and for the well wishes on our big day!

Lesbian Bride Chronicles: From Singleton to Smug Married?

Marriage was never a given for me. Sure, I was indoctrinated like most to see marriage as one of the end points, one of the major sacraments (if not for religious anymore, at least for society) to pass as signs of success. But I never figured I would get married. I focused on academic affairs instead of romantic ones, and I never expected to have even a regular partner until I'd finished my PhD and had a decent job. I always said I didn't have time for a girlfriend; I just wanted to fuck (not that I did much of that) to satisfy my needs, but I was happy with my cats, my computer, my books, my friends and travel. I'm not going to say I was completely satisfied being single. I wanted someone to spend time with, someone special, but I always thought there were more important things.



I'd seen so many friends change and fade away from me when they entered into relationships. (I admit I'm not immune from this characteristic.) I never wanted to be like that because I don't believe that one person can or should be everything to you. (Part of this has to do with monogamy, but that's for another day.) I proudly claimed the label quirkyalone, a term that is defined as

Quirkyalones are people who enjoy being single (but are not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefer being single to dating for the sake of being in a relationship.

Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. We tend to be romantics. We prefer to be single rather than settle. In fact, the core of quirkyalone is the inability to settle. We spend a signficant chunk of our lives single because we hold relationships to a high standard.

Are quirkyalones loners? Not necessarily. Quirkyalones often value friendship very highly. We're often very social people. But we do value occasional solitude. Quirkyalones are often creative and need time alone to allow thoughts to fully form.

The definition still fits. I love that coupledom is included in the concept as well, under the term quirkytogether. You can still be yourself when you're in a relationship! It seems that people so rarely know this. And it is possible to have a completely fulfilling life as a singleton. I was in high school when I started thinking I might never marry. Part of this was because I was fighting hard to stay in the closet, and I associated marriage with patriarchy and men, neither of which I wanted anything to do with. But I had several excellent role models of women who were spinsters (I mean this in the best possible sense) and they fucking rocked. I wanted to be just like them. And I decided in junior high that I wanted to adopt a baby (more on birthing later, too) regardless of whether or not I was in a relationship. I had plenty of friends raised by single women and it didn't seem bad. I always knew I wanted children, but I didn't see this as having anything to do with a relationship.

Trouble is, I'm a hopeless romantic. And, as Melissa Ferrick puts it, It's also true what you've heard about me; I fall in love every time. I've had some scrapes with unrequited love, and at this time last year, having been celibate for over two years, I was sure at last that I would be single forever, that a romantic relationship was not something I was meant for.

And then I met her. I was totally fucking blindsided by Luckdragon. Every minute we spent together made me quickly revising my thinking. After four days, I fell hard in love with her, real love, in a way I'd never felt before, a way that made me realize I had never been in love before. Who was this person I was becoming? And she felt the same way about me. In fact, she had, literally, ordered me. After her last, awful break up, she put out a request to the universe, writing down a list of what she wanted in a partner. And I am everything on that list. I always thought about relationships from my point of view, never from the other person's perspective. We think about what we want, not what we have to offer.

We have our differences, of course, but we are perfect for each other. We are compatible in a way I never thought possible, and I know it sounds saccharine, but it's true. I'm optimistic, but I'm not stupid. I know things won't always be perfect. I know we'll have our problems. (The major one for the first year of our relationship is that we live 1000 miles apart.) I'm sure there are things about this that I am naive about. But I'd like to think that my years as a singleton have prepared me for married life; I knew what I didn't want to become and what I didn't want my relationship to be. It doesn't really matter that we're getting married (though I'm having a ball planning the party!). We've made the decision to be permanent, cohabiting partners, whether the government or my grandmother accepts it or not.

And even though I never thought I would get married, I didn't count on Luckdragon; I didn't want to partake in the institution of marriage in the abstract, but specifically? Yes, I do want to marry Luck. I wouldn't want to marry someone else, just her, my sexy, dreadlocked, goalie chef who always thinks of others before herself, who knows her poet-partner so well that she proposes in the poetry section of a used bookstore with a ring made from falling stars. And she will refuse to assimilate and have a normal life or a normal marriage, and abnormality is the only kind I can imagine.

My Lesbian Wedding Part One – We’ve Got Rights!

Four years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mother, who was about 10 years into her battle with diabetes.

The day is vivid and the moment is forever burned into my life – George W. Bush was re-elected. (article) This is a very emotional subject for me because when that happened a deep truth hit me hard… there would be no chance in hell for gay marriage rights for the next four years. I had been holding it together for my mom, keeping a brave face; but the moment the news flashed the story I broke down and cried… it still makes me cry for such a grave injustice to have happened. Now flash forward four years, and my mother has been back in the hospital since January. (Please send prayers!) I happened to be sitting with her overnight on May 14th and I had the TV on with her when the news flashed a story that brought me to my knees; A vote was to occur the next day over whether to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California or not! As luck would have it, CNN reported that The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage and now gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry in the state of California!! Tears of joy began to flow on May 15th, 2008 and they haven’t stopped since!



My mother is still in the hospital, and there are many other situations in my life right now that have been causing distress and pain; but now... now we have something beautiful to hold onto.

Since that day, many of my friends have sent congratulations and well wishes once they heard the news. Some of the gay friends I have are getting nervous about their partner expecting a wedding, too. Isn’t that funny? I have read stories of gay couples who have been together for decades who have been waiting to marry each other. They are finally planning their weddings! It just makes me so happy and full of joy that so many people are finally able to have the wedding experience with the love of their life. I am telling you that I always cry at weddings; and now that gay marriage is legal in California I have had so many joyful crying spells I am starting to get embarrassed about it. There is definitely a wedding buzz around here as we prepare for the ruling to take effect so that we can file for a marriage license which is currently projected to be June 17, 2008. Gina and I have had to get it in gear and really think about our ‘lesbian wedding’. It’s hilarious the things we get to go through that we didn’t before such as debating issues like pre-nuptial agreements and seating charts. *LOL We wonder if we will run into the press at the county clerks office and if there will be a shortage on wedding dresses when we go to buy ours. *LOL It’s also interesting to notice that the gay friendly businesses are coming out of the woodwork and the LGBT community has more of a guidepost of which places we are able to plan our weddings with pride.

Even big names like Macy's are showing support for the LGBT community by encouraging gay and lesbian couples to use their bridal registry for their big day.




Online gay jeweler, Love and Pride Jewelry, is now offering a 10% discount on all bridal rings in celebration of marriage equality in California, and Cherished Weddings Vows Chapel in Torrance, CA has set themselves up online with a series of blogs catering to the increased demand for weddings in California. You can stay up to date on the latest in LA Weddings at one of their new blogs, The L.A. Wedding Resource . Of course there have always been websites online that cater to gay marriages and lesbian weddings such as Alt Wed and The Rainbow Wedding Network , even Two Brides.com and Two Grooms.com. As Gina and I continue to think out and plan our big day, we have come across items such as gay and lesbian cake toppers at this site , lesbian friendly wedding invitations at OutVite.com , and LGBT wedding favors at the GayWeddings.com online store.




Any way you look at it, marriage equality in California is a boost to the US economy.

Whichever route we take to our big day, it will be painted with pink money! Weighing our wedding options we are looking at a pretty penny to walk down the aisle together, and we aren’t even planning a big wedding! We have to consider my wedding dress, and what is Gina going to wear? She really doesn’t do dresses. There is the wedding cake, and the wedding favors, the invitations and thank you cards; plus we have to consider a honeymoon and what about bachelorette parties?? There will be the flowers, the marriage license, and all the other little things that will surely add up. Since May 15th, Gina and I have been working more overtime than ever to pay for the event!!

Because of a November ballot initiative to ban gay marriage in California it looks like it will be a summer wedding.

There is a certain pressure to get married quickly in case we never get this chance again. As the NY Times reports here, the ruling in California has fueled the same-sex marriage battle rather than ending it. Amidst the joy and excitement, there is still the dread of the possibility that our right to marry can be taken away in November. It’s sad to think that we could go through all the same motions that a straight couple does for their wedding, but we could end up with exactly zero change in status or recognition, plus zero stability and security for our children from the government in the form of social security, taxes, and more. According to the NY Times article:

“California has more than 100,000 households headed by gay couples, about a quarter with children, according to 2000 census data.”

I have tried to be very vocal with my friends and family so they know how important their vote is this November. All Californians should come out to the polls and vote this November and have their vote heard in this historic time. What everyone can do right now to voice our vote is to sign the Million for Marriage petition from The Human Rights Campaign. The anti-gay initiatives are backed by funding that pro-gay initiatives have not been privy too, and they have gathered over a million signatures for their initiative. We need to surpass this amount and demand that marriage equality in California be here to stay, which will help other marriage equality initiatives in the future. For now, please take some time to visit the Million for Marriage website and sign the petition to let your voice be heard!



Whichever way things go in November, Gina and I are going to proceed with our lesbian wedding, and we will keep you posted through it all.

The next step is going to be plotting and planning our lesbian wedding, our big day, the honeymoon, and then ‘waiting for November’. Right now we are living in limbo and waiting for June 17th so that we can make an appointment to get our marriage license. Then from there we can set a date and go from there. There is still a possibility that the anti-gay initiatives will stop the licenses from being issued before then, so we won’t terminate our Domestic Partnership (article). As you might guess, I have been surfing online and finding out everything I need to know to make the process go as smooth as possible. FYI, here is where you can get information on obtaining a marriage license in Los Angeles County. I have also created a section on my Lesbian Mommy blog with Lesbian Wedding Resources. For those couples who are planning their own gay or lesbian wedding, there is a list of books from Amazon with information on planning your gay marriage and more below:



The next few months are going to be interesting to say the least, and I am looking forward to a beautiful wedding day and a relaxing honeymoon!

The guest list is longer than we thought it would be, and finding a reception area with one month notice is asking for a miracle… but, after the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15th, I know that miracles can happen.

Stay tuned for part two, the Plotting and Planning of My Lesbian Wedding.